Should I send her money to help with the care of our mother? During this Covid-19 pandemic, I'm not able to help out. What would you suggest and how much? My mother is handicapped and can't do anything for herself.
Tell her how much you appreciate what she's doing, and ask her to suggest a sum. I think money she can choose how to spend, is much more sensible than guessing a 'gift' that may be useless.
While money is nice to assist with care, my hope (as a primary caregiver) is that you’re offering your sister emotional support. Be a listening ear and be ready to be vented to at times. I have called my out of state sister to complain at her from time to time and she patiently listens. I don’t need anything solved I just want to blow off a little steam. I’m super grateful she understands too! She never takes it personally or anything like that. I’ve made it clear to her though I just needed to get some things off my chest. Caregiving is hard emotionally, spiritually, and physically. And until you’ve walked a mile in the shoes of a caregiver you maybe won’t understand everything but be patient with your sis and don’t try to offer solutions when she calls to cry or fuss. Just listen. That’s all we ask💗
I so agree! It was worth more than money to me to be able to vent to my sister, without her making helpful "suggestions ". There is great comfort in just being listened to without being judged.
I think it would be wonderful to help your sister out financially with the care of your mother. I would discuss the amount with your sister. Good luck.
As someone that is in the reverse situation to yours (I am sole caregiver, sister lives out of state), I can emphatically say YES. If you are financially able to, please do. And if you are able to send a little something specifically for your sister's use for her own wellbeing, that is something that would mean a lot.
Does your mother, who is in the care of your sister and I would assume has few costs of her own, have funds she can use to pay the Sister. If so, she could contract with the Sister for payment on a monthly basis for room, board and care. This would not count against her in a medicaid lookback were she to need to apply for medicaid help, in that case, and your sister would claim this with the IRS as income. I would caution you to take care in deciding what you yourself spend when really it could be time for you to save for your own future care needs. Does your sister live in your Mother's home, or is the opposite the case. Has your sister expressed that things are tight for her in terms of financial needs? Would she be able to hire in more care were she to have more funds to do so? It is a lot to think about. Have you been able to sit with your sister and discuss all this. It is wonderful that you want to help, and I am certain it is difficult to see have take on all the care, and to be so far away.
“My mother is handicapped and can't do anything for herself.”
I don’t have enough information to know how large a toll this takes on your sister or her personal life. I would send her AT LEAST what it would have cost you to visit ever how often you would have pre pandemic. Especially if you haven’t been affected financially and your visits were help your sister counted on. Having said that, your sister should be being paid by your mother and perhaps she is being. If not, you need to encourage that. Respectfully, it would be a burden to me personally if I were asked to name an amount you should give. My DH brother recently sent a card expressing his gratitude that DH and I were taking such good care of their aunt. I appreciated the card. It was better than a poke in the eye which is about what I get from some of her other nieces and nephews. Let me rush to say, I would be doing what I do regardless. I certainly never expected anything from any of them. I remember my mom getting gifts from her siblings when she cared for her mom. My mom would acknowledge the gift but it annoyed my dad that they seemed to think the gifts were in any way sufficient to compensate my mother for what she was dealing with. So, yes. I’m glad you realize that it is a terrible imposition to have a handicapped loved one to care for regardless of how much you personally care for that loved one. Send money and encourage your sister to hire help even if it’s a one time spend to give her a break.
Just an addition to my previous post. My brother is not hands on with my mother but he helps in other ways. He pays the expenses for the outside work. He will pay for dinner to give me a break from cooking. It is a good feeling to have such support.
As a sole caregiver of my father, the best gift would be giving the caregiver a week off. If you are unable to fill in during this time, paying a company or sitter would be an incredible gift.
I just want to know if your mother is paying your sister anything? And to be honest if I was you, I would ask your sister what she wants. She might want respite instead of money. And if your mother isn’t paying her, it would be great if you advocated for your sister there—your mother if she has an income, should be paying her way.
I'd suggest send as much as you're able to and it's nice of you to think about your sister. It shows that you are grateful to her for not putting the burden of your mother's care on you.
