I just lost a long-term relationship after my mother got Alzheimer's. Looking for advice.

'Advice' about the past is no use. For now, a good rest and a change of scene. 'Change the furniture in your head', to quote. Best wishes.

What do you want advice on?
Do you want your SO back?
Are you wondering how to move on without your SO?
Or are you just trying to get your life back together?

Prehaps the real question is, did you make a mistake taking care of your mom? No, you didn't! You did what you felt was right. That is what matters!

Did your SO tell you why she left?

If this person is so lovily than why did she leave? I understand that as caregivers we can become comsumed with making sure our LO are taking care of that we forget to take care of ourselves, little long are partner. But your SO should have been understanding as well.

And to tell you the truth, it is pretty crapy to leave you when so much was going on! Plus, how sweet is it to leave someone after 13 yrs by a text?
You deserve better than that! A text, REALLY??

If you can take some time for yourself, prehaps try to right down how you feel and what you want. Just an idea!

Maybe she did you a favour by leaving, and you just don't know it yet!

May God comfort and guide you through this hard time in your life. May He give you strength and courage to keep moving forward in the name of Jesus'. Amen

Yes, that's right. Not a bad person, but just couldn't hang during the darkest of times I guess. And I'm just trying to figure out how to move on I think.

It's hard to give advice to you without sounding pollyannish and trite. But I think any time you sacrifice to help someone you love you've done the right thing. God's work. Forgive me for saying that since you are not into the God thing. But that is what you did by helping your Mom.

Your S O sounds very selfish. People who run the other way when you most need them are showing you who they are. Believe them. Now you run away if she comes back with her tail between her legs.

Getting your life back will take time. Start slow. I'd suggest decompressing for a while. Then take baby steps. What those baby steps will be for you is up to you but if you had the strength to take care of your Mom you are strong and you will figure it out. Good Luck to you and Hugs!

Trying to think of a kinder way to make a blunt statement, but if this person “left” (deserted?) you based on the issues with your dependent LO, you may have dodged a bullet, or at the very least, you became the recipient of a degree of honesty that might or otherwise been extended.

YOU did, and are doing, THE RIGHT THING.

I don't have any advice, just big hugs and fellow feeling.

And, you do now have more support in place with the caregiving? So there'll be a better balance to your life in general?

Not saying anything about Poorme Peter. Only - for years I kept a strip cartoon of two Romans talking about a glamorous lady they'd just walked past.

Roman 1 - That's Cassius's wife. She's shed two hundred pounds of unsightly fat!

Roman 2 - How, a crash diet?

Roman 1 - No. She left Cassius.

If you think losing a girlfriend is bad, imagine losing your brother and sister. I've put my life on the back burner for sorts to help care for my dad. I've had the opportunity of meeting many people, but I don't think they can relate to what pain I have had so I just smile and let them by.

WOW 😮 how horrible! But you know what, you found out he’s definitely not THE ONE for you. If he cannot be there for you in your darkest hour, you don’t want to continue that “relationship !” He is very selfish & to do this via TEXT!!!! OMG...You’re better off without him..

You take care & find the right solution for you & mom.

Hugs 🤗

I was very impressed by your comment an hour ago: “It doesn't mean they don't care, and maybe not every one we meet has to understand everything in order to add value to our lives? And maybe us to theirs?”. It is so true, but so hard to accept. I am not sure that I could say it just after getting treated badly. Mess or not, you have your head and your heart together now, and you will survive. Very best wishes.

I did mean to cast you as Cassius's wife and not as Cassius!

It may not have been your intention or choice to break up, and certainly not in the way it happened. But is it possible that your exSO kind of felt that you had already left him?

Fact is, he wasn't up to scratch. I too commend your fairness towards him, and your philosophical gratitude for the good times, but I think and hope you'll eventually feel you haven't lost anything you can't do very well without.

"No contact" is the wise choice. After 13 yrs he must have known your Mom fairly well.

It's not only a betrayal to you but the betrayal of your sweet Mom that cuts the deepest.

Stay strong girlfriend....you are on the right path to healing.

