I have caused a huge family upset by letting them know I can no longer care for my mother. How do I deal with this?

This is your prerogative, what others think of it is none of your business. You are the one who has had the burden, if they don’t like it , let them give her a home. You won’t be any good for your mother if you overextend yourself.
Make the necessary moves with loving care, but don’t let other’s influence you, they haven’t the slightest idea of what it requires to give 24/7 care.

If they think you are being selfish ask them to come take care of her for a weekend to give you time for yourself too. I have the same issue. I am the middle daughter of 3. Both sisiters live within adequate distance to help. One helps on occasion and the other hasn't been around at all to help but is the first to tell me that I am wrong for wanting my Dad in a home. My dad gave up when my mom passed 27 years ago.. we have been doing it for that long. I know how you feel. My health and my life have completely suffered and I am the bad guy. I can only advise that you ask them to come see for themselves what exactly you are going through. I feel for you I wish I could say some easy solution but I haven't found it yet only I will say stand your ground because you have to take care of you before you can fully take care of others.

Start by sending the same texts back to them. They are the ones who are being selfish - they are willing to sacrifice YOU so they don't have to deal with the problem.

Then you find out what steps YOU need to take to get YOUR life back again.

I have often found that "well-meaning" family / friends are often quick to offer their advice or shame others for not doing or not continuing to care for aging / disabled loved ones. Your are not being "selfish" you have given the last eight month of your life to your mom.

You have to put yourself, your health and your family first. You cannot help anyone if you let your health go.

I would tell your siblings "I have put my life on hold for the last eight months to care for our mom. I need to go back home and take care of myself and my family. I can either look at placing in long-term care or one of you need to step up and come take my place." Don't let their emails get to you. I think they are being selfish by expecting you to give up your life while they do nothing. After all if they can "shame you" into doing what they should be willing to help with then they are off the hook and mom has the care she needs.

Good luck to you, let us know what happens.

So many folks have such a huge heart and willing to take on the care of a parent. I applaud you for doing what you could. None of us can do it all. We need help.

One thing I always ask my patients, when they think about taking on the care of a parent, "What is your exit strategy?" and "When will you know it's time to let go?" When you have these answers, then it's time to discuss them with the aging parent, as well as the siblings and everyone else who wants to give their opinions.

There is so much preparation BEFORE going taking on this adventure.
But for you, my dear lady, let go, It's time.

Their selfishness is unspeakable.  Call the Alzheimer's Association and ask for options.  Then find help.  If they will not help out financially or by taking turns in the home, then they should have absolutely no say.  I cannot state strongly enough that it is torture to go through what you are going through and for them to ignore that is selfishness at its worst.  See if you can hire someone to come in and help so you can have some relief.  Make them chip in, or insist that you get medical power of attorney and find another option.  They are not worth being in your life if they would see you go through this without helping out or understanding that something else needs to be done.  Bless you.

I went through a similar situation. I lived with my mom for about 10 years after my brother passed. Her condition declined and much more care was needed on a daily basis. She was sewn to my hip for 8 years. I declined both physically and mentally. After 8 years and a couple of breakdowns I put my foot down to family and moved out. It forced my siblings to step up to the plate. I am in counseling and no longer feel guilty for making a good decision for myself. I am now living and breathing on my own again. My siblings are now seeing how difficult it is and hopefully are judging me less. That’s on them. I have no regrets for making decisions for my mental and physical wellbeing. I encourage you to go into therapy! A counselor will help guide you to make the right choices for you and you mom! Good luck to you! There is help out there!

Of course they are treating you this way and trying to shame you into continuing to care for her. Why wouldn't they? You are the one caring for her and if you stop, perhaps one of them would have to care for her. My suggestion? Take her to one of their homes for a visit and leave her there and walk out. Bet they would begin to understand then. Honestly, don't let them treat you this way. If you are the only one there caring for her, place her in a memory care facility close to where you live and sell everything she owns except what she needs and will keep with her. Allow her social security to pay for her to be placed and do what you need to do to make her safe and care for yourself. Them when they begin, let them know that anytime they would like to care for her solely, then they can remove her from the facility and take her with them.

