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So, she fractured her spine a few days ago falling down. Was in hospital for that time and I took her home. My brother called me today and said she fell down again and is back at the hospital. Dad is dead, and it's just me and my brother, no other family. I mean we have other family, but my parents never let me meet them so effectively I don't, we never met. My mom always said they didn't like her because she was brown skinned, but I don't know if that's true or not. I am adopted, she is not my biological mom. I was adopted at 6 months old so effectively she was. They were ok parents, I never went hungry, or was abused, or anything like that. But they never let me do the things I wanted. Example, I wanted guitar lessons, but they forced me to do piano instead. Anyway, I digress. She has been mostly bed ridden since my dad died like 3 years ago. She doesn't handle adversity well, basically just shuts down for years, same thing happened when her mom died. She is obese now, diabetic, had her thyroid removed for something, and she takes Ritalin daily. She never took care of herself; it was Jack in the Box 3 meals a day. Beer or Wine were the drinks of choice, mostly wine, certainly not water. I never saw her do any form of exercise, EVER. The most exercise she got was walking into a store. She would order gadgets and stuff from amazon, use it for a day and then discard it. They bought a $250,000 motorhome and used it once and then they had to sell it, that's just one example, there are many more. They were terrible with money and unfortunately it rubbed off on me. I am just now, at age 33, starting to budget and save my money. I will not end up like her, no way. Her only income is Social Security, the house is going to be repossessed at some point, I don't think she has made a mortgage payment for 2 years. Can't sell it, there are 3 leans on the house, I talked to a real estate friend, and she looked it up for me. Said unless the leans are taken care of its basically unsellable. I don't care that they have nothing to leave me, I think people should take care of themselves and not be given things. But I also don't think I should have to sacrifice my future because they wasted their money and bodies away. I've been taking care of her for the last 3-4 years since my dad died, and a couple years while he was still around. I do all the grocery shopping, all the shopping in general actually. I hate her for putting me in this position, something I would never do to someone else. I make 30 dollars an hour, but no benefits. No health insurance or even sick time. She won't go to a facility willingly; it will have to be forced on her. Either through the state or eviction. In California there are laws that if a child doesn't take care of an elder you can be guilty of a misdemeanor. But I don't have the resources to hire someone, and she won't go to a facility. Am I going to get arrested? I have a brother, but he is bipolar and doesn't have a car, so he is basically useless. The thing is I don't feel bad for her at all, the way I see it she brought this on herself with poor lifestyle choices, which have consequences. I only do it because that's what's expected of me by other people and there is literally nobody else. She doesn't have any friends either. I don't think they ever went out and did something with anyone besides me and my brother my entire life. I mean if she had even made an attempt to be healthy, I'd probably feel different, but she didn't. I don't know what to do, she is like 72 right now. I could see her living for another ten years. Am I supposed to sacrifice my late twenties and all my thirties for her? That's the time to be setting up my life, for me. I'm already burned out from what I've been doing the last 4-5 years. I can't be around her for more than 2 minutes without getting mad, and I don't get mad often. Anyway, I know it's long but if anyone could give me some advice, I would appreciate it greatly. Thx.

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Is Mom in the hospital now?
The Hospital Social Worker can help plan her next move.

Either one of these paths will be chosen;
1. She recovers enough to live alone (unlikely by the sounds) 2. Can return to her home with intermittent in-home carers
3. Requires 24/7care, so moves into a care facility.

My advice is don't get tied up with too much info when dealing with the Hospital. Just the facts Ma'am approach.
If you can't do it - just say so.
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wkelly - you are wrong. And that's a good thing.

You wrote: " In California there are laws that if a child doesn't take care of an elder you can be guilty of a misdemeanor."
Not true. From reading on this forum, that law was never enforced. Adult children are not forced to take in, or take care of, or pay for their parents' care. You are safe. You will not be arrested.

You wrote: "But I don't have the resources to hire someone..."
You should not have to spend your money on her care. If she has money, then use it on her. If she does not have money, then she can (with your help) apply for Medicaid.

You wrote: "I hate her for putting me in this position..."
No, she can demand all day long, but you have to agree. So, stop agreeing. Stop taking care of her.

RIGHT NOW, while she is in the hospital is the PERFECT time to stop.

