Should I send her money to help with the care of our mother? During this Covid-19 pandemic, I'm not able to help out. What would you suggest and how much? My mother is handicapped and can't do anything for herself.
Offer both money and help. The suggestions have been good, and making specific offers might help your sister see options that she's too overwhelmed to think about in the moment. I have one suggestion that's not really in here yet: set up a Trello account shared with your sister where you can keep track of tasks that need to be done. You will be surprised at the things you can help with from a distance once you know what's going on. Keeping a prescription list up to date and ready to print. Setting up prescription renewals by mail. Paying the utilities. Managing other finances, but make sure sis knows you want to help and are not accusing her of mismanagement. Setting up and managing Amazon subscriptions for adult incontinence products and household necessities. You can handle grocery delivery for them if she sends you the list - so she doesn't need to spend time texting answers to the shopper's questions. Arranging to have their taxes done. Negotiating problems with medical insurance and Medicare. Finding and making appointments with contractors for home repairs. My advice is to put all the specific tasks on Trello and figure it from there. Your sister is probably too tired to ask for help if all you offer is "is there anything I can do?" If you get specific and have that bulletin board space to put things, she can feel your involvement. If she's not tech-savvy enough for that, set it up yourself and choose all the tasks that a non-tech-savvy person will need help with. Tell her exactly what you think you could help with and how she would adjust it. Knowing that there is someone who knows what needs to be done and is partnering with you makes such a HUGE emotional difference.
Perhaps you could find a way to help her pay for groceries and/or take on the payment online of the utility bills and/or help with online housing payments. As elderly age their dietary needs can become more specific and it can cost money. I don't think theres a specific amount. I think it depends on your own finances. For the daughters who care for parents it tends to be, as st. Mother Teresa of Calcutta said, "give until it hurts." My experience with that is somehow it all comes back with blessings many times over.
Ask your sister how you can help. I was the in-town caregiver for my parents as they aged and declined, but I never felt alone. My sister did everything she could from 1800 miles away. She and I talked frequently and made decisions together. I was still working and she was working part time. She had more time than I did, so she called my parents more frequently and checked in with their caregivers. Whenever we needed to research care, doctors, care facilities, doctors, etc., she did that online and by phone. She also came on short notice when she was needed (i.e. when my mom was to be released from the hospital on my first day back at school (I was teaching) and she helped set up all the at-home care. I don’t know the specifics of your situation. Maybe some money would be helpful to hire extra help. In my situation, my sisters’ support as outlined above was more important. Good luck! It is hard to be the one caring for one’s parents, but it is also hard to be the one far away and feeling helpless.
I am my mothers caregiver and I would love if my out of state brother did something for me! I would love a break so money for respite care would be amazing!
If your sister need the money, send her money. If your mom has money, give sister your blessing to pay herself for caregiving. For example, your mom's funds help with rent/mortgage, utilities, etc. If money is not an issue, you could consider paying for someone to come into the home for a few hours a week so that your sister has some respite time. I'm sure that your sister would appreciate any gesture of help.
I have not read others answers, but I know the most wonderful loving gift would be to ask her what you could do to help and that you love her and want her to know that, being just a phone call away. My sister lived out of state and was not able to travel as I was our Moms caregiver. Knowing I could call her at anytime was such a great helpful gift, especially when Mom wouldn’t take her meds because she said I was trying to poison her. At that time she didn’t know who I was. My sister was able to calm her down, with convincing Mom I was helping and would not kill her. She was also a support to me, being she well understood Mother’s temperament. So miles between didn’t really matter, she was my right arm. Another thought might be to send her a special treat she would enjoy. Sweets, flowers, etc.
I have to give you major kudos for asking the question! So many siblings fail to be supportive to the main caregiver. It must be hard for both you and your sister that you cannot visit. This pandemic affects so much...
I agree with the previous answer that suggested asking your sister what would help. But I have a specific suggestion that she probably wouldn't mention unless you do. I would guess that she would think of asking for a break now and then during the week. But if she has been at it a long time, she may need more than that. She may need an offer to put her up in a hotel in a pretty area, and have your mother stay in an assisted living facility that offers respite care.
Is your sister eligible to receive Medicaid payments to family caregivers that are available in some states? If so, you could start by helping her with the paperwork for that. Talk to your sister and offer to help financially or otherwise (any way you can). Sometimes help is needed to find out about programs or services that are available. Your sister might need a break at times. If you can help by hiring an aide to come in to give your sister a break, it might help. But it is best to talk to your sister.