That’s really kind of you. Who wouldn’t feel appreciated to receive an acknowledgement and money for your mom’s needs from time to time? I don’t send my sister $ for the care of my mom, only because my sister lives in my mom’s home rent free and has access to free car, insurance and check book to purchase weekly food and utilities, etc. My mother has the monies she needs. My sister has a 2dary caregiver from time to time so sister can get out of town, take a vacation. The $1,000 it takes for 1 week of respite care pay for 2ndary caregiver comes out of my mother’s account. I encourage my sister to do this. Fortunately, my mother loves the respite care caregiver and is always happy when she comes to stay. If my mom didn’t have her own funds, I would definitely send my sister financial help.
What a good family! Respite sounds like a great idea as others have suggested. But I want to share what a group of old friends have done for their long time friend who has been caring for her husband and has not been able to contribute to any retirement or keep up with her home. They all contributed to a savings account for her, and have continued to contribute something every year. One friend recently sent a repairman over to fix much needed home repairs. Another paid for some car maintenance. Another paid for a consultation with an elder care attorney. These are extraordinary friends as you can see. I thought I would share what some of them have done to help their friend.
Great idea! Find a way to pay for a break or vacation for the sister - a trip and someone to stay 24/7 while she's gone. Is there any relative or someone you know who could fill that gap?
If my siblings just sent cash it wouldn't help me much. What I need is breaks, on regular basis, throughout the year. I'm worn out. You're a great sister
As that sister I would appreciate calls to listen to me and let me vent. Offer to take over duties/tasks you can do remotely. (I once asked my remote sister to research medical alert options for Mom and she sent me a screen shot of a Google search!) Balance checkbooks or financial issues Monitor medical expenses Order supplies, clothing, toiletries Research medications, medical equipment Call and talk to your Mom regularly Order gifts, flowers, etc
And notes and small gift to your sister to let her know you are thinking of her, how about pay for a spa day for her? Haircuts, facial, manicure, whatever makes her happy.
For caregivers it’s often not the money that is an issue but the constant drain on your attention, what did I forget to do? What item is Mom out of?
Sometimes we just need a sympathetic ear. And bless you for caring, I suggest you have a frank talk with your sister about this. Don’t ask what you can do, offer specifics.
Having little details, I would suggest maybe asking your sister what you can do to help. If your mother is paying for her care, she might not need the money, but could put it away for her own future. If mom isn't paying, she could probably use some.
I think being there for her is one thing to offer - as others noted, someone to act as a sound board. No judgments, no suggestions for how she can "do it better", etc. My brothers were NOT listeners and even would dump on me if I tried to express needing help. I'm done with one, soon to be done with the other. They've done little to help with anything. Mom is in MC and has funds to pay her way. I manage her finances, medications, care, etc. Before the virus and recent stroke, I took her to most of her appts too. No help from the two clowns.
Make sure you tell her how grateful you are that she takes care of your mother. Send thoughtful cards and notes often. I hear NOTHING from my brothers. One isn't local, so he's been out of the picture for over 2.5 years. For other personal reasons, I don't even contact him, except to let him know mom had a stroke a bit ago. Took 15 hrs to get back "Thanks for update." That was it. Acknowledge how hard it must be... it might sound trite, but I'd like to have something from my brothers. It's like she's already gone for them...
Ask if she can use money to help out and if so how much. It may be more than you can handle, but if it's needed, any amount would likely be appreciated.
There might be other ways you can help as well. Offer if you can a week or two of respite, when it is safe to do so - even if she doesn't go far or just kicks back while you are there, it's something! Offer to pay for someone to come in and give her a break. If she needs more help around the house, perhaps a cleaning service, laundry service, maintenance help, lawn care?
Perhaps you can take over ordering supplies she needs? At least non-perishables? Having these delivered and paid for would likely be much appreciated! It would also free her up from keeping track of all that and the time needed to buy or order it. I've had to stay on top of things mom needs and try to ensure I order them in time and deliver before they are needed (briefs, wipes, medications, etc, things that are not covered by her fee.) I was SO happy to hear today that hospice will provide her necessities going forward! One more thing I don't have to keep track of, order and deliver! It wasn't too bad a while back, and I could visit when delivering, but with lock down and her going through a lot more now, I have to buy more often for her than I get for myself!