What you have to do is, TELL the hospital that your mother has NO ONE at home to take care of her. NO ONE. You are NOT available. You have to work to make a living. Don't waiver on this.

The hospital will have to figure out what she needs and find a place for her.

You're done sacrificing your life taking care of her.

As for the liens on the house, your friend is wrong. Generally, liens are satisfied (paid) from the sale proceeds. Unless, the value of the house is less than the total amount of all the liens, your mother should end up with some money from the sale. If the liens are more than the value of the house, then it's not worth going through the trouble of selling it. You just let the lien holders force the foreclosure.
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AlvaDeer Apr 2022
EXCELLENT advice and information, all of it.
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I live in California. What you do now is don’t take her out of the hospital if you can’t handle her. Just say unsafe discharge and push for rehab.
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wkelly121212 Apr 2022
We tried that, appealed the ruling and they declined it. Said if she was going to stay longer it will be out of pocket.
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wKelly
You have a lot going on. You have come to a good place to kick it around.
Just trying to understand a bit more of what you are dealing with.
So mom has the house, encumbered though it is, you work all the time and brother lives with you and mom? Is he compliant with his meds? Is he on any kind of disability? Has he ever worked? Is he your moms biological child? She might be bipolar as well? She seems to suffer from severe depression.

Does mom pay the utilities etc? Pay property taxes and insurance? Maybe taxes are one of the liens?
If mom is competent to make her own decisions then she gets to. If she needs you to keep the situation going, then you need to decide what you are willing to do or not do regarding her and your brother.
For sure try to get her placed after the rehab which she needs to do after this hospitalization. Medicare will only pay for rehab if she stays in the hospital for 3 nights. The rehab is like an interim step that Medicare will pay for the first 20 days or so. Depending on her insurance it might pay longer but it is also dependent on her participating. You don’t sound hopeful that she will participate. Do not bring her home if she calls you to pick her up. Tell brother to not volunteer you to pick her up. If he doesn’t have a car, hopefully he won’t arrange it. Does mom have a car he drives? Her SS will go to pay for her care if she is deemed medically in need. So whatever mom was paying for at home will be gone. Who makes the fast food runs?
WKelly, you sound a bit detached and you know you are burned out. You have missed the mental genetics that mom and brother may be burdened with. The current situation is not working. So try really hard to not bring her home. Insist it is not a safe discharge. If mom can get her back healed and get her depression treated she could have some good years left. Wishing you a lot of luck. Be careful in those tree tops.
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wkelly121212 Apr 2022
My brother works, he is bipolar. He has his own place, as do I. Mom lives alone. He is usually ok but sometimes he flips out for not much reason. He is also adopted, I was loosely related to my dad, like a 2nd cousin or something like that, not sure, he was from a totally different family. I'm sure she is depressed, honestly, I think she has been that way since her mom died like 15 years ago, she was never the same. The fast food runs are over and have been for some time. Those ended a few years ago mostly, but the 10-12 years before that, when she was still mobile, was all fast food. Still a decade or more of that diet left her obese with diabetes. The hospital says she cant stay, we appealed it and they said no. If she stays longer it will be out of pocket they said. As far as the finances go she hasn't made a mortgage payment in like 2 years. Honestly I'm surprised she hasn't been evicted yet. Its coming at some point. I don't know what the leans are, just that there are 3. If she owed, then I'm sure she has backed taxes. I'm not sure what other bills she pays, I buy her enough groceries and do enough driving I have not offered to help with those bills, I cant. Anyway thx for the response, I'm not a big talker but its nice to vent a little.
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Wkelly, those filial laws are rarely if ever enforced. If it ever got to the point of going before a judge, the judge would look at your ability to pay and support your parent. Those with a lot of money, assets and time would be more likely to be court ordered to support their parents. The vast majority of those who are wealthy and able to support their parents do so anyway. Those in your position who need to work to support themselves and are just getting by are not going to be court ordered to support their parents, so please don't worry about those laws.
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"Mom lives alone".

This is simple. If Mom has enough informal support (ie family) + formal support (ie home services) to allow a *safe discharge* then she can go home. Hopefully to mend & thrive.

If not, she does not.

I think the problem may be the OP's own thoughts. Feeling over-responsible?