I may get blasted for this opinion, but being the SO of a full time caregiver is extremely difficult. The parent does come first. It isn’t wrong to want to move forward in your relationship, but then you hit a brick wall because it’s not happening. You simulateously feel resentment, guilt, understanding, compassion, appreciation for your SO’s devotion and helpless/hopeless that you will ever have what you want. Letting go is not easy, so you remain in a state of ambivalence and sometimes depression until you can reconcile your feelings and determine what is best. You are a threesome, not a couple. What’s worse is that the mother needing care is lovely. I keep seeing how narcissistic and nasty the ones needing care are, but this is not my case. Still, the frustration and resentment build because she is always there. Following us, having to be part of every conversation, calling on the phone even when we’re in the house together, but not in the same room. Calling when we’re out. The house is theirs...decorating, etc. The obligation for the house is entirely his. She does dishes but that’s it. He has his own more-than-full-time business. She doesn’t drive, shop or clean. Cooks occasionally. The disease is definitely there but progressing very slowly. This will most likely go on for years.
But how do you give up on someone who is so devoted...how do you know if it’s an unhealthy, boundary-less attachment? Sometimes it is, as boundaries in other areas of his life are not well defined either. However, he is not entirely unaware...he is wracked with his own confusing feelings of obligation, love, denial...he has unhealthy anger outbursts too. There is no plan to put her in a home, ever. He is not interested in counseling or medication for what I believe is anxiety/depression. However, he will go to a support group with me.
He can understand my feelings, but made this commmitment long ago. We are past child bearing age and do not live together. We are working on getting her some support so he is not the sole entertainer. He is willing to go out alone, or come to my house. However, disillusionment and distance has occurred between us over the years. Some might describe me as selfish...but am I really? Do I have to be defined as either selfish or stupid (i.e. “run!”)? I believe there are a lot more in betweeners out there.
Having said all that, 13 years is a long time and a text message extremely minimizes the relationship. My guess is that communication has always been difficult for him. But I will also guess he went through some gut wrenching ambivalence and soul searching before he pressed “send”.

Love, if anyone can't respect you enough to have a one on one conversation with you about feelings and texts you. You're not wrong. They are. Life happened. You did what you felt in your heart was right. They should have supported you even if they didnt agree. I feel you. I've been here too much. If you feel you did what you could then that's it. Change is sometimes for the better. You never know what is around the next corner. Good luck. Much love. Jo

I’m very sorry you’ve lost so much. I’m in no position to give advice, because I too am very similar in your ways. I’m relatively newly married and I struggle with putting my struggling family’s needs before him, mostly because he’s just such a nice person and he’s so understanding. What I can say is that the significant other that left you most likely hasn’t experienced loss or pain to the scale that you have yet. They likely don’t realize the inner struggle you went through and are going through every single day. Did they speak with you and let you know how they felt? We’re you given the chance to make changes? From reading your post, it is my opinion that anyone that would leave someone struggling such as you are and in the amount of pain you are in ...VIA TEXT....is someone that maybe is better off letting go. You don’t have to be with someone who’s suffered or is suffering to understand you, and a relationship lasting for over 13 years should have definitely have built more respect and empathy than what you’ve received. I’m very sorry for what you’re going through. I don’t think you made the wrong decision for caring for your mom!

You’ve obviously been through a lot with your mom and then this happens. I’m sure it feels like a betrayal and I’m sorry he couldn’t express his feelings better than a text. I’m sure there is a history here of some disagreements over your relationship in the past. These things don’t usually come to a head like this without some simmering first. So while I am sorry there are lessons here to learn from and move your life forward and perhaps in another direction Lynn.
It sounds like your caregiving is all consuming and perhaps even made you disrespect or not be careful of your boundaries. Or perhaps you don’t have what are called healthy boundaries. Risking your career like that would be one of them. You can’t properly take care of others if you also don’t respect care for yourself and your other important relationships. You read about it on here all the time of caregiver's family and spouse relationships suffering. To get past this and to see how you can have good boundaries I would suggest a few counseling sessions with a good therapist. Is that possible? And getting good help for your mom to ease some of your duties so you can also take care of yourself. You don’t want to lose your health...both mental and physical.
Your boyfriend did you a favor by bowing out although I’m not sure it feels this way now. I once lost a man over a health issue I have and I was so devastated I cried for weeks and needed counseling. But now I see it as a blessing. I met and married my husband who was wonderful when I told him. So my best and let us now how things go in the future as a check in.

