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So, she fractured her spine a few days ago falling down. Was in hospital for that time and I took her home. My brother called me today and said she fell down again and is back at the hospital. Dad is dead, and it's just me and my brother, no other family. I mean we have other family, but my parents never let me meet them so effectively I don't, we never met. My mom always said they didn't like her because she was brown skinned, but I don't know if that's true or not. I am adopted, she is not my biological mom. I was adopted at 6 months old so effectively she was. They were ok parents, I never went hungry, or was abused, or anything like that. But they never let me do the things I wanted. Example, I wanted guitar lessons, but they forced me to do piano instead. Anyway, I digress. She has been mostly bed ridden since my dad died like 3 years ago. She doesn't handle adversity well, basically just shuts down for years, same thing happened when her mom died. She is obese now, diabetic, had her thyroid removed for something, and she takes Ritalin daily. She never took care of herself; it was Jack in the Box 3 meals a day. Beer or Wine were the drinks of choice, mostly wine, certainly not water. I never saw her do any form of exercise, EVER. The most exercise she got was walking into a store. She would order gadgets and stuff from amazon, use it for a day and then discard it. They bought a $250,000 motorhome and used it once and then they had to sell it, that's just one example, there are many more. They were terrible with money and unfortunately it rubbed off on me. I am just now, at age 33, starting to budget and save my money. I will not end up like her, no way. Her only income is Social Security, the house is going to be repossessed at some point, I don't think she has made a mortgage payment for 2 years. Can't sell it, there are 3 leans on the house, I talked to a real estate friend, and she looked it up for me. Said unless the leans are taken care of its basically unsellable. I don't care that they have nothing to leave me, I think people should take care of themselves and not be given things. But I also don't think I should have to sacrifice my future because they wasted their money and bodies away. I've been taking care of her for the last 3-4 years since my dad died, and a couple years while he was still around. I do all the grocery shopping, all the shopping in general actually. I hate her for putting me in this position, something I would never do to someone else. I make 30 dollars an hour, but no benefits. No health insurance or even sick time. She won't go to a facility willingly; it will have to be forced on her. Either through the state or eviction. In California there are laws that if a child doesn't take care of an elder you can be guilty of a misdemeanor. But I don't have the resources to hire someone, and she won't go to a facility. Am I going to get arrested? I have a brother, but he is bipolar and doesn't have a car, so he is basically useless. The thing is I don't feel bad for her at all, the way I see it she brought this on herself with poor lifestyle choices, which have consequences. I only do it because that's what's expected of me by other people and there is literally nobody else. She doesn't have any friends either. I don't think they ever went out and did something with anyone besides me and my brother my entire life. I mean if she had even made an attempt to be healthy, I'd probably feel different, but she didn't. I don't know what to do, she is like 72 right now. I could see her living for another ten years. Am I supposed to sacrifice my late twenties and all my thirties for her? That's the time to be setting up my life, for me. I'm already burned out from what I've been doing the last 4-5 years. I can't be around her for more than 2 minutes without getting mad, and I don't get mad often. Anyway, I know it's long but if anyone could give me some advice, I would appreciate it greatly. Thx.

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wkelly - you are wrong. And that's a good thing.

You wrote: " In California there are laws that if a child doesn't take care of an elder you can be guilty of a misdemeanor."
Not true. From reading on this forum, that law was never enforced. Adult children are not forced to take in, or take care of, or pay for their parents' care. You are safe. You will not be arrested.

You wrote: "But I don't have the resources to hire someone..."
You should not have to spend your money on her care. If she has money, then use it on her. If she does not have money, then she can (with your help) apply for Medicaid.

You wrote: "I hate her for putting me in this position..."
No, she can demand all day long, but you have to agree. So, stop agreeing. Stop taking care of her.

RIGHT NOW, while she is in the hospital is the PERFECT time to stop.

What you have to do is, TELL the hospital that your mother has NO ONE at home to take care of her. NO ONE. You are NOT available. You have to work to make a living. Don't waiver on this.

The hospital will have to figure out what she needs and find a place for her.

You're done sacrificing your life taking care of her.

As for the liens on the house, your friend is wrong. Generally, liens are satisfied (paid) from the sale proceeds. Unless, the value of the house is less than the total amount of all the liens, your mother should end up with some money from the sale. If the liens are more than the value of the house, then it's not worth going through the trouble of selling it. You just let the lien holders force the foreclosure.
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AlvaDeer Apr 2022
EXCELLENT advice and information, all of it.
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I live in California. What you do now is don’t take her out of the hospital if you can’t handle her. Just say unsafe discharge and push for rehab.
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wkelly121212 Apr 2022
We tried that, appealed the ruling and they declined it. Said if she was going to stay longer it will be out of pocket.
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Is Mom in the hospital now?
The Hospital Social Worker can help plan her next move.

Either one of these paths will be chosen;
1. She recovers enough to live alone (unlikely by the sounds) 2. Can return to her home with intermittent in-home carers
3. Requires 24/7care, so moves into a care facility.

My advice is don't get tied up with too much info when dealing with the Hospital. Just the facts Ma'am approach.
If you can't do it - just say so.
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Polarbear is correct. The house can be sold and at that time the liens will be paid.