I sure as sure would not be collecting any friend/relative or even parent into my care when I KNEW I could not care for them. Whether that be from any lack of: ability, money, time, willingness - or all.

Just no, can't do.

Wkelly, do you feel confident to say NO to hospital/rehab staff if you need to?
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Speak to the social worker at the hospital and have her released to a skilled nursing facility for rehab. It is unsafe for her to be released to go back home & she will need physical rehab. Are they aware that she lives alone?

If the hospital is pushing her to go, the social worker can and should make arrangements for her to go to a facility. Under no circumstances say that you will be willing to take care of her/stay with her while she recovers.

https://cahealthadvocates.org/new-california-law-involves-family-caregivers-in-discharge-planning/
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Since she’s back in hospital, discuss with Social Worker about getting her placed in facility. Also have Orthopedic dr meeting to see if she needs back surgery. About the house liens, perhaps Tax Atty can help. You’re not responsible to pay for her care or any liens. Hopefully brother is on correct meds? Let us know how it goes. Good luck! Hugs 🤗
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Just a couple of points:

Yes, my understanding is that those ‘parent support’ laws have only ever been enforced against rich adult children who have got as much money as possible out of their parents and then think it’s a good joke to put them on Medicaid. Don’t worry about it. That’s not you.

Your mother will go to a facility, willingly or unwillingly, if the house is sold over her head. One way to bring this on might be to write to all the creditors (that’s if you have the contact details for the liens), inform them that there is no way for her to pay, the house is deteriorating, and all the lien holders might want to develop a joint plan to bring this to a close. There’s a risk that they will all descend on you, but there is no way for them to force you to be involved. You could perhaps get a lawyer’s letter that might not give your contact details. This might bring this situation to a close, rather than let it worry you for months and years.

It would certainly be better if the hospital organised a facility because she is an unsafe discharge. However if she is legally competent, they may not be able to do it, even if you say that you are not going to provide any assistance to her at home. Perhaps try the hospital first, but remember that the creditors might be an alternative. Best wishes, Margaret
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Apart from the shopping, what are you doing for your mother? I'm not sure, but I get the impression you aren't living in the house with her, are you?
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Ylrhea Apr 2022
So you have to be living with someone to be helping? I bet you got this information from a civil servant locked in a filing cabinet 😉
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Polarbear is correct. The house can be sold and at that time the liens will be paid.

Right about now, a social worker will be your best advocate, in my opinion. Tell the hospital staff that you need to meet with one ASAP (it's actually standard where I live before someone like your mom is discharged).

If it were me in your shoes, I would do as the others here have advised and let the hospital social worker find placement for your mother in a rehab. If she is able to go home and care for herself, then fine, but if she is not then she should stay in a care facility where there is around-the-clock help for her. However, be aware that even if she is able to return home this time, at some point she will no longer be able to live alone and the decision of what to do will once again fall at your feet.

I would try to get a real estate POA so that you can put her house on the market if she isn't able to return to it. Then take whatever proceeds are left after the liens are satisfied and put it toward her care.

I would apply for medicare for her - or have the social worker help you. Heck, apply for every option that she has. Was your dad a veteran? If so, apply to the VA as well and to Medicaid.

Approach this situation as the opportunity to make some positive changes.

I can tell you from experience that things will not get any easier for you if you continue to bear the burden of your mother's care. Turn it over to the professionals at this point if you can.

After caring for my mother for the past 16 years and counting, I can tell you that you WILL give up your life if you continue to take this on yourself.

