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I find myself overly repeating myself to my parent, and drinking water stays hydrated, stopping turning the air conditioner off and the fans. We have severe hot weather. It is so hot in the house. I turn the fans and air conditioner back on and tell him to leave them on. I keep repeating he could end up in the hospital from heatstroke or exhaustion. He gives me a look. He barely eats dinner but will eat two big slices of pie or Ice cream. He always has a smart comment when I say something about the news or politics etc.. he never tells me he loves me back when I tell him I love him. I feel horrible as I tend to nag too much with many worries, constantly reminding him to be careful of almost every situation. I feel like I'm not good enough because I lose my patience by repeating and answering with a frustrated tone of voice. He can be so stubborn and stares back at me, gunning me off, or he can sulk at times. He has always been stubborn and an introvert. When he sulks, I feel so bad and go out of my way to make him feel better. Sometimes I think it is a game he is playing, trying to make me feel bad. I'm starting to think I'm a control freak, and I feel guilty and not good about myself. My husband says I baby him too much. Maybe I do. I hope someone can give me some good feedback. I seem to come here every time I am feeling guilty and frustrated and depressed, I guess. Is it normal for your parent to get on your nerves sometimes, and why do I feel so guilty.

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Huge giant hugs to you. What you're going through and how you're feeling are VERY normal.

You love your father and you want him to be well. You don't want him to end up sun-dried and delirious. Anything about that make you a bad daughter?

There is a lot to say about managing conflict, treading the fine line between caring for someone and trying to control them, all that hi-falutin' stuff. Nuts to it.

Today:

Get a good, easy-to-read room thermometer (you can get some pretty stylish ones, they shouldn't be expensive) and place it where you and your father can both see it from where he usually sits.

If the temperature is rising, by all means turn on the a/c and the fan. But skip the next part - DON'T say anything to him about it. Waste of breath. If he turns it/them off, turn them back on again next time you notice the gauge rising. Still don't say anything, because it will still be a waste of breath.

Leave him with a pitcher he can manage easily, containing something you know he likes drinking - water is best, I agree, but if he likes sodas or fruit drinks or root beer then try those.

Snacks to leave to hand: diced melon, apple, mango - anything juicy that you know he enjoys, in a dish, with a teaspoon or pickle fork next to it. Olives, pickles, tapas, consult his known preferences and then let your imagination roam free.

Ice cream and even pie (its filling, anyway) do count towards his fluid intake. For your own peace of mind, keep a journal and include Nutrition and Fluids. You'll probably find that when you add it all up he's taking in more than you realise.

All in all, do these good things for him and then leave it there. Worst that can happen is irritation when you empty the pitcher down the sink and throw away the uneaten snacks. But you won't have boxed his ears (metaphorically speaking, of course) and he won't have had any occasion to glower at you.

What it boils down to: do and say those things that you DO want to happen. Don't say (to him, at least) what he's doing wrong.
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You're not a nag. Anyone who has to repeat the same thing over and over again at some point is going to lose their patience. That's not nagging. That's being human and none of us are perfect.
Elderly people have an uncanny ability to really get on the nerves of even the most patient people because the "stubbornness" and often downright asinine nonsense gets to anyone at some point.
The only way to continue coping with it day to day to maintain your own sanity is to just ignore them sometimes.
Does your father live with you or by himself? If he lives in your house then the air conditioners and fans stay on. If he's cold he can put on a sweater. If he's in his own place and he likes it sweltering hot, then accept it. If he gets too hot, he'll put his AC on.
If he doesn't want to drink water or eat right, then you can't force him too. Ignore some of it, and whatever you do NEVER engage a senior about anything political or something you saw on the news. That's just asking for trouble.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jun 2021
You’re so right! Most caregivers have had to repeat over and over again, for a variety of reasons, especially hearing issues.

My mom couldn’t hear very well. I got so tired of screaming and repeating that I used to write things down in very large print for her to read because not only does the hearing go, so does their eyesight!

