I have caused a huge family upset by letting them know I can no longer care for my mother. How do I deal with this?

Good for you to recognize your limits and set boundaries.

What do you do? You hold firm to your boundaries. Your sisters can fuss and complain as much as they like, learn to ignore it and go back to your life.

Lolli5, hold your ground, do not let your sister throw that guilt blanket over you.

Who is being selfish are your sisters, thinking because you are a widow that you have all the time in the world to take care of Mom. That is so unfair. Glad you are backing off from hands-on care, I see from your profile that your Mom has Alzheimer's/Dementia along with other major health issues. Up to 40% of family caregivers have died leaving behind the love one they were caring. Those are not good odds.

It is time for your sisters to step up to the plate, and if they cannot do so [not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver, I wasn't], then other arrangements need to be made for the caring of your mother. Such as hiring caregivers, or moving mother to an Assisted Living/Memory Care facility.

So stand firm, keep coming back to the forum as we all have your back :)

So sorry you're dealing with all this. Caregiving is SO draining. I just can't say this enough to everyone - protect your health and sanity!! Period. My mom died last March and I am only now starting to feel less like a quivering Chihuahua dog from the stress. In retrospect I would have backed way off and let caretakers do their thing. Ignore anyone who doesn't get it. Do what you need to to settle your mom and take time to do some healing for yourself. We all need it when we are in it and recovering.
WE get it and support you. Best wishes.

Lolli5, I want to pick my words very carefully, here, but please bear with me if I tread on a corn.

[thinking]

Okay. How does it come about that your four sisters volunteer you for this role, which takes you far from your children and grandchildren, and you somehow think "oh, okay, I'll do my best" and make yourself ill in the attempt and then you STILL feel guilty when these four harpies try to tear you to pieces for calling enough?

This sounds to me as if it must be the habit of a lifetime. The reason it matters is that if we offer advice, it's got to be advice that can be used by a person who - on some level - is scared stiff of the people she's being encouraged to defy/confront/tell to [rude word] off.

And meanwhile, what - apart from saying "ha, it's okay, we'll dump it all on Lolli, whatever" - has been done to assess your mother's care needs and develop the right plan for her?

Do you have support from anyone at all?

@Lolli5, I'm so sorry that caring for your mother has taken its toll. Caregiving seems to put so many people through the ringer. Your sisters either don't understand or are (very likely) more concerned that your mother's care not fall to them, so I agree with the above advice to ignore them and see to your own well-being.

Holding firm will require inner strength, which I'll bet you have! You've already taken that difficult first step in telling your sisters that you can't do this any longer.

I hope you will stick to your guns. Become a broken record: "I can't provide Mom with the care she needs anymore." No apologies. No long explanations they can pick apart with arguments. They may even change tactics and offer some help if you will only stay. Be careful.

If they persist in sending you unkind messages, consider informing them that unless they can be helpful rather than hurtful, you will no longer read their messages. You may even block them for a time.

Have you thought about where you would like your mother to live (in Phoenix or at a facility in MO)?

My goodness - Good for you in realizing the toll this was taking on you and putting your health first. So sorry you have been through the wringer!!

My very first thought, as other have said, is that your sisters are guilting you because they don't want to take on the responsibility. You do not owe your life and your health to anyone -- they can be mad, but at least you will be alive to hear them be mad.

Keep coming back here to vent, or get some encouragement that you are not being selfish, you are doing the right thing!!

Ditto to all comments below! You continuing as caregiver is absolutely not an option going forward. So let's get on with practical stuff: Who has Durable Power of Attorney? When communicating to sisters, I suggest presenting an exit plan that doesn't include you but does provide good care for your mom. It could be many options, like: Sister 1 leaves everything and provides 24/7 care for X weeks until permanent plan is agreed upon, Sister 2, Sister 4, etc etc. They likely won't like that option. Price out in-home care (if your mom has the means); and facility LTC (include the prices). If your mom doesn't have the means, then Medicaid will need to be considered. You inadvertently freaked out the sisters because they are clueless but you are the only one who has a grasp of what your mom really needs, so do the homework and put it onto their plates to decide. Remember: you doing it NOT AN OPTION. Just keep saying it with a "sorry I just can't" smile and make no excuses that they can keep attacking. I learned that from my Southern Belle auntie and it works really well.

