Should I send her money to help with the care of our mother? During this Covid-19 pandemic, I'm not able to help out. What would you suggest and how much? My mother is handicapped and can't do anything for herself.
Great idea! Find a way to pay for a break or vacation for the sister - a trip and someone to stay 24/7 while she's gone. Is there any relative or someone you know who could fill that gap?
If my siblings just sent cash it wouldn't help me much. What I need is breaks, on regular basis, throughout the year. I'm worn out. You're a great sister
What a good family! Respite sounds like a great idea as others have suggested. But I want to share what a group of old friends have done for their long time friend who has been caring for her husband and has not been able to contribute to any retirement or keep up with her home. They all contributed to a savings account for her, and have continued to contribute something every year. One friend recently sent a repairman over to fix much needed home repairs. Another paid for some car maintenance. Another paid for a consultation with an elder care attorney. These are extraordinary friends as you can see. I thought I would share what some of them have done to help their friend.
That’s really kind of you. Who wouldn’t feel appreciated to receive an acknowledgement and money for your mom’s needs from time to time? I don’t send my sister $ for the care of my mom, only because my sister lives in my mom’s home rent free and has access to free car, insurance and check book to purchase weekly food and utilities, etc. My mother has the monies she needs. My sister has a 2dary caregiver from time to time so sister can get out of town, take a vacation. The $1,000 it takes for 1 week of respite care pay for 2ndary caregiver comes out of my mother’s account. I encourage my sister to do this. Fortunately, my mother loves the respite care caregiver and is always happy when she comes to stay. If my mom didn’t have her own funds, I would definitely send my sister financial help.
I'd suggest send as much as you're able to and it's nice of you to think about your sister. It shows that you are grateful to her for not putting the burden of your mother's care on you.
I just want to know if your mother is paying your sister anything? And to be honest if I was you, I would ask your sister what she wants. She might want respite instead of money. And if your mother isn’t paying her, it would be great if you advocated for your sister there—your mother if she has an income, should be paying her way.
As a sole caregiver of my father, the best gift would be giving the caregiver a week off. If you are unable to fill in during this time, paying a company or sitter would be an incredible gift.
Just an addition to my previous post. My brother is not hands on with my mother but he helps in other ways. He pays the expenses for the outside work. He will pay for dinner to give me a break from cooking. It is a good feeling to have such support.
“My mother is handicapped and can't do anything for herself.”
I don’t have enough information to know how large a toll this takes on your sister or her personal life. I would send her AT LEAST what it would have cost you to visit ever how often you would have pre pandemic. Especially if you haven’t been affected financially and your visits were help your sister counted on. Having said that, your sister should be being paid by your mother and perhaps she is being. If not, you need to encourage that. Respectfully, it would be a burden to me personally if I were asked to name an amount you should give. My DH brother recently sent a card expressing his gratitude that DH and I were taking such good care of their aunt. I appreciated the card. It was better than a poke in the eye which is about what I get from some of her other nieces and nephews. Let me rush to say, I would be doing what I do regardless. I certainly never expected anything from any of them. I remember my mom getting gifts from her siblings when she cared for her mom. My mom would acknowledge the gift but it annoyed my dad that they seemed to think the gifts were in any way sufficient to compensate my mother for what she was dealing with. So, yes. I’m glad you realize that it is a terrible imposition to have a handicapped loved one to care for regardless of how much you personally care for that loved one. Send money and encourage your sister to hire help even if it’s a one time spend to give her a break.
Does your mother, who is in the care of your sister and I would assume has few costs of her own, have funds she can use to pay the Sister. If so, she could contract with the Sister for payment on a monthly basis for room, board and care. This would not count against her in a medicaid lookback were she to need to apply for medicaid help, in that case, and your sister would claim this with the IRS as income. I would caution you to take care in deciding what you yourself spend when really it could be time for you to save for your own future care needs. Does your sister live in your Mother's home, or is the opposite the case. Has your sister expressed that things are tight for her in terms of financial needs? Would she be able to hire in more care were she to have more funds to do so? It is a lot to think about. Have you been able to sit with your sister and discuss all this. It is wonderful that you want to help, and I am certain it is difficult to see have take on all the care, and to be so far away.
