I just lost a long-term relationship after my mother got Alzheimer's. Looking for advice.

STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP. YOU DID [ARE DOING] WHAT YOU THOUGHT BESTAND THAT IS OK. THE IMPORTANT THING NOW IS TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY THAT THE BUM LEFT WHILE YOU ARE STILL IN A POSITION TO HELP YOURSELF. YOU MIGHT WANT TO CONSIDER GETTING SOME COUNSELLING, MAYBE TALK WITH LOCAL DEPT. OF AGING TO HELP FIND SOME ACTIVITIES, MAYBE JOIN A GROUP OF THOSE INSIMILAR SITUATIONS. GOOD LUCK

Bless you! He did you a favor, even if it broke your heart. Take care of yourself and your mother...find satisfaction in living as one. We are all special.

I once was walking across the street with someone I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. A car careened at high speed through the red light and the intersection we were crossing. He, in turn, dropped my hand and ran to safety. I was fast on my feet fortunately, so no harm, no foul, eh? Wrong, indeed. We're not often given the opportunity to unmask character before we've unfortunately committed to a dependence on someone with a striking lack of it. You've a brave and loving soul. He, sadly, lacks that attribute. I'm sorry for your pain, but this is the journey of the hero (or heroine), and it would appear that you're having to go it alone for awhile. There are men who match your love, empathy, and dedication to loved ones. Stay on your path and you'll connect in time with someone who deserves you.

Just a general response to everyone. Thank you for taking your time to help. I'm actually doing better. Received the text a while ago, but like I said texts and a few phone calls left me with some hope to work things out. Last weekend was the final straw, with the car stored here and the belongings here, photo albums and such, and that's done now.  I think I've accepted that some people make a life time commitment and some make a conditional one. And every person has to do what makes them happy, even tho it may hurt other people, acceptance is the key maybe. And the MOST important thing of all of this? Is that my little feisty, crafty, pain in the ass Mom is ok! And still running us in circles with no clue what she's even doing. Lol That's what really matters the most. And now that I have help with her, maybe we can all be ok!

lynnm12
I feel you are very lucky to be rid of someone who is so insensitive and such a coward that they would end a 13 year relationship by a text message!! This certainly isn't someone who would ever stand by you through all of the hard times that life continues to throw at us, unless of course it was happening to your SO, at which time they would probably expect for you to provide EXACTLY the dedication you are showing your mom! Good luck, and I hope you find a relationship with someone who is as caring as you!!

Lynnm12, kudos to you for taking care of your mother. Like others, I have no concrete advice other than to move on without your 13-year SO. While we readers can't know your exact situation, you've gotten lots of insightful perspectives based on both individual experiences as well as assumptions about yours. I'm not sure if it's helpful or hurtful to know that there are SO's who don't abandon caregivers. My wife has assisted with my dad's care for many years and we both attend to our daughter's special needs. I know that my wife sometimes/often feels neglected, but she also recognizes the importance of family caregiving and she helps rather than abandons. That said, 24-7 caregiving roles, or even supporting roles, are not roles for which everyone is capable. And if your experience is like mine, you've found that even with additional caregivers in place, your role as the primary caregiver, decision-maker and responsible party remains almost daunting.  Dementia caregiving, especially, is typically a long, hard role that is definitely not for faint of heart caregivers or SOs, so maybe it is better that yours bailed sooner rather than later, hard as it may be for you, him and your mother. Still, I'm sorry for your loss and what struck me as particularly barbarous by your SO was his texting his goodbye -- but maybe that's a generational difference.

Just a side note about assumptions. As you noted, some readers assumed you were male based on your name (and perhaps on having two careers). With the exact same name, a lot of people have assumed that I'm female. Assumption shortcuts are often erroneous.

My now 83 year old mother in law has lived with us for a few years now and is well down the path with dementia. My wife is her only living child and her late sisters daughter quit having anything to do with her grandma, about the time she started showing signs of dementia.
My wife is also disabled and we have little to no "us time". It's rough on us and for a while I suspected that her mom was trying split us up. But we manage somehow and while my wife has said on several occasions that she wouldn't blame me if I just packed up and left, I'm not going anywhere. I love her too much to leave her in a mess like this. We've came to find that it works better if she deals with her mom and I do what she can't. Her mom and I used to get along pretty well, but since the dementia set in, she gets downright hateful to me.
But I'm not going anywhere. I love my wife and she needs my support more than ever to get through this. I don't understand how anyone could leave someone they say they love just because things got a little tough. That's when you really need each other.

