I feel horrible for being an old nag to my parent, and I've become impatient at times. I'm feeling so guilty. Advice?

I wanted to clarify some issues and explain a bit further. My Dad was diagnosed with Dementia; however, he has been stable and seems to remember many things. And has not progressed. I sometimes wonder if he has been misdiagnosed. He was dealing with some stress due to my Mom's health when the doctors diagnosed him. He was always lazy and not domesticated. My Mom did everything for him. I am not using this to excuse why I tend to nag or become frustrated, impatient.  He was always very cheap and stingy and frequently gave you a look, and it always made you feel stupid or uncomfortable. He always had a smart comment when he was younger, and it would be direct, with no tone behind it. He is an extreme introvert. He never tells me he loves me back when I tell him I love him. He did the same thing to my Mom when she told him she loved him. Even before he was diagnosed. And yes, I feel horrible as I tend to nag too much with many worries. I feel like I'm not good enough because I lose my patience by repeating and answering with a frustrated tone of voice. I know I can be a perfectionist and a controlling person trying to have everything go right and need to back off. On the other hand, he can be so stubborn staring back at me, gunning me off, or he can sulk at times. He has always been stubborn and an introvert. When he sulks, I feel so bad and apologize; however, he can sometimes play on it. Also, he is a good man. Don't receive me wrong he had excellent advice to give when I needed it. It is the guilt that eats me, and I know it somehow is related to my Mom's Catholic background of her pushing it on me. Although now he is eating a little better as the weather has cooled down, I say eat what you can, and I've changed his diet and menu.

The day comes when you have to admit that this is not the parent you knew. This is an aging person, losing their memory and all sense of logic.
He can't say I love you back but hold the memories of the times he did. He would wish that he still could if his brain still worked.
It is weird to be in the role of care giver to someone who raised you. It isnt like a child and parent in reverse. It is hard work emotionally and physically.
Your nagging is your frustration. Find an outlet and time for you. It isnt good for your health. It will bring you to a bitter attitude. Help yourself from that.
Your nagging will not make him do what you want. Prioritize and pick your battles. See what can be done differently to save you from asking him to do/not do something. Try a bit of juice in with the water so it tastes better. If he wants to eat only pie, let him. ( or dont keep pie in the house)
Best wishes to you. Recognize this is hard and some days are sad, every day is a new day to try again.

It's all difficult... I know it all so well... We just have to try our best...I've been so guilt ridden throughout the years with all this tug and pull... but, now our parent(s) are extremely frail and old... It's so good you're on here (and me) so we can try and get advise and vent at the same time. Sending you and your family lots of Love.

He's elderly, has dementia, and isn't going to remember what you tell him. As many have answered, the elderly get cold very easily. I'd recommend not setting the temperature low if you put a lock on the control. As far as him eating sweets, let him.

It's a relief to know that I'm not the only caregiver that is going through this. I use to fuss at my mother about her diet but not any more. She will soon be 87 and she got this far without eating healthy why start now? She would rather take a pill for her cholesterol than eat veggies. It is what it is! Her home is stifling hot but when I visit she turns on the air. She doesn't come to my house because it's not her nest so I just keep her comfy and move on.

The problem with ac is he is cold and you are hot. Get him in to warmer things to wear - thicker tshirts, long sleeve. Have blankets or throws near his chair. All my siblings keep their ac as low as it goes. It is painful to sit in their house. The weirdest part to me is they get it polar bear cold and cover up with blankets. I am the caregiver for parent and, thankfully, we both tend to be cold - so I can deal with keeping it a little warmer inside. I turn it lower when I know others are coming or as soon as I see them drive up. I also bought vent covers that redirect the cold air away from her. In the winter I turn it around so the hot blows at her. They are clear plastic and have magnets that attach to the vent. Very easy.

The no response when you say you love him? That doesn't come natural to everyone if they haven't done it all their life. Next time things are going well, just talk to him. Ask him if he loves you. No expect is as a reply - just ask him. You may both be able to express love to each other during the conversation. You have been a great father...I always loved it when you did XX...etc.

Your profile says dementia, so try to understand repeating yourself isn't going to help. You need to cut back on it. He won't retain what you've said. Rather than directing him to do things, which he may balk at, stick to the most important things that he can manage, and when possible, make offerings/suggestions rather than directives. For instance, instead of harping on him to drink and the repercussions for not drinking, just provide a beverage, preferably something he likes and/or offer a choice of beverage. If he doesn't choose one, just put something out for him and leave it.

