So, she fractured her spine a few days ago falling down. Was in hospital for that time and I took her home. My brother called me today and said she fell down again and is back at the hospital. Dad is dead, and it's just me and my brother, no other family. I mean we have other family, but my parents never let me meet them so effectively I don't, we never met. My mom always said they didn't like her because she was brown skinned, but I don't know if that's true or not. I am adopted, she is not my biological mom. I was adopted at 6 months old so effectively she was. They were ok parents, I never went hungry, or was abused, or anything like that. But they never let me do the things I wanted. Example, I wanted guitar lessons, but they forced me to do piano instead. Anyway, I digress. She has been mostly bed ridden since my dad died like 3 years ago. She doesn't handle adversity well, basically just shuts down for years, same thing happened when her mom died. She is obese now, diabetic, had her thyroid removed for something, and she takes Ritalin daily. She never took care of herself; it was Jack in the Box 3 meals a day. Beer or Wine were the drinks of choice, mostly wine, certainly not water. I never saw her do any form of exercise, EVER. The most exercise she got was walking into a store. She would order gadgets and stuff from amazon, use it for a day and then discard it. They bought a $250,000 motorhome and used it once and then they had to sell it, that's just one example, there are many more. They were terrible with money and unfortunately it rubbed off on me. I am just now, at age 33, starting to budget and save my money. I will not end up like her, no way. Her only income is Social Security, the house is going to be repossessed at some point, I don't think she has made a mortgage payment for 2 years. Can't sell it, there are 3 leans on the house, I talked to a real estate friend, and she looked it up for me. Said unless the leans are taken care of its basically unsellable. I don't care that they have nothing to leave me, I think people should take care of themselves and not be given things. But I also don't think I should have to sacrifice my future because they wasted their money and bodies away. I've been taking care of her for the last 3-4 years since my dad died, and a couple years while he was still around. I do all the grocery shopping, all the shopping in general actually. I hate her for putting me in this position, something I would never do to someone else. I make 30 dollars an hour, but no benefits. No health insurance or even sick time. She won't go to a facility willingly; it will have to be forced on her. Either through the state or eviction. In California there are laws that if a child doesn't take care of an elder you can be guilty of a misdemeanor. But I don't have the resources to hire someone, and she won't go to a facility. Am I going to get arrested? I have a brother, but he is bipolar and doesn't have a car, so he is basically useless. The thing is I don't feel bad for her at all, the way I see it she brought this on herself with poor lifestyle choices, which have consequences. I only do it because that's what's expected of me by other people and there is literally nobody else. She doesn't have any friends either. I don't think they ever went out and did something with anyone besides me and my brother my entire life. I mean if she had even made an attempt to be healthy, I'd probably feel different, but she didn't. I don't know what to do, she is like 72 right now. I could see her living for another ten years. Am I supposed to sacrifice my late twenties and all my thirties for her? That's the time to be setting up my life, for me. I'm already burned out from what I've been doing the last 4-5 years. I can't be around her for more than 2 minutes without getting mad, and I don't get mad often. Anyway, I know it's long but if anyone could give me some advice, I would appreciate it greatly. Thx.
my dad (love of life) just passed 2 weeks ago. He was active, happy are healthy-had crap genes. Mom eats like your mom-she has 6 bgs of chip a hoy on top of fridge now.
it upset my dad & quite frankly everyone at how her health did not reflect her lifestyle. Well it does now-82-in the Hosp 46 days now-IF she gets out of hospital she will go to nursing home as I cannot take care of her she is dead weight.
not familiar w/ CA law-but is there a social worker you could speak with? Or perhaps a religious helper/group.
In MO- IF an elderly person is injured in hospital more than 3 days -needs care to be relaxed- they can be - allocated to nursing facility-Medicare bed. Just in case future falls.
I occasionally cry I do not have a “mother/daughter” relationship-but I am trying my darndest to 90* with my 21 y/o daughter. Good luck I will say 🙏🏼
I have a brother who is a drug addict and my mother enables him I keep telling her what if you weren't there he would have to do it on his own. I know this is very different than your problem but its the same concept. Walk away.