As someone that is in the reverse situation to yours (I am sole caregiver, sister lives out of state), I can emphatically say YES. If you are financially able to, please do. And if you are able to send a little something specifically for your sister's use for her own wellbeing, that is something that would mean a lot.
I think it would be wonderful to help your sister out financially with the care of your mother. I would discuss the amount with your sister. Good luck.
While money is nice to assist with care, my hope (as a primary caregiver) is that you’re offering your sister emotional support. Be a listening ear and be ready to be vented to at times. I have called my out of state sister to complain at her from time to time and she patiently listens. I don’t need anything solved I just want to blow off a little steam. I’m super grateful she understands too! She never takes it personally or anything like that. I’ve made it clear to her though I just needed to get some things off my chest. Caregiving is hard emotionally, spiritually, and physically. And until you’ve walked a mile in the shoes of a caregiver you maybe won’t understand everything but be patient with your sis and don’t try to offer solutions when she calls to cry or fuss. Just listen. That’s all we ask💗
I so agree! It was worth more than money to me to be able to vent to my sister, without her making helpful "suggestions ". There is great comfort in just being listened to without being judged.
Tell her how much you appreciate what she's doing, and ask her to suggest a sum. I think money she can choose how to spend, is much more sensible than guessing a 'gift' that may be useless.
If my siblings just sent cash it wouldn't help me much. What I need is breaks, on regular basis, throughout the year. I'm worn out. You're a great sister
I don’t send my sister $ for the care of my mom, only because my sister lives in my mom’s home rent free and has access to free car, insurance and check book to purchase weekly food and utilities, etc. My mother has the monies she needs. My sister has a 2dary caregiver from time to time so sister can get out of town, take a vacation. The $1,000 it takes for 1 week of respite care pay for 2ndary caregiver comes out of my mother’s account. I encourage my sister to do this. Fortunately, my mother loves the respite care caregiver and is always happy when she comes to stay.
If my mom didn’t have her own funds, I would definitely send my sister financial help.
I don’t have enough information to know how large a toll this takes on your sister or her personal life.
I would send her AT LEAST what it would have cost you to visit ever how often you would have pre pandemic. Especially if you haven’t been affected financially and your visits were help your sister counted on. Having said that, your sister should be being paid by your mother and perhaps she is being. If not, you need to encourage that.
Respectfully, it would be a burden to me personally if I were asked to name an amount you should give.
My DH brother recently sent a card expressing his gratitude that DH and I were taking such good care of their aunt. I appreciated the card. It was better than a poke in the eye which is about what I get from some of her other nieces and nephews. Let me rush to say, I would be doing what I do regardless. I certainly never expected anything from any of them.
I remember my mom getting gifts from her siblings when she cared for her mom. My mom would acknowledge the gift but it annoyed my dad that they seemed to think the gifts were in any way sufficient to compensate my mother for what she was dealing with.
So, yes. I’m glad you realize that it is a terrible imposition to have a handicapped loved one to care for regardless of how much you personally care for that loved one.
Send money and encourage your sister to hire help even if it’s a one time spend to give her a break.
Has your sister expressed that things are tight for her in terms of financial needs? Would she be able to hire in more care were she to have more funds to do so? It is a lot to think about. Have you been able to sit with your sister and discuss all this. It is wonderful that you want to help, and I am certain it is difficult to see have take on all the care, and to be so far away.
There is great comfort in just being listened to without being judged.
Sending a gift is always a lovely idea.
Others may disagree, but I see payment for care & a gift as two separate things.
Ask your sister what she needs at this time. Mention that you are very appreciative of her caregiving to your mom.