I feel horrible for being an old nag to my parent, and I've become impatient at times. I'm feeling so guilty. Advice?

Operator, you could tell him that people die in their homes from heat. I live in Vancouver, Canada and we had five days of the worst heat in Canadian history. Hundreds of seniors were found dead in their homes. Tell your Dad but for you the same unfortunate demise could befall him. He'll probably accuse you of nagging him but look at the alternative.

Yes, it's normal for your parents( hell anybody) to get on your nerves. Especially when they are elderly though. Maybe hold up on the advice (which he considers nagging) for a while and see what happens. Don't play his game.

You're not a nag. Anyone who has to repeat the same thing over and over again at some point is going to lose their patience. That's not nagging. That's being human and none of us are perfect.
Elderly people have an uncanny ability to really get on the nerves of even the most patient people because the "stubbornness" and often downright asinine nonsense gets to anyone at some point.
The only way to continue coping with it day to day to maintain your own sanity is to just ignore them sometimes.
Does your father live with you or by himself? If he lives in your house then the air conditioners and fans stay on. If he's cold he can put on a sweater. If he's in his own place and he likes it sweltering hot, then accept it. If he gets too hot, he'll put his AC on.
If he doesn't want to drink water or eat right, then you can't force him too. Ignore some of it, and whatever you do NEVER engage a senior about anything political or something you saw on the news. That's just asking for trouble.

He sounds a lot like the way my father was. I too would come across as a nag repeating myself; especially when I was trying to convince him his driving days were at an end - his hearing was essentially non-existent, his memory failing from dementia. He wouldn't use his walker - but furniture surf - causing him to fall. Getting him in and out of my car was torture. There was no way mom was touching the driving situation with a 10 foot pole - dad didn't do real well with mom making suggestions - so I became the focus of his displeasure. 2 years after he gave up his car, he continued to complain that I made him stop driving (while annoying, I could live with it as opposed to dad driving to the local store and ending up 2 or 3 states a way - or worse causing an accident and causing injury or death to himself or someone else). My dad did complain that I was too impatient with him, which did make me feel bad - I admit I tend to be task oriented and was often not as patient as I should have been. Plus dad could be really difficult - especially if his opinions were disagreed with.

I guess we now know how our parents felt when we were younger and they had to keep telling us the same thing over and over.

My advise - pick your battles and let the small stuff slide - and know depending on his age most of it should now be small stuff. I don't believe I read how old your father is - mine was in his late 80s. If it has to do with safety - by all means pursue it - but take a deep breath and say it kindly over and over and over again. If it's pie and ice cream for dinner - let it go - a good diet at this point is to what effect (now if he's in his 60s or early 70s - then maybe a better diet should be a concern)?

I imagine not many of us have escaped being short, frustrated or even angry at our parents while we try to keep them safe and protect them from themselves. Don't hang onto the guilt; give yourself a break and some grace and try to do better the next time. Remember to breathe and relax.

Huge giant hugs to you. What you're going through and how you're feeling are VERY normal.

You love your father and you want him to be well. You don't want him to end up sun-dried and delirious. Anything about that make you a bad daughter?

There is a lot to say about managing conflict, treading the fine line between caring for someone and trying to control them, all that hi-falutin' stuff. Nuts to it.

Today:

Get a good, easy-to-read room thermometer (you can get some pretty stylish ones, they shouldn't be expensive) and place it where you and your father can both see it from where he usually sits.

If the temperature is rising, by all means turn on the a/c and the fan. But skip the next part - DON'T say anything to him about it. Waste of breath. If he turns it/them off, turn them back on again next time you notice the gauge rising. Still don't say anything, because it will still be a waste of breath.

Leave him with a pitcher he can manage easily, containing something you know he likes drinking - water is best, I agree, but if he likes sodas or fruit drinks or root beer then try those.

Snacks to leave to hand: diced melon, apple, mango - anything juicy that you know he enjoys, in a dish, with a teaspoon or pickle fork next to it. Olives, pickles, tapas, consult his known preferences and then let your imagination roam free.

Ice cream and even pie (its filling, anyway) do count towards his fluid intake. For your own peace of mind, keep a journal and include Nutrition and Fluids. You'll probably find that when you add it all up he's taking in more than you realise.

All in all, do these good things for him and then leave it there. Worst that can happen is irritation when you empty the pitcher down the sink and throw away the uneaten snacks. But you won't have boxed his ears (metaphorically speaking, of course) and he won't have had any occasion to glower at you.

What it boils down to: do and say those things that you DO want to happen. Don't say (to him, at least) what he's doing wrong.

Try to avoid arguing when there is lack of reason. Just arrange what you need to.

Provide jug & glass of water within his reach. If water is not prefered, offer juice or cordials as well.

Set the aircon & fans on. Consider taping over the switches to make it hard for him to turn off.

His sulks are his concern. Ignore.

Too much togetherness as NeedHelp says.

What hobbies or interests do you have for yourself?

Honestly sounds like it may be time for AL or Memory Care. If he's not a danger to himself living alone already, he likely will be soon. Not hydrating yourself properly can be very dangerous, especially when you factor in the poor diet and heat issues.

My parents are deceased now. My dad died many years ago and my mom died recently.

I can tell though, if is completely normal to work on each other’s nerves! It doesn’t matter how much we love someone, we can have differing opinions, different personalities and so on. We can simply be tired of being a caregiver. Do you have any help with your caregiving responsibilities?

Too much togetherness can cause our nerves to become frayed. Do you have time for yourself or time alone with your husband, family members and friends?

By the way, your husband is most likely correct in his observation of your behavior regarding your relationship with your dad. I know that my husband picked up on a lot of my behavior and would lovingly mention certain things to me. Sometimes, I agreed with him and recognized what he observed, other times, I couldn’t see anything. I was on autopilot, just going through the motions.

You know, if you sense that you are hovering a bit too much, try easing up a bit. I absolutely hate if someone hovers over me. There is a difference between being concerned and smothering someone. You don’t have a reason to feel guilty. I think you are sad that things are different than in the past and you are blaming yourself. No one is to blame, least of all you. You are your dad’s loving daughter and caregiver.

I wish you peace and joy as you navigate your way through this challenging time in your life.