I had to do this just recently to my brother in law to get him the help he needs. He has dementia and his family is enabling him so I had to walk away from the situation too. I can't change what is going on there and talking to the doctor or nurse doesn't get me anywhere except for them telling those people that I don't know what I am doing(which I have a medical degree and they don't). So I choose to walk away from anything that he does or says. I only take care of the bills and buy him the food that I follow from one doctor that said lower sodium. One of his family told me that the doctor doesn't want us to watch anything meaning carbs or sodium she is killing him but the doctor didn't say that because I can get into his records to see what the doctor wrote which the doctor wrote to watch both of them but not as strict as I wanted it. So I have walked away from this man who I took care of for 15yrs without their help just because they are POA's now after one year. Its hard but I know I have to do this for myself and my family.
Prayers to you. But walk away from it.
Second, ask her to give you a financial power of attorney. Third, see if the bank will give you info on the mortgage. Also check with the county recording office. In most places whichever lien is recorded first in the land records has higher priority than later recorded liens. If you have the POA, you will probably be able to talk to them. The house certainly can be sold with liens, it's just that she won't get the money. I'm surprised the bank hasn't foreclosed. If she ends up in bankruptcy, the house usually is protected but that doesn't mean much if she's lost it to foreclosure.
Fourth, see an attorney who specializes in elderly issues. One consultation should not cost a lot of money. I doubt CA prosecutes people who don't care for their parents.
Fifth, see a psychologist who specializes in these types of issues. You need to get a grip on the dynamics among you, your mother, and your brother and help you deal with the anger that is only hurting you.
Sixth, check into county or city services for the elderly. They may have excellent resources. I have a sense of the trapped feeling you have. Take care of yourself.
You should not feel bad for have your mom put in a home where she can get the help she needs and proper nutrition. And, depending on how bad of a diabetic she is, she won’t make it another 10 years. Check her A1-C. If it’s above 5, that really bad. I’ve been dealing with my dad for two years and I’m 58 right now. I want my life back!! We have 3 people that alternate staying with my dad around the clock. But my brother and I both have houses and pets that need to be taken care of. My husband has been wonderful b/c his dad passed about 7 years ago from Alzheimer’s. You need to live your life. Do yourself a favor and buy some cheap small cameras and put in your mom’s room (if you have her put in a home) then you can see what’s going on. I used to do nursing home law and medical malpractice here in Texas. Nursing homes can really be bad. Just do your research. If your mom has no assets, hopefully she has some social security and that will have to be signed over to the nursing home. Live your life and get your mom some help. Heck, maybe she’ll make some friends there. They have game nights and crafts…all kinds of stuff. God bless you and good luck. 🙏
Not according to this: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/type-1-diabetes/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20353017
The job of family, as I see it, is to help arrange, facility and set up care, not to destroy your own life to provide it.
We are blessed to live in a country that provides (via Medicaid) long term medical care for folks who need it and who are financially needy. Get your parent to a CELA certified lawyer and find out how to get your parent qualified for Medicaid.
Saying "mom, I can;t do this anymore" was quite literally the hardest thing I've ever done. My mom's "emergencies", three days running that took me from a clinical job an hour away from mom's home--that's wasn't sustainable.
The fact that she didn't understand that I couldn't keep running to her side because there were ants in her kitchen was a further signal that something was amiss.
Don't give up your life or your job.
I fear he’ll never walk again. Our crappy medical system. Ugh… he has home health, is bedridden and only get PT twice a week.
I should note she's 2 years younger than your mom and I can see her being around another 25-30 years because of longevity genes.