Blessings and peace.
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Basically you ask for Case management In the hospital and a social worker and tell them " She needs a skilled Nursing facility and a Rehab as this is her second fall . " She May need a Neuropsych evaluation to see why she is falling ? Could Possibly be a stroke . Ask for a Neurologist to Look at Her . Be a advocate . I am assuming she has Medicare . My Guess is she wants to go home . The only thing you can ask is that they " Set Up Physical and Occupational therapy , a Visiting nurse to come in and check on her medications , Elder services That help with in Home care and can provide a CNA to Bathe her , a House cleaner and Shopper for Food , get meals on Wheels . " Next you seek out a elder attorney ( Maybe social services has a Low cost Lawyer ) and have them help you with the house - perhaps it can be Paid off in increments . Find Out what taxes are owed and Mortgage payments . Go to the bank and get the deed to the House at Town hall . Unfortunately since you are her daughter There are some responsibilities involved . Find yourself a social worker for therapy . You Can get work done and be detached . Personally I would Push for a skilled Nursing Facility and rehab . What you could do is 23 and me - a DNA test and see if you can track down any relatives who could Nurture and support you . Just a thought . Keep up your Boundaries - Join a support group . Make her self sufficient . They have medical bracelets and Life lines when people fall . You Can still have a life and help and be detached .
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She may be depressed as well. Call social services and get help. It’s great that you have done this for a few years but she really is beyond what you can do so it’s understandable that you would be frustrated. You’ve done all you can do and now you need help to help her. Take a deep breath, and make the call. If they don’t help call adult protective services and tell them she can’t live alone and you can’t help her. There is no shame in saying no when our loved ones are beyond what we are able to do for them.
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If she has not been declared incompetent, then your mother is responsible for herself. How much you want to help her is up to you. The law cannot obligate you to care for her. I hope you do not plan on letting her live with you if she should become homeless due to a foreclosure. As for becoming her POA, I would not recommend it for you. I was DPOA for my mother until she died. I wished I had not agreed to so it. The responsibility and obligations became too over whelming, physically and emotionally.
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Getting right down to the bedrock, it appears you have alot of resentment towards your adopted mother for the lifestyle choices and financial misjudgments you feel short changed you. First of all. You have the right to be resentful. You never just wreck your own health but the health and well being of those surrounding you. I get it. And I will never say, "well she did it for you." I hate that. Different circumstances. Caring for a baby is joy. Caring for an elder whose health is coming apart is a different bag. Little joy but alot of depression and anxiety. And every year it gets worse as they get worse. Nobody can really know the plight of the caregiver unless they got down in the trenches. It's all pure speculation. It's not all pats on the back for a job well done. Nobody thanks you. They all take it and you for granted. Their visits are meaningless to me but mom enjoys their company. They're all relieved the pressure is off them if the truth be known. Boy how I wish the shoe were on the other foot and I had the luxury of visiting at my heart's desire and walk out the door whenever I feel.

God sometimes works in mysterious ways. Would He put a needy woman in your life just to render all your sacrifices in vain? Would God infuse all this love into families only for the movie plot to dim to darkness in the end? What is more precious to God? Money or sacrifice of life? Why, if a man can invest his money and later enjoy a happy return, why can't a person invest his time as though it were money invested? How will God repay you? With money? Or will He multiply your time you sacrificed caring for someone who cannot repay you, by giving you the gift of Eternal life? Do your have any concept of how long Eternity is compared to this short life? What is a man's life but a vapour appearing and disappearing in an instant? Some of the emotional baggage can be dealt with, with this belief in you heart that God will not render in vain. the time, effort and sacrifice you took to care for someone who cannot repay you. Your reward will be great in Heaven. If it is a blessed estate to feed the poor how much more blessed the reward for those who help the helpless... Yours is an Eternal crown of righteousness and glory. "Blessed are those who labour and are heavy laden. For I will give them rest."
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venting Apr 2022
"Blessed are those who labour and are heavy laden. For I will give them rest."

Jesus - in that case, come back here on Earth. But this time, without special powers. And we want to see how you handle taking care of your elderly mother Mary, WITHOUT much outside help: all the stress/worries/emergencies on you. Let's see how well you manage.
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You only can do what you can do. Help but do not neglect yourself.

also consult with an attorney on elders law about what are and are not your responsibilities.

As I can read, she in the path of destruction
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Make sure to read what lealonnie1 said about getting her placed in SNF for the 20 day stay, then work out something else.

I have not read all the answers here, but a few things to remember:

The hospital stay has to be at least 3 days before Medicare will kick in for SNF.

DO NOT take her home with you at any point. You will lose too many options. If you say she cannot live with you, the hospital will appoint a social worker to help find placement.

We also found out the hard way, that Medicare will NOT pay for the SNF if the patient is put on hospice before they leave the hospital. apparently you have to argue that you believe she will get better. Then, in the mean time get her on Medicaid. My step dad was put on hospice because of stage 4 liver cancer and hospice was assigned before he went to the SNF. Hospice care was free (they didn't do much) but facility cost was out of pocket.