Send those guilt and shame filled texts back to them, and say "If you can do it, take over." it is easy for them to call you selfish when they are on the other side watching and not helping. it is amazing how people can judge you while not doing anything themselves.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I hope a peaceful resolution can be made. Brightest blessings for you. You're in my thoughts.

Your sisters are wrong. You have done the very best for your mother, now different care is required. You are not alone. It sounds like you are going to need some counseling to get through the bs-guilt that your family members are throwing your way...please look for a counselor. The very best to you.

My sister in law and her husband handled everything for my husbands parents for years. They have lived in a house rent free that the in-laws own for over 40 years and the family knew this was the agreement they had made with their parents. However, when it became apparent that the job was bigger then they could handle, they needed help. No one stepped up. This is what happened.
When we the other family members would offer help we were told they were doing fine. No one lives in the town except the care giver sister so it would be a day trip to go. When we would call to say we were coming down Dad would say don't come. He suffers from dementia and his paranoia would prevent him from having more than 2 people in the home at one time. I am the wife of the oldest son and I recognized elder abuse happening. Not intentional, but the care level needed was not being met. I started bring prepackaged healthy meals and
even had physical therapy come to the home. Mom wasn't moving from the chair. She had no physical limitations but had become so weak that she became immobile and incontinent. This is what happens when one member has dementia and is running everything. The sister in charge was doing what he allowed and not crossing him. Long story short, they hardly ate the meals, complained about everything we brought in and Mom refused to do the exercises. They both fell and broke their hips that year and it was the best thing that ever happened. That is horrible to say, but because of it Mom was able to go into rehab and finally be away from Dad, and I teamed up with the sister and guided her through the steps to get financial aide so she sould stay there. We kept Dad in the home for six more months but soon realized that he was lonely and confused and demanding every bit of sister in laws time. She had family problems and could not do it. We were able to move him to assisted living and both parents are now in the same facility. They spend the day together in his little apartment and dine together lunch and dinner. Mom goes back to her room at night. She has never progressed from the wheelchair and is bowel and bladder incontinent but so much better. We even finally had her cataracts done and she can read again. Her progressive blindness had been going on for 10 years. It was a awful situation with a good outcome. The finances are stretched to the limit but I was able to do a separation of assets and get Mom on Medicaid. By doing this, they are able to afford his monthly bills. We are looking to VA for a small stipend since he was a Korean War veteran.
The reason I am telling this is because, you need to ask for help before it gets bad. Your family needs to know the whole situation. In our case it was hidden from us until it became desperate. Don't stay if you cannot do it. My sister in law meant well, but her level of care became unacceptable when our parents got worse. Don't let this happen to your family. Walk away with your head held high and pray that your lazy siblings will come forward. If there are other circumstances why you were chosen to care for your Mother, address that and get out. Right now, for us we have no guilt and are able to enjoy our parents. They are happy and healthy and safe. The other siblings have still not to help and have only visited once or twice in a year. I cannot judge them, I can only do what I know is best.

Your an angel, You have done all you possibly can, Who is NOW looking after your well being? Your Blister Sisters? make a Game Plan for the Best Care now for Mom and Live your life Guilt Free.

Think of it this way: if you don't take care of yourself, you will have NOTHING to give to others, including your immediate and extended family. You've had your turn - now it's up to them.

Madisella123 is correct - they are trying to manipulate you. Tell your sisters that THEY can care for your mother if they are going to be so critical of you.

You must preserve your own health. Please put your mother in a nursing home. You are NOT being selfish. You are doing what is best for both yourself and your mother.

I am so sorry this is happening. It’s a type of manipulation to get you to continue to care for her because frankly they do not want to.

How to deal with it? You are doing what’s best for you and your mom! Find out which sister wants to come and take her home with them!

If you have the legal control over your mom, then place her in a nursing facility where they can provide adequate care for her. You visiting often will be helpful. If you don’t have legal control, then ask whoever does to please come and take care of all the legistics.