Like your mom, mine hardly does anything. She's been immobile and bedridden since 2018 and hurt her ankle while undergoing cancer treatments. She's still trying to recover from the treatments. She hates her circumstances, but doesn't hate them enough to put in more effort to get better. She'll try to do something, but she's inconsistent and doesn't stick with it. Before 2011, she never set foot in a gym and during the early 2010s, she hardly ever went to the gym she became a member of. She was there at times during summer 2011, but hardly went after that. I want to say 2013 was the last time she went to the gym for any sort of exercise. She did go there on some occasions and had me go inside and order smoothies for her. I think 2016 was the last time she got a smoothie from that gym. On a couple of occasions in 2019, she would try standing with her walker for several seconds to strengthen herself, but she stopped doing that and hasn't tried that since. A couple of years ago, she had me order some special walker on Amazon, but she's yet to use it. In fact, it's still in its box, never opened. Not too long after that purchase, she bought a floor elliptical. She used it somewhat regularly for a month and a half, but has hardly touched it after that. She used it 10 times during that month and a half span and that's the same amount of times she's used it from the start of last year until now.
She refuses to get extra help for fear of Covid and fear of getting robbed. She hardly trusts anyone and dumps all the responsibilities on me. She has some close friends and they're willing to help out, but she hardly ever calls on them for any sort of help. We have family, but they're too busy and or too old or weak to help. I'm exhausted and burned out, but she wants me to be her hands and feet and leans on me for encouragement and moral support, even though I'm not the encourager-type and I'm too tired to be her personal cheerleader. She needs motivation, extra help, and to exercise more, but she gets upset when someone tells her to exercise. Recently, I asked her if she wanted to drive again and she said yes, but then immediately started crying and accused me of reminding her of things she couldn't do. In reality, I was trying to motivate her. Talk about a head case AND a big baby.
I've had to do the grocery shopping since I graduated college and she hasn't been inside a grocery store since I think 2016. She hasn't attempted to drive in almost 2 and a half years. She thought about doing PT, but because of Covid, she had to wait and she's too scared to get any form of PT, even though I own 3 masks and she tells me to mask up when I go to various places. The few times people have been at home, she won't mask up.
If circumstances allowed it, I would've put her in the nursing home and kept her there until she got her mobility back and could live on her own. I'm beyond ready to check out and kick caregiving to the curb.
You are in a hard place. I think polarbear gave great advice. Read it again.
I know it'll be hard. How do you just stop, and how do you stop feeling guilty? Well, you have to be strong, and you can't allow people - including your mother or hospital personnel - make you feel guilty. I don't think it's a case of your not loving your mother - it's the choices she's made. Nor are you abandoning her: you're just not in a position to provide care for her.
It seems logical that if she's in a hospital for the 2nd time in a few days after fracturing her spine, that she'd be released to a rehab facility. She may be forced to go because that's her only option. She won't like it. Afterwards is a different story, & you have to be unflinching about what you can or want to do. If her income is low, she may qualify for assistance. I know in some states you can't own property, so that could be a problem. You may have to navigate that for her - but get someone like a social worker involved.
As far as her house. I understand that houses with liens on them are hard, if not impossible, to sell. It may be repossessed, or the state may take it over. and If she's put out of her home, where does she go? You have to have a plan in place for that eventuality.
Yours is a complicated problem that goes beyond caring for your mother. I don't believe anyone here wants you to put yourself in an impossible situation, but if you take over her care, you very well may find yourself there for many, many years. It's not wrong - in fact it's healthy - to recognize your limitations and to work within them.
I wish you the best & echo what poodledoodle wrote.
I hope everyone has given you good solutions! I only want to answer your question (are you supposed to sacrifice yourself?) :
NO.
If it gets to the point where you feel you’re being sacrificed, a change must be made.
No one was born, to later be sacrificed. Some people (especially men, brothers, etc.) will try to sacrifice others (especially females). Don’t let anyone sacrifice you. Please be a success story in your life.
Please come back to the forum one day, saying you’re a success story. The world needs success stories, especially daughters who succeeded! Daughters are often exploited!
Poodle (I’m male)
I have not read all the answers here, but a few things to remember:
The hospital stay has to be at least 3 days before Medicare will kick in for SNF.