Right about now, a social worker will be your best advocate, in my opinion. Tell the hospital staff that you need to meet with one ASAP (it's actually standard where I live before someone like your mom is discharged).

If it were me in your shoes, I would do as the others here have advised and let the hospital social worker find placement for your mother in a rehab. If she is able to go home and care for herself, then fine, but if she is not then she should stay in a care facility where there is around-the-clock help for her. However, be aware that even if she is able to return home this time, at some point she will no longer be able to live alone and the decision of what to do will once again fall at your feet.

I would try to get a real estate POA so that you can put her house on the market if she isn't able to return to it. Then take whatever proceeds are left after the liens are satisfied and put it toward her care.

I would apply for medicare for her - or have the social worker help you. Heck, apply for every option that she has. Was your dad a veteran? If so, apply to the VA as well and to Medicaid.

Approach this situation as the opportunity to make some positive changes.

I can tell you from experience that things will not get any easier for you if you continue to bear the burden of your mother's care. Turn it over to the professionals at this point if you can.

After caring for my mother for the past 16 years and counting, I can tell you that you WILL give up your life if you continue to take this on yourself.

Blessings and peace.
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If she has not been declared incompetent, then your mother is responsible for herself. How much you want to help her is up to you. The law cannot obligate you to care for her. I hope you do not plan on letting her live with you if she should become homeless due to a foreclosure. As for becoming her POA, I would not recommend it for you. I was DPOA for my mother until she died. I wished I had not agreed to so it. The responsibility and obligations became too over whelming, physically and emotionally.
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Dear OP,

I hope everyone has given you good solutions! I only want to answer your question (are you supposed to sacrifice yourself?) :

NO.
If it gets to the point where you feel you’re being sacrificed, a change must be made.

No one was born, to later be sacrificed. Some people (especially men, brothers, etc.) will try to sacrifice others (especially females). Don’t let anyone sacrifice you. Please be a success story in your life.

Please come back to the forum one day, saying you’re a success story. The world needs success stories, especially daughters who succeeded! Daughters are often exploited!

Poodle (I’m male)
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eat-pray-love Apr 2022
LOOOVVEE your response! My thoughts precisely. Do not let anyone make you feel it is on you to do all of everything & sacrifice your life! Look at this as temporary (it is) & investigate alternatives?! I am a Realtor. When the property is Sold, any liens/loans against the property will be paid out of Escrow. Any idea value of property. Is prop worth more than the outstanding loans against it? My Mom is your Mom re: diet & exercise. Sad. But YOU, my Dear are destined for greater things.. Do as you can do-must do this minute. This will NOT be YOUR forever!
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Wkelly, those filial laws are rarely if ever enforced. If it ever got to the point of going before a judge, the judge would look at your ability to pay and support your parent. Those with a lot of money, assets and time would be more likely to be court ordered to support their parents. The vast majority of those who are wealthy and able to support their parents do so anyway. Those in your position who need to work to support themselves and are just getting by are not going to be court ordered to support their parents, so please don't worry about those laws.
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Make sure to read what lealonnie1 said about getting her placed in SNF for the 20 day stay, then work out something else.

I have not read all the answers here, but a few things to remember:

The hospital stay has to be at least 3 days before Medicare will kick in for SNF.

DO NOT take her home with you at any point. You will lose too many options. If you say she cannot live with you, the hospital will appoint a social worker to help find placement.

We also found out the hard way, that Medicare will NOT pay for the SNF if the patient is put on hospice before they leave the hospital. apparently you have to argue that you believe she will get better. Then, in the mean time get her on Medicaid. My step dad was put on hospice because of stage 4 liver cancer and hospice was assigned before he went to the SNF. Hospice care was free (they didn't do much) but facility cost was out of pocket.

If she goes home, then at some point some other crisis force a new option. Just do not take her to your home for even 1 night or move in with her.
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WK and BB;

The job of family, as I see it, is to help arrange, facility and set up care, not to destroy your own life to provide it.

We are blessed to live in a country that provides (via Medicaid) long term medical care for folks who need it and who are financially needy. Get your parent to a CELA certified lawyer and find out how to get your parent qualified for Medicaid.

Saying "mom, I can;t do this anymore" was quite literally the hardest thing I've ever done. My mom's "emergencies", three days running that took me from a clinical job an hour away from mom's home--that's wasn't sustainable.

The fact that she didn't understand that I couldn't keep running to her side because there were ants in her kitchen was a further signal that something was amiss.

Don't give up your life or your job.
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Mush1963 Apr 2022
i agree with you! You can’t give up your life, especially when the parent isn’t willing to help themselves!! I was fortunate that my parents were tough and had high pain thresholds. My mom passed 2 years ago and my dad has Alzheimer’s (aggressive Lewy Body) he’s 85 and up until this pressure ulcer on his foot, would still be up an walking with his walker, with complete neuropathy in both feet and is fused from T8 all the way to his tailbone. He would get up and take a grub hoe and be grubbing up weeds in the garden.
I fear he’ll never walk again. Our crappy medical system. Ugh… he has home health, is bedridden and only get PT twice a week.
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You need to get doctors and social workers involved and let take it from there. Don’t feel guilty. You don’t have to go down on her ship.
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