There are several choices for the AC situation, but telling him not to touch it isn't one of them! JoAnn29 offered one possible solution. Search for "thermostat cover lock" shows several for under $20. This is the cheapest and easiest solution. Another solution is to replace the current one with something like the Nest. My mother had a regular one, which had several settings/times, but a manual heat/cool switch. I stopped by once and augh, while I don't care for very cold AC, her place was like a sauna and she didn't even notice it! I flipped the switch to AC and it took time to get the place more comfortable! YB replaced it with the Nest. He could monitor and make changes remotely via WiFi. It's possible he's turning the AC off because he's cold. The residents in mom's MC were ALWAYS cold, whether it was winter or summer! Once you can lock the thermostat, compromise on the setting - perhaps a bit warmer than you like, but you can adjust YOUR clothing.

If he's eating some, that's a plus. Perhaps adjusting his meals so they are a little "sweeter", to entice him to eat more might help. Many elders do like their sweets, but it'd be nice to get a little more healthy food in first! If you can work it out, great, otherwise, let him eat what little he will and provide his "sweets."

If you insist on discussing news or politics, he has every right to his "opinion", no? Smart aleck comment or not, it's his right. If you don't like what he thinks or has to say, then don't bring up the topics!

"..he never tells me he loves me back when I tell him I love him."

This is your expectation. It's best to just keep telling him you love him, give him hugs or a hand squeeze and let it go.

"I feel horrible as I tend to nag too much with many worries, constantly reminding him to be careful of almost every situation."

As mentioned above, you are repeating all this and it's going in one ear, out the other. Why not just stop? You are losing patience because he doesn't seem to comply. It isn't him trying to be difficult, it's just how it is. The only time you need to step in is if you think he's in some danger and it should be to gently guide him away from whatever it is, then redirect his attention elsewhere. It'll take practice, but can be done.

It has nothing to do with you being good enough or a control freak or anything like that. He can't retain what you're repeating to him and in many cases the staring, sulking, etc is really just his inability to process what you are saying or asking for.

Practice greeting him, not repeating directions. That time is past. Smile. Touch. Ask if he needs/wants anything. Keep statements simple and bland. Sure, it's boring, but he really can't be/do what you want. He lives in a different reality, so you have to meet him there.

It's not babying him, but you're expecting more than he can manage. Get the thermostat lock. Practice reticence when you feel the need to tell him what to do, not to do, what the consequences will be, etc. It's like dealing with a toddler, who hasn't learned yet and who's mind wanders easily. Don't treat him like a baby, but don't treat him like a fully functioning adult. His mind really can't handle that.

If you slip into reminder modes at times, don't feel guilty. It'll take time/practice to get into the new mode! Keep conversations minimal, ask about the past, let him "drive" the train, so to speak.

You can tell him a million times in a million creative ways that the AC and fans need to be on but he’s never going to remember it. It’s the same thing for everything you want him to remember. So choose your battles and the AC and fan battle, you will never win. Surrender and quietly turn them back on yourself.
You’ll both be happier.

Imho, an elder can pass away from heat stroke. It is IMPERATIVE that you put a lock in some fashion to prevent him from turning the air conditioning off. Many elders in Canada recently succumbed to a record setting heat wave.

You need a break from caretaking. Can you hire someone or have a family member step in for you? Both your dad and you will be happier to see each other after the break.

Also recognize that his body has changed. His internal thermostat doesn’t mirror yours- especially if he has circulation problems. You don’t want him to be unsafe - but remember that you also want him to be comfortable. Mom had circulation issues and wore sweaters during the summer to take off the chill, even when it was hot outside.

His taste buds have changed too. If he is happy, a piece of pie is fine. Someday when I’m there, I’ll want the pie over the meatloaf myself.

Someday you’ll want to remember how you made him happy - not how you “corrected” his behavior.

Dont forget to give him a hug and share some laughs. Getting old is hard.