You did the RIGHT thing. You only have one mom. And if he leaves you something like that and your mom can't help the way she is..he's not worth having in the first place. Thank God he left! He's not worth a cracker.

why would you miss that jerk. You know he will leave you if you get sick or get problems. Be thankful he left. Your mom did you favor.

Look I'm about to be married and he's been HELPING me take care of my mom. That's what you want. someone who actually cares about you. My mum always comes first. she's totally dependent on my care so she can't help the way she is and never asked for Alzheimer's disease. He knows that..

I always think about how I would want someone to take care of me in case I was the one who was ill. And I am thinking that someone like him would not be able to be there for me. So, in such a case, he has done you a favor by leaving since it allows you now to find someone who can be there for you when times are good and when times are rough. Few of us know who can stick with us except in these awful situations. This is about the only time one knows who are our true friends and who can be our partners. It's extremely painful but better now than when you maybe sick yourself and actually need someone like him and not have that person at all....

I am sorry this happened, if your relationship had to end it should have been handled more respectfully. Each of you made the choices for your lives that you felt were best for you, from SO moving to follow career, to you choosing your responsibilities to your family, to SO choosing to leave the relationship, which couldn't bear the weight of the distance created by the previous choices. The best I can tell you is to make peace with your choices and trust that, although it hurts in the immediate, in the long term making your best choices for your life with what is in front of you will serve you well.

I don't have any advice, but aw, honey. I am so sorry you are going through this. I would just say, off-load anything you can afford to. Your mom REALLY would have wanted you to protect yourself. There has to be a social worker of some sort you can contact, maybe attached to a memory care place.

You only have one mom and are sacrificing right now, but it won't be forever. Now that the jerk left you can focus on her.
Sounds like he probably added to the stress rather than supported you. When you're in a place to devote to your relationship you'll find the right person.

I suggest that your broken heartiness is really more like grief for what you _thought_ you had. The person that send you a text instead of having the guts and consideration to break up face to face is a self centered coward - I doubt that is how you thought of your SO before these actions revealed true character. It may be easier to get over this breakup if you separate what you thought you had and wanted from what you really had.

Years ago during a time when my brother and his wife were having significant problems, my nephews spent the weekends at my home - out of the line of fire. A couple of boyfriends told me they didn't like not seeing me alone on the weekend or being restricted to family friendly venues. I told them we were "friends" and those kids were "family". If somewhere down the line BF started moving toward being "family" then things could change but "family" will always come first. A couple of BFs moved on, but one told me he hadn't thought about it that way before and I was right.

SOs are not family even if they hang around for 13 years. In my old fashion view maybe especially if they hang around for 13 years without the commitment of marriage.

Hi Lynn,

Let me start by sharing how impressed I am with how involved you are with the care and safety needs of your mother. Caregiving is an extremely stressful and exhausting job, not because caring for your mom is so traumatic. It is the heightened sense of urgency 24 hours per day with very little support from others. You rose to the challenge and have my respect!

There are so many things I want to discuss with you.

Laura

EVERY single answer here has proven to be helpful in some way. I can't thank you guys enough. Also, I may have been misleading with my original text as I said I 'just lost' the relationship-actually I got the text a while ago but continued texts and conversations as I thought we could still work things out. This weekend was just the finality of things as the extra car that was stored in my garage and the rest of the belongings are gone now and I think that sent me reeling again a bit. Still no face to face contact, but accepting that may be for the best somehow. I am learning how to move on, accept how it ended, recognize my responsibility in this, etc. And THANK YOU ALL again for taking your time to respond, so invaluable to me and kind of you.

I’ve experienced the same thing. My husband is 78 and in 1st stage. I am compelled in telling everyone I know what he has. In doing so I’ve lost friends. He is my world and he comes first. Yes I feel sad about loosing relationships but I’m choosing to think they don’t know what to say or do. I tell everyone out of shock and concern for him. Your world turns into chaos. The most important thing I’ve found is making time for yourself. New friends will be made. No one can understand what it’s like to see a loved one go thru this disease. My husband has always been extremely independent and now he’s not. Being a caregiver is the hardest thing I’ve had to face with him. We’ve been together 50 years.

