I feel like my life is at a standstill except for what is important to my Mom. Any advice?

ciciseven, I agree a caregiver needs a break. However you can't get help from Medicaid when you're parent/parents/spouse are Medicare. You will have to pay and pay dearly for hands on help.

As far as neighbors go, perhaps if they're long time friends and neighbors that is doable. But these days many Americans barely know who lives next door.

That's also a lot to ask of even a neighbor you know well on a regular basis. I don't think too many would want to be doing this every week for several hours a day, unless you paid them.

I remember when taking care of my parents the lady next door was one of these "if you ever need anything let me know" types, well one day I needed help, mom was in one hospital, dad was going into another. I needed to get back to the hospital mom was in, and I asked "could you please take my dad over to the hospital in the morning"...I had to get back to where mom was 30 miles away.

Well she did it, but I could tell it was not something she wanted to do, and I hated asking, but I was in a bind.

Neighbors can and will only do so much, as they should. It's not their issue.

Here's my take on the consult a 'therapist' advice. I'd love to; no $$$, no therapist and we are back at square one. Just like middle-eastern political relations, you cannot set boundaries nor confer with those who are not interested in respecting those boundaries or conferring with you. (Care recipient.) All you can do is all you can do; and all you can do is enough.

My 2 cents about boundaries is that they are not tools for changing people, but for self-defense and unless they have concrete consequences for when they are broken, they are useless. Very seldom does a person whose being boundaried ever gain enough self-insight to change and most likely they never will, but you don't have to dance their emotional dance with them.

I took care of my mother-in-law for a little over two years.
she had a stroke, was on oxygen, took a lot of pills 3 times a day and had seizures unexpectedly. She needed help to go to the bathroom and to be bathed. We were also raising 3 kids ages 10 months to 11 years. It was hard for both of us, me and mom, at first! After the kids went off to school, I would sit with mom and talk to her. I would ask her about her life and my husband's life and how she raised her own kids. We would snack together, play some cards and basically became more than just in-laws, we became mom and daughter and we became friends.

The point is, mom felt like she was a burden and caused extra work without doing her share and we talked for many hours until it finally came out. She was used to being the caregiver, the boss and she thought this would never happen to her. She wanted to be useful, respected, independent and loved! She was not useless! And that meant being strong. She still had a lot of knowledge and helpful suggestions and she just wanted to be acknowledged.

I cannot tell you how much I grew to love that woman and...she taught me a lot! We lost her in 1998.

Fast forward to today. We live on our daughter's property because my husband was diagnosed with lung cancer that had spread to the brain and other vital organs and I cannot take care of him alone. She is raising her own family, home schools her children and took on the burden of us. After three months, I could see her wearing down. Sometimes angry, sometimes sad. So....I sat down and talked to her, just recently in fact, and I told her she did not have to feel like she had to be everything. She did not have to check in on us everyday. Take us to his everyday appointments or cook for us!

Here is what she told me. Mom, I don't want dad to think that I have abandoned him or you! So I built up this burden in my mind and I have become overwhelmed!

In my mind, she was treating me like a dawdling old fool! And I resented it! But she didn't know that. She thought she was being the dutiful daughter.

We have a wonderful relationship today because we talked and found the root of the problem.

She has consented for me to set up transportation and she is willing to transport when an extra appointment gets thrown in. You never know what is going on in each others mind until you communicate.

Also, we are planning an at-home spa day!

Talk to your mom.

In all honesty, I feel like my life is somewhat at a standstill, too. I did not want to retire and become a nurse to my mother and husband. but then came to incentive package from my employers and , being the need so great at home, I retired. My day does not have as much structure as it did, lots of visits to AL and to labs and to doctors, more labs, prescriptions, etc, etc.

So, I have done one thing to make me feel like my life is moving forward. Don't laugh: I am reading the biographies of all the presidents, starting with George Washington. I am up to Madison now. This is a great "goal" for the situation because I can read whenever I have time, take to books to appointments, and I feel like I am "making progress." And it is REALLY interesting.

I understand how you feel. My mom was in a nursing/skilled nursing facility for about 2 and one have years. There were times when I wanted to be there for her and there were times when I needed time for myself. I believe that you need to take that time in order to really be there when our loved ones need us the most. My mom died three weeks ago and I have no regrets. The memories I have of our time spent together are not replaceable. Love your mom, but also love yourself enough to recharge your batteries. Also, know that nothing really controls us but what we allow to control.