You made your decision. You made it for extremely valid reasons. No need to change your mind. Not that you are interested in changing your mind. Your siblings want you to change your mind. Too bad for them. Don’t back down. You absolutely made the right choice. Planning is in order to care for your mom, then your job as caregiver is over. You can go back to being her daughter. Take care. Many hugs!

Lolli, the previous posters are correct -- you have every right to stop being a slave to your mother's care. We've got your back. Please keep coming back here for support and to update us.

Who has POA/HCPOA for your mother? What are her finances like? Does she live in her own house or rent an apartment? Does she have the funds for a facility? Of course there will be work to do to get her into a facility, sell the house, qualify her for Medicaid if she is low-income and has few assets, etc. But do NOT let that stop you from moving out!

This is NOT solely YOUR responsibility, so don't let your sisters tell you it is.

One of my friends became widowed, and her siblings told her she had to move in with their mother. So she did. She's now over 70 herself, and her mother is close to 95. The mother fell, was hospitalized, rehab, etc. and it was determined that she couldn't be alone. So a brother was watching her during the day while my friend worked. She had to quit her weekend job at a bookstore (which she loved). She is afraid that she will soon be told to quit her M-F job to look after the mother. The mother refuses to have help come in.

I wish my friend would refuse to be her mother's slave. But she's been enslaved for years now. You've only been doing caregiving for 8 months. Break away!

A huge family upset? Why you NAUGHTY girl you!
Honey, the best thing to do here is just accept what they are saying and AGREE with them. They are bullying you and they are terrified and don't know what to do. They thought this was off them and on you. Here is what you can do. Tell them that you are FULLY AWARE of your own inadequacies, and agree with them that you are wanting in every way possible, but that the facts are the facts, and you are. Do not discuss "reasons" with them. Simply say you are "mentally and physically unable to do this and are so sorry you don't wish to discuss why with them, as that could lead to argument". Offer to bring your Mom to whichever sister feels she is less selfish and more capable now to care for her. Ask them to get together with you now to decide how to move forward for Mom. I hope that you do not have POA. But if you do, I would relinquish it to whichever sister wants to assume the duty (it isn't easy, as I am doing it). They hope to beat you back, and wear you down with argument and accusation. Just tell them that there is simply nothing they can say to you to make you feel more bad about your own inadequacies at this time than you already do. That later you will cry and weep and go to church about what a truly AWFUL person you are, but right now they have to join with you to get Mom in care. That is whether she has the funds for it or does not. Does she have a home? Are they hoping to preserve that asset so they can both do nothing and inherit? If she has assets they should now be liquidated for her care. You feel guilty? GOOD! That means you are a good a decent person. Those out there bullying you? Well, I understand they are terrified, but I have little sympathy with them; they should be standing WITH you and not against. You feel bad about yourself? Join hands with me and then we will have TWO flaw, inadequate, hopeless, confused and terrified standing together. Welcome to the club. When you find the perfect sister out there pin a medal right onto her chest. She will deserve it. PLEASE be GOOD to yourself. PLEASE recognize that you are a decent person in trying times. Not everything has a happy answer. The end of life is trying and gruesome and full of loss and terror. You are in good company here. How close are the sisters? In miles? Which wants to take care of Mom now? In her home? Time to get down to the nitty gritty and do the work. If they abandon you come back and we can all go from there as to next steps getting social services and placement help.

You are not the one who needs to "deal". Your family members are the ones who need to "deal". They are the ones being selfish and they have zero right to blast you. Block them. Ignore them. Do not answer their calls. They owe you an apology!

You have a good excuse, its effecting your health. Can't they see you've lost 25 lbs. Don't be "iffy" about it. Give them a date. I will be going home on 00/00/00. The sisters need to get something in place by then. Either caregivers or Mom in an AL or NH. If they don't, you will call APS and tell them there is a vulnerable Senior and u will give the caseworker all their phone #s.

This reminds me of stay at home Moms that get taken advantage of by working mothers that feel the stay at home Mom has all kinds of time. Happens when ur retired too. Well guess what, I no longer volunteer for anything. If I am asked is one thing. I also don't commit to anything. I found I was not a caretaker 24/7. So I placed Mom in an AL right up the street. My brothers didn't volunteer so I did what was best for me.

I have a feeling that sisters maybe trying to protect any assets that Mom has and your free labor. How ever they look at it tell them u have done ur time without their help, now its their time. And whoever is POA needs to make decisions. Me personally, would not care for anyone unless I had both financial and medical POA.