Be gentle with yourself. You are doing the very best you can. Take care of your grieving, for: your mom, your love relationship, and the death of your aunt. That's a lot for anyone. Big hugs from TN.

PS - I hope you do make room in your heart and mind to talk to Jesus. He is your Creator, the very source of Love and Peace - the best resource anyone, anywhere can offer you. He has been there for me "in the mountains and valleys" of life, for sure.

Sorry but what good are significant others if they are not there when things get rough. If he left you after 13 years then he is a selfish jerk and not the man (or woman) you deserve. Yes, you have to try and balance caring for your mom and your other relationships as best you can but if he was really a decent person he would have talked to you about it first, told you how he felt and hopefully you could have reached some compromise. The fact he left you via text after 13 years while you are dealing with a sick mother shows a lack of compassion, integrity and just plain decency. I know you are probably heartbroken and I do feel for you. Been there. A real man (or woman) who loves you would stand by your side in the bad times and at the very least communicates if things need to be changed. It is sad that in today's society so many people run away when the going get tough rather than man/woman up and deal with the situation like an grown adult. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I am caring for my mother as well and it is hard. When she passes I know I won't feel any regrets because I did what I could to care for her. I will pray that we both find loving compassionate selfless significant others when the time is right.

Greetings Lynn. Perhaps one day you will thank him for giving you the time and space to care for your mother as her awful disease progresses. It is a sacred gift that you are giving her and one I doubt you will ever regret. I am sharing from experience (significant other left after eleven years) and am grateful for the extra time and attention I gave my mother before she recently passed. It is a life experience and journey I hold dear. She is your mother, brought you into the world and would care for you until her last breath. It is our honor to do the same for them. In the meantime, I hope you are grateful for every moment shared. If you are not already doing so, please take care of your "self", get a caregiver to stay with her a few hours, get a massage, your nails done, a facial, whatever brings you peace and comfort. The both of you are blessed to have each other. It is a journey no one knows until experienced. Blessings to you.

I am very sorry to hear of your loss. We have relationships and then there is this colossal X factor that shifts our energy dramatically. I have the problem from an opposite perspective, with my wife obsessed over her Father's condition of a stroke and the loss of his wife 9 years ago. He lives two hours away and we have had our family time and social life overtaken by this. She is afraid of guilt a fter he's gone and in the meantime her sister moved 2,000 miles away to avoid dealing with her Father. We have had some fights about balance in our lives and it has shaped a better pattern. If your long-term relationship is worth it, you may want to reach out and try to save it. In any case, I'd bet there were warning signs that were missed about it causing strife. You'd want to know that for the future. It's wonderful to help family, but if their problems, especially chronic ones, will stop you from living your own life, you have to decide how much it's all worth to you. Individual decision, case by case. I wish you well and would only suggest that you take care of YOU first and then decide who fits where. There are no right or wrong answers, just choices. It only matters that you are happy with yours. Best of luck to you, you sound like a very caring and considerate person. I hope you are rewarded.

There is a very high rate of divorce after a child with severe disability is born to a husband and wife. Usually, the mother sticks with the stressful duties of daily care for the child and the husband leaves. Taking care of our elderly loved ones is quite comparable. The difference with our older loved ones is that the level of care and stress can creep up on you. Without an outside source lending perspective, one can enter dangerous territory where the negative effects start to pile up. You need to talk to someone who can lend that perspective and can provide a list of options available for the care of your mother. Just as you have for your mom, you need to try different strategies to create respite and sanctuary for yourself. First, pare back your schedule. You have too much on your plate. Why two careers AND caregiving? Eliminate things that raise stress; I got rid of social media for a while, for example. Choose a stress reducing activity; some people turn to exercise, religion, meditation, aromatherapy.....find what works for you. Fit some time in each day for that. Make sleep a priority. Then, pick one problem, only one, and come up a list of ideas that might solve that one problem. Try each idea until something works....success! Then, identify the next...Make each discreet goal and follow through. Your significant other leaving you is important to note. I won't make any judgement knowing so little about your circumstances, but what I am hearing is that you are very stressed and that needs to change....for you. You can do this and you will feel better.