Omg. Well first you sound like me. My mom has vascular dementia so it's a bit different. But yes that's how we were raised, you take care of your parents and neighbors.
I pretty much have very little social life and my family doesn't come down very often. So it's just me. The agencies are horrible and most aides can't do the job. But you were the right person to take care of her. You were chosen for that reason. If you need someone to talk to, you can contact me.
And btw if someone left you after that much time because you were taking care of your mother, you're better off without them. God gives you the people that you need. Don't worry I'm not a preacher. Every religion or evolved thinking says the same things if you look at it.
You're mother is proud of you. Start slow and get your life back. Jmo

Hi, how are you doing? Hope you are feeling better every day.

I live with and take care of my 93yo mom who is just now exhibiting signs of “not so clear” mental functions and imho there is no room for a partner even if I sometimes feel quite isolated. My job is relatively easy compared to so many other caregivers on this forum.

My question is this: what would you have done differently? And how would you feel if your mom passed tomorrow in both scenarios??

My whole purpose in life for the last ten years is to “have no regrets” when my mom passes because I know I can never make up to her all the great and wonderful things she’s done for me once she’s gone.

Personally, I’m glad and prefer to be the one doing her day to day care, over family or hired help. Even though she sometimes resists me, I think that I have more compassion toward her, yet I can be more firm with her than anyone else.

How could I live with myself if I did not step up to the plate in her hour of need? And how much would my ex husband be hassling me about not putting him first? A lot, I’m certain of that.

(I wish I could keep these good thoughts at the front of my brain when I get frustrated with her and I’m going to attempt to do so AGAIN!)

You absolutely have been doing the right thing though you need to heed all the other advice to get some help in before it costs you your own health even more so her care won’t be interrupted if you have serious problems.

If you think your heart is broken now, you’re going to have a much bigger heartache when mom passes and caring for her is going to become much more intense before that happens.

It is better that what you thought was your so is not around to distract you from your main focus when it becomes really tough work.

Good luck to you or I should say “peace out” because you have got it all together and don’t need any luck.

Charlotte

Have you heart of Ralph Smart? He is SO Fun and puts a whole new outlook on relationships.

You may not have lost a relationship by ANYthing you did. Showing love and compassion for others is actually attractive to genuine people.

It's possible your relationship was meant to end as someone more wonderful is meant to come into your life.

Google youtube Ralph Smart and watch the one you resonate to. Trust me. You will be SO uplifted. Do this for yourself! :)

I think some people won't like my answer but here it is. If someone develops Alzheimers or some other mental problem and all the associated problems and responsibilities that come with that, the caretaker MUST TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF OR HERSELF FIRST AND FOREMOST. You cannot "fix" these mental issues and in time the behavior will begin to destroy you and your life and you will stand to lose the most. Start thinking of yourself and if need be, put the person into a facility. Do not allow these people to destroy you. They are no longer the person who may have loved so much. Act now before it is too late.

I saw a mirror image of how many relationships end badly, as a management consultant looking at ‘unfair dismissals’. Things go down hill for a long time, but the worker is sure they are right and writes the problems off as a ‘personality conflict’ with an 'unreasonable boss'. Then (out of the blue!?) they get the sack. They had no idea that their job was on the line, the boss can’t believe that they didn’t realise it. Eventually the law here was changed to require a clear warning before dismissal.

In a difficult caring arrangement, the SO’s final text message is the equivalent of the dismissal, and unfortunately it follows the same pattern of being ‘not really out of the blue’. As the carer, how can we open our eyes to the warning signs? And how can an SO have the courage to make it crystal clear that the relationship is on the line? We need this to happen before our hearts have hardened and the end is inevitable. It would save a lot of pain.

Well let's just be honest here - your SO does not bail when the going gets tough - unless the two of you had spoken about the situation and he let it be known he
needed more time with you - and then you didn't give it. It's a pretty tough call knowing you need to help your mother and the fact you need to live your life, but as caregivers what we all tend to forget is that there is help out there - there is respite care and overnight care and all sorts of other helpful ways of coping with an ill parent - you should not let it consume you.