Really, the unmitigated gall of those siblings who are contributing nothing to try to guilt and shame another sibling for being unable to continue doing everyone's share indefinitely. I went through the same thing when I decided to cut back my level of involvement with Mom after several years of being "it".

The siblings thought you had it covered, permanently. They thought they were off the hook. Now they have to make a hard choice - either step up and help, or be on record as the slouches and slackers they are. As long as you are doing it, they can share the credit and feel virtuous as well. Mom is being cared for at home. She isn't being warehoused, abandoned to a nursing home. Everyone can feel good about that, as long as somebody else is doing all the work to make that possible.

Of course, they should be ashamed of themselves, instead of trying to shame you. Stick to your guns. She's their mother too.

Your sisters should be ashamed and embarrassed for their behavior. You did the best you could, it is not working and it is costing you to much with your health and heart.

Has mom got enough money to pay for a facility or have you checked into ALTCS? You are fortunate that she lives in Phoenix, you literally have thousands of choices for her care.

I would contact the Maricopa county council on aging and tell them that you need help planning your moms care. They will guide you.

I would send each of those sisters a text and tell them that they don't have a say, only boots on the ground caregiver gets to make decisions and they can support you in getting mom the best facility placement possible or they can leave you alone. Those are the only 2 options available to them, if they don't stop being hateful bullies then block their numbers.

I hope you are feeling better and that you can be home with your family soon. Hugs!

You did the right thing. Now stay calm, cuz we aren't responsible for our nasty family members. (God loves you & knows you did a great job) caring for your mom all those months. Your siblings may never change, but you did your part...so hold your head☝up! It will get better friend. Hugs 2 u from us all!

I never had to deal with any family members while caring for DW,Luz. But I know the physical and mental stress relatged to doing what you are doing for Mom.
I had reached that point myself with the physical part. My back was strting to really hurt from lifting her, etc. Mentally I was getting weak and needed help.
Unfortunately she took a turn and I lost her.
You family, in my opinion, do not deserve to be called family. If they cannot spend a month caring for Mom, then they need to butt out.
Do what your think and feel is right. If they don't like it tell them what my Dad would say. "You can kiss my stacking swivel".
Both you and Mom will reap the rewards for your decision.
God Bless you both.

Good for you Lolli!

Some it takes much longer to realise it is too much to manage alone! I cared for mom for four years, twisted sissies made it emotionally very difficult. Mom was the easy part of the whole equation. If mom had been able to understand what was occurring between me and twisted, she would have disowned them. It was all so cruel to me, I developed a very thick skin. What twisteds did not understand was that their behavior impacted mom much more than it did me. I could see and understand what they were doing, mom couldn't.

Sad, isn't it when siblings actually prefer their denial than to face mom's needs. They just do not get it unless they are willing to provide some of their time to benefit your mom and you by helping you to have some me time.

Do what you need for YOU!

We all (including you!) agree that this can’t go on. If you had any doubts about whether you are ‘selfish’, the answers so far ought to have reassured you. So, the real question is how to handle the sisters. It sounds as though both explaining and asking for some understanding hasn’t worked and is not going to work. It also sounds as though you aren’t ready just to walk out – it’s too hard on mother. So you need a catastrophe that means you are not responsible for the decision to leave, but you have to leave within a month. Cancer (and let’s hope it isn’t true), house in St Louis developing serious structural problem (unfortunately not easy to spot), any other illness you can fake – perhaps get your leg put in a cast. Give the sisters a couple of care options for mother that you think would be OK, and say that you are very sorry, but they will have to choose and organise it. Otherwise you will have to bring mother to one of them and leave her there. Nominate one of them, so she will pick up the tab for the fight with the others. Sit back, block your ears to the next ‘huge family upset’, and get ready to do it. Best wishes, and good luck!

Tell them to come and get her

Oh no....PLEASE recognize the fact that you are not the selfish one here, and don't be guilted by their texts.....they simply don't want to share in any of the responsibility caring for mom. You did your best.......nothing more should be expected of you. Not to mention how difficult is is to leave your own family to do what is an extremely difficult job. The sisters need to step up, and if they are unwilling or unable to do their part, then an AL or MC facility is your only option. With your mom's medical limitations placement will not be an issue. Does anyone have POA? Depending on finances or whether mom qualifies for Medicaid should be looked into asap. Sisters can take turns caring for mom until transfer is complete.....and you need to go home to the support and love from your family and heal both physically and emotionally. Please keep us posted.