If she goes home, then at some point some other crisis force a new option. Just do not take her to your home for even 1 night or move in with her.
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Dear OP,

I hope everyone has given you good solutions! I only want to answer your question (are you supposed to sacrifice yourself?) :

NO.
If it gets to the point where you feel you’re being sacrificed, a change must be made.

No one was born, to later be sacrificed. Some people (especially men, brothers, etc.) will try to sacrifice others (especially females). Don’t let anyone sacrifice you. Please be a success story in your life.

Please come back to the forum one day, saying you’re a success story. The world needs success stories, especially daughters who succeeded! Daughters are often exploited!

Poodle (I’m male)
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eat-pray-love Apr 2022
LOOOVVEE your response! My thoughts precisely. Do not let anyone make you feel it is on you to do all of everything & sacrifice your life! Look at this as temporary (it is) & investigate alternatives?! I am a Realtor. When the property is Sold, any liens/loans against the property will be paid out of Escrow. Any idea value of property. Is prop worth more than the outstanding loans against it? My Mom is your Mom re: diet & exercise. Sad. But YOU, my Dear are destined for greater things.. Do as you can do-must do this minute. This will NOT be YOUR forever!
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Since your mother is in the hospital, tell case management that you are unable to care for her at home. They will place her into a skilled nursing facility that her finances can accommodate.
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wkelly,
You are in a hard place. I think polarbear gave great advice. Read it again.

I know it'll be hard. How do you just stop, and how do you stop feeling guilty? Well, you have to be strong, and you can't allow people - including your mother or hospital personnel - make you feel guilty. I don't think it's a case of your not loving your mother - it's the choices she's made. Nor are you abandoning her: you're just not in a position to provide care for her.

It seems logical that if she's in a hospital for the 2nd time in a few days after fracturing her spine, that she'd be released to a rehab facility. She may be forced to go because that's her only option. She won't like it. Afterwards is a different story, & you have to be unflinching about what you can or want to do. If her income is low, she may qualify for assistance. I know in some states you can't own property, so that could be a problem. You may have to navigate that for her - but get someone like a social worker involved.

As far as her house. I understand that houses with liens on them are hard, if not impossible, to sell. It may be repossessed, or the state may take it over. and If she's put out of her home, where does she go? You have to have a plan in place for that eventuality.

Yours is a complicated problem that goes beyond caring for your mother. I don't believe anyone here wants you to put yourself in an impossible situation, but if you take over her care, you very well may find yourself there for many, many years. It's not wrong - in fact it's healthy - to recognize your limitations and to work within them.

I wish you the best & echo what poodledoodle wrote.
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In many ways, this is almost my situation. I'm almost 30 and I had to give up most of my 20s to take care of my mom. My prime years are being wasted away because my mom won't pick up the slack and do more.

I should note she's 2 years younger than your mom and I can see her being around another 25-30 years because of longevity genes.

Like your mom, mine hardly does anything. She's been immobile and bedridden since 2018 and hurt her ankle while undergoing cancer treatments. She's still trying to recover from the treatments. She hates her circumstances, but doesn't hate them enough to put in more effort to get better. She'll try to do something, but she's inconsistent and doesn't stick with it. Before 2011, she never set foot in a gym and during the early 2010s, she hardly ever went to the gym she became a member of. She was there at times during summer 2011, but hardly went after that. I want to say 2013 was the last time she went to the gym for any sort of exercise. She did go there on some occasions and had me go inside and order smoothies for her. I think 2016 was the last time she got a smoothie from that gym. On a couple of occasions in 2019, she would try standing with her walker for several seconds to strengthen herself, but she stopped doing that and hasn't tried that since. A couple of years ago, she had me order some special walker on Amazon, but she's yet to use it. In fact, it's still in its box, never opened. Not too long after that purchase, she bought a floor elliptical. She used it somewhat regularly for a month and a half, but has hardly touched it after that. She used it 10 times during that month and a half span and that's the same amount of times she's used it from the start of last year until now.