If you start by asking what you can do to help, she might not be able to think of anything, so have a list of the suggestions made by all here and run through them. Even though you can't be there in person, you can be supportive, morally, emotionally, and perhaps financially. Physical help by taking over tasks that can be done remotely, like some shopping/delivering might take a load off for her!
Your are so wonderful! Thankfully, I have a sister that helps out. My uncle came to visit and has been so unhelpful and I’m so disgusted with him. My mom’s in hospice at home and yet it is all HIM instead of him helping out. It is overwhelming but my mom has always been there for my sister and me and we are committed to be there for her with love and compassion until she crosses over to be with the Lord.
Take good care! I’m sending you positive thoughts and prayers.
Ask your sister what she needs help with: housekeeping, grocery delivery, gas for transportation... Those kinds of things can be arranged and you can pay for them to lighten her load.
Is your mother Medicare eligible? If so, your sister can be paid as a caregiver. In New York Consumer Directed Personal Assistance Program ("CDPAP") - this program allows those eligible for medicaid to select, train and direct their own caregivers. The wonderful part about the program is that it allows the individual to hire family members and friends, thus eliminating potential stress from strangers at home as well as language barrier issues. This greatly benefits both parties. Your caregiver gets paid and you get the care and comfort you deserve, without having a stranger in your home.
Absolutely! Being a full time caregiver can be very overwhelming. My sister and I are going through it right now with our mom. We live in same area but not in our hometown. We take turns being with our mom, plus we have found some wonder fil private pay (meaning we pay them) caregivers to come in a few hours a day to help out.
I’d recommend that you send your sister money to help with your mom’s care or if your mom needs certain supplies like adult pull up diapers or creams or bandages I’d also offer to order those and send. Any support you can provide would most likely be welcomed. Also, make sure to call or FaceTime once a week or every few days to stay connected and keep the lines of communication open.
I’ve found that offering specific actionable things you can do like I’m sending you a care package of mom’s favorite food or I’m sending you money to use how you wish for mom’s care is better than saying let me know if you need anything.
Countless caring friends and relatives have said “let me know what I can do to help”....it is nice to hear but in reality it feels like just another decision on my growing to do list that I have to make. In my experience if you offer a specific action item it is more appreciated - for example I’m sending you a care package with these specific items or I’m sending you money to help with mom’s care or I’m sending a warm blanket or box of food or treats or gift cards or flowers or even sending prayers or a card is helpful.
Hope this helps and best of luck to your mom and sister and you as you navigate the ups and downs caregiving.
As an RN who has worked in home health and home hospice, I want to commend you for being sensitive to the burden your sister bears as caregiver. You are a wonderful sibling.
I agree with those who’ve suggested respite for your sister. The scenario I’ve seen most often over the years is one adult child bearing the brunt of the caregiving burden to their detriment. What these folks need most is a break, but very often they will not take it if there’s no one else to step in.
If you live too far away to step in yourself, what I’d suggest is asking your sister to locate someone (either private duty or through a personal care agency) she trusts to step in while she rests. And you can take care of the expense. If your sister is like most caregivers I’ve met, she’ll insist on staying at your mom’s side, but with someone else there to do the heavy lifting, it will still give her the freedom to meet her own needs when she desires. And maybe she’ll take some time to pursue some self care for herself.
Here's another side. Many times I have seen one sibling give up their life for caregiving. They choose to leave their job, home, social life. Shutting out other help.
If other siblings disagree with this one person nursing home - why offer time or funds to enable it?
Just another view. Probably has zero relevance to the OP's situation here. Most would be super grateful they had a sibling who took on the role.