My mom had a hard time hearing even when her hearing aid was turned up all of the way. She only qualified for one hearing aid. One ear couldn’t be helped with a hearing aid.
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He sounds a lot like the way my father was. I too would come across as a nag repeating myself; especially when I was trying to convince him his driving days were at an end - his hearing was essentially non-existent, his memory failing from dementia. He wouldn't use his walker - but furniture surf - causing him to fall. Getting him in and out of my car was torture. There was no way mom was touching the driving situation with a 10 foot pole - dad didn't do real well with mom making suggestions - so I became the focus of his displeasure. 2 years after he gave up his car, he continued to complain that I made him stop driving (while annoying, I could live with it as opposed to dad driving to the local store and ending up 2 or 3 states a way - or worse causing an accident and causing injury or death to himself or someone else). My dad did complain that I was too impatient with him, which did make me feel bad - I admit I tend to be task oriented and was often not as patient as I should have been. Plus dad could be really difficult - especially if his opinions were disagreed with.

I guess we now know how our parents felt when we were younger and they had to keep telling us the same thing over and over.

My advise - pick your battles and let the small stuff slide - and know depending on his age most of it should now be small stuff. I don't believe I read how old your father is - mine was in his late 80s. If it has to do with safety - by all means pursue it - but take a deep breath and say it kindly over and over and over again. If it's pie and ice cream for dinner - let it go - a good diet at this point is to what effect (now if he's in his 60s or early 70s - then maybe a better diet should be a concern)?

I imagine not many of us have escaped being short, frustrated or even angry at our parents while we try to keep them safe and protect them from themselves. Don't hang onto the guilt; give yourself a break and some grace and try to do better the next time. Remember to breathe and relax.
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My parents are deceased now. My dad died many years ago and my mom died recently.

I can tell though, if is completely normal to work on each other’s nerves! It doesn’t matter how much we love someone, we can have differing opinions, different personalities and so on. We can simply be tired of being a caregiver. Do you have any help with your caregiving responsibilities?

Too much togetherness can cause our nerves to become frayed. Do you have time for yourself or time alone with your husband, family members and friends?

By the way, your husband is most likely correct in his observation of your behavior regarding your relationship with your dad. I know that my husband picked up on a lot of my behavior and would lovingly mention certain things to me. Sometimes, I agreed with him and recognized what he observed, other times, I couldn’t see anything. I was on autopilot, just going through the motions.

You know, if you sense that you are hovering a bit too much, try easing up a bit. I absolutely hate if someone hovers over me. There is a difference between being concerned and smothering someone. You don’t have a reason to feel guilty. I think you are sad that things are different than in the past and you are blaming yourself. No one is to blame, least of all you. You are your dad’s loving daughter and caregiver.

I wish you peace and joy as you navigate your way through this challenging time in your life.
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Operator, you could tell him that people die in their homes from heat. I live in Vancouver, Canada and we had five days of the worst heat in Canadian history. Hundreds of seniors were found dead in their homes. Tell your Dad but for you the same unfortunate demise could befall him. He'll probably accuse you of nagging him but look at the alternative.

Yes, it's normal for your parents( hell anybody) to get on your nerves. Especially when they are elderly though. Maybe hold up on the advice (which he considers nagging) for a while and see what happens. Don't play his game.
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Maybe this will help: lower the bar.

Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.

Remember the serenity prayer:

Ask your God to grant you the serenity
to accept the things you cannot change,
the courage to change the things you can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

You have already changed the things you can.

I expect you already know what you cannot: you just described it above.

So, let the rest go. Accept that he is calling the shots.

And say hello to serenity.