Oh my gosh, you sound like me! I feel guilty, frustrated and depressed too. I’m the caregiver for my 91 year old Mom for the last 12 years. I moved her out here when my Dad died. I am also impatient with her and do the same things you do. Same issues, air conditioner, fan, eating healthier things and drinking water. She lives in a nice senior living place now but still wants to be with me all the time. I don’t know why anyone would want to be with me. I just pray everyday for patience and compassion. She is manipulative and needy and I feel trapped. No easy answer but I’m lucky she is not living with me. I wish I had some better solutions for u but keep reading stories on this website. You will find compassion here. I have vowed not to do this to my children. I’ve already told them I will have paid caregivers or move to a senior living place with different levels of care. We just all do the best we can. You are normal. 😊

Boy can I relate! My father was also stubborn and an introvert. Sometimes I would end up screaming at him, even though I knew darn well that would make him no more likely to do what he needed to. And yes, I always felt tremendously guilty afterwards.
At one point when his iron was low, I was a relentless nag about eating high iron foods. He was exhausted and didn't want to eat anything. A few days later, it became clear that he had major digestive issues, and was right to refuse food, high iron or otherwise. I felt so bad for all that cajoling! When I apologized for being a nag, he just smiled at me and said "oh, you're not a nag". I think under all that stubbornness he knew I was doing it out of love.

I just want to reiterate that your feelings are normal (however, 'normal' is a setting on your dryer... that's a book title in case you didn't know. I love it. There's another by same author that I like too: "Stick a Geranium in Your Hat and Be Happy".). Anyway, even though I know it's normal it does not make it any less frustrating.
I know I'm a control freak (and proud of it.... all would be chaos without me LOL). I also know my Dad whom I care for (lives with me) can't remember crap and does AND SAYS the same stupid things over and over. Mostly he's a safety risk to himself as he can't remember that he can't get up and walk (he's in wheel chair) or go outside on his own, etc. I try to find things he CAN do safely but then he loses interest or can't remember how unless I sit with him to do and I don't have time to do that.
He says same things over and over which drives me nuts. I'm gradually learning to just say 'yeh, mmm, oh' and let it go but it still bugs me A LOT. He will keep talking to me even when I've left the room or when someone else is talking. When we are in the car he reads EVERY road sign (which has gotten us on the wrong road at times). Interestingly I recall my mom ignoring him when we were in the car so now I know why. ..and that this will not change so I am "working on" changing.
He, too, is always cold so I have lap blankets by his chair, set out long sleeved shirts for him and turn on the fan for me. Fortunately the thermostat is in my bedroom so he does not have access. I like the idea of a lock on it though (or move location).
He eats good (more than I eat) but also a sweet tooth. I don't feel it is ok to just eat sweets as it affects health and causes more problems (like diabetes). His doc helped when I mentioned it to her. She wrote him an actual prescription saying he could have 2 cookies or one brownie or one piece of cake/pie daily (but no more). So when he wanted more I just show him the rx and she's the 'bad guy' (& he adores her).
He does get irritated (and literally growls) when I remind him to drink. It helps to put sf crystal light in his water as that makes it sweet.
I do let him do as much as he can for himself even though it takes FOREVER. AND it is frustrating when my sister visits as she does everything for him and treats him like a child which he enjoys, of course; but that does not help him. I try to politely verbalize this; but I have a HUGE issue with my tone of voice reflecting my feelings (which are usually negative).
I am sad (and frustrated) that I see a different side of Dad that others don't see. My childish impressions of him are replaced by reality. A lot I can see have always been there but not obvious to me as a daughter vs caregiver and him living with me. SO I just want to say, "STAY ENCOURAGED". Do what you can but leave the rest.

You should stop the nagging now!
As far as the AC, buy and install a plastic lock case that goes over the Thermastat. Have a soft thro close by so when your Dad's cold he can use it. The Best temp setting for old people is 76-78.

Put a clear plastic Thermastat Lock Cover over the ceiling fan switches too.

I don't have a ceiling fan right over my 97 yr old Dad because it drys his eyes out and actually I don't like sitting directly under my ceiling fan either.

Don't worry about the little stuff!

Your Dad at his age should be allowed to eat anything he wants.
He needs to live his last years out in peace.

Just Be Glad he is still eating and drinking.

If he wants to just eat pie then go buy the most nutritious pies out there and hopefully he'll drink milk with it for his protein.

If you stop bothering him you will both be much happier.

Only do something about the things that effect you directly, like the AC.

What you are feeling is very normal. I take care of my husband with dementia. I pray every day for kindness and patience. Most of the time he is very happy wherever his mind has gone to. However, there are days when he doesn't want to eat a regular meal (sweets are always okay). A few times, he will not want his medications. Since he has lost control over most aspects of his life, I think he feels he can control what he eats or if he will take his medications or not. Our weather here has been very hot and he always complains of being cold. It may be that this is part of the disease. Don't feel guilty, you are not doing anything wrong, you are just human.

