I feel horrible for being an old nag to my parent, and I've become impatient at times. I'm feeling so guilty. Advice?

My parents are deceased now. My dad died many years ago and my mom died recently.

I can tell though, if is completely normal to work on each other’s nerves! It doesn’t matter how much we love someone, we can have differing opinions, different personalities and so on. We can simply be tired of being a caregiver. Do you have any help with your caregiving responsibilities?

Too much togetherness can cause our nerves to become frayed. Do you have time for yourself or time alone with your husband, family members and friends?

By the way, your husband is most likely correct in his observation of your behavior regarding your relationship with your dad. I know that my husband picked up on a lot of my behavior and would lovingly mention certain things to me. Sometimes, I agreed with him and recognized what he observed, other times, I couldn’t see anything. I was on autopilot, just going through the motions.

You know, if you sense that you are hovering a bit too much, try easing up a bit. I absolutely hate if someone hovers over me. There is a difference between being concerned and smothering someone. You don’t have a reason to feel guilty. I think you are sad that things are different than in the past and you are blaming yourself. No one is to blame, least of all you. You are your dad’s loving daughter and caregiver.

I wish you peace and joy as you navigate your way through this challenging time in your life.

Honestly sounds like it may be time for AL or Memory Care. If he's not a danger to himself living alone already, he likely will be soon. Not hydrating yourself properly can be very dangerous, especially when you factor in the poor diet and heat issues.

Try to avoid arguing when there is lack of reason. Just arrange what you need to.

Provide jug & glass of water within his reach. If water is not prefered, offer juice or cordials as well.

Set the aircon & fans on. Consider taping over the switches to make it hard for him to turn off.

His sulks are his concern. Ignore.

Too much togetherness as NeedHelp says.

What hobbies or interests do you have for yourself?

Huge giant hugs to you. What you're going through and how you're feeling are VERY normal.

You love your father and you want him to be well. You don't want him to end up sun-dried and delirious. Anything about that make you a bad daughter?

There is a lot to say about managing conflict, treading the fine line between caring for someone and trying to control them, all that hi-falutin' stuff. Nuts to it.

Today:

Get a good, easy-to-read room thermometer (you can get some pretty stylish ones, they shouldn't be expensive) and place it where you and your father can both see it from where he usually sits.

If the temperature is rising, by all means turn on the a/c and the fan. But skip the next part - DON'T say anything to him about it. Waste of breath. If he turns it/them off, turn them back on again next time you notice the gauge rising. Still don't say anything, because it will still be a waste of breath.

Leave him with a pitcher he can manage easily, containing something you know he likes drinking - water is best, I agree, but if he likes sodas or fruit drinks or root beer then try those.

Snacks to leave to hand: diced melon, apple, mango - anything juicy that you know he enjoys, in a dish, with a teaspoon or pickle fork next to it. Olives, pickles, tapas, consult his known preferences and then let your imagination roam free.

Ice cream and even pie (its filling, anyway) do count towards his fluid intake. For your own peace of mind, keep a journal and include Nutrition and Fluids. You'll probably find that when you add it all up he's taking in more than you realise.

All in all, do these good things for him and then leave it there. Worst that can happen is irritation when you empty the pitcher down the sink and throw away the uneaten snacks. But you won't have boxed his ears (metaphorically speaking, of course) and he won't have had any occasion to glower at you.

What it boils down to: do and say those things that you DO want to happen. Don't say (to him, at least) what he's doing wrong.

He sounds a lot like the way my father was. I too would come across as a nag repeating myself; especially when I was trying to convince him his driving days were at an end - his hearing was essentially non-existent, his memory failing from dementia. He wouldn't use his walker - but furniture surf - causing him to fall. Getting him in and out of my car was torture. There was no way mom was touching the driving situation with a 10 foot pole - dad didn't do real well with mom making suggestions - so I became the focus of his displeasure. 2 years after he gave up his car, he continued to complain that I made him stop driving (while annoying, I could live with it as opposed to dad driving to the local store and ending up 2 or 3 states a way - or worse causing an accident and causing injury or death to himself or someone else). My dad did complain that I was too impatient with him, which did make me feel bad - I admit I tend to be task oriented and was often not as patient as I should have been. Plus dad could be really difficult - especially if his opinions were disagreed with.

