I am now 67 but and had to quit working earlier than I wanted to and move from Texas back to Indiana to move in with my mother who is bedridden. My sister who lives close by just retired last year and only helps me out when I needed some surgery or Dr visit. She will come once a week to help with a full bath. I only get to see my grandchildren on their birthdays and Christmas. I need more help. My sister who lives in Alabama does come up a few times a year to give me a week break, but how do I get my sister who lives close to help out more? I am at my breaking point.
You can only change you.
Your sister is the only person that can change herself.
Either hire caregivers so you get time off or tell the family that Mom needs to be placed in a residential home and that you can no longer do the work.
If you take on more responsibility / time caring for your mom, others will overall do as they want (as they are).
You need to tell them very clearly and specifically - AND IN WRITING
* I can do xxx
* I need you to do xxx or make arrangements to have xxx time if you cannot / will not do.
In other words, as long as you continue on and feel responsible, you will be. You may or may not 'get' your sisters to help out more although you need to tell them what you will and will no longer do - and leave it up to them to decide how to manage the care needs of your mother.
You could also tell them you need to step back due to your own health needs. However, you also do not need to make excuses.
If they do not help out or take over some of the time you are there / the specific responsibilities you are doing that you no longer 'can' physically, emotionally, mentally can do, then it is on THEM to decide who and how the needs will be handled (even if they need to hire caregivers).
You have to STOP. They won't step up until you do - and they may not even then. I do feel it is important to put this all in writing. It is more official / serious and they can see it in black and white.
Along with writing, you can propose - with bullet points - the specific help your mother needs (the time / days, etc) which you can no longer offer - due to your own health needs.
Give them a date when you will stop doing xxx.
Ask for a conference call to discuss (and use your bullet point ltr to go through it all.
If they do not want to help out in person, they need to be responsible to pay for caregivers to do what is necessary.
You must make a decision to stop and not 'wait' for them to change. They won't unless forced to.
Gena / Touch Matters
I think sibling35 jumped into caregiving without understanding what options and resources exist and with an outdated/simple framework of what children "have to do" for their parents. This is where most of us were at some point.
Ideally, research and education comes before making big decisions or commitments. In reality, we often learn this stuff in starts and stops and a lot of it comes with "I wish I had known this years ago!"
I'd recommend reaching out to your county, figuring out how your state distributes Medicaid, and building a care and financial plan that removes you from hands-on care. It's not just about avoiding burnout and risking your health but about honestly evaluating your mom's needs (current and upcoming) and where those can best be served.
This forum is an excellent space to gain a sense of community, explore a variety of others' situations and solutions, and to hear over and over that you cannot / should not throw yourself, your health, and your own ability to plan for your final years on the pyre of parents or others (who've often neglected their own preplanning). Instead, learn and make use of the safety nets that do exist to the greatest extent possible, don't invest your energy in guilt, and stand firm on boundaries.
No one is arguing the fact she needs a break and many have given realistic and positive advice. Even the OP has said sister does help mother with once a week bathing and relieves her when she has medical needs. The sister has set boundaries that she needs to come to terms with and the sister is within her rights set boundaries.
You chose to move in with your mother to help her. If this situation is exceeding your own limits, you need to make other arrangements for your mother's care independent of your sisters. You may either need to hire help or place your mother in a facility.
Ask your siblings for support; if they decline, then figure out another plan. If they are willing to jump in, just know that not everyone will do things the way you may want. And they will want to share their opinions.
That will be the trade off.
You chose to quit your job to take care of mom.
You, if you wanted to take care of mom, told her that she would have to move close to you or in with you. Sell her house and you use that money to provide care. Pay for your services, hire caregivers a few days a week and so on. OR mom moved in to a facility that is able to care for her. Either AL or MC.
or
If mom refuses to move then you do nothing and you wait until there is something that forces a change. Then she goes into a facility near you, near a sibling.
You do not "get your sister" to help.
You can not change the boundaries that she has set so you change your expectations.
Hire caregivers. Mom pays for the caregivers with her assets. It might be 1 day a week, 3, 6, 7 days. It might be for 4 hours, or 8. But it gives you a break.
