I have caused a huge family upset by letting them know I can no longer care for my mother. How do I deal with this?

Your family sounds like a real piece of work! Now they’re being mean to your daughter? Good grief! Will their selfish ways never end? Do not go back. Your health is vital! Let them figure out that mom needs to be moved to be cared for. What gall!

So glad you are home. Stick by ur guns. You did ur time for 8 months. Your health suffered for it. If they get nasty and intimidating, block them. I did it with a friend. Have no idea if she even tried to call.

I think 4 people can figure out care for one person. So, they have to take some time off from work. Maybe use vacation time. Oh well, we all have to do what we have to do to care for our parents.

It must feel so good to be back in ur own home. Enjoy and get ur health back. Thats what is important now. Hopefully they realize what was involved in caring for Mom.

Just let your angry siblings know you have done your time and it is now time for the next one of THEM to step up for the next 8 months! Easy peasy! Seriously. Don’t feel any guilt about this. You have already gone above and beyond.

We all have to remember that we need to take care of ourselves first. Your sister's are being very cruel, selfish and irresponsible. Make a game plan to move you along, or move mother along... and then do it. You let them know what's going on, what they are responsible for fiscally and move it to action. It's very common trait of "bullys" to accuse the victim of the act that they themselves are guilty of - it's called projection and it is pure BS!

Good Grief!!! You are obviously NOT the selfish one here - you did all you could, now it is their turn to help with mother or at the very least help you help mother. . . if you can't do it, you can't do it. Period. Tell them you need help, period and don't let them make you feel guilty. Have you been the only one who has cared for or helped your parents at any time? It seems with that many siblings, someone or all together could take turns. Have a family meeting and insist some decisions be made. Back yourself up with someone who knows what your needs are. (your physician maybe? sorry, don't know who.) Sounds to me that your siblings are contributing to some of your physical and emotional stress over this situation. I can't believe THEY are being so totally selfish and lacking in understanding and support.

I'm so sorry your family is treating you like that. It's inevitable that the time will come when all our parents will need more help than we can give them. My sister-in-law, is even a nurse, and she told me she couldn't deal with her dad living with her. He has Parkinsons & Dimentia. That's why there are places that cater to the elderly.
If money is an issue, look around in your area for group homes. Maybe if you find a place, do your research, that feels homey to you, then tell your siblings, they might honor you for doing that.
Sending hopeful thoughts and prayers your way.💞

I'm just wondering why you didn't have them take over care when you went home for surgery? Using your daughter gave them another "out".

If your siblings will not each "take their turn", it's definitely time for a change.

Is your mother of sound mind?

If your mom is of sound mind, talk to her. 

Will your mom agree to relocate?  If she is willing to relocate, see if she would be willing to move to an apartment or an assisted living facility or a nursing home either near you (or near where most of her children could visit regularly -- if you and she actually believes they would). 

If your mom is of sound mind but unwilling to relocate, say farewell with a clear conscience.

If your mom is not of sound mind, see a lawyer and see what would be involved in getting you named as her legal guardian so you make decisions for her -- then liquidate most of her assets and relocate her  -- move her to an apartment assisted living facility or nursing home facility near your home so you could visit weekly.

Oh my goodness you’ve uprooted your life to care for mom for the past 8 months! Your sisters have done nothing. How about suggesting a “rotating schedule” in 8 month increments of who will be taking care of mom? I bet they change their minds in a hurry!
you owe them nothing! You don’t need to explain to them how this caregiving arrangement is killing you.... just be firm and tell them to “figure it out” from here because you are taking a well deserved break. Forever!

Dear Lolli: YOU haven't caused a family upset. They, the 4 non-caregiving sisters, have. It is imperative that you take care of yourself. Oftentimes, this is what happens with long-time caregivers - they become ill because it is wearing on the body - physically and emotionally. You are to focus on getting well and not responding to their snarky text messages. Someone else will have to step up to the plate. Prayers sent to you.

Turn off your computer or change it so they don't have access to getting to you. Put a block on the people you no longer want to hear from. They won't know. They have no idea what you're going thru they probably don't thinks it's a job. I'm going thru the same thing with my brother . I've been taking care of my dad for the last 5-7 years.
I myself at this moment am so angry with him that I'm going to have someone else tell my brother when my dad transitions like my Minister. He barely helps and they want me to get a job. So I do know somewhat how your feeling.
Go through Elder Options or whichever elder help resource is in your town take a caregiver training class and use some of their options. They maybe able to help with respite care and other things like a companion for your mom so you can get out. Also, see if AARP have resources that you can use.
The Savvy caregiver training course help me tremendously. I was even able to get a free transitional counselor. I hope this helps. They say you have to take care of yourself first or you won't be able to help your mom and true.

