I feel like I’m close to a nervous breakdown but there is no escape :( Any advice?

Im so sorry and know exactly how you feel. Me too! I took care of my parents for 9 years...now my husband has dementia..and i am burnt out and to be truthful, exhausted with no let up in sight. No one to help me kids and my sibs are all in other states.

I have no words of wisdom...but want you to know I feel for you...I know what it’s like to have your health go down hill trying to help and keep everyone happy.

I will put you in my prayers and if i were in person i would hug you.

Giving attention to your own physical and mental health is an important part of taking care of those who need you. If you are not in adequate condition yourself, you will be of no help to others.

Going through the same thing

Why is it your responsibility to make everyone else happy? It's not. Take a look at all of what you do and prioritize it. Then set limits/boundaries. Your family can come together to help when you tell them that you can't do it all and that you give them a list of what you will do. For example, they can do the kitchen routine a few days a week. If they don't step up, they don't eat. Can you talk to your boss and take a day off weekly or every other week for a month or two? Set boundaries with your dad and don't take the abuse. Let hospice social workers work with him. I don't know the situation so I can go into strategies.

Is hospice involved? They come to your home and can help you with care for your mother and perhaps do respite care which means they will place your mother in a facility for 3 days so you can catch your breath. The social worker can help you organize your life while the CNA's can do physical care for your mother. Caregivers who set no boundaries become ill either during or after the death from multiple stressors such as fatigue, stress, anticipatory grief and so on.

You are not a victim in your caregiver role.

Peace,
Mark

I feel you and am struggling as well though my mom is still living on her own (probably another year). As hard as it is, I can't even imagine what it is like for you.

Overloaded,

I know with Covid the timing is not ideal , however there are agencies that can provide in home respite care.

You can contact your local Council on aging for assistance.

Maybe you and your family could get away for a long weekend!

Trust me when I tell you that you NEED to take care of yourself!!
I didn't heed the warnings!
Last year I was diagnosed with colon cancer, had a stress fracture in my foot and had to have major spine surgery.

If you're not seeing a therapist, I would highly recommend it. Also talk to your Doctor about medication to help you with depression/ anxiety.

Praying that you find a way to care for yourself! Your hubby and your children want to around!🙏🙏🙏

You've received some terrific answers and suggestions. What a lovely group. I just joined and your words echo what I felt at the end of last year. I had both parents living with me. Mother has advanced dementia and Dad had major physical issues plus some dementia. Mom had always been violent and unpleasant, but after a stay in a psychiatric hospital she received excellent meds and is now sweet. Once that was stabilized, my father revealed his unpleasant nature. I felt exactly like you and resorted to hiding in my bedroom. He died suddenly and peacefully before Christmas. While Mom is still a major handful, she's pleasant. If you can place your father somewhere, I'd recommend it.

Hi! Many of us know exactly how you feel. Wow, it's too much! I have a few thoughts - one is counseling. If possible, find a good therapist. I find it extremely helpful! Two, get in-home assistance ASAP. Three, stop with trying to make people happy right now. Leave that up to them! They need to leave you alone for a while and take care of themselves. Be kind to yourself. Let things go that can go. Choose wisely on where to put your energy. Lastly, my advice to you is something that I found extremely important - communicate to your family how you feel and what you are going through as clearly and concisely as you can. They need to understand your needs so they can actively be a part of all these troubles. Your family needs to unite in supporting you and your mother! I hope for the best possible outcome. I hope soon you can put yourself first and engage is SELF CARE. You will be more successful taking care of others once you take care of yourself. Keep us posted!

I get what you are going thru. My 95 year old mom lives with my husband and me. Physically she is fine, but mentally she is like a toddler. Before the dementia started,,she begged that I never put her in a nursing home. I'm feeling that she cannot be left alone for more than a few hours. She is also paranoid and delusional at times. My husband says he is trying to be understanding, but she could be with us for years. I have also told my daughter that I don't want her to go thru this with me. If I have to go to a nursing home, put me there.