Feel this way most days. Thank you for the question and answers!!

Please don't feel guilty. Give yourself a break. You are doing the best you can. Period.

My mom (96) and I went to dinner and a fireworks show last night, and in the 45 minutes we sat outside waiting for the fireworks to start, Mom asked me 18 times where her purse was. After the first 9 times, I looked her directly in her eyes, and said MOM, PLEASE REMEMBER I have your purse. She was good another 2-3 minutes and then ....it started again.

Yes, I lose my patience sometimes, too. But we just keep going on doing our best. And that's just the way it is.

Maybe this will help: lower the bar.

Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.

Remember the serenity prayer:

Ask your God to grant you the serenity
to accept the things you cannot change,
the courage to change the things you can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

You have already changed the things you can.

I expect you already know what you cannot: you just described it above.

So, let the rest go. Accept that he is calling the shots.

And say hello to serenity.

You are allowed to do this.

That could be my mom in a heartbeat! She is 86 with dementia and my dad is 89 with severe clogging of the main valve in his heart. They still live alone and regardless of whatt I, their Dr's say, they are keeping it that way. When I arrive the condo is hot and oppressive!! I just go turn the ac on. My mom won't a low the fans to be on and if I run an errand the AC gets turned off. So I just turn it back on. Of course then my mom complains that it's too cold. I offer her, her sweater or throw and she always says no!! I finally told her that she can't be that cold then. It's a game but while she sits and does nothing for herself, I'm sweating from the chores that need to be done. She just asks me why I sweat so much when it's obvious the work I'm doing. Their bathroom grows mold so quickly and I'm sure it's because of the warm environment. We live in FL. and I'm really bracing for the heat.
I read that you can't argue, make sense or reason with someone with dementia and it made me take a step back. There is no point of waisting time on it. I was the nag and still am to a degree when it comes to their health and safety. I just mostly wanted you to know that you are not alone here with your thoughts. You are a good daughter to care about your dad and what happens with him. All we can do is our best!!!!

Your situation is a tough one- I’ve been there. It often feels thankless, sometimes futile, completely draining and sad. With that said it might also be the most important thing one can possibly do. Anyone can caregive when everything is great; it when things start declining quickly that it becomes more difficult. We want to permanently fix or cure problems and dementia doesn’t allow for that. We have to do the best we can with grace & love in our heart. As frustrating and sometimes scary as it is, know that it’s amplified greatly for our afflicted loved one. Owen Darnell wrote a beautiful poem entitled Do Not Ask Me to Remember. I read it often during very trying days! Good luck, am sending you prayers and thanks for what you do!

When good people feel guilt it is probably because you are not appreciated. You are human... most of us who are caregivers feel this way. When you stop doing so much they will appreciate you more but only if they are capable of that. He probably forgets about it as soon as you leave and yet you have to carry that burden with you. Spend more time with hubby and less time with him he sounds like the better man.

Yes, everybody - adults and children alike - can get on your nerves. May I kindly suggest that you and your parent are on a merry-go-round that leads to frustration.

Consider what conditions need to be met for your parent's health - environment, nutrition and fluids. rest, hygiene... Focus most of your energy on those.

Consider what behaviors he does that are counterproductive and how to mitigate them without resorting to nagging/scolding. Maybe diverting his attention to other activities would help. Maybe "hiding" controls so he can't adjust them. Maybe move furniture to keep him from easily accessing controls.

Consider creating a routine that is sustainable. If you want him to eat his meals and not sweets, then don't offer sweets. If he is not eating a huge amount of "regular meals" consider making the portions smaller and supplement with dietary supplements - nutrition shakes and bars - between meals. Be creative; you can do this!

Also consider creating time periods daily and weekly where you are not responsible for his care. You need enough "time" to sleep 7-9 hours every day, eat 3 healthy meals at a reasonable pace, meet your health and hygiene needs, and to do things you enjoy with people you enjoy. Ask family, friends,membersof your faith community to help. Hire help if you must.