If you need time to yourself look into the possibility of an Adult Day Program in the area . A few days a week of a program is life changing.
I wouldn't go so far as to say the sister should be respected because she said she has boundaries won't do any caregiving. That just doesn't cut it. All the caregiving should not fall to just one adult child in a family because that's not fair or even right. Sadly, it so often does though.
The very least the boundary sister and other sibling can do is have a family meeting with the OP and help make other care arrangements for the mother.
Southernwave is right. You made a bad decision and it's okay. Everyone makes mistakes in this life. You meant well, but caregiving is wrecking your life and you aren't coping. It's time for another plan. Hire live-in or 24 hour caregivers in the home that your mother pays for. If this is not possible, she will have to go into a nursing home. None of this is your fault and you didn't do anything wrong. You gave it your best shot and it's not working out. If it's possible have a family meeting with your siblings and discuss next steps. Maybe they will be on board to help with getting your mother placed.
Out of all the dumb decisions I've made in my life, I regret this one the most. I miss my work life. I was making a good salary and had benefits. My parents expressed no appreciation for what I did and seemed to have this sense of entitlement about my sacrifices, both financial and emotional. I never received one thank you for all that I did.
I tell everyone who writes on this forum even considering leaving a job not to do it.
You state that you "had to quit working" to move in with your bedridden mother in another state. You did not have to quit your life and move in with mom. That was a choice, which you may now regret. We all think it sounds easy, until we are doing it every day, with limited help. Don't fault the people who recognize their own limits. Seek paid professional in-home help, or find a skilled nursing home for your mom. You can care for your mother without having to do daily hands-on care.
You can be a caring daughter who advocates for your mother's care and visits her in a home where she gets all the care she needs, round the clock, from professionals.
Time to place Mom in SNF care . Sell her house to use that money to pay for her care until she’s eligible for Medicaid.
Get your own life back too.
Or you can offer to pay her $30 and hours (from mom's funds) and see if that is an incentive for her to caregive more. If she declines, I highly recommend you hire an aid to give you rest. It is a very difficult job physically and mentally.
It sounds like you have been a full-time caregiver for about 3 years and who knows how much longer your mom will live and how much more frail she will become. Meanwhile, you have had health challenges yourself and are missing out on what you want to do. You could end up passing before she does!
You write “I need more help” but the truth is SHE needs a lot more help which she can get from professionals.
Then you can get your own life back. If your sisters or anyone else argues this point, ask them to try a three-year shift themselves.
I am 76 and I will tell you, life is short. Time just flies by. We really don't know what tomorrow will bring. A girl who was raised next door to me just passed at 55. She was found in her apartment.
Your Mom has had her life. Time to continue yours. Place her and become her daughter again and not her caregiver.
It was your decision to give up your life, rather than to place her in a facility.
Might be time to rethink your decision, sell her house use it to pay for a facility, spend down so she can then get Medicaid for a nursing home, she is bedridden, it is time to make some difficult decisions for all involved.
Please search for faith-based facilities. They are usually more affordable and the care can be very good because they are non-profit and see it as a mission. My MIL was in an excellent faith-based facility first in AL (on an Elder Waiver) and then moved into LTC, on Medicaid.
You can do a browser or AI search for ones near your Mom -- or you can return to Texas and bring her with you. You've given up a lot and now you need to reclaim it. Caregiving happens on the caregiver's terms or else you will burn out.
Place your mother in care. Sell her house to pay for it. When she has used up that money and whatever assets she has, apply for Medicaid for her. She'll have trained professional caregivers around the clock instead of one exhausted daughter.
You can then go back to work if you want to or need to, Or you can enjoy your retirement. You can give your grandchildren time and attention, and be a happy and special presence in their lives, and they in yours. You can have a nice relationship with your sisters, rather than resenting them. And you can visit your mother as a daughter, rather than as a frantic and overstressed caregiver.
You deserve peace in your life. Make the changes necessary to achieve it. Let us know how it goes.
How was it decided that you got to be the one with the ruined life in shambles? You drew the short stick? Or were you groomed from the start to be the caretaker?
In other words, you didn’t have to do anything. You CHOSE to do this.
Is it too late to get yourself job back?