I guess we now know how our parents felt when we were younger and they had to keep telling us the same thing over and over.

My advise - pick your battles and let the small stuff slide - and know depending on his age most of it should now be small stuff. I don't believe I read how old your father is - mine was in his late 80s. If it has to do with safety - by all means pursue it - but take a deep breath and say it kindly over and over and over again. If it's pie and ice cream for dinner - let it go - a good diet at this point is to what effect (now if he's in his 60s or early 70s - then maybe a better diet should be a concern)?

I imagine not many of us have escaped being short, frustrated or even angry at our parents while we try to keep them safe and protect them from themselves. Don't hang onto the guilt; give yourself a break and some grace and try to do better the next time. Remember to breathe and relax.

You're not a nag. Anyone who has to repeat the same thing over and over again at some point is going to lose their patience. That's not nagging. That's being human and none of us are perfect.
Elderly people have an uncanny ability to really get on the nerves of even the most patient people because the "stubbornness" and often downright asinine nonsense gets to anyone at some point.
The only way to continue coping with it day to day to maintain your own sanity is to just ignore them sometimes.
Does your father live with you or by himself? If he lives in your house then the air conditioners and fans stay on. If he's cold he can put on a sweater. If he's in his own place and he likes it sweltering hot, then accept it. If he gets too hot, he'll put his AC on.
If he doesn't want to drink water or eat right, then you can't force him too. Ignore some of it, and whatever you do NEVER engage a senior about anything political or something you saw on the news. That's just asking for trouble.

Operator, you could tell him that people die in their homes from heat. I live in Vancouver, Canada and we had five days of the worst heat in Canadian history. Hundreds of seniors were found dead in their homes. Tell your Dad but for you the same unfortunate demise could befall him. He'll probably accuse you of nagging him but look at the alternative.

Yes, it's normal for your parents( hell anybody) to get on your nerves. Especially when they are elderly though. Maybe hold up on the advice (which he considers nagging) for a while and see what happens. Don't play his game.

Fifty degrees Celsius they reported on the news last night, Gershun - insane. Not survivable! Is the heat beginning to ease off?

I saw that! Just crazy awful!

A catastrophic bush fire (wildfire) years ago here killed many. Was reported the city morgues were already full due to the 12 day heatwave that precluded it.

🙏

Operator, I hope you don't mind but I referenced your thread on this one;

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-to-avoid-dominance-battles-with-the-elderly-468396.htm

I'm sure that op shares your frustration.

Hey Countrymouse it's much cooler today. Thankfully! But very sad news about elderly people found dead in their homes. I couldn't stop thinking about it last night.

There are covers that can be put over the thermostat and locked. Then he can't play around with them. We had them at work because the employees used to play with the thermostat.

My thermostat can be set for the heat/ac to go up and down at certain times of the day. For heat, it goes lower while we sleep and goes back up when we wake up. A/C I have set for one temp but can be adjusted too.

So sorry! I totally understand..my patience wears so thin. My mom who is in an assisted living now will shower alone at 4am..saying there is no staff!! Even though they can do it at 5-6am.. She can not walk well without a walker let alone shower alone. She has passed out in a shower before. I finally have decided I will not comment. Talking to her leads to more excuses why she has to do it. The lack of her insight into safety issues has plagued me for 3 years..I wish I had a magic answer on how to avoid getting irritated or less impatient....even with mom now in assisted living I get the feelings but so much less…She is too cold all the time..yet her room is oppressively warm. She wears a winter sweater coat in public when it is 88 out. I choose to let staff be responsible to convince her..I remind myself this is the disease..certainly of dementia but perhaps even of aging,,,We always say it is like mom is 13 again.. I personally could not live with this in my house..My counselor last year told me “It is not your job to keep your mom happy..your job is to provide a roof, safety and keep her well fed”. We chose an assisted living situation. Good luck..

