Long backstory short - FIL was raised by a mother and grandmother who treated him as if he were the second coming. He is a raging narcissist. He has some age related cognitive decline but at this point it seems more just some really poor decision making. He treats women as if we were put on Earth to see to his needs and nothing more.
Lately, we have needed him to "help us" by making some good decisions around the care and maintenance of his home. Removing some old things that he no longer needs that are causing damage to the house (by this I mean giving us permission to get rid of them for him) or blocking exits. To be honest we could do it and he would never know but it is HIS house and we were trying to keep him involved. SIL, who lives there, tried to have a rational conversation with him. He dug in. Refused to discuss it. We needed to move these things soon. BIL who lives there, tried to have a rational conversation with him. He refused. My DH, his son, tried to have a rational conversation with him. He refused. I tried to have rational conversation with him...you get the picture.
So I tried one last tactic - and I swear to you all I absolutely hate this tactic - but it is the ONLY one that works and I don't know why. I talk to him like a child, I tell him he doesn't have a choice and that it is going. That his house is in disrepair, that is it dangerous and that his home owner's would cancel on him if they did an inspection, that the fire department would report him for blocking an exit as it illegal....yadda yadda yadda. All in a stern voice. Suddenly he is on board and letting us get rid of stuff.
Then behind my back he is telling my husband that he needs to "Get his woman in line."
I hate this! Why won't he just work with us when we try to talk to him adult to adult? Is there something we are missing? Is there more cognitive decline that we are missing? Why does he respond to me treating him like a child but not us treating him like an adult? I don't want to treat him like that. I leave with a headache every time I have to have a confrontation like that. It isn't fair to him or me that I have to resort to that. AND I'm the only one he will listen to!! We have even tried that approach with the other three and nothing. His sister says he is afraid I will take my husband and go because we don't have to be there and she believes he is intimidated because he has never had to deal with anyone that would tell him he isn't getting his way before.
I just don't know if this is how we are going to have to do things from now on to get anything accomplished. Is this our lives from now on? Is there really no discussing things with him like an adult anymore?
* You need to learn that all you can control is YOUR REACTION, not his.
- And how you take care of yourself.
- This is learned behavior. Catch yourself immediately when he does or says something that will / does set you off. S-T-O-P and be aware of how you feel and how you want to re-center yourself. Then figure out how, i.e., walk away, think of something pleasant, say "yes, I hear you" and continue doing what you need to do.
* You need to understand, emotionally and psychologically that there is just so much you can do if you need his cooperation and/or legal authorization, if you do not get it.
* Do not engage with him unless useful - to meet your needs (for him).
* Walk away. Being narcissistic, he won't like that.
* Hold your ground. Do not allow him to continue to drive (you nuts). Dealing with this personality is certainly not easy. Only you can change, he cannot "much" - holding your ground, not reacting to him (which he likes), not arguing (which he wants to do cause 'he's right, of course...' may register in his brain "this ain't working anymore.
- He will NOT change until you do.
Gena aka Touch Matters
Your number 1 goal is now keeping him as safe as you can which is going to be a rollercoaster ride for all of you.
So sorry you all are facing this.
Also, from the sounds of it, DH and SIL were likely browbeaten growing up and kowtowed to this man. Clearly SIL still hasn't managed to stand up to him, but DH is learning!
Try to do whatever it takes to be free of your FIL, as it will only get worse.
Hugs and best of luck!
You’re going through a most difficult time in FIL’s life and if you can do anything to ease his burden, while not destroying your life would be most advantageous for all involved. It’s very possible that he is depressed, anxious and confused which only adds to the agony of watching his life slip away in slow motion and not knowing why.
Next time, just tell him nicely the first time the same thing.
You can even add the Health Dept and Senior Dept.
But, please keep in mind it is his house and he shouldn't have to get rid of anything unless it really is a concern for Health or Safety. Not because you or anyone else want it cleaned up.
They'll be plenty of time to get rid of his stuff, after he's gone.
You don't need to try teaching an old dog new tricks.
As long as he shows you respect, he can't help how he feels or thinks because that's how he grew up.