Of course you should !!!! caregiving is the hardest thing in world ... your sister dedicating so much of her life to this and you need to help out as much as you can. money is best way to help ... and she use it to complement your mother’s care .. to hire help so she can get some respite for herself. Too bad you can’t be there for your mother and sister ... but definitely help out with $$$ ... she’ll need lots more as things progress. Give as much as you can!!!! And of course continue to keep intouch and involved with FaceTime etc everyday !!! you’ll never be able to repay all your sister doing .
101% yes! It’s great that you recognize that everyone should help in some way. I would not only send her money but but a note thanking her for all she does. Little gestures go a long way. I would also set up if you can to have some food and groceries delivered. During COVID so many things are so much harder to do including shopping. If they feel comfortable and don’t already have arrange for a cleaning company to come in during the holidays again to give your sister a break and offer help since you can’t be there yourself
Money is always nice but How about a local store that does meals that all you have to do is heat. A lot have individual meals or meals for the family. Ask if they can deliver. Find out from your sister when would be a good time and have a meal delivered. Or call a Pizza place you know they like and have a pizza delivered. All this would take a meal or two off your sisters agenda. Arrange to have a cleaning company come in once or better yet if you can afford it once a week but 2 times a month would probably be good. Is there a laundry service in the area that would pick up, clean, fold and drop off? And if there are agencies that are sending out caregivers how about paying for a caregiver 1 or 2 days a week. Even if it is for 4 hours. I have to tell you that when I had a caregiver come in for a few hours the first time I thought I had hit the lottery. I could get things done for myself that I had been putting off. You are awesome to think about this for her.
If your mother has plenty of money for her care and your sister isn't having to use her own money, then you should send your sister Cards, Flowers, Presents, Gift Cards for getting a Manicures and Pedicure, Massage, Out to Eat, ect. to show your appreciation.
If she is the sole provider for your mom where your mom lives with her , your sisters should have a day or two break once a week with a Caregiver coming in to relieve her. If your mom doesn't have the money in her funds to do that, then you should pay for a Caregiver at least one 24 hr period for your sister to have a break. It could be all day from 8 - 12 hrs a couple days a week or one 24 hr day, which ever your sister prefers.
Caregiving is very hard and your sister needs a day or two break during each week.
You should also plan a few days to a week, to come down and watch your mom so your sister can have a vacation.
1) Provide financial support, the amount to be determined by your respective financial positions, and perhaps enough to purchase respite care or other major benefit.
2) Provide a gift as a token of your appreciation--it should be thoughtful but not necessarily a major expense.
3) Provide emotional support--a shoulder to lean upon.
4) Offer to do "homework" such as internet research on subjects that would be of help--perhaps legal matters, sources of help, etc.
Discuss this with your sister see what her needs are. If she says no thanks I got it maybe set up a savings program and when this is over gift it to your sister
Ask your sister what she needs at this time. Mention that you are very appreciative of her caregiving to your mom.
Sending a gift is always a lovely idea.
Others may disagree, but I see payment for care & a gift as two separate things.
There is great comfort in just being listened to without being judged.
Has your sister expressed that things are tight for her in terms of financial needs? Would she be able to hire in more care were she to have more funds to do so? It is a lot to think about. Have you been able to sit with your sister and discuss all this. It is wonderful that you want to help, and I am certain it is difficult to see have take on all the care, and to be so far away.
I don’t have enough information to know how large a toll this takes on your sister or her personal life.
I would send her AT LEAST what it would have cost you to visit ever how often you would have pre pandemic. Especially if you haven’t been affected financially and your visits were help your sister counted on. Having said that, your sister should be being paid by your mother and perhaps she is being. If not, you need to encourage that.
Respectfully, it would be a burden to me personally if I were asked to name an amount you should give.
My DH brother recently sent a card expressing his gratitude that DH and I were taking such good care of their aunt. I appreciated the card. It was better than a poke in the eye which is about what I get from some of her other nieces and nephews. Let me rush to say, I would be doing what I do regardless. I certainly never expected anything from any of them.
I remember my mom getting gifts from her siblings when she cared for her mom. My mom would acknowledge the gift but it annoyed my dad that they seemed to think the gifts were in any way sufficient to compensate my mother for what she was dealing with.