She refuses to get extra help for fear of Covid and fear of getting robbed. She hardly trusts anyone and dumps all the responsibilities on me. She has some close friends and they're willing to help out, but she hardly ever calls on them for any sort of help. We have family, but they're too busy and or too old or weak to help. I'm exhausted and burned out, but she wants me to be her hands and feet and leans on me for encouragement and moral support, even though I'm not the encourager-type and I'm too tired to be her personal cheerleader. She needs motivation, extra help, and to exercise more, but she gets upset when someone tells her to exercise. Recently, I asked her if she wanted to drive again and she said yes, but then immediately started crying and accused me of reminding her of things she couldn't do. In reality, I was trying to motivate her. Talk about a head case AND a big baby.

I've had to do the grocery shopping since I graduated college and she hasn't been inside a grocery store since I think 2016. She hasn't attempted to drive in almost 2 and a half years. She thought about doing PT, but because of Covid, she had to wait and she's too scared to get any form of PT, even though I own 3 masks and she tells me to mask up when I go to various places. The few times people have been at home, she won't mask up.

If circumstances allowed it, I would've put her in the nursing home and kept her there until she got her mobility back and could live on her own. I'm beyond ready to check out and kick caregiving to the curb.
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WK and BB;

The job of family, as I see it, is to help arrange, facility and set up care, not to destroy your own life to provide it.

We are blessed to live in a country that provides (via Medicaid) long term medical care for folks who need it and who are financially needy. Get your parent to a CELA certified lawyer and find out how to get your parent qualified for Medicaid.

Saying "mom, I can;t do this anymore" was quite literally the hardest thing I've ever done. My mom's "emergencies", three days running that took me from a clinical job an hour away from mom's home--that's wasn't sustainable.

The fact that she didn't understand that I couldn't keep running to her side because there were ants in her kitchen was a further signal that something was amiss.