I am so sorry you are going through the overwhelming stress that you are facing!! This site is good for venting to others who totally understand and can commiserate whole-heartedly with you. I totally understand the guilt you are feeling and the burnout. I had to start seeing a therapist because I too felt like I was going to break-down. I’m considering bringing my mom home from an assisted living due to her continued loneliness there and her increasing cognitive decline due to that. I hope you can find some peace and relief here. This process is so very difficult!! Hugs to you!

I am not there yet, but my FIL’s needs are becoming more and more time consuming. I will be glad when the weather warms up because I NEED to be outside working in the garden and such, but at this point he will have to come out with me. Maybe I can find small, easy things for him to do. Being cooped up with winter and COVID is awful. When DH runs errands he used to take his dad, but with COVID that isn’t an option for now.

I have health issues and a son with epilepsy so I have to take some time away from it all and recharge. My MIL was dx with cancer and passed away 4 years ago, I wonder how much the stress of caring for my FIL affected her.

Anyway, every 3rd night or so, I let DH take over. I eat dinner by myself turn on a movie, make a cocktail, and have a good soak in the tub. Every morning I get up an hour before he does and take time to enjoy my coffee, pray and just have me-time. At 9 pm my FIL goes to bed. My DH used to invite him to stay up if we wanted to be up later but I nixed that fast! DH and I need the time alone too.

DH wanted to take FIL on vacation with us, but has since changed his mind (thank God). We all need the break.

Gotta keep a balance. On nice days, I walk, sometimes with my FIL, we both enjoy it and it really lifts our spirits.

anyway, take care of yourself. When it gets too hard for me, I will insist on a live in caregiver at least overnight. And I’m not against memory care if/when he gets to the point his care is too difficult

I feel your pain as I’m also watching my mom leave in a slow motion. It is very overwhelming. I’m trying my best, but most days this isolation makes it twice as difficult. Try to get outside help. Pray a lot. Find time for YOU. Take breaks away from the situation. Cry when you need to! Big hug. You’re not alone.

Burn out is REAL! I too have been neglecting my own medical needs. Newly diagnosed with MS while caring for my Dad. Hugs to you from a distance.

So good you have found this forum so you can at least express your frustrations and your distress. Husband, kids, FT job, bad-attitude Dad, and declining mother would truly be an overload for anyone. Underlying everything you are trying to do is your grief and sadness watching your mother "wind down.". Do your best to keep your mother safe and comfortable. Are you able to hire any part-time help to attend to your mother so you can have some time with your husband and children?

A caregiving support group might help you find other people who really understand your situation. Given all you are trying to do, an online forum like this one might have to do for now. I can't imagine you have much time for in-person meetings anywhere.

Appreciate whatever time you have left with your mother. Arrange breaks for yourself and family time if you can. While you are still able to work FT, that is at least a break from care taking, and lets you be in a different environment for part of the day. Is your work something you enjoy?

Make choices as wisely as you can about what you are eating, how much you are able to exercise, and what time you spend with your husband and kids. Positive choices even for small things can give you some confidence and hope.

Keep "talking" to us.

Dear Overloaded,

My heart goes out to you. I understand all too well how you are feeling. My father is 91 now and has dementia and many other conditions. I'm no spring chicken and the physical work is starting to get to me. I moved in a year ago to help, pre-Covid. My brother already lived with my dad, and won't help with anything to do with my father. I had a breakdown last year and learned a lot from it, the most important being to put myself first.

It was hard to realize at first, but I did realize that what is happening to my dad isn't happening to me. I was letting myself suffer in an effort to ease his, got completely caught up in how I thought things should be, I tried to fix everything, be there in an instant, micro-manage everything, etc. The breakdown awoke in me the realization that I have the opportunity to choose how I am going to respond to everything that I allowed to break me. I take my time doing things now, centre myself when dad calls, to the way that I move; I get there, but it's at my own speed. (My father told a PSW that he likes to push my buttons and aggravate me. He didn't know I overheard. But it sure turned things around for me! :) ) The breakdown also showed me that I needed to clean the slate and start over. Why did I choose to do this in the first place? (A sense of duty? Because my mother told me I had to when I was young? Because it's what we do, my parents took care of me... etc?) To help my dad live in comfort, safety, and dignity at the end of his life. I need to live with comfort, safety, compassion, dignity, too. Do I have to do this? My father needs 24/7 care. I need 24/7 care too! The person who knows what I need at all times is me.