I feel you did the right thing. Your significant other should have been there for you! You needed support and they bailed. My sister had MS and her significant other was with her literally until the day she died (50 years). Thirteen years is like being married, a commitment for better or worse. You should have no regrets for taking care of your mom. I lost my mom two and a half years ago and took care of her and worked full time. I miss her dearly but have no regrets. Hugs~Judy

There is a very high rate of divorce after a child with severe disability is born to a husband and wife. Usually, the mother sticks with the stressful duties of daily care for the child and the husband leaves. Taking care of our elderly loved ones is quite comparable. The difference with our older loved ones is that the level of care and stress can creep up on you. Without an outside source lending perspective, one can enter dangerous territory where the negative effects start to pile up. You need to talk to someone who can lend that perspective and can provide a list of options available for the care of your mother. Just as you have for your mom, you need to try different strategies to create respite and sanctuary for yourself. First, pare back your schedule. You have too much on your plate. Why two careers AND caregiving? Eliminate things that raise stress; I got rid of social media for a while, for example. Choose a stress reducing activity; some people turn to exercise, religion, meditation, aromatherapy.....find what works for you. Fit some time in each day for that. Make sleep a priority. Then, pick one problem, only one, and come up a list of ideas that might solve that one problem. Try each idea until something works....success! Then, identify the next...Make each discreet goal and follow through. Your significant other leaving you is important to note. I won't make any judgement knowing so little about your circumstances, but what I am hearing is that you are very stressed and that needs to change....for you. You can do this and you will feel better.

I am very sorry to hear of your loss. We have relationships and then there is this colossal X factor that shifts our energy dramatically. I have the problem from an opposite perspective, with my wife obsessed over her Father's condition of a stroke and the loss of his wife 9 years ago. He lives two hours away and we have had our family time and social life overtaken by this. She is afraid of guilt a fter he's gone and in the meantime her sister moved 2,000 miles away to avoid dealing with her Father. We have had some fights about balance in our lives and it has shaped a better pattern. If your long-term relationship is worth it, you may want to reach out and try to save it. In any case, I'd bet there were warning signs that were missed about it causing strife. You'd want to know that for the future. It's wonderful to help family, but if their problems, especially chronic ones, will stop you from living your own life, you have to decide how much it's all worth to you. Individual decision, case by case. I wish you well and would only suggest that you take care of YOU first and then decide who fits where. There are no right or wrong answers, just choices. It only matters that you are happy with yours. Best of luck to you, you sound like a very caring and considerate person. I hope you are rewarded.

Greetings Lynn. Perhaps one day you will thank him for giving you the time and space to care for your mother as her awful disease progresses. It is a sacred gift that you are giving her and one I doubt you will ever regret. I am sharing from experience (significant other left after eleven years) and am grateful for the extra time and attention I gave my mother before she recently passed. It is a life experience and journey I hold dear. She is your mother, brought you into the world and would care for you until her last breath. It is our honor to do the same for them. In the meantime, I hope you are grateful for every moment shared. If you are not already doing so, please take care of your "self", get a caregiver to stay with her a few hours, get a massage, your nails done, a facial, whatever brings you peace and comfort. The both of you are blessed to have each other. It is a journey no one knows until experienced. Blessings to you.

Sorry but what good are significant others if they are not there when things get rough. If he left you after 13 years then he is a selfish jerk and not the man (or woman) you deserve. Yes, you have to try and balance caring for your mom and your other relationships as best you can but if he was really a decent person he would have talked to you about it first, told you how he felt and hopefully you could have reached some compromise. The fact he left you via text after 13 years while you are dealing with a sick mother shows a lack of compassion, integrity and just plain decency. I know you are probably heartbroken and I do feel for you. Been there. A real man (or woman) who loves you would stand by your side in the bad times and at the very least communicates if things need to be changed. It is sad that in today's society so many people run away when the going get tough rather than man/woman up and deal with the situation like an grown adult. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I am caring for my mother as well and it is hard. When she passes I know I won't feel any regrets because I did what I could to care for her. I will pray that we both find loving compassionate selfless significant others when the time is right.

Be gentle with yourself. You are doing the very best you can. Take care of your grieving, for: your mom, your love relationship, and the death of your aunt. That's a lot for anyone. Big hugs from TN.

PS - I hope you do make room in your heart and mind to talk to Jesus. He is your Creator, the very source of Love and Peace - the best resource anyone, anywhere can offer you. He has been there for me "in the mountains and valleys" of life, for sure.

I’ve experienced the same thing. My husband is 78 and in 1st stage. I am compelled in telling everyone I know what he has. In doing so I’ve lost friends. He is my world and he comes first. Yes I feel sad about loosing relationships but I’m choosing to think they don’t know what to say or do. I tell everyone out of shock and concern for him. Your world turns into chaos. The most important thing I’ve found is making time for yourself. New friends will be made. No one can understand what it’s like to see a loved one go thru this disease. My husband has always been extremely independent and now he’s not. Being a caregiver is the hardest thing I’ve had to face with him. We’ve been together 50 years.