Thank you for posing this question. I care for my mom 24/7 and would love to have my sister from out of state offer to do anything. I agree with the other poster who suggested you ask her what she needs or would like.
I would,ask her what she needs. Self care for her is so important! I was my moms caregiver for 5 years. I'm 62 now. It was EXHAUSTING! Maybe offer to pay for a yoga studio, a "babysitter" get a food list and have delivery from a grocery store once a week. Anything to give your sister a break on a weekly basis.
Discuss this with your sister see what her needs are. If she says no thanks I got it maybe set up a savings program and when this is over gift it to your sister
1) Provide financial support, the amount to be determined by your respective financial positions, and perhaps enough to purchase respite care or other major benefit.
2) Provide a gift as a token of your appreciation--it should be thoughtful but not necessarily a major expense.
3) Provide emotional support--a shoulder to lean upon.
4) Offer to do "homework" such as internet research on subjects that would be of help--perhaps legal matters, sources of help, etc.
If your mother has plenty of money for her care and your sister isn't having to use her own money, then you should send your sister Cards, Flowers, Presents, Gift Cards for getting a Manicures and Pedicure, Massage, Out to Eat, ect. to show your appreciation.
If she is the sole provider for your mom where your mom lives with her , your sisters should have a day or two break once a week with a Caregiver coming in to relieve her. If your mom doesn't have the money in her funds to do that, then you should pay for a Caregiver at least one 24 hr period for your sister to have a break. It could be all day from 8 - 12 hrs a couple days a week or one 24 hr day, which ever your sister prefers.
Caregiving is very hard and your sister needs a day or two break during each week.
You should also plan a few days to a week, to come down and watch your mom so your sister can have a vacation.
Money is always nice but How about a local store that does meals that all you have to do is heat. A lot have individual meals or meals for the family. Ask if they can deliver. Find out from your sister when would be a good time and have a meal delivered. Or call a Pizza place you know they like and have a pizza delivered. All this would take a meal or two off your sisters agenda. Arrange to have a cleaning company come in once or better yet if you can afford it once a week but 2 times a month would probably be good. Is there a laundry service in the area that would pick up, clean, fold and drop off? And if there are agencies that are sending out caregivers how about paying for a caregiver 1 or 2 days a week. Even if it is for 4 hours. I have to tell you that when I had a caregiver come in for a few hours the first time I thought I had hit the lottery. I could get things done for myself that I had been putting off. You are awesome to think about this for her.
101% yes! It’s great that you recognize that everyone should help in some way. I would not only send her money but but a note thanking her for all she does. Little gestures go a long way. I would also set up if you can to have some food and groceries delivered. During COVID so many things are so much harder to do including shopping. If they feel comfortable and don’t already have arrange for a cleaning company to come in during the holidays again to give your sister a break and offer help since you can’t be there yourself
Of course you should !!!! caregiving is the hardest thing in world ... your sister dedicating so much of her life to this and you need to help out as much as you can. money is best way to help ... and she use it to complement your mother’s care .. to hire help so she can get some respite for herself. Too bad you can’t be there for your mother and sister ... but definitely help out with $$$ ... she’ll need lots more as things progress. Give as much as you can!!!! And of course continue to keep intouch and involved with FaceTime etc everyday !!! you’ll never be able to repay all your sister doing .
Here's another side. Many times I have seen one sibling give up their life for caregiving. They choose to leave their job, home, social life. Shutting out other help.
If other siblings disagree with this one person nursing home - why offer time or funds to enable it?
Just another view. Probably has zero relevance to the OP's situation here. Most would be super grateful they had a sibling who took on the role.
As an RN who has worked in home health and home hospice, I want to commend you for being sensitive to the burden your sister bears as caregiver. You are a wonderful sibling.
I agree with those who’ve suggested respite for your sister. The scenario I’ve seen most often over the years is one adult child bearing the brunt of the caregiving burden to their detriment. What these folks need most is a break, but very often they will not take it if there’s no one else to step in.
If you live too far away to step in yourself, what I’d suggest is asking your sister to locate someone (either private duty or through a personal care agency) she trusts to step in while she rests. And you can take care of the expense. If your sister is like most caregivers I’ve met, she’ll insist on staying at your mom’s side, but with someone else there to do the heavy lifting, it will still give her the freedom to meet her own needs when she desires. And maybe she’ll take some time to pursue some self care for herself.