So, yes. I’m glad you realize that it is a terrible imposition to have a handicapped loved one to care for regardless of how much you personally care for that loved one.
Send money and encourage your sister to hire help even if it’s a one time spend to give her a break.
I don’t send my sister $ for the care of my mom, only because my sister lives in my mom’s home rent free and has access to free car, insurance and check book to purchase weekly food and utilities, etc. My mother has the monies she needs. My sister has a 2dary caregiver from time to time so sister can get out of town, take a vacation. The $1,000 it takes for 1 week of respite care pay for 2ndary caregiver comes out of my mother’s account. I encourage my sister to do this. Fortunately, my mother loves the respite care caregiver and is always happy when she comes to stay.
If my mom didn’t have her own funds, I would definitely send my sister financial help.
If my siblings just sent cash it wouldn't help me much. What I need is breaks, on regular basis, throughout the year. I'm worn out. You're a great sister
(I once asked my remote sister to research medical alert options for Mom and she sent me a screen shot of a Google search!)
Balance checkbooks or financial issues
Monitor medical expenses
Order supplies, clothing, toiletries
Research medications, medical equipment
Call and talk to your Mom regularly
Order gifts, flowers, etc
And notes and small gift to your sister to let her know you are thinking of her, how about pay for a spa day for her? Haircuts, facial, manicure, whatever makes her happy.
For caregivers it’s often not the money that is an issue but the constant drain on your attention, what did I forget to do? What item is Mom out of?
Sometimes we just need a sympathetic ear. And bless you for caring, I suggest you have a frank talk with your sister about this. Don’t ask what you can do, offer specifics.
I think being there for her is one thing to offer - as others noted, someone to act as a sound board. No judgments, no suggestions for how she can "do it better", etc. My brothers were NOT listeners and even would dump on me if I tried to express needing help. I'm done with one, soon to be done with the other. They've done little to help with anything. Mom is in MC and has funds to pay her way. I manage her finances, medications, care, etc. Before the virus and recent stroke, I took her to most of her appts too. No help from the two clowns.
Make sure you tell her how grateful you are that she takes care of your mother. Send thoughtful cards and notes often. I hear NOTHING from my brothers. One isn't local, so he's been out of the picture for over 2.5 years. For other personal reasons, I don't even contact him, except to let him know mom had a stroke a bit ago. Took 15 hrs to get back "Thanks for update." That was it. Acknowledge how hard it must be... it might sound trite, but I'd like to have something from my brothers. It's like she's already gone for them...
Ask if she can use money to help out and if so how much. It may be more than you can handle, but if it's needed, any amount would likely be appreciated.
There might be other ways you can help as well. Offer if you can a week or two of respite, when it is safe to do so - even if she doesn't go far or just kicks back while you are there, it's something! Offer to pay for someone to come in and give her a break. If she needs more help around the house, perhaps a cleaning service, laundry service, maintenance help, lawn care?
Perhaps you can take over ordering supplies she needs? At least non-perishables? Having these delivered and paid for would likely be much appreciated! It would also free her up from keeping track of all that and the time needed to buy or order it. I've had to stay on top of things mom needs and try to ensure I order them in time and deliver before they are needed (briefs, wipes, medications, etc, things that are not covered by her fee.) I was SO happy to hear today that hospice will provide her necessities going forward! One more thing I don't have to keep track of, order and deliver! It wasn't too bad a while back, and I could visit when delivering, but with lock down and her going through a lot more now, I have to buy more often for her than I get for myself!
If you start by asking what you can do to help, she might not be able to think of anything, so have a list of the suggestions made by all here and run through them. Even though you can't be there in person, you can be supportive, morally, emotionally, and perhaps financially. Physical help by taking over tasks that can be done remotely, like some shopping/delivering might take a load off for her!
Wish I had a sister like you!!!
Take good care! I’m sending you positive thoughts and prayers.
In New York Consumer Directed Personal Assistance Program ("CDPAP") - this program allows those eligible for medicaid to select, train and direct their own caregivers. The wonderful part about the program is that it allows the individual to hire family members and friends, thus eliminating potential stress from strangers at home as well as language barrier issues. This greatly benefits both parties. Your caregiver gets paid and you get the care and comfort you deserve, without having a stranger in your home.