If it wasn't for my husband my life would be consumed with moms needs.
I did not move her in with me. (good decision). Mom has always been a pessimist. If she had a test for cancer she immediately started telling people she had cancer. And that was BEFORE the dementia began to show itself.
There are a lot of problems, as her lack of money, she has a dog which she won't take outside, makes her use puppy pads, she is lonely but won't reach out to others in her retirement home, needs more care but can't see it. All her family and most of her friends are dead. I'm the only one she has. People who promised to "do anything to help" won't even come to visit anymore. So, myself and one long time friend try to spend time with her. And, of course, it's not enough. My husband tries to help me draw lines with her to have some control over my own life. My story is so much likes others' on this sight. It does help to have a place to go. With mom in a retirement home I can walk out if she is too abusive to me. Which I've done a few times in the last 2 years since I had to take over her care. I moved her 15 minutes away instead of 50 so I can leave and come back later. It has saved me from saying things I will regret. God Bless us all!

Good words from Cindy T2015 ! Unfortunately, many Moms, parents, etc. are not open to converse, and will never get it. Glad you had good communication. It is the exception- but I believe it's possible, IF both parties are willing to talk and are alert enough to comprehend.

Definitely set limits, make a list either mental or on paper of what you will and won't do. You don't give a lot of details but I can relate. As we age, many seniors may become fearful of losing control, that's why it's so important to them to maintain control of everything they can. By older age, we're set in our ways and don't even want to look at alternatives. Maybe you can start a new family 'tradition' where one week one person makes decision (for meals or whatever), the next week another person makes the decisions. What ever works for you and your family. Most of us are in the same boat, the one where life revolves around our loved ones. Get some alone time and figure what you can live with, some things you can present to others such as setting boundaries. I ask myself, 'what's the worst thing that could happen if he/she', and often I let my dad 'have his way' because it's just little stuff. For me, the what's the worst that can happen has taken away a lot of the anxiety and helped me to realize I don't need control over ....... So what if dad only wants potatoes he can have them. I learned a long time ago from a dietitian, it doesn't really matter what they eat (the elderly) as long as they eat. What's the worst that can happen if he eats potatoes for a week? Nothing, next week he's back to eating regular meals. Each of us has our limits, sometimes joking around can ease a tense situation. Just remember you are not alone in your caregiving duties and I'm sure many of us have had those moments, but you can do this. Let her have control, what's the worst that can happen?

twinlaura, my sympathies on the loss of your father. I lost mine 1/21/15. TFandFrustrated, I have been there. I have lived with my parents for the last 10 years. And I felt I had very little control over my life. Since Dad's health was declining, it was Dad, Dad, Dad constantly. Mom feels that "honor thy father and thy mother" incudes the elderly. so not only did dinner, TV etc revolve around Dad, Mom also caters to our 91 y/o neighbor, who is showing some decline. With Dad's passing I have already seen some positive changes. Although we are missing Dad very much, I see Mom doing more for herself, doing things she put off when Dad was around. There's more space to get everyone's needs met. just wanted to share where I was, and that I am experiencing positive changes even during this tough time. I wish the same for you.

I am new to taking care of someone older than myself. My domestic partner is 61 years old and I work as a switchboard operator in a hospital. I took a burnout quiz because I had suspicions, and I ranked close to the border of high burnout risk and TOAST (Just 2 points away) I don't have a social life, I feel irratible. I have practically cut my food consumption down so he can eat because of his diabetes and heart condition. He badgers me for attention at the worst possible time. It may seem like too much info, but please try not to get grossed out. I havent had sex in over 6 months, and I have picked up smoking again for my nerves. I have no decompression and no outlet and If I didn't keep my hair short I would pull it out. What advice do you give? Should I get out, or stay and hope I regain enough strength to help him? I am at a loss and feel like I'm about to have a nurvous breakdown. Oh and when he doesn't get his way he makes me out to be the bad guy, and I have a lot of love to give.

You sound burned out and in great need of a break. It also sounds like you may be the victim of some emotional abuse. It also sounds like you are not eating enough food.

Does he have any other health needs beyond his heart condition and diabetes?

Can you hire someone to come in and look after him in order to give you a break?

Diabetes, heart condition go hand in hand with depression. Depression leads to aggression and taking it out on the very person they love and treasure. It is not meant to be mean or hurtful but it is. Is your partner able to work? If not, that could be a real source of depression and he feels useless. Is it possible to try and find something he could do and feel good about himself again? Does he have a hobby or something he could get into? Maybe both of you could? Diabetes cooking classes? Counseling for both of you would be worth a try. Of course if he won't that's on him. But you need a support group and I'm sure the hospital has them. You will find many friends to lean on with good advice. Look into them....please. Everyone is different but support groups were put into place for a reason. It might be that your partner needs to be evaluated again and again for medication/dietary management. I have several friends that live with both these conditions (insulin pump). It is hard but manageable. Something is wrong and it needs to be addressed by a physician. Good Luck and God Bless