But, you show him respect and let him know you expect it back and everything will be fine.
At least, with a parent figure rather than a partner in that circumstance, you’re not in a position of grieving how your beloved peer’s cognitive/emotional decline is affecting them and you.
Hugs! Take a measure of empowerment for yourself, to weather this caregiving storm.
If it’s any help at all, I was coached by a person who has experience in managing these behaviors to do just what you are doing. Just speak clearly and firmly and walk away when needed. Don’t try to reason or explain or appease. I don’t raise my voice, but I am serious and I don’t show emotion. I can say to not take it personally but it’s hard not to sometimes. Deep down your FIL knows you won’t take any guff and that it is likely you could cut him off. He knows he needs help and is clinging to whatever control he still thinks he has. For him that’s being verbally abusive. I’m sorry you have to go through this!
So treat him like a child and he responds in case you stop giving him things he wants, but like a child behind your back he rebels and talks about you because he thinks having things his way is his right.
I guess its a bit like Pascal's wager - do what DIL says just in case I can't continue to get my own way.
I doubt you will change him, but a discussion between your generation of the family that agrees that things will get done by treating him as a child and that's just the way it is - do it and move on - could take the strain off all of you. Its a case of finding what works and using it same as with a child, he is just a child that was spoilt, never grew up, and is likely unfortunately to suffer mental decline until more and more like a child in future. If the family can agree on a plan of action you will all feel less stressed and more supported by each other going forward.
Just how I read it - having a narcissistic mother.
SIL & BIL got in a sticky spot a while back & FIL helped them out. FIL saw it more 'transaction' than gift.. The King grants this generosity = enslaved into the King's service - forever. Now they are stuck fast.
They may need to do a 'Harry & Megan' & plan their escape & independence despite the hardships it will bring. That's up to them of course.
You seem to get along well with them - I'd make THAT relationship the one to preserve & protect. (They'll be still around in 5, 10 years).
Ensure they get you. Eg if you stepped back from helping FIL & this increased their workload would they understand?
If you work with them on a master plan, the tough love approach could work.
The biggest barrier will be SIL. That F.O.G. (fear obligation guilt). She will need to examine her thoughts. Does FIL helping her before match what he is expecting now? Has the emotional/financial debt been cleared in her mind?
One last thought.. when I ran up a credit card in my stupid youth. My Folks did not pay the bill but showed me how to manage it myself. Could SIL take that approach with FIL now? I won't DO all your work, but I will show you how to hire help?
Talking to him in baby talk is disrespectful -- simplifying what you're trying to convey is not.
You indicated that BIL/SIL moved in 5 years ago, more out of necessity for them than for dear old dad. What is their situation now? Can they afford to find a place of their own? If so, then they should work on finding a place and make plans to move out. Meanwhile, if you all work well together as a team, get dad's place cleaned up and situated. Once they move out, then see how it goes. If he can't fend for himself, then someone will need to step in and take over. This may require guardianship. Based on another person's journey with that, it doesn't always have to be competence and doesn't have to be complete guardianship. The courts will try to allow the person some independence, but if it can be shown that he can't cope, then some or all oversight can be granted (his funds should pay for this, not any of yours or the ILs.)
If the ILs still can't afford their own place, then you all can still tackle cleaning up the place, but help SIL grow a backbone and have them slowly withdraw from all the help they provide. If necessary, you can increase your Grinch repertoire to include directing him to take on some of the duties required, as he used to do. They've enabled him for a long time, so it won't happen overnight, but between them backing off and you being drill sargeant, get him doing tasks OR teach her how to do it. He's likely physically weaker from not doing it, so it needs to be done in stages, but he needs to either take this on or move to AL.
Remember, even the Grinch had a heart and it grew three sizes!
Since there appears to be multiple problems, please get your FIL evaluated for dementia and physical ailments. Don't be surprised if his family doctor refers him to a neurologist (for evaluation and treatment of dementia) and a geriatric psychiatrist (for evaluation and treatment of mental health issues).
Treatment for dementia? Do you mean medication to keep him calmed down? sedated?