DO NOT take her home with you at any point. You will lose too many options. If you say she cannot live with you, the hospital will appoint a social worker to help find placement.
We also found out the hard way, that Medicare will NOT pay for the SNF if the patient is put on hospice before they leave the hospital. apparently you have to argue that you believe she will get better. Then, in the mean time get her on Medicaid. My step dad was put on hospice because of stage 4 liver cancer and hospice was assigned before he went to the SNF. Hospice care was free (they didn't do much) but facility cost was out of pocket.
If she goes home, then at some point some other crisis force a new option. Just do not take her to your home for even 1 night or move in with her.
also consult with an attorney on elders law about what are and are not your responsibilities.
As I can read, she in the path of destruction
God sometimes works in mysterious ways. Would He put a needy woman in your life just to render all your sacrifices in vain? Would God infuse all this love into families only for the movie plot to dim to darkness in the end? What is more precious to God? Money or sacrifice of life? Why, if a man can invest his money and later enjoy a happy return, why can't a person invest his time as though it were money invested? How will God repay you? With money? Or will He multiply your time you sacrificed caring for someone who cannot repay you, by giving you the gift of Eternal life? Do your have any concept of how long Eternity is compared to this short life? What is a man's life but a vapour appearing and disappearing in an instant? Some of the emotional baggage can be dealt with, with this belief in you heart that God will not render in vain. the time, effort and sacrifice you took to care for someone who cannot repay you. Your reward will be great in Heaven. If it is a blessed estate to feed the poor how much more blessed the reward for those who help the helpless... Yours is an Eternal crown of righteousness and glory. "Blessed are those who labour and are heavy laden. For I will give them rest."
Jesus - in that case, come back here on Earth. But this time, without special powers. And we want to see how you handle taking care of your elderly mother Mary, WITHOUT much outside help: all the stress/worries/emergencies on you. Let's see how well you manage.
Right about now, a social worker will be your best advocate, in my opinion. Tell the hospital staff that you need to meet with one ASAP (it's actually standard where I live before someone like your mom is discharged).
If it were me in your shoes, I would do as the others here have advised and let the hospital social worker find placement for your mother in a rehab. If she is able to go home and care for herself, then fine, but if she is not then she should stay in a care facility where there is around-the-clock help for her. However, be aware that even if she is able to return home this time, at some point she will no longer be able to live alone and the decision of what to do will once again fall at your feet.
I would try to get a real estate POA so that you can put her house on the market if she isn't able to return to it. Then take whatever proceeds are left after the liens are satisfied and put it toward her care.
I would apply for medicare for her - or have the social worker help you. Heck, apply for every option that she has. Was your dad a veteran? If so, apply to the VA as well and to Medicaid.
Approach this situation as the opportunity to make some positive changes.
I can tell you from experience that things will not get any easier for you if you continue to bear the burden of your mother's care. Turn it over to the professionals at this point if you can.
After caring for my mother for the past 16 years and counting, I can tell you that you WILL give up your life if you continue to take this on yourself.
Blessings and peace.
Yes, my understanding is that those ‘parent support’ laws have only ever been enforced against rich adult children who have got as much money as possible out of their parents and then think it’s a good joke to put them on Medicaid. Don’t worry about it. That’s not you.
Your mother will go to a facility, willingly or unwillingly, if the house is sold over her head. One way to bring this on might be to write to all the creditors (that’s if you have the contact details for the liens), inform them that there is no way for her to pay, the house is deteriorating, and all the lien holders might want to develop a joint plan to bring this to a close. There’s a risk that they will all descend on you, but there is no way for them to force you to be involved. You could perhaps get a lawyer’s letter that might not give your contact details. This might bring this situation to a close, rather than let it worry you for months and years.