Absolutely! Being a full time caregiver can be very overwhelming. My sister and I are going through it right now with our mom. We live in same area but not in our hometown. We take turns being with our mom, plus we have found some wonder fil private pay (meaning we pay them) caregivers to come in a few hours a day to help out.
I’d recommend that you send your sister money to help with your mom’s care or if your mom needs certain supplies like adult pull up diapers or creams or bandages I’d also offer to order those and send. Any support you can provide would most likely be welcomed. Also, make sure to call or FaceTime once a week or every few days to stay connected and keep the lines of communication open.
I’ve found that offering specific actionable things you can do like I’m sending you a care package of mom’s favorite food or I’m sending you money to use how you wish for mom’s care is better than saying let me know if you need anything.
Countless caring friends and relatives have said “let me know what I can do to help”....it is nice to hear but in reality it feels like just another decision on my growing to do list that I have to make. In my experience if you offer a specific action item it is more appreciated - for example I’m sending you a care package with these specific items or I’m sending you money to help with mom’s care or I’m sending a warm blanket or box of food or treats or gift cards or flowers or even sending prayers or a card is helpful.
Hope this helps and best of luck to your mom and sister and you as you navigate the ups and downs caregiving.
Is your mother Medicare eligible? If so, your sister can be paid as a caregiver. In New York Consumer Directed Personal Assistance Program ("CDPAP") - this program allows those eligible for medicaid to select, train and direct their own caregivers. The wonderful part about the program is that it allows the individual to hire family members and friends, thus eliminating potential stress from strangers at home as well as language barrier issues. This greatly benefits both parties. Your caregiver gets paid and you get the care and comfort you deserve, without having a stranger in your home.
Ask your sister what she needs help with: housekeeping, grocery delivery, gas for transportation... Those kinds of things can be arranged and you can pay for them to lighten her load.
Having little details, I would suggest maybe asking your sister what you can do to help. If your mother is paying for her care, she might not need the money, but could put it away for her own future. If mom isn't paying, she could probably use some.
I think being there for her is one thing to offer - as others noted, someone to act as a sound board. No judgments, no suggestions for how she can "do it better", etc. My brothers were NOT listeners and even would dump on me if I tried to express needing help. I'm done with one, soon to be done with the other. They've done little to help with anything. Mom is in MC and has funds to pay her way. I manage her finances, medications, care, etc. Before the virus and recent stroke, I took her to most of her appts too. No help from the two clowns.
Make sure you tell her how grateful you are that she takes care of your mother. Send thoughtful cards and notes often. I hear NOTHING from my brothers. One isn't local, so he's been out of the picture for over 2.5 years. For other personal reasons, I don't even contact him, except to let him know mom had a stroke a bit ago. Took 15 hrs to get back "Thanks for update." That was it. Acknowledge how hard it must be... it might sound trite, but I'd like to have something from my brothers. It's like she's already gone for them...
Ask if she can use money to help out and if so how much. It may be more than you can handle, but if it's needed, any amount would likely be appreciated.
There might be other ways you can help as well. Offer if you can a week or two of respite, when it is safe to do so - even if she doesn't go far or just kicks back while you are there, it's something! Offer to pay for someone to come in and give her a break. If she needs more help around the house, perhaps a cleaning service, laundry service, maintenance help, lawn care?
Perhaps you can take over ordering supplies she needs? At least non-perishables? Having these delivered and paid for would likely be much appreciated! It would also free her up from keeping track of all that and the time needed to buy or order it. I've had to stay on top of things mom needs and try to ensure I order them in time and deliver before they are needed (briefs, wipes, medications, etc, things that are not covered by her fee.) I was SO happy to hear today that hospice will provide her necessities going forward! One more thing I don't have to keep track of, order and deliver! It wasn't too bad a while back, and I could visit when delivering, but with lock down and her going through a lot more now, I have to buy more often for her than I get for myself!
If you start by asking what you can do to help, she might not be able to think of anything, so have a list of the suggestions made by all here and run through them. Even though you can't be there in person, you can be supportive, morally, emotionally, and perhaps financially. Physical help by taking over tasks that can be done remotely, like some shopping/delivering might take a load off for her!
Your are so wonderful! Thankfully, I have a sister that helps out. My uncle came to visit and has been so unhelpful and I’m so disgusted with him. My mom’s in hospice at home and yet it is all HIM instead of him helping out. It is overwhelming but my mom has always been there for my sister and me and we are committed to be there for her with love and compassion until she crosses over to be with the Lord.