I’d recommend that you send your sister money to help with your mom’s care or if your mom needs certain supplies like adult pull up diapers or creams or bandages I’d also offer to order those and send. Any support you can provide would most likely be welcomed. Also, make sure to call or FaceTime once a week or every few days to stay connected and keep the lines of communication open.
I’ve found that offering specific actionable things you can do like I’m sending you a care package of mom’s favorite food or I’m sending you money to use how you wish for mom’s care is better than saying let me know if you need anything.
Countless caring friends and relatives have said “let me know what I can do to help”....it is nice to hear but in reality it feels like just another decision on my growing to do list that I have to make. In my experience if you offer a specific action item it is more appreciated - for example I’m sending you a care package with these specific items or I’m sending you money to help with mom’s care or I’m sending a warm blanket or box of food or treats or gift cards or flowers or even sending prayers or a card is helpful.
Hope this helps and best of luck to your mom and sister and you as you navigate the ups and downs caregiving.
I agree with those who’ve suggested respite for your sister. The scenario I’ve seen most often over the years is one adult child bearing the brunt of the caregiving burden to their detriment. What these folks need most is a break, but very often they will not take it if there’s no one else to step in.
If you live too far away to step in yourself, what I’d suggest is asking your sister to locate someone (either private duty or through a personal care agency) she trusts to step in while she rests. And you can take care of the expense. If your sister is like most caregivers I’ve met, she’ll insist on staying at your mom’s side, but with someone else there to do the heavy lifting, it will still give her the freedom to meet her own needs when she desires. And maybe she’ll take some time to pursue some self care for herself.
Bless you!
If other siblings disagree with this one person nursing home - why offer time or funds to enable it?
Just another view. Probably has zero relevance to the OP's situation here. Most would be super grateful they had a sibling who took on the role.
caregiving is the hardest thing in world ... your sister dedicating so much of her life to this and you need to help out as much as you can.
money is best way to help ... and she use it to complement your mother’s care .. to hire help so she can get some respite for herself. Too bad you can’t be there for your mother and sister ... but definitely help out
with $$$ ... she’ll need lots more as things progress. Give as much as you can!!!! And of course continue to keep intouch and involved with FaceTime etc everyday !!!
you’ll never be able to repay all your sister doing .
How about a local store that does meals that all you have to do is heat. A lot have individual meals or meals for the family. Ask if they can deliver. Find out from your sister when would be a good time and have a meal delivered. Or call a Pizza place you know they like and have a pizza delivered. All this would take a meal or two off your sisters agenda.
Arrange to have a cleaning company come in once or better yet if you can afford it once a week but 2 times a month would probably be good.
Is there a laundry service in the area that would pick up, clean, fold and drop off?
And if there are agencies that are sending out caregivers how about paying for a caregiver 1 or 2 days a week. Even if it is for 4 hours. I have to tell you that when I had a caregiver come in for a few hours the first time I thought I had hit the lottery. I could get things done for myself that I had been putting off.
You are awesome to think about this for her.
If she is the sole provider for your mom where your mom lives with her , your sisters should have a day or two break once a week with a Caregiver coming in to relieve her.
If your mom doesn't have the money in her funds to do that, then you should pay for a Caregiver at least one 24 hr period for your sister to have a break.
It could be all day from 8 - 12 hrs a couple days a week or one 24 hr day, which ever your sister prefers.
Caregiving is very hard and your sister needs a day or two break during each week.
You should also plan a few days to a week, to come down and watch your mom so your sister can have a vacation.
1) Provide financial support, the amount to be determined by your respective financial positions, and perhaps enough to purchase respite care or other major benefit.
2) Provide a gift as a token of your appreciation--it should be thoughtful but not necessarily a major expense.
3) Provide emotional support--a shoulder to lean upon.
4) Offer to do "homework" such as internet research on subjects that would be of help--perhaps legal matters, sources of help, etc.