Women are amazing people. We are strong and we are human. We know ourselves the best and it's 100% important to take care of ourselves first, delegate, rest, walk outside, laugh with friends, be compassionate and caring, guilt-free.
So grateful for this forum and to read all your stories. I wish you all the best.
XO

You're in the midst of a nightmare. You will make it through and it will end. You will then see how good a person you've been for doing all you can. Take care.

Overloaded21...I hear you and understand. I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. I wish I could help you but maybe by reading this post you know you are not alone.

You are a selfless person...obviously and I'm sure your mom appreciates all you are doing and you are setting such a great example for your two children. At 10 and 12 years of age, they see what you are doing and the sacrifices you are making and continue to make. Bless you.

Try to take care of yourself although I know how hard it is. I lost over 18 pounds while caring for my ailing parents who both passed within the last two years. I'm down to 101 pounds but the consolation is I did what I had to do to take care of them as you are doing for your precious mom. I was with both of them the moment they went "Home". It was devastating but I would never, ever trade those two moments when I was there for both of them in their time of need.

Please try to stay positive. You WILL be okay.

I'm here if you need to talk.

Praying for you.

I am in your shoes. My mother doesn’t live with us, but she lives a few doors down from us. She has been here for 10 yrs! She is 95 yrs old now. She has always been dependent on me because she is blind, and can’t go out in her own. She lassoed me in early-on to be her slave. We brought her down here when my dad went into a nursing home and passed away. Biggest mistake not only for us but for her too. Because I wanted to give her a good life here, she soon took over our lives. And she was a bully. To make a long story short, after 5 yrs of being an indentured servant, I developed CANCER. I know it was from the stress! My message to anyone considering moving their parents into their home or close by, is think long and hard about it! If I could go back, I would have told my mother to sit back and think about things before we made the move. (She lived 350 miles away). I would have opted - in hindsight - she go into an assisted living situation near us where she would have friends and she would have received assistance when needed. Instead she tried to bully us and make us be her social life. It just doesn’t work. I had to put up boundaries. I am still treating for my cancer almost 5 yrs later. Mom is on hospice now. She is isolated and friendless in her remaining months because of Covid and because she never really tried to make friends here. They need to stay on their own path and make a go of their life - and if they need help, a nursing home, asst living, or senior housing is the answer.

I know exactly how you feel and how utterly hopeless it can be when there is no way out and no workable answer. I have struggled to maintain a functional relationship with my elderly mother who is demanding, often abusive and shows no gratitude or appreciation for the years I have invested in her well being. My siblings take no part in sharing the workload and see me as being insensitive if I complain. This infuriates me and I find myself retreating from them as I know my mother feeds off this support. It's a toxic cycle that keeps on repeating. The biggest mistake I made was moving into the family home after my father died, to help my mother continue her later years in comfort without having to sell and this decision was supported by my 2 siblings. I never thought 20 years later I'd still be here and trapped. I'm in my early 60s and my mother is in her 90s. I stupidly assumed my siblings would step in and allow me to have a life, but people are unbelievably selfish when it comes to sharing family responsibilities. I never married so I am the one assigned to be the caregiver, everyone else is too busy with their families. Despite her advancing years, my mother is in good health and mobile but she refuses to cook her own food or do anything that requires an effort. I have threatened to walk out but if I leave my siblings will probably persuade her to sell, which means they will profit not me. I have a bad relationship with them now and I don't trust them. In some ways I think they would be glad to see me move out for this reason. All of this could be avoided if my mother wasn't so selfish and didn't focus on herself all the time. For now, there's no sign of that changing and I just see time disappearing like sand through my fingers. Time I can never get back. : (

You've done nothing wrong. Do you know why you feel that way, to begin with? If your brain senses you just sacrificing your own needs for someone else's, then it'll tell you it's time to move on or change something. It doesn't mean you don't love your mother, but try to make some time for yourself. You can't let your parents absorb all of your time needed for the basics. Put down some ground rules, and make plenty of time for yourself. Your parents are going to need to hire some help if they don't like that, but you can't just stop working out, working a full-time or part-time job for spending money, or cutting off anything else you need in order to help them. It's just not practical.