Take good care! I’m sending you positive thoughts and prayers.
As that sister I would appreciate calls to listen to me and let me vent. Offer to take over duties/tasks you can do remotely. (I once asked my remote sister to research medical alert options for Mom and she sent me a screen shot of a Google search!) Balance checkbooks or financial issues Monitor medical expenses Order supplies, clothing, toiletries Research medications, medical equipment Call and talk to your Mom regularly Order gifts, flowers, etc
And notes and small gift to your sister to let her know you are thinking of her, how about pay for a spa day for her? Haircuts, facial, manicure, whatever makes her happy.
For caregivers it’s often not the money that is an issue but the constant drain on your attention, what did I forget to do? What item is Mom out of?
Sometimes we just need a sympathetic ear. And bless you for caring, I suggest you have a frank talk with your sister about this. Don’t ask what you can do, offer specifics.
I don’t know the specifics of your situation. Maybe some money would be helpful to hire extra help. In my situation, my sisters’ support as outlined above was more important.
Good luck! It is hard to be the one caring for one’s parents, but it is also hard to be the one far away and feeling helpless.
If money is not an issue, you could consider paying for someone to come into the home for a few hours a week so that your sister has some respite time.
I'm sure that your sister would appreciate any gesture of help.
Another thought might be to send her a special treat she would enjoy. Sweets, flowers, etc.
I agree with the previous answer that suggested asking your sister what would help. But I have a specific suggestion that she probably wouldn't mention unless you do. I would guess that she would think of asking for a break now and then during the week. But if she has been at it a long time, she may need more than that. She may need an offer to put her up in a hotel in a pretty area, and have your mother stay in an assisted living facility that offers respite care.
1) Provide financial support, the amount to be determined by your respective financial positions, and perhaps enough to purchase respite care or other major benefit.
2) Provide a gift as a token of your appreciation--it should be thoughtful but not necessarily a major expense.
3) Provide emotional support--a shoulder to lean upon.
4) Offer to do "homework" such as internet research on subjects that would be of help--perhaps legal matters, sources of help, etc.
If she is the sole provider for your mom where your mom lives with her , your sisters should have a day or two break once a week with a Caregiver coming in to relieve her.
If your mom doesn't have the money in her funds to do that, then you should pay for a Caregiver at least one 24 hr period for your sister to have a break.
It could be all day from 8 - 12 hrs a couple days a week or one 24 hr day, which ever your sister prefers.
Caregiving is very hard and your sister needs a day or two break during each week.
You should also plan a few days to a week, to come down and watch your mom so your sister can have a vacation.
How about a local store that does meals that all you have to do is heat. A lot have individual meals or meals for the family. Ask if they can deliver. Find out from your sister when would be a good time and have a meal delivered. Or call a Pizza place you know they like and have a pizza delivered. All this would take a meal or two off your sisters agenda.
Arrange to have a cleaning company come in once or better yet if you can afford it once a week but 2 times a month would probably be good.
Is there a laundry service in the area that would pick up, clean, fold and drop off?
And if there are agencies that are sending out caregivers how about paying for a caregiver 1 or 2 days a week. Even if it is for 4 hours. I have to tell you that when I had a caregiver come in for a few hours the first time I thought I had hit the lottery. I could get things done for myself that I had been putting off.
You are awesome to think about this for her.
caregiving is the hardest thing in world ... your sister dedicating so much of her life to this and you need to help out as much as you can.
money is best way to help ... and she use it to complement your mother’s care .. to hire help so she can get some respite for herself. Too bad you can’t be there for your mother and sister ... but definitely help out
with $$$ ... she’ll need lots more as things progress. Give as much as you can!!!! And of course continue to keep intouch and involved with FaceTime etc everyday !!!
you’ll never be able to repay all your sister doing .
If other siblings disagree with this one person nursing home - why offer time or funds to enable it?
Just another view. Probably has zero relevance to the OP's situation here. Most would be super grateful they had a sibling who took on the role.
I agree with those who’ve suggested respite for your sister. The scenario I’ve seen most often over the years is one adult child bearing the brunt of the caregiving burden to their detriment. What these folks need most is a break, but very often they will not take it if there’s no one else to step in.
If you live too far away to step in yourself, what I’d suggest is asking your sister to locate someone (either private duty or through a personal care agency) she trusts to step in while she rests. And you can take care of the expense. If your sister is like most caregivers I’ve met, she’ll insist on staying at your mom’s side, but with someone else there to do the heavy lifting, it will still give her the freedom to meet her own needs when she desires. And maybe she’ll take some time to pursue some self care for herself.