Did your mom have your other sisters when she had you?  She is ALSO their mother, so tell them to suck it up and come take part of the load off of you, or shut it up with the texts.  Shut the thing off and ignore them.  DEMAND them to help out with money to help with private sitters, supplies, etc.  I am totally lost as to people who have siblings and LET THEM GET AWAY with their unconcern for the shared parental responsibility.  IF I HAD SIBLINGS ( which I don't) then when my "time" was up, I would physically place my mother on their doorstep and tell them it was THEIR turn, and then I would return when it was MY turn to relieve them of my mom.  There are four of you?  Then EACH sibling GETS 3 months with mom!  PERIOD and NO DISCUSSION.

Dear Lolli5. I can relate to what you are saying. Once caregiving starts rippling and crashing into your health, whether it be physically or emotionally - it is time to make a change. It is a difficult decision. If your sisters are so concerned, let them sacrifice their life(s) for a while. I can’t help but wonder if they might have a respect for all you have done, and with that more compassion.

Good luck. Do what is right for you.

Do not let them bully you!! You are doing all the work and your health is suffering. Your sisters are the ones who are selfish. Ask your sisters to move in and help out. I think you are being truthful and realistic about caring for your mom , not everyone can do it especially alone. Explain this to your sisters and be firm about it. Don't they care about you? Loving families care about one another, and are there for one another especially in difficult times. Actions speak louder than words. I hope you have a resolution to this situation soon. Many blessing to you!

I would tell them to come and get her or else to shut their mouths. Do you normally live in ST. Louis. Wherever you live, I would start looking for a nursing home. Now, if she has her own home, she would have to sell it and pay for it herself until her money ran out. Or you could sell her home if she has one and live in an apartment and pay someone to take care of her. If she is just living on social security they will pay someone to come out a few hours a week. I think 15 hours. Do you have Power of attorney because you need that to handle her affairs. As for your siblings, tell them to take her or shut the heck up. It is easy for them to say something since they don’t do anything. Block your sister’s on your phone after you tell them how it is going to be.

Have they been helping? If not they need to step up, their turn at bat

Lolli5 You have four sisters and they get upset about your decision? Well, IMHO they all realize that their world is falling apart as their one sister who gave up everything to care for Mother, has decided to stop doing it. They want you to feel guilty as I believe that none of them are willing to step up and take over. Oh my! Their life would be disrupted!!!
Good for you having made this decision. BUT, let them not change your mind! If they do not help you find a solution, in either taking over, or placing Mother in a home, please walk away from the situation so that they HAVE to do SOMETHING.
I'm sorry, the above may be blunt writing, but sometimes this is what we have to do to make things move into another direction.
Good luck and God bless.

I am so sorry that your selfish sisters are treating you this way. Both of my siblings and I live within 20 minutes of my mom but it seemed like I was the one who was rescheduling clients at the last minute to meet mom at the ER, dr appts etc. I tried to be nice in asking them to take some of the responsibility but I can tell you “nice” doesn’t get the point across. After I had spent 6 hrs the previous day with mom at her cardiologist for tests I’d had enough. I told both of my siblings that they had 3 choices and that was it. 1. My mother is their mother too so they need to step up and help out. 2. I will quit my job but they will have to replace my income with what I am earning (hairdresser) which was a very good income or 3. I go back to full time work and then we’re all screwed! I gave them 3 days to think about what they were going to do and I didn’t back down.

My sister replied “I told you I would run errands for you.” I appreciated that but I do all banking, insurance, dr appts, transport mom to dialysis 4 days per week all while trying to work and have some sort of life. I don’t need errands run, I need someone to sit in the drs office for 6 hrs with mom like I had done the day before, that’s what I need!

Funny when I put my my foot down they stepped up to the plate. I no longer “ask” if they can take her where she needs to go. I tell them I need them to do whatever needs to be done and if they can’t its their responsibility to figure out how the job is going to get done. They both have grown children that don’t work that can help out so it shouldn’t be a problem.

i don’t feel guilty one bit. I had to do this for my health, sanity and bank account and put myself first. All 3 of us love my mother and would never let her suffer in any way but it wasn’t fair that I was the one suffering.

You need to be assertive and put yourself first. Go to the dr to see if your depressed and get into some counseling too. It’s not ok that your health and mental wellbeing has suffered. They didn’t care or they would have stepped up to care for your mom to give you a break. Your sisters are mad because they were living their lives knowing you had taken on all the responsibility of your mother without them lifting a finger. Stop arguing with them over this. Give them a date you’re moving and stick with it. Let them figure out moms care, I’m sure they have transportation, a phone and the internet so tell them to get to it because you’re done.