So now, after 8 months, you are the expert on what it takes to be mom’s caretaker. There is a period after that sentence, not a question mark.

The sisters, not having done the job, don’t have a clue of what it takes. That’s obvious by their attitudes.

This forum is for caregivers. You are surrounded on this site by people who have walked the walk. Not everyone understands what that takes. Your sisters don’t. But you do and we do.

Many of us have learned the hard way, by overextending our resources, our health, our immediate families, our own futures and retirement and any relationship we hope to have with our siblings. It’s like quicksand. You take a step in the wrong direction and you are sucked in never to be seen again.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

You aren’t trying to tell your sisters what to do (I hope). You are just telling them, letting them know, that you can no longer serve. Don’t make excuses. You’ve already given more than they have. It doesn’t matter how many husbands they have.

You don’t owe them and even if they have been carrying the burden for years, while you were off in St Louis, that doesn’t make you the caretaker against your will.

So, perhaps your relationship will mend with the sisters, or not, you can’t worry about that now. You will never get those eight months back but you can hold your head up that you did what you could.

Where are you in the process of going home? What is your next step? Give us some feedback and we will try to help.

Lolli,
Any update for us. Thinking of you. Likely that is just because I am so INTO mean, selfish, shameful folks who are skinny. Hope you are taking care and drawing the line with the sisters.

It takes ENORMOUS COURAGE to take on the task of caregiver, and it takes ENORMOUS STRENGTH to assess your capacity for self preservation and decision making to become aware that you have exhausted your reserves and need to seek new solution(s) for meeting the needs of your mom.

That you have taken steps to do this and have been criticized for your efforts does NOT reflect on who you are or what you have already done and continue to do.

What anyone, even family members says about you cannot change who you know you are.

Let them know you are looking forward to hearing their ideas, invite them to come to demonstrate such good ideas, and tell them that while they’re there to demonstrate, you’ll be taking some hard earned vacation time and looking through some recommended residential care sites while they take care of Mom.

I have an enemy in my camp too, and we were raised as siblings. Harder by far than doing the caregiving on my own, but if it’s the best I can do to provide the best care for LO, you and I can grow a tough skin and do it.

Lolli,

Isn’t blocking a great feature? Good for you!

For sure you are not selfish.  Your sisters are abusing you. Your health is very seriously at risk.  Wise of you to recognize that and make necessary changes.  Necessary not because of failure on your part, but because realistically this is what needs to be done, for your mother's sake, as well as for yours.  Your sisters don't want to do what they should be doing in this situation. Since they don't carry the load, they get no vote. And keep in mind, just because someone says something, does not make it true.

If you can't do it, you can't. That's that. It is only going to get worse. Much worse. My mom has end-stage Alzheimer's disease, bedridden, feeding tube, and I am here by myself caring for her and it's very back breaking. I have to employ a Hoyer lift to get her to the living room, and same lift to get her back to bed. Tons of diapers, gloves, disposable chucks, cleaning wipes, rinseless soaps..those alone cost about $100 to $150 a month. With reusable bed protectors as well, I have to wash and dry DAILY and that's just one elder adult. The trash gets full of diapers and wipes very quickly. It's a nightmare. I have to keep the house cool for her comfort so my electric bill is quite high.

You need to organize putting your mom in a home. If she is not on Medicaid you need to see an eldercare attorney to get her prepared for that and be mindful of all the laws such as the 5 year look-back law.

I am so sorry this is happening. It’s a type of manipulation to get you to continue to care for her because frankly they do not want to.

How to deal with it? You are doing what’s best for you and your mom! Find out which sister wants to come and take her home with them!

If you have the legal control over your mom, then place her in a nursing facility where they can provide adequate care for her. You visiting often will be helpful. If you don’t have legal control, then ask whoever does to please come and take care of all the legistics.

It’s time to pass the baton.

Madisella123 is correct - they are trying to manipulate you. Tell your sisters that THEY can care for your mother if they are going to be so critical of you.

You must preserve your own health. Please put your mother in a nursing home. You are NOT being selfish. You are doing what is best for both yourself and your mother.

Think of it this way: if you don't take care of yourself, you will have NOTHING to give to others, including your immediate and extended family. You've had your turn - now it's up to them.

Your an angel, You have done all you possibly can, Who is NOW looking after your well being? Your Blister Sisters? make a Game Plan for the Best Care now for Mom and Live your life Guilt Free.