Don't give up your life or your job.
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Mush1963 Apr 2022
i agree with you! You can’t give up your life, especially when the parent isn’t willing to help themselves!! I was fortunate that my parents were tough and had high pain thresholds. My mom passed 2 years ago and my dad has Alzheimer’s (aggressive Lewy Body) he’s 85 and up until this pressure ulcer on his foot, would still be up an walking with his walker, with complete neuropathy in both feet and is fused from T8 all the way to his tailbone. He would get up and take a grub hoe and be grubbing up weeds in the garden.
I fear he’ll never walk again. Our crappy medical system. Ugh… he has home health, is bedridden and only get PT twice a week.
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wkelly121212: You must state to the hospitalist that it is an unsafe discharge from the hospital to her home.
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Mush1963 Apr 2022
That doesn’t matter in Texas. I appealed my dads discharge as unsafe. He was bedridden and had a Foley catheter and has Alzheimer’s, along with a pressure ulcer on the bottom of his foot that the podiatrist said could have zero pressure placed on it or the would would be compromised and he would end up with an amputation! He had a bone infection from it. Medicare upheld the discharge. He had been in the hospital from 3/8/22 with a bone infection and was IV antibiotics. The infectious disease doctor put him on oral antibiotics (which he would spit out) the oral meds caused abdominal pain, diarrhea, nausea, lack of appetite (which we already have a hard enough time getting him to eat) dizziness, headaches…an entire host of side effects. Augmentin and doxycycline. Which actually conflict each other!! Well, his WBC shot right back up, so they slapped him back on IV antibiotics right up until they discharged him on 4/4/22 direct to his home b/c no skilled nursing facility would take him b/c he has aggressive Alzheimer’s! Now, he’s being blackballed by all the skilled nursing facilities because they pull the hospitals clinical notes and they see that he was aggressive. Well, of course he was, they flip the light on at 3 am and come pushing a cart at him (and have a mask on) and think they’re going to draw blood, well what’s he supposed to do, he defends himself. I would jump up and say hang on. You have to talk to him and explain what you’re going to do. Some of those stupid nurses need to be kicked or hit…knock some of the rocks out of their heads! I had to look up on YouTube how to empty his Foley catheter. The home health didn’t come until he had been home two days. He gets two days of PT a week. That’s it. He needs about 5 days or he’ll never walk again. Hospitals don’t give a crap about the elderly anymore. They’re just $$ and then they’re disposable.
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You need to get doctors and social workers involved and let take it from there. Don’t feel guilty. You don’t have to go down on her ship.
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Most Senior Centers have a lawyer who specializes in Aging law to counsel you and give you advice. I live in southern California in Riverside so I know about the Senior Centers. Answer: no you do not have to spend your next 20 years being a caretaker. What kind of health insurance does your mom have? I have Kaiser HMO and also Medicare. They pay for hospitalization. They once wanted to kick me out before the three days were up, but I invented a medical reason for them to keep me there. They then ALWAYS ask about who will care for me at home. When I told them no one, they sent me to a rehab place. Medicare will pay for X number of days and in the meantime, you talk to a Senior Specialist lawyer. (As I said most Senior Centers which have recreation and free or low cost meals and so forth do have these on as consults). Hospitals ARE NOT ALLOWED to release a patient if there is no care for the patient at home. You tell them that she TEMPORARILY stayed with you but NOW is in need of MORE DAILY AND NIGHTLY care than you are able to give. Most hospitals also have a social worker. If she is no good or hampers you, contact your Office on Aging in your city and ask for a meeting with THEIR social worker. He or she will give you MANY resources for help.
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You know you think you have it bad until you read what someone else is going through! I feel so bad for you. You’re so young to be dealing with all this. I have three brothers, I’m the only girl. I’m the agent under my dad’s POA. My sweet mom passed two years ago. My parents were married for 64 years. I know now why God took her when he did, so she wouldn’t have to endure going through this with my dad. He was one of the reasons she had a mild heart attack (she already had alot of heart problems). He has Lewy Body Dementia/Alzheimer’s. Which, is an aggressive form of dementia. He recently had to be hospitalized for a pressure ulcer on the bottom on his foot that was severely infected (all the way to the bone) on his first metatarsal. He has complete neuropathy in both feet because of major nerve damage in his back. So, we had no idea he even had this terrible place on his foot. He always wore black ankle socks and his Sperry’s (he’s 84) Once I discovered it, I took him to the ER immediately. That was 3/8/22. Hospital discharged him direct to home(b/c no skilled nursing would take him because he was aggressive). We’ve had home health. They discharged him w/a Foley catheter & didn’t even show me how to empty it. Thank goodness for YouTube. It has been hell, caregiver burnout is very real and I’m not near as young as you. I’m fortunate that my parents were blessed and made a very good living. I would think as liberal as California is, your mom would qualify for Medicaid and could be put into an assisted living home or nursing home. If I were you, I would try singing her up for Medicaid. Especially BEFORE the bank repos her house, townhome whatever she lives in. My parents took care of themselves. My dad will be 85 next month. He has worn his body out working at his ranch and with his electrical company that he had for 35 years. If his mind wasn’t gone, it wouldn’t be so bad. He has hallucinations and just doesn’t have a clue that they were talking about amputating his leg above the knee! Only one brother helps me and then I pay a friend to take care of him during the day.
You should not feel bad for have your mom put in a home where she can get the help she needs and proper nutrition. And, depending on how bad of a diabetic she is, she won’t make it another 10 years. Check her A1-C. If it’s above 5, that really bad. I’ve been dealing with my dad for two years and I’m 58 right now. I want my life back!! We have 3 people that alternate staying with my dad around the clock. But my brother and I both have houses and pets that need to be taken care of. My husband has been wonderful b/c his dad passed about 7 years ago from Alzheimer’s. You need to live your life. Do yourself a favor and buy some cheap small cameras and put in your mom’s room (if you have her put in a home) then you can see what’s going on. I used to do nursing home law and medical malpractice here in Texas. Nursing homes can really be bad. Just do your research. If your mom has no assets, hopefully she has some social security and that will have to be signed over to the nursing home. Live your life and get your mom some help. Heck, maybe she’ll make some friends there. They have game nights and crafts…all kinds of stuff. God bless you and good luck. 🙏
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CTTN55 Apr 2022
"Check her A1-C. If it’s above 5, that really bad. "

Not according to this: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/type-1-diabetes/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20353017
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This is hard to say but you need to walk away from your situation. You are enabling her what you have to say to yourself what if I wasn't there. If she wants help she will get it.

I have a brother who is a drug addict and my mother enables him I keep telling her what if you weren't there he would have to do it on his own. I know this is very different than your problem but its the same concept. Walk away.