I feel your pain, if someone has dementia/Alzheimer's this behavior is normal and for you to get frustrated is also normal. It is exhausting to as you say nag about this and that. From the conversation, I am assuming that your dad lives in the house with you. I had a similar instance with my dad, as far as the heat/cooling in the house, get a locking thermostat cover and put the key in a place where your dad can't get at it. While I got this particular unit to keep my dad from turning off the air/heat there are many others out there for purchase. My dad never told me he loved me either, don't let it get to you, it could be in all honesty that he can't think of a response due to a lack of ability to really comprehend what is being said to him. Alzheimer's and dementia do some pretty weird stuff to the brain, while he may have smart comments that does not mean his brain is actually working on all cylinders. My dad used to have some awful responses to things such as if a person wore a beard he was unfit to live in this world as he is a scruffy bum. Doesn't he know how to use a razor, he is a disgrace.
Many people feel obligated to care for their aging parents, however, it can cause emotional and physical strife that is very hard to recover from. The only thing you need to do is make sure that he has a roof over his head, keep him as safe as possible, and if for some reason this becomes too much for you, seek out an elder care facility/home which is better equipped to care for his mental decline. It won't be an easy decision, however, your mental and physical wellbeing will be better addressed. I don't know if your dad is on medications, but is he taking them? My dad was faking he was taking them and did it very well. I finally had to get it to him via any means possible until I decided I could no longer keep up with the continual care. Best wishes. See link for the thermostat locking cover. https://www.lowes.com/pd/Honeywell-6-5-in-x-7-25-in-Plastic-Lockable-Rectangle-Thermostat-Cover/1260737?cm_mmc=shp-_-c-_-prd-_-plb-_-google-_-lia-_-171-_-thermostats-_-1260737-_-0&placeholder=null&ds_rl=1286981&gclid=Cj0KCQjw24qHBhCnARIsAPbdtlIq8C2V6nqTzRdMluRL-m1h66ZLyGfiI19gkmjR-XH2u-lpxz9SgqgaAqFcEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

Your father is at least as determined to not spend money on fans and air conditioning as you are to make sure the living environment is cool enough to be safe.
His ability to taste and enjoy food is deteriorating with a taste for sweets being the strongest taste left. It is very common for older people to gravitate to sweets and not care much about anything else.
There is no point in arguing with him or trying to persuade him to keep the cooling on and to eat a more balanced diet. Is your father living with you or you with him? Just do your own best to keep the cooling on and to provide proper nutrition. Try to make healthy foods tasty and fun so he will eat at least some of them before he gets "dessert. "
Don't do much talking (reminding, arguing, nagging) about how things should be. Just do them yourself and realize you will have to re-do the same things over and over. Does he need supervision for the activities you are inclined to warn him to be careful about? If he is capable and cognitively intact, let him do those things just like he has done them all hos life without your input. If there are activities he should not do alone, go with him or arrange for help.

Yes, everybody - adults and children alike - can get on your nerves. May I kindly suggest that you and your parent are on a merry-go-round that leads to frustration.

Consider what conditions need to be met for your parent's health - environment, nutrition and fluids. rest, hygiene... Focus most of your energy on those.

Consider what behaviors he does that are counterproductive and how to mitigate them without resorting to nagging/scolding. Maybe diverting his attention to other activities would help. Maybe "hiding" controls so he can't adjust them. Maybe move furniture to keep him from easily accessing controls.

Consider creating a routine that is sustainable. If you want him to eat his meals and not sweets, then don't offer sweets. If he is not eating a huge amount of "regular meals" consider making the portions smaller and supplement with dietary supplements - nutrition shakes and bars - between meals. Be creative; you can do this!

Also consider creating time periods daily and weekly where you are not responsible for his care. You need enough "time" to sleep 7-9 hours every day, eat 3 healthy meals at a reasonable pace, meet your health and hygiene needs, and to do things you enjoy with people you enjoy. Ask family, friends,membersof your faith community to help. Hire help if you must.

When good people feel guilt it is probably because you are not appreciated. You are human... most of us who are caregivers feel this way. When you stop doing so much they will appreciate you more but only if they are capable of that. He probably forgets about it as soon as you leave and yet you have to carry that burden with you. Spend more time with hubby and less time with him he sounds like the better man.