Your father is at least as determined to not spend money on fans and air conditioning as you are to make sure the living environment is cool enough to be safe.
His ability to taste and enjoy food is deteriorating with a taste for sweets being the strongest taste left. It is very common for older people to gravitate to sweets and not care much about anything else.
There is no point in arguing with him or trying to persuade him to keep the cooling on and to eat a more balanced diet. Is your father living with you or you with him? Just do your own best to keep the cooling on and to provide proper nutrition. Try to make healthy foods tasty and fun so he will eat at least some of them before he gets "dessert. "
Don't do much talking (reminding, arguing, nagging) about how things should be. Just do them yourself and realize you will have to re-do the same things over and over. Does he need supervision for the activities you are inclined to warn him to be careful about? If he is capable and cognitively intact, let him do those things just like he has done them all hos life without your input. If there are activities he should not do alone, go with him or arrange for help.

I feel your pain, if someone has dementia/Alzheimer's this behavior is normal and for you to get frustrated is also normal. It is exhausting to as you say nag about this and that. From the conversation, I am assuming that your dad lives in the house with you. I had a similar instance with my dad, as far as the heat/cooling in the house, get a locking thermostat cover and put the key in a place where your dad can't get at it. While I got this particular unit to keep my dad from turning off the air/heat there are many others out there for purchase. My dad never told me he loved me either, don't let it get to you, it could be in all honesty that he can't think of a response due to a lack of ability to really comprehend what is being said to him. Alzheimer's and dementia do some pretty weird stuff to the brain, while he may have smart comments that does not mean his brain is actually working on all cylinders. My dad used to have some awful responses to things such as if a person wore a beard he was unfit to live in this world as he is a scruffy bum. Doesn't he know how to use a razor, he is a disgrace.
Many people feel obligated to care for their aging parents, however, it can cause emotional and physical strife that is very hard to recover from. The only thing you need to do is make sure that he has a roof over his head, keep him as safe as possible, and if for some reason this becomes too much for you, seek out an elder care facility/home which is better equipped to care for his mental decline. It won't be an easy decision, however, your mental and physical wellbeing will be better addressed. I don't know if your dad is on medications, but is he taking them? My dad was faking he was taking them and did it very well. I finally had to get it to him via any means possible until I decided I could no longer keep up with the continual care. Best wishes. See link for the thermostat locking cover. https://www.lowes.com/pd/Honeywell-6-5-in-x-7-25-in-Plastic-Lockable-Rectangle-Thermostat-Cover/1260737?cm_mmc=shp-_-c-_-prd-_-plb-_-google-_-lia-_-171-_-thermostats-_-1260737-_-0&placeholder=null&ds_rl=1286981&gclid=Cj0KCQjw24qHBhCnARIsAPbdtlIq8C2V6nqTzRdMluRL-m1h66ZLyGfiI19gkmjR-XH2u-lpxz9SgqgaAqFcEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

So sorry! I totally understand..my patience wears so thin. My mom who is in an assisted living now will shower alone at 4am..saying there is no staff!! Even though they can do it at 5-6am.. She can not walk well without a walker let alone shower alone. She has passed out in a shower before. I finally have decided I will not comment. Talking to her leads to more excuses why she has to do it. The lack of her insight into safety issues has plagued me for 3 years..I wish I had a magic answer on how to avoid getting irritated or less impatient....even with mom now in assisted living I get the feelings but so much less…She is too cold all the time..yet her room is oppressively warm. She wears a winter sweater coat in public when it is 88 out. I choose to let staff be responsible to convince her..I remind myself this is the disease..certainly of dementia but perhaps even of aging,,,We always say it is like mom is 13 again.. I personally could not live with this in my house..My counselor last year told me “It is not your job to keep your mom happy..your job is to provide a roof, safety and keep her well fed”. We chose an assisted living situation. Good luck..

There are covers that can be put over the thermostat and locked. Then he can't play around with them. We had them at work because the employees used to play with the thermostat.

My thermostat can be set for the heat/ac to go up and down at certain times of the day. For heat, it goes lower while we sleep and goes back up when we wake up. A/C I have set for one temp but can be adjusted too.

Hey Countrymouse it's much cooler today. Thankfully! But very sad news about elderly people found dead in their homes. I couldn't stop thinking about it last night.

Operator, I hope you don't mind but I referenced your thread on this one;

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-to-avoid-dominance-battles-with-the-elderly-468396.htm

I'm sure that op shares your frustration.

I saw that! Just crazy awful!

A catastrophic bush fire (wildfire) years ago here killed many. Was reported the city morgues were already full due to the 12 day heatwave that precluded it.

🙏

Fifty degrees Celsius they reported on the news last night, Gershun - insane. Not survivable! Is the heat beginning to ease off?