Good luck and remember you first!

Your sisters are projecting their guilt onto you. Don't own it! You have taken care of Mom and done your best. You realize that this level of care is beyond your abilities.
You have responsibilities to maintain your won health. Asking somebody to "give up" their immediate family is harsh.

Talk to your Mom's doctor or local hospital for advice on options. They will probably give you a list of local agencies, churches... that provide services.

Make a list of what kinds of help your mother needs - be detailed. Sometimes keeping a log for a week of all the things you do for her helps.

If mom can't live alone and nobody else lives nearby to provide this care, then the time has come to talk about other living arrangements: live-in caregiver (expensive), round the clock rotating health care aides (expensive), move in with family, adult day programs and sitters in the evenings, assisted living/residential facility (can be expensive)…

Do your research and ask family to help with this. Schedule a family conference to line out options and give everybody a chance to explain how he/she will help. Make ground rules that no one can tell another what he/she is supposed to do. If you are at an impasse, consider having a family counsellor mediate the meeting.

Question: Who has the power of attorney? If it's hard to get agreement then this person makes decisions.

Everyone is being very kind in suggesting you keep your sisters involved in the decisions. I would like to first suggest that you have someone else look over the texts you’ve received to see if they feel the same guilt and hatefulness that you do. Text messages are easily misread and we often put our on emotions into the meaning. The best way to clarify everything would be to have a conference call or speak in person, but sometimes that’s not possible
If there is no doubt that your sisters are truly being mean and vindictive, BLOCK THEM. You don’t have to accept what they’re saying. You don’t have to listen to them act like adolescents. If you have POA or can convince your mom to go to an assisted living facility, please do so. There are places that are really quite nice.
And PLEASE take care of YOURSELF. You deserve it.

Hi Lolli,

I hope it helps you to understand that in making this decision, you have removed the "emotional comfort zone" your in-home care of your mother provided family members, who are unable (for whatever reason) to be more involved in your mom's care. They are merely projecting their own guilt and fear onto you, rather than acknowledge their own inability to take over. I do not judge them--not everyone can be a caregiver. I moved my mom withAlzheimer's in with me for a year and then had to place her in a residential facility because I recognized both my physical and emotional limits in being able to care for her. It was not easy, it was painful and the guilt overwhelming. But even with that, I knew I was making the right decision for her and myself. You would think this situation would make family come together but once one person has stepped up and relieved others from their discomfort, they don't appreciate it when your decision forces them to face the reality of the situation. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. Just look for support elsewhere. I talked to supportive friends, and joined a support group. I would like to say that once your family sees your mom is being well taken care of, they will feel alright about your decision, but I can't guarantee that. Caregiving can be a lonely road but there is support out there. It just doesn't always come from the people you've known all your life.
God Bless!

Mom is not your sole responsibility. Sisters can share the load physically - you stay these month, you stay those months and you stay those months - if viable - Otherwise if Mom cannot afford private in home care - (don't save an inheritance for your sisters - the one (s) who do the least are always first in line for inheritance (been there done that - my Mom caring for disable brother - other siblings got "their" part even though Mom did all caregiving for mentally disabled brother and cost me over $100000 travelling to see her because "she couldn't leave him). Time for all to get together and Find a place for Mom. If they won't assist do it yourself and act as if they are sharing the load by visiting, etc. 1/5 of the time as if they were helping.

I am so sorry for what is being placed on you. YOU must put yourself first and take care of yourself first no matter what anyone else does. The fact that you have tried to do what you did for eight months was wonderful but it is slowly destroying you and YOU do NOT DESERVE THAT. It is all falling on you and doing great harm to you and you cannot allow that to continue. Remember too, she lived her life and when the impact of someone with physical and mental behaviors is causing harm and havoc to the caretakers and their families, it is time to STOP. You cannot continue and must not. YOU must be strong and make arrangements to place her at once before you go down and can't get up again. Please understand there are times and situations in life where you simply cannot, for valid reasons, be a caretaker. This is such a case. And, be strong because if your family won't support you - or help - than YOU must be strong and do what you have to do. And sometimes in life we must accept that no matter what we do, right or wrong, it will always cause problems with families and friends. Then, hard as it might be - and it is not easy - get up, walk away and never look back. It will be very difficult for a while but one day you will wake up and realize it was the only and best thing you could ever do - then you will have peace and a new happier life. I know - it happened to me - did that, hard as hell, but I moved on - best decision I ever made in my life. So be strong, place her and go seek your peace. YOU ARE A SAINT.