I had to do this just recently to my brother in law to get him the help he needs. He has dementia and his family is enabling him so I had to walk away from the situation too. I can't change what is going on there and talking to the doctor or nurse doesn't get me anywhere except for them telling those people that I don't know what I am doing(which I have a medical degree and they don't). So I choose to walk away from anything that he does or says. I only take care of the bills and buy him the food that I follow from one doctor that said lower sodium. One of his family told me that the doctor doesn't want us to watch anything meaning carbs or sodium she is killing him but the doctor didn't say that because I can get into his records to see what the doctor wrote which the doctor wrote to watch both of them but not as strict as I wanted it. So I have walked away from this man who I took care of for 15yrs without their help just because they are POA's now after one year. Its hard but I know I have to do this for myself and my family.

Prayers to you. But walk away from it.
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reallyfedup Apr 2022
First, have her see a physician, preferably a gerontologist if you have one in town. If she won't go, at the very least try to set up a video visit.

Second, ask her to give you a financial power of attorney. Third, see if the bank will give you info on the mortgage. Also check with the county recording office. In most places whichever lien is recorded first in the land records has higher priority than later recorded liens. If you have the POA, you will probably be able to talk to them. The house certainly can be sold with liens, it's just that she won't get the money. I'm surprised the bank hasn't foreclosed. If she ends up in bankruptcy, the house usually is protected but that doesn't mean much if she's lost it to foreclosure.

Fourth, see an attorney who specializes in elderly issues. One consultation should not cost a lot of money. I doubt CA prosecutes people who don't care for their parents.

Fifth, see a psychologist who specializes in these types of issues. You need to get a grip on the dynamics among you, your mother, and your brother and help you deal with the anger that is only hurting you.

Sixth, check into county or city services for the elderly. They may have excellent resources. I have a sense of the trapped feeling you have. Take care of yourself.
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Oh my, you are way too young to be doing this. I am twice your age and it is hard on me and my siblings who do help ( one more than the other) but it primarily falls on me and my husband. My mother currently lives with us, but has agreed to go to a nearby assisted living facility. I, like you, find myself resentful sometimes of her health issues because of her life choices. She smoked for probably 50 years or more. Pretended to quit for years, but would sneak around continuing to smoke. We all knew it. We all begged her to quit. To which she would reply “shut up!”. Even as little children we would beg. She also never exercised. She now has emphysema/ COPD, Afib, she said has 24/7 O2, cannot walk without a walker, has fallen three times with injury and subsequent PT for months, has had a hypoxia incident where I found her unconscious. It’s hard ( impossible) not to be resentful at times. I know I shouldn’t, and I continue to take care of her, but it is difficult. You really should contact your local agency on aging for assistance in finding counseling, health care services, etc. If your mother has no money to care for herself would she not qualify for Medicaid? Is she of sound mind? Can she make inquiries for herself? If you can talk your brother into approaching her with a united front, maybe the two of you could convince her to seek assistance beyond what the two of you can provide. Your resentment will grow. And no, you definitely should not be expected to lose the prime of your life this way. I’m not suggesting you abandon her altogether, but you cannot and should not do it all by yourself and you shouldn’t have to spend this time of your life angry and distressed all the time. I hope you find a solution.
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wkelly-we could go for drinks for a week! I’ve been taking care of my mom since 9y/o I am 58.
my dad (love of life) just passed 2 weeks ago. He was active, happy are healthy-had crap genes. Mom eats like your mom-she has 6 bgs of chip a hoy on top of fridge now.
it upset my dad & quite frankly everyone at how her health did not reflect her lifestyle. Well it does now-82-in the Hosp 46 days now-IF she gets out of hospital she will go to nursing home as I cannot take care of her she is dead weight.
not familiar w/ CA law-but is there a social worker you could speak with? Or perhaps a religious helper/group.
In MO- IF an elderly person is injured in hospital more than 3 days -needs care to be relaxed- they can be - allocated to nursing facility-Medicare bed. Just in case future falls.
I occasionally cry I do not have a “mother/daughter” relationship-but I am trying my darndest to 90* with my 21 y/o daughter. Good luck I will say 🙏🏼
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Let your conscience by your guide! Step out while you can and return if your conscience pushes you back but, but go immediately. You are in a pickle jar marinating with her as you feel like what goes around comes around. The longer you stay the closer you become just like her!! Go!!
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