It would certainly be better if the hospital organised a facility because she is an unsafe discharge. However if she is legally competent, they may not be able to do it, even if you say that you are not going to provide any assistance to her at home. Perhaps try the hospital first, but remember that the creditors might be an alternative. Best wishes, Margaret
If the hospital is pushing her to go, the social worker can and should make arrangements for her to go to a facility. Under no circumstances say that you will be willing to take care of her/stay with her while she recovers.
https://cahealthadvocates.org/new-california-law-involves-family-caregivers-in-discharge-planning/
This is simple. If Mom has enough informal support (ie family) + formal support (ie home services) to allow a *safe discharge* then she can go home. Hopefully to mend & thrive.
If not, she does not.
I think the problem may be the OP's own thoughts. Feeling over-responsible?
I sure as sure would not be collecting any friend/relative or even parent into my care when I KNEW I could not care for them. Whether that be from any lack of: ability, money, time, willingness - or all.
Just no, can't do.
Wkelly, do you feel confident to say NO to hospital/rehab staff if you need to?
You have a lot going on. You have come to a good place to kick it around.
Just trying to understand a bit more of what you are dealing with.
So mom has the house, encumbered though it is, you work all the time and brother lives with you and mom? Is he compliant with his meds? Is he on any kind of disability? Has he ever worked? Is he your moms biological child? She might be bipolar as well? She seems to suffer from severe depression.
Does mom pay the utilities etc? Pay property taxes and insurance? Maybe taxes are one of the liens?
If mom is competent to make her own decisions then she gets to. If she needs you to keep the situation going, then you need to decide what you are willing to do or not do regarding her and your brother.
For sure try to get her placed after the rehab which she needs to do after this hospitalization. Medicare will only pay for rehab if she stays in the hospital for 3 nights. The rehab is like an interim step that Medicare will pay for the first 20 days or so. Depending on her insurance it might pay longer but it is also dependent on her participating. You don’t sound hopeful that she will participate. Do not bring her home if she calls you to pick her up. Tell brother to not volunteer you to pick her up. If he doesn’t have a car, hopefully he won’t arrange it. Does mom have a car he drives? Her SS will go to pay for her care if she is deemed medically in need. So whatever mom was paying for at home will be gone. Who makes the fast food runs?
WKelly, you sound a bit detached and you know you are burned out. You have missed the mental genetics that mom and brother may be burdened with. The current situation is not working. So try really hard to not bring her home. Insist it is not a safe discharge. If mom can get her back healed and get her depression treated she could have some good years left. Wishing you a lot of luck. Be careful in those tree tops.
You wrote: " In California there are laws that if a child doesn't take care of an elder you can be guilty of a misdemeanor."
Not true. From reading on this forum, that law was never enforced. Adult children are not forced to take in, or take care of, or pay for their parents' care. You are safe. You will not be arrested.
You wrote: "But I don't have the resources to hire someone..."
You should not have to spend your money on her care. If she has money, then use it on her. If she does not have money, then she can (with your help) apply for Medicaid.
You wrote: "I hate her for putting me in this position..."
No, she can demand all day long, but you have to agree. So, stop agreeing. Stop taking care of her.
RIGHT NOW, while she is in the hospital is the PERFECT time to stop.
What you have to do is, TELL the hospital that your mother has NO ONE at home to take care of her. NO ONE. You are NOT available. You have to work to make a living. Don't waiver on this.
The hospital will have to figure out what she needs and find a place for her.
You're done sacrificing your life taking care of her.
As for the liens on the house, your friend is wrong. Generally, liens are satisfied (paid) from the sale proceeds. Unless, the value of the house is less than the total amount of all the liens, your mother should end up with some money from the sale. If the liens are more than the value of the house, then it's not worth going through the trouble of selling it. You just let the lien holders force the foreclosure.
The Hospital Social Worker can help plan her next move.
Either one of these paths will be chosen;
1. She recovers enough to live alone (unlikely by the sounds) 2. Can return to her home with intermittent in-home carers
3. Requires 24/7care, so moves into a care facility.
My advice is don't get tied up with too much info when dealing with the Hospital. Just the facts Ma'am approach.
If you can't do it - just say so.