Bless you!
I’d recommend that you send your sister money to help with your mom’s care or if your mom needs certain supplies like adult pull up diapers or creams or bandages I’d also offer to order those and send. Any support you can provide would most likely be welcomed. Also, make sure to call or FaceTime once a week or every few days to stay connected and keep the lines of communication open.
I’ve found that offering specific actionable things you can do like I’m sending you a care package of mom’s favorite food or I’m sending you money to use how you wish for mom’s care is better than saying let me know if you need anything.
Countless caring friends and relatives have said “let me know what I can do to help”....it is nice to hear but in reality it feels like just another decision on my growing to do list that I have to make. In my experience if you offer a specific action item it is more appreciated - for example I’m sending you a care package with these specific items or I’m sending you money to help with mom’s care or I’m sending a warm blanket or box of food or treats or gift cards or flowers or even sending prayers or a card is helpful.
Hope this helps and best of luck to your mom and sister and you as you navigate the ups and downs caregiving.
In New York Consumer Directed Personal Assistance Program ("CDPAP") - this program allows those eligible for medicaid to select, train and direct their own caregivers. The wonderful part about the program is that it allows the individual to hire family members and friends, thus eliminating potential stress from strangers at home as well as language barrier issues. This greatly benefits both parties. Your caregiver gets paid and you get the care and comfort you deserve, without having a stranger in your home.
I think being there for her is one thing to offer - as others noted, someone to act as a sound board. No judgments, no suggestions for how she can "do it better", etc. My brothers were NOT listeners and even would dump on me if I tried to express needing help. I'm done with one, soon to be done with the other. They've done little to help with anything. Mom is in MC and has funds to pay her way. I manage her finances, medications, care, etc. Before the virus and recent stroke, I took her to most of her appts too. No help from the two clowns.
Make sure you tell her how grateful you are that she takes care of your mother. Send thoughtful cards and notes often. I hear NOTHING from my brothers. One isn't local, so he's been out of the picture for over 2.5 years. For other personal reasons, I don't even contact him, except to let him know mom had a stroke a bit ago. Took 15 hrs to get back "Thanks for update." That was it. Acknowledge how hard it must be... it might sound trite, but I'd like to have something from my brothers. It's like she's already gone for them...
Ask if she can use money to help out and if so how much. It may be more than you can handle, but if it's needed, any amount would likely be appreciated.
There might be other ways you can help as well. Offer if you can a week or two of respite, when it is safe to do so - even if she doesn't go far or just kicks back while you are there, it's something! Offer to pay for someone to come in and give her a break. If she needs more help around the house, perhaps a cleaning service, laundry service, maintenance help, lawn care?
Perhaps you can take over ordering supplies she needs? At least non-perishables? Having these delivered and paid for would likely be much appreciated! It would also free her up from keeping track of all that and the time needed to buy or order it. I've had to stay on top of things mom needs and try to ensure I order them in time and deliver before they are needed (briefs, wipes, medications, etc, things that are not covered by her fee.) I was SO happy to hear today that hospice will provide her necessities going forward! One more thing I don't have to keep track of, order and deliver! It wasn't too bad a while back, and I could visit when delivering, but with lock down and her going through a lot more now, I have to buy more often for her than I get for myself!
If you start by asking what you can do to help, she might not be able to think of anything, so have a list of the suggestions made by all here and run through them. Even though you can't be there in person, you can be supportive, morally, emotionally, and perhaps financially. Physical help by taking over tasks that can be done remotely, like some shopping/delivering might take a load off for her!
Wish I had a sister like you!!!
Take good care! I’m sending you positive thoughts and prayers.
(I once asked my remote sister to research medical alert options for Mom and she sent me a screen shot of a Google search!)
Balance checkbooks or financial issues
Monitor medical expenses
Order supplies, clothing, toiletries
Research medications, medical equipment
Call and talk to your Mom regularly
Order gifts, flowers, etc
And notes and small gift to your sister to let her know you are thinking of her, how about pay for a spa day for her? Haircuts, facial, manicure, whatever makes her happy.
For caregivers it’s often not the money that is an issue but the constant drain on your attention, what did I forget to do? What item is Mom out of?
Sometimes we just need a sympathetic ear. And bless you for caring, I suggest you have a frank talk with your sister about this. Don’t ask what you can do, offer specifics.