It’s time to pass the baton.

If you can't do it, you can't. That's that. It is only going to get worse. Much worse. My mom has end-stage Alzheimer's disease, bedridden, feeding tube, and I am here by myself caring for her and it's very back breaking. I have to employ a Hoyer lift to get her to the living room, and same lift to get her back to bed. Tons of diapers, gloves, disposable chucks, cleaning wipes, rinseless soaps..those alone cost about $100 to $150 a month. With reusable bed protectors as well, I have to wash and dry DAILY and that's just one elder adult. The trash gets full of diapers and wipes very quickly. It's a nightmare. I have to keep the house cool for her comfort so my electric bill is quite high.

You need to organize putting your mom in a home. If she is not on Medicaid you need to see an eldercare attorney to get her prepared for that and be mindful of all the laws such as the 5 year look-back law.

For sure you are not selfish.  Your sisters are abusing you. Your health is very seriously at risk.  Wise of you to recognize that and make necessary changes.  Necessary not because of failure on your part, but because realistically this is what needs to be done, for your mother's sake, as well as for yours.  Your sisters don't want to do what they should be doing in this situation. Since they don't carry the load, they get no vote. And keep in mind, just because someone says something, does not make it true.

Lolli,

Isn’t blocking a great feature? Good for you!

It takes ENORMOUS COURAGE to take on the task of caregiver, and it takes ENORMOUS STRENGTH to assess your capacity for self preservation and decision making to become aware that you have exhausted your reserves and need to seek new solution(s) for meeting the needs of your mom.

That you have taken steps to do this and have been criticized for your efforts does NOT reflect on who you are or what you have already done and continue to do.

What anyone, even family members says about you cannot change who you know you are.

Let them know you are looking forward to hearing their ideas, invite them to come to demonstrate such good ideas, and tell them that while they’re there to demonstrate, you’ll be taking some hard earned vacation time and looking through some recommended residential care sites while they take care of Mom.

I have an enemy in my camp too, and we were raised as siblings. Harder by far than doing the caregiving on my own, but if it’s the best I can do to provide the best care for LO, you and I can grow a tough skin and do it.

Lolli,
Any update for us. Thinking of you. Likely that is just because I am so INTO mean, selfish, shameful folks who are skinny. Hope you are taking care and drawing the line with the sisters.

So now, after 8 months, you are the expert on what it takes to be mom’s caretaker. There is a period after that sentence, not a question mark.

The sisters, not having done the job, don’t have a clue of what it takes. That’s obvious by their attitudes.

This forum is for caregivers. You are surrounded on this site by people who have walked the walk. Not everyone understands what that takes. Your sisters don’t. But you do and we do.

Many of us have learned the hard way, by overextending our resources, our health, our immediate families, our own futures and retirement and any relationship we hope to have with our siblings. It’s like quicksand. You take a step in the wrong direction and you are sucked in never to be seen again.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

You aren’t trying to tell your sisters what to do (I hope). You are just telling them, letting them know, that you can no longer serve. Don’t make excuses. You’ve already given more than they have. It doesn’t matter how many husbands they have.

You don’t owe them and even if they have been carrying the burden for years, while you were off in St Louis, that doesn’t make you the caretaker against your will.

So, perhaps your relationship will mend with the sisters, or not, you can’t worry about that now. You will never get those eight months back but you can hold your head up that you did what you could.

Where are you in the process of going home? What is your next step? Give us some feedback and we will try to help.

Oh no....PLEASE recognize the fact that you are not the selfish one here, and don't be guilted by their texts.....they simply don't want to share in any of the responsibility caring for mom. You did your best.......nothing more should be expected of you. Not to mention how difficult is is to leave your own family to do what is an extremely difficult job. The sisters need to step up, and if they are unwilling or unable to do their part, then an AL or MC facility is your only option. With your mom's medical limitations placement will not be an issue. Does anyone have POA? Depending on finances or whether mom qualifies for Medicaid should be looked into asap. Sisters can take turns caring for mom until transfer is complete.....and you need to go home to the support and love from your family and heal both physically and emotionally. Please keep us posted.