Your situation is a tough one- I’ve been there. It often feels thankless, sometimes futile, completely draining and sad. With that said it might also be the most important thing one can possibly do. Anyone can caregive when everything is great; it when things start declining quickly that it becomes more difficult. We want to permanently fix or cure problems and dementia doesn’t allow for that. We have to do the best we can with grace & love in our heart. As frustrating and sometimes scary as it is, know that it’s amplified greatly for our afflicted loved one. Owen Darnell wrote a beautiful poem entitled Do Not Ask Me to Remember. I read it often during very trying days! Good luck, am sending you prayers and thanks for what you do!

That could be my mom in a heartbeat! She is 86 with dementia and my dad is 89 with severe clogging of the main valve in his heart. They still live alone and regardless of whatt I, their Dr's say, they are keeping it that way. When I arrive the condo is hot and oppressive!! I just go turn the ac on. My mom won't a low the fans to be on and if I run an errand the AC gets turned off. So I just turn it back on. Of course then my mom complains that it's too cold. I offer her, her sweater or throw and she always says no!! I finally told her that she can't be that cold then. It's a game but while she sits and does nothing for herself, I'm sweating from the chores that need to be done. She just asks me why I sweat so much when it's obvious the work I'm doing. Their bathroom grows mold so quickly and I'm sure it's because of the warm environment. We live in FL. and I'm really bracing for the heat.
I read that you can't argue, make sense or reason with someone with dementia and it made me take a step back. There is no point of waisting time on it. I was the nag and still am to a degree when it comes to their health and safety. I just mostly wanted you to know that you are not alone here with your thoughts. You are a good daughter to care about your dad and what happens with him. All we can do is our best!!!!

Maybe this will help: lower the bar.

Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.

Remember the serenity prayer:

Ask your God to grant you the serenity
to accept the things you cannot change,
the courage to change the things you can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

You have already changed the things you can.

I expect you already know what you cannot: you just described it above.

So, let the rest go. Accept that he is calling the shots.

And say hello to serenity.

You are allowed to do this.

Please don't feel guilty. Give yourself a break. You are doing the best you can. Period.

My mom (96) and I went to dinner and a fireworks show last night, and in the 45 minutes we sat outside waiting for the fireworks to start, Mom asked me 18 times where her purse was. After the first 9 times, I looked her directly in her eyes, and said MOM, PLEASE REMEMBER I have your purse. She was good another 2-3 minutes and then ....it started again.

Yes, I lose my patience sometimes, too. But we just keep going on doing our best. And that's just the way it is.

Feel this way most days. Thank you for the question and answers!!

What you are feeling is very normal. I take care of my husband with dementia. I pray every day for kindness and patience. Most of the time he is very happy wherever his mind has gone to. However, there are days when he doesn't want to eat a regular meal (sweets are always okay). A few times, he will not want his medications. Since he has lost control over most aspects of his life, I think he feels he can control what he eats or if he will take his medications or not. Our weather here has been very hot and he always complains of being cold. It may be that this is part of the disease. Don't feel guilty, you are not doing anything wrong, you are just human.

You should stop the nagging now!
As far as the AC, buy and install a plastic lock case that goes over the Thermastat. Have a soft thro close by so when your Dad's cold he can use it. The Best temp setting for old people is 76-78.

Put a clear plastic Thermastat Lock Cover over the ceiling fan switches too.

I don't have a ceiling fan right over my 97 yr old Dad because it drys his eyes out and actually I don't like sitting directly under my ceiling fan either.

Don't worry about the little stuff!

Your Dad at his age should be allowed to eat anything he wants.
He needs to live his last years out in peace.

Just Be Glad he is still eating and drinking.

If he wants to just eat pie then go buy the most nutritious pies out there and hopefully he'll drink milk with it for his protein.

If you stop bothering him you will both be much happier.

Only do something about the things that effect you directly, like the AC.