I completely understand what you are going through and experiencing. I had to set boundaries and create time for me. I had to work diligently on accepting the reality of the situation (books like the power of now and youtubers that support your spirital awakening like Aaron Doughty and Trent Shelton- I strongly suggest taking a look at their videos and guidance) I was often "resisting" the reality of the situation bc I wanted it to change- I realized then the only thing I could do to help me was CHANGE the way I perceived the situation- the problem is NEVER the problem itself, it is always your reaction to the problem. I was then able to let go of the pain and suffering of caregiving and the enormous toll it was taking on me in ALL areas of my life.

You are under a tremendous amount of pressure and my heart goes out to you. As caregivers we sometimes have to take things 5 minutes at time or an hour at a time. If you’re able to do it, I’d suggest 2 things. One is to schedule some “me time” just for you. Lock yourself in the bathroom for a nice long soak, your bedroom to listen to relaxing music, meditate or read a good book or leave the house by yourself and go for a long drive. The key is to schedule it, tell your family members in advance, and then enforce it with setting boundaries. As far as your dad, setting boundaries may help but it’s hard when dealing with a difficult parent.

I am dealing with a narcissistic Alzheimer’s mother. I’m in the process of setting boundaries with her and fully expect backlash. My health is suffering as is my marriage and this is where I draw the line. Please don’t let your situation get to this point. I’m fortunate to have a good therapist to help me through this difficult process, and it has been worth every penny.

Hang in there and sending a hug.

I know the feeling ..have felt the same at times when I reach my breaking point.
Try to make a point to find some time to yourself each day where you aren't doing anything for anyone. It sounds like you've taken on responsibility for too many on your shoulders. Tell the adults how you are feeling overwhelmed, especially your husband. Can your dad and husband help with some things with your mom to lighten your load? Can the kids take over additional chores etc to help. Just a thought.....good luck to you....

I am so sorry you are dealing with this.  Coping with the fact that you are losing your mom is hard enough...having them live with you is another level of hell in itself.  I wonder if there is a place they could move to that would offer hospice to your mom and once your mom passes, your dad could stay there alone. Like assisted living with hospice coming in to help mom. I think finding the right place for them to go would help alleviate some of your guilt.

Telling them you think your mom needs more comfort care at this stage could be your catalyst in the conversation.  I think if you wait until your mom passes, it will be more difficult for you and your dad to get him to move.

All of this stress is not good for your family.  Do the right thing for everyone involved...start visiting some AL facilities and see if they can accommodate your parents situation and even if they can't, they may have some suggestions.

Are you working from home? Are you all home all day? Too much togetherness!
1 - Ask your dad to participate in your Mom's daily care - washing her laundry, organizing her clothing, helping her get dressed, etc. Can he do that? Is he along for the ride or just expecting you to do all the work. And certainly, if he's able, don't do a physical thing for him - let him do his own laundry, clean his space, do his own dishes, etc. until he gets the picture that he contributes or he has no benefits. Also - how much is he aware of your Mom's condition? Is he silently grieving without anyone's recognition of that? You didn't say how much care your Mom needs, and if she's terminal, certainly Hospice could be arranged. Financially, can they contribute to hiring an aide for 2 -3 days a week for you Mom's care? Why should all of that fall on you?
2 - Your kids are 10 and 12 - do they have a regular list of chores and things to do around the house? Which one starts dinner while you are at work? Which one does laundry? Which one helps clean the house (common areas, not just their own rooms)? Do they help create a grocery list and shop with you? That can cut down the time spend in a grocery store, or do you have delivery? Your kids can be big helps without sacrificing any relationship with them. Setting expectations and goals are a good way to develop a cohesive family relationship.
3 - What is you husband doing? Working full time, and then "off the clock" for the rest of the time? Why are YOU worried so much about being a good parent and wife and daughter, without getting nothing in return.
4 - Seems to me a family meeting is long over due, and it may just open new doors for others to help. If they don't know how this is making you feel, then the responsibility is on you to bring it to light, because they will never see it. Make a list of what you need, share it with them, and let them know that you are all in this together, but the sharing needs to be more equitable. And learn to say NO - that is the most freeing thing in the world.