Tell them to come and get her

We all (including you!) agree that this can’t go on. If you had any doubts about whether you are ‘selfish’, the answers so far ought to have reassured you. So, the real question is how to handle the sisters. It sounds as though both explaining and asking for some understanding hasn’t worked and is not going to work. It also sounds as though you aren’t ready just to walk out – it’s too hard on mother. So you need a catastrophe that means you are not responsible for the decision to leave, but you have to leave within a month. Cancer (and let’s hope it isn’t true), house in St Louis developing serious structural problem (unfortunately not easy to spot), any other illness you can fake – perhaps get your leg put in a cast. Give the sisters a couple of care options for mother that you think would be OK, and say that you are very sorry, but they will have to choose and organise it. Otherwise you will have to bring mother to one of them and leave her there. Nominate one of them, so she will pick up the tab for the fight with the others. Sit back, block your ears to the next ‘huge family upset’, and get ready to do it. Best wishes, and good luck!

Good for you Lolli!

Some it takes much longer to realise it is too much to manage alone! I cared for mom for four years, twisted sissies made it emotionally very difficult. Mom was the easy part of the whole equation. If mom had been able to understand what was occurring between me and twisted, she would have disowned them. It was all so cruel to me, I developed a very thick skin. What twisteds did not understand was that their behavior impacted mom much more than it did me. I could see and understand what they were doing, mom couldn't.

Sad, isn't it when siblings actually prefer their denial than to face mom's needs. They just do not get it unless they are willing to provide some of their time to benefit your mom and you by helping you to have some me time.

Do what you need for YOU!

I never had to deal with any family members while caring for DW,Luz. But I know the physical and mental stress relatged to doing what you are doing for Mom.
I had reached that point myself with the physical part. My back was strting to really hurt from lifting her, etc. Mentally I was getting weak and needed help.
Unfortunately she took a turn and I lost her.
You family, in my opinion, do not deserve to be called family. If they cannot spend a month caring for Mom, then they need to butt out.
Do what your think and feel is right. If they don't like it tell them what my Dad would say. "You can kiss my stacking swivel".
Both you and Mom will reap the rewards for your decision.
God Bless you both.

You did the right thing. Now stay calm, cuz we aren't responsible for our nasty family members. (God loves you & knows you did a great job) caring for your mom all those months. Your siblings may never change, but you did your part...so hold your head☝up! It will get better friend. Hugs 2 u from us all!

Your sisters should be ashamed and embarrassed for their behavior. You did the best you could, it is not working and it is costing you to much with your health and heart.

Has mom got enough money to pay for a facility or have you checked into ALTCS? You are fortunate that she lives in Phoenix, you literally have thousands of choices for her care.

I would contact the Maricopa county council on aging and tell them that you need help planning your moms care. They will guide you.

I would send each of those sisters a text and tell them that they don't have a say, only boots on the ground caregiver gets to make decisions and they can support you in getting mom the best facility placement possible or they can leave you alone. Those are the only 2 options available to them, if they don't stop being hateful bullies then block their numbers.

I hope you are feeling better and that you can be home with your family soon. Hugs!

Really, the unmitigated gall of those siblings who are contributing nothing to try to guilt and shame another sibling for being unable to continue doing everyone's share indefinitely. I went through the same thing when I decided to cut back my level of involvement with Mom after several years of being "it".

The siblings thought you had it covered, permanently. They thought they were off the hook. Now they have to make a hard choice - either step up and help, or be on record as the slouches and slackers they are. As long as you are doing it, they can share the credit and feel virtuous as well. Mom is being cared for at home. She isn't being warehoused, abandoned to a nursing home. Everyone can feel good about that, as long as somebody else is doing all the work to make that possible.

Of course, they should be ashamed of themselves, instead of trying to shame you. Stick to your guns. She's their mother too.