I just want to reiterate that your feelings are normal (however, 'normal' is a setting on your dryer... that's a book title in case you didn't know. I love it. There's another by same author that I like too: "Stick a Geranium in Your Hat and Be Happy".). Anyway, even though I know it's normal it does not make it any less frustrating.
I know I'm a control freak (and proud of it.... all would be chaos without me LOL). I also know my Dad whom I care for (lives with me) can't remember crap and does AND SAYS the same stupid things over and over. Mostly he's a safety risk to himself as he can't remember that he can't get up and walk (he's in wheel chair) or go outside on his own, etc. I try to find things he CAN do safely but then he loses interest or can't remember how unless I sit with him to do and I don't have time to do that.
He says same things over and over which drives me nuts. I'm gradually learning to just say 'yeh, mmm, oh' and let it go but it still bugs me A LOT. He will keep talking to me even when I've left the room or when someone else is talking. When we are in the car he reads EVERY road sign (which has gotten us on the wrong road at times). Interestingly I recall my mom ignoring him when we were in the car so now I know why. ..and that this will not change so I am "working on" changing.
He, too, is always cold so I have lap blankets by his chair, set out long sleeved shirts for him and turn on the fan for me. Fortunately the thermostat is in my bedroom so he does not have access. I like the idea of a lock on it though (or move location).
He eats good (more than I eat) but also a sweet tooth. I don't feel it is ok to just eat sweets as it affects health and causes more problems (like diabetes). His doc helped when I mentioned it to her. She wrote him an actual prescription saying he could have 2 cookies or one brownie or one piece of cake/pie daily (but no more). So when he wanted more I just show him the rx and she's the 'bad guy' (& he adores her).
He does get irritated (and literally growls) when I remind him to drink. It helps to put sf crystal light in his water as that makes it sweet.
I do let him do as much as he can for himself even though it takes FOREVER. AND it is frustrating when my sister visits as she does everything for him and treats him like a child which he enjoys, of course; but that does not help him. I try to politely verbalize this; but I have a HUGE issue with my tone of voice reflecting my feelings (which are usually negative).
I am sad (and frustrated) that I see a different side of Dad that others don't see. My childish impressions of him are replaced by reality. A lot I can see have always been there but not obvious to me as a daughter vs caregiver and him living with me. SO I just want to say, "STAY ENCOURAGED". Do what you can but leave the rest.

Boy can I relate! My father was also stubborn and an introvert. Sometimes I would end up screaming at him, even though I knew darn well that would make him no more likely to do what he needed to. And yes, I always felt tremendously guilty afterwards.
At one point when his iron was low, I was a relentless nag about eating high iron foods. He was exhausted and didn't want to eat anything. A few days later, it became clear that he had major digestive issues, and was right to refuse food, high iron or otherwise. I felt so bad for all that cajoling! When I apologized for being a nag, he just smiled at me and said "oh, you're not a nag". I think under all that stubbornness he knew I was doing it out of love.

Oh my gosh, you sound like me! I feel guilty, frustrated and depressed too. I’m the caregiver for my 91 year old Mom for the last 12 years. I moved her out here when my Dad died. I am also impatient with her and do the same things you do. Same issues, air conditioner, fan, eating healthier things and drinking water. She lives in a nice senior living place now but still wants to be with me all the time. I don’t know why anyone would want to be with me. I just pray everyday for patience and compassion. She is manipulative and needy and I feel trapped. No easy answer but I’m lucky she is not living with me. I wish I had some better solutions for u but keep reading stories on this website. You will find compassion here. I have vowed not to do this to my children. I’ve already told them I will have paid caregivers or move to a senior living place with different levels of care. We just all do the best we can. You are normal. 😊

You need a break from caretaking. Can you hire someone or have a family member step in for you? Both your dad and you will be happier to see each other after the break.

Also recognize that his body has changed. His internal thermostat doesn’t mirror yours- especially if he has circulation problems. You don’t want him to be unsafe - but remember that you also want him to be comfortable. Mom had circulation issues and wore sweaters during the summer to take off the chill, even when it was hot outside.

His taste buds have changed too. If he is happy, a piece of pie is fine. Someday when I’m there, I’ll want the pie over the meatloaf myself.

Someday you’ll want to remember how you made him happy - not how you “corrected” his behavior.

Dont forget to give him a hug and share some laughs. Getting old is hard.

Imho, an elder can pass away from heat stroke. It is IMPERATIVE that you put a lock in some fashion to prevent him from turning the air conditioning off. Many elders in Canada recently succumbed to a record setting heat wave.

You can tell him a million times in a million creative ways that the AC and fans need to be on but he’s never going to remember it. It’s the same thing for everything you want him to remember. So choose your battles and the AC and fan battle, you will never win. Surrender and quietly turn them back on yourself.
You’ll both be happier.