You are suffering from CAREGIVER BURNOUT. Believe me, it's real. I suffer from CONVERSION DISORDER; which can be brought on my too much stress. It has COMPLETELY affected my own health ~ physically, emotionally, and mentally. Once this happend; something HAD TO BE DONE. Don't let yourself get to this point. I would start looking into your father's insurance. See if he can be put into some type of Alzheimer's/Demential facility. Check out: ADULT FOSTER CARE HOMES. They're more ONE ON ONE with the patients. I hope this helps Overloaded 2021. ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) :)

I'm so sorry you're going through this! Can you get a sitter like Home Instead to come at least once a week for a few hours? I'm dealing with this too, as my 87 y/o dad, who is now bedridden with dementia, has been living with us for the last 3 years. My teenage granddaughter also lives with us. She has been doing online school, and my husband has been working from home. Do you work from home? I can't even imagine trying to hold a job, as being a caregiver is a physically and mentally demanding 24/7 job! I'm 56, and for the first time in my life, I was put on an antidepressant. I also feel like I am neglecting my own health, and I have an autoimmune disease. You need some "me" time away from them all! If you get sick, then what? I had a kidney infection last week, and it scared me, as I kept thinking, what if I get sick in bed? I know my husband isn't changing diapers! Take care of yourself first! I know it's easier said than done. You need to get some outside help. I would give your dad an ultimatum, either you have help come in that they pay for, or they will have to go to a home!

I can relate. I gave up my job to care for my father in law. He has dementia and parkinsons. I care for him 24/7 and have to do everything. I have little money, do not see anybody else. I drink to much to cope. I do not take care of myself, and sometimes I just wanna die. I had thought about suicide in past, but deep down that's not me. I do have breakdowns, but seems to occur if I have had too much to drink. I am 48, a male and desperate. And yes as you mentioned, covid on top of it all makes it worse. I just don't know anymore. Best wishes to you.

When one is this overwhelmed it is often hard to take steps to make necessary changes, because even THAT is overwhelming. Sit down and have a talk session with yourself. List what changes would make your situation more bearable and then what steps are needed. This will help you see that steps can be taken to make changes. If you don’t then things will continue in a downward spiral. You’ve already said it’s affecting your health. And even if they don’t mention it, you kids and marriage are being affected too.

I agree with others that hospice should be called in to assess your mom. As long as she is under your roof, your dad has no say in this matter. I also agree getting her into a facility would help you but I can see you aren’t willing to do that.

I suggest a family meeting. Sit down with everyone and do this after you’ve made your list. Tell the children about your feelings and ask them to help out. List the chores they can do to help you out. Your husband needs to pitch in. Your father needs to help. Give everyone "jobs" and take some of the burden off you!! Women are bad at wanting to be people pleasers and as you said make everyone happy. But this is unrealistic and self imposed. Setting boundaries is what you need to do and do it now. If you don’t, you will be causing your mental and physical health to get worse. This letter you wrote is a wake up call to yourself. Only you can change and make the decisions to help yourself get out of this muck. I wish you strength to do so. Keep in touch.

I feel your pain. Your mom is definitely ready for hospice. I’ve been in your shoes. What I’ve learned from people living longer is this: the NH industry has become a racket. Nobody can afford up to spend up to $9000 a month to place a parent in a facility with a 5-star chef...my mother has 6 teeth and is never hungry anyway. If this cautionary tale has taught us caregivers anything it’s this—we need to ensure we have long term care insurance for ourselves to avoid putting our own children through this situation down the road. Once we have our ducks in a row with our parents we need to do this for ourselves and our kids. So sorry for your pain and God bless you.