You are allowed to do this.
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I feel your pain, if someone has dementia/Alzheimer's this behavior is normal and for you to get frustrated is also normal. It is exhausting to as you say nag about this and that. From the conversation, I am assuming that your dad lives in the house with you. I had a similar instance with my dad, as far as the heat/cooling in the house, get a locking thermostat cover and put the key in a place where your dad can't get at it. While I got this particular unit to keep my dad from turning off the air/heat there are many others out there for purchase. My dad never told me he loved me either, don't let it get to you, it could be in all honesty that he can't think of a response due to a lack of ability to really comprehend what is being said to him. Alzheimer's and dementia do some pretty weird stuff to the brain, while he may have smart comments that does not mean his brain is actually working on all cylinders. My dad used to have some awful responses to things such as if a person wore a beard he was unfit to live in this world as he is a scruffy bum. Doesn't he know how to use a razor, he is a disgrace.
Many people feel obligated to care for their aging parents, however, it can cause emotional and physical strife that is very hard to recover from. The only thing you need to do is make sure that he has a roof over his head, keep him as safe as possible, and if for some reason this becomes too much for you, seek out an elder care facility/home which is better equipped to care for his mental decline. It won't be an easy decision, however, your mental and physical wellbeing will be better addressed. I don't know if your dad is on medications, but is he taking them? My dad was faking he was taking them and did it very well. I finally had to get it to him via any means possible until I decided I could no longer keep up with the continual care. Best wishes. See link for the thermostat locking cover. https://www.lowes.com/pd/Honeywell-6-5-in-x-7-25-in-Plastic-Lockable-Rectangle-Thermostat-Cover/1260737?cm_mmc=shp-_-c-_-prd-_-plb-_-google-_-lia-_-171-_-thermostats-_-1260737-_-0&placeholder=null&ds_rl=1286981&gclid=Cj0KCQjw24qHBhCnARIsAPbdtlIq8C2V6nqTzRdMluRL-m1h66ZLyGfiI19gkmjR-XH2u-lpxz9SgqgaAqFcEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds
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Please don't feel guilty. Give yourself a break. You are doing the best you can. Period.

My mom (96) and I went to dinner and a fireworks show last night, and in the 45 minutes we sat outside waiting for the fireworks to start, Mom asked me 18 times where her purse was. After the first 9 times, I looked her directly in her eyes, and said MOM, PLEASE REMEMBER I have your purse. She was good another 2-3 minutes and then ....it started again.

Yes, I lose my patience sometimes, too. But we just keep going on doing our best. And that's just the way it is.
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So sorry! I totally understand..my patience wears so thin. My mom who is in an assisted living now will shower alone at 4am..saying there is no staff!! Even though they can do it at 5-6am.. She can not walk well without a walker let alone shower alone. She has passed out in a shower before. I finally have decided I will not comment. Talking to her leads to more excuses why she has to do it. The lack of her insight into safety issues has plagued me for 3 years..I wish I had a magic answer on how to avoid getting irritated or less impatient....even with mom now in assisted living I get the feelings but so much less…She is too cold all the time..yet her room is oppressively warm. She wears a winter sweater coat in public when it is 88 out. I choose to let staff be responsible to convince her..I remind myself this is the disease..certainly of dementia but perhaps even of aging,,,We always say it is like mom is 13 again.. I personally could not live with this in my house..My counselor last year told me “It is not your job to keep your mom happy..your job is to provide a roof, safety and keep her well fed”. We chose an assisted living situation. Good luck..
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Angel0 Jul 2021
I love this! I too have been told that there are two things that are the most important when it comes to mom. Safety, health and happiness comes last. I try to remember that but I'm a people pleaser. But over and over I repeat and now I let the small battles go
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Your situation is a tough one- I’ve been there. It often feels thankless, sometimes futile, completely draining and sad. With that said it might also be the most important thing one can possibly do. Anyone can caregive when everything is great; it when things start declining quickly that it becomes more difficult. We want to permanently fix or cure problems and dementia doesn’t allow for that. We have to do the best we can with grace & love in our heart. As frustrating and sometimes scary as it is, know that it’s amplified greatly for our afflicted loved one. Owen Darnell wrote a beautiful poem entitled Do Not Ask Me to Remember. I read it often during very trying days! Good luck, am sending you prayers and thanks for what you do!
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