Tell them you are sorry but you have to think of your health and family and so one of them can take the next turn. Or have a family conference on what the next move is with mom's care. That is shameful of them and I wouldn't play into their guilt game. If they thought taking care of mom was such a great deal, they'd be there to relieve you in a New York minute. But since they aren't, then you know where they stand. They don't get to decide how you live your life...you do! Be strong, we're here for you.

I see that a lot of people are giving you sound advice, I have to say I've been in a similar boat with my sister who has not seen mom in about a year. The only real emotional and physical support I have had is from my wonderful husband who continually guides me and is such a caring man. My sister is who she is, and I am still learning to accept it. Because anger just hurts me, not her.

The other support I got was from COA -- Council on Aging -- and a great gerontologist and his social worker. They know how to advise you and can help you find placement for your mother. An elder attorney is also a great idea -- either back home, if you can relocate mom, or where she is now.

Because you need a plan for your mother; please don't just walk away, although you may need to continue to tell your horrible sisters you are going to. What can you stand? What do you need? Do you need money? Does your mother? Do you need respite? What can you demand? What is reasonable and compassionate for you AND your mom? And, for those HSs. Think carefully, come up with a plan that extricates you, and follow it!

I have a mantra, well several of them, actually, but I often tell myself to Be Brave and Be Kind. Oh, and then there's "Make a Plan."

1 - your sisters are trying to guilt you into continuing caring for her so THEY WON'T HAVE TO DO IT - if you cave then you will continue getting sick

2 - tell them that the only person who can criticize you is the one who has done 6 months or more of care for your mom otherwise they need to shut their yappers

3 - your sisters are the ones who are being selfish not you - you have done your time in the trenches so it is time for someone else to step up to the plate

4 - your widowhood doesn't come into it because they think you are 'free to help' rather you have more personal trials than they have to deal with - gone is the time when a single woman was fodder for the family to throw all the crappy jobs at

5 - you deserve to see your kids & grandkids just like your sisters do & I'll bet all you have seen them in 8 months is some pix

6 - do not ask permission from them because that means that they have the upper hand rather call & book your flight then inform them the date you are leaving so that THEY can make appropriate arrangement & then do it - I'd give them at least a week but no more than 2 weeks - write out an information booklet on the 'CARE & FEEDING OF MOM' for them to use

7 - don't be surprized if your mom is either moved close to one of them and/or goes into a home within a short while - congrats for being the first sister to step up & help your mom now is the time to pass the batton to another sister

Do any of the sisters live near mom? Do they live near St Louis? Perhaps it is time to relocate mom closer to St Louis so you can be near your family otherwise you will be stuck in Phoenix for a very long time.

When you get a guilt trip message, flip it back using their own words. Call a family meeting on the best way to get her closer to everyone so that everyone can help. If everyone spread out to far, then get her moved closer to your own family and tell them in order to keep her in your home you need commitment of $ to pay for in home care X days of the week (if it's not possible with her income). If she has income to pay for care, use it several times a week to help yourself.

Tall them Dr. orders & your family's insistence. Tell them it's THEIR turn now - To help in person or a financially or to coordinate help. You had your turn and you're passing the Baton to them. Ignore their text and you can block them if you wish. Please don't feel guilty

Isn't it amazing how people will try to guilt others do the things they won't?
You do not say where your sisters live, what your moms situation and needs are, or who has POA, but generally speaking, you can place your mom in a senior living facility in Phoenix, or you could move her to one near St. Louis. It is not fair for you to take on this burden by yourself, but if your sisters won't help, then you have to deal with that reality. If you want to go home. then perhaps the best thing is to move your mom. When my parents could no longer take care of themselves at home, I told them that I would find them a place near me (coincidentally, it was Phoenix). But when I relocated to Tucson, and got a call at 2 am to come pick my mom up from the hospital, I told them they would have to move closer to me if they wanted my help. They did not having to move to AZ from San Diego, but the reality was if they wanted my help. That was what they had to do.
I suggest you check out senior facilities in St Louis before moving your mom, and have everything in place for her when she arrives.

Who is going to take care of you when all this stress and responsibility takes it toll?
You have to know when to disengage, it is no abandonment, find a safe place for her and stay in close touch as her advocate.
It’s too bad the elderly don’t plan for their senior years, it should be done long before with all members of family present.
Our homes , and life style are not what they were 50 years ago, most are couples who both work, homes are smaller, some still have teenagers at home that require supervision and direction.
Mom and Dad give your children a break, make your arrangements before the situation arrives.