EVERY single answer here has proven to be helpful in some way. I can't thank you guys enough. Also, I may have been misleading with my original text as I said I 'just lost' the relationship-actually I got the text a while ago but continued texts and conversations as I thought we could still work things out. This weekend was just the finality of things as the extra car that was stored in my garage and the rest of the belongings are gone now and I think that sent me reeling again a bit. Still no face to face contact, but accepting that may be for the best somehow. I am learning how to move on, accept how it ended, recognize my responsibility in this, etc. And THANK YOU ALL again for taking your time to respond, so invaluable to me and kind of you.

Hi Lynn,

Let me start by sharing how impressed I am with how involved you are with the care and safety needs of your mother. Caregiving is an extremely stressful and exhausting job, not because caring for your mom is so traumatic. It is the heightened sense of urgency 24 hours per day with very little support from others. You rose to the challenge and have my respect!

There are so many things I want to discuss with you.

Laura

I suggest that your broken heartiness is really more like grief for what you _thought_ you had. The person that send you a text instead of having the guts and consideration to break up face to face is a self centered coward - I doubt that is how you thought of your SO before these actions revealed true character. It may be easier to get over this breakup if you separate what you thought you had and wanted from what you really had.

Years ago during a time when my brother and his wife were having significant problems, my nephews spent the weekends at my home - out of the line of fire. A couple of boyfriends told me they didn't like not seeing me alone on the weekend or being restricted to family friendly venues. I told them we were "friends" and those kids were "family". If somewhere down the line BF started moving toward being "family" then things could change but "family" will always come first. A couple of BFs moved on, but one told me he hadn't thought about it that way before and I was right.

SOs are not family even if they hang around for 13 years. In my old fashion view maybe especially if they hang around for 13 years without the commitment of marriage.

You only have one mom and are sacrificing right now, but it won't be forever. Now that the jerk left you can focus on her.
Sounds like he probably added to the stress rather than supported you. When you're in a place to devote to your relationship you'll find the right person.

I don't have any advice, but aw, honey. I am so sorry you are going through this. I would just say, off-load anything you can afford to. Your mom REALLY would have wanted you to protect yourself. There has to be a social worker of some sort you can contact, maybe attached to a memory care place.

I am sorry this happened, if your relationship had to end it should have been handled more respectfully. Each of you made the choices for your lives that you felt were best for you, from SO moving to follow career, to you choosing your responsibilities to your family, to SO choosing to leave the relationship, which couldn't bear the weight of the distance created by the previous choices. The best I can tell you is to make peace with your choices and trust that, although it hurts in the immediate, in the long term making your best choices for your life with what is in front of you will serve you well.

I always think about how I would want someone to take care of me in case I was the one who was ill. And I am thinking that someone like him would not be able to be there for me. So, in such a case, he has done you a favor by leaving since it allows you now to find someone who can be there for you when times are good and when times are rough. Few of us know who can stick with us except in these awful situations. This is about the only time one knows who are our true friends and who can be our partners. It's extremely painful but better now than when you maybe sick yourself and actually need someone like him and not have that person at all....

why would you miss that jerk. You know he will leave you if you get sick or get problems. Be thankful he left. Your mom did you favor.

Look I'm about to be married and he's been HELPING me take care of my mom. That's what you want. someone who actually cares about you. My mum always comes first. she's totally dependent on my care so she can't help the way she is and never asked for Alzheimer's disease. He knows that..

You did the RIGHT thing. You only have one mom. And if he leaves you something like that and your mom can't help the way she is..he's not worth having in the first place. Thank God he left! He's not worth a cracker.

You’ve obviously been through a lot with your mom and then this happens. I’m sure it feels like a betrayal and I’m sorry he couldn’t express his feelings better than a text. I’m sure there is a history here of some disagreements over your relationship in the past. These things don’t usually come to a head like this without some simmering first. So while I am sorry there are lessons here to learn from and move your life forward and perhaps in another direction Lynn.
It sounds like your caregiving is all consuming and perhaps even made you disrespect or not be careful of your boundaries. Or perhaps you don’t have what are called healthy boundaries. Risking your career like that would be one of them. You can’t properly take care of others if you also don’t respect care for yourself and your other important relationships. You read about it on here all the time of caregiver's family and spouse relationships suffering. To get past this and to see how you can have good boundaries I would suggest a few counseling sessions with a good therapist. Is that possible? And getting good help for your mom to ease some of your duties so you can also take care of yourself. You don’t want to lose your health...both mental and physical.
Your boyfriend did you a favor by bowing out although I’m not sure it feels this way now. I once lost a man over a health issue I have and I was so devastated I cried for weeks and needed counseling. But now I see it as a blessing. I met and married my husband who was wonderful when I told him. So my best and let us now how things go in the future as a check in.