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He's 85 and crazy as a bed bug as they say. He doesn't do anything for himself and constantly pees all over our house and I feel he does it on purpose because he knows I am the one that has to clean up after him. He won't even change his depends when its obviously so full that it leaks onto his bed and his pants and stinks but still he acts like its ok. He uses the hand sanitizer I put in his bathroom as hair tonic and uses an entire roll of toilet paper everyday but I can't figure out what he using it for since he pees all over the floor and his clothes and the furniture. He sleeps all day and then stays up all night banging around while my husband and I try to get some sleep. He's been deaf for 20 years and refused to learn sign language so talking to him is out of the question. I hate the sight of him and fear I will snap on his old *ss and end up in jail for doing so. His other children ( 1 girl-61 and 2 boys 62 & 58) are absouluetly worthless and never had a home so they can't take him. He has no money and I refuse to pay for this old man's nursing home bills so what do I do. I WANT OUT OF THIS SO BAD I'M ABOUT TO DIVORCE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE OVER IT.

What does your husband say about all this? Have you applied for Medicaid? Something clearly needs to change ASAP. More info, please.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Riverdale Feb 14, 2020
Completely agree. Your husband needs to become proactive. This sounds like a terrible life to be leading and you and your house don't deserve the abuse. If there is no money he should qualify for Medicaid. I couldn't live with my mother or my late MIL which my husband agreed to. They both came to accept placement in a proper facility. I hope there is a change for you. I recall a similar post a few months back. Sadly certain posters don't update here.
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There are other options for your FIL and if you move out your husband will have to find them - let him know that you have reached your breaking point and one way or another this can not continue. Hopefully he will choose you over his father, but if not be prepared to walk away. Maybe it doesn't need to be forever, perhaps just until DH wakes up to how crazy this arrangement is.
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Reply to cwillie
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I'm sorry. This is so disgusting. He probably can't help it, given his age, etc. It may seem willful on his part, but I really doubt it.

So, I would put him in a nursing home ASAP. Or yesterday.

If he has no money, he will have to go on gov't aid of some sort. You are NOT responsible for paying a dime for his care.

If hubby does not agree, move out on a temporary basis. If you love him, tell him so. BUT tell him that you REFUSE to live under these conditions.
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Reply to againx100
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OK, so your husband - the love of your life - has already chosen to believe his father over you. Frankly it shouldn't matter if your FIL is the devil or a saint, your voice should be the one that gets top billing. Time to go on an extended vacation and let your husband deal with his father - one month should be sufficient, don't you think?
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Reply to cwillie
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You have reached a breaking point and need to make a change before you do something you'll regret.  Your FIL sounds a lot like my husband.  He has become careless and messy (he was very fastidious when younger) and when I complain, it falls on deaf ears.  I honestly think he has the first stages of dementia.  That said, you shouldn't be talking divorce - you LOVE your husband for goodness sake!   I agree with cwillie and others here who suggest that you move out - if that's what it takes to get him to a NH.  I'd send you hugs, but I think you're past that - you need to resolve this situation now.
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Reply to dlpandjep
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If your DH is the love of your life and isn't blind, he sees and should understand exactly what's going on in his own home with his father. If not, move out and let him see and FEEL what you're going through. That should bring him out of his coma and into the real world mighty quick.

Wishing you the best of luck!
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Reply to lealonnie1
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This is not a judgment on you, please understand.

No one can make you a caregiver for someone you are feeling this way about.
No one can force you to pay for his nursing home bills either.

It is understandable that you feel this way, by what you have said, and I believe you.

Unless you are chained outback overnight while your husband and his father sleep, there is no way you should stay a moment longer.

A situation like this will kill any love you have left for your husband.
He seems a part of this living a lie, not believing you. If you continue to allow yourself to be an indentured servant, you may never recover from this bitterness and burnout. If you believe what you have said here, (you would have to pay for your Fil's NH?)you may have been gaslighted. You can look that up.

You do not need a solution, you just need to walk out with what dignity you have left, and do it now.

It should be against the law for anyone to have to endure this treatment. And, imo, you should not be allowed to come near this elderly old fool to protect him and yourself from the hate brewing.

Just leave.
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Reply to Sendhelp
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"Hey hubs.. dad peed in the corner again,, I've dealt with it all day, and now that you are home,, your UP!!" He gets a break at work, you get yours when he gets home. Go in your room, watch TV, eat ice cream and ignore the incoming situation. Hopefully after a day or so your hubs will get the picture. If not, perhaps it's time to visit a relative or two.. or a friend who will welcome you and let you get some sleep. He can't hear? Get a white board and write your messages to him,, like "you peed in the corner, here is the cleaner and a rag,, knock yourself out" . As for the hand sanitizer.. at least you know his hair is sterile! I feel so bad for you!
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Reply to pamzimmrrt
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So what is the “love of your life” doing while dad is peeing in the corner, or watching you clean it up? Or is the old geezer just tormenting you, and all’s well when hubby gets home? I think you need to take a little sabbatical from caregiving. Even if it’s just a retreat into your room for a day or so, under the weather etc. You don’t say if hubs helps you at all....if he doesn’t maybe you’re not the “love of his life”? And why do you think you’d have to pay for his care outside your house?
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Reply to rocketjcat
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Maybe I'm an especially cold person but I under no circumstances would put up with this behavior for even a day. I would have no qualms about leaving. They say charity begins at home but I don't think they meant cleaning up someone's pee all day when "they" who ever that is said it.

Run for the hills!
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Reply to Gershun
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This may sound awful of me but how can your husband let this happen to you? This man is his responsibility. I would give him a few options. 1 ) he needs to hire a caregiver and a house cleaner. 2) he needs to put his Dad in a nursing home and why should you and you husband pay? There is Medicaid
3) He does #1 or you leave. Period.
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Reply to Sascha18
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Have you had him evaluated for a Dementia. This is not normal. That would be my first thing. When u find out and he is found incompetent and needs 24/7 care then get him placed in LTC unit under Medicaid. If he lands in the hospital and goes to rehab, have him evaluated for LTC. Hopefully there is one attached so he can transfer right over. Start the Medicaid application.

I don't see anything where ur husband believes Dad over u as said in a reply. Does your hubby think this is normal? I would no longer clean up after him. I probably wouldn't have from day one. I don't do well with bodily functions of other people. Time for a sit down. This is not your job. Dad needs pros to care for him.

I wouldn't even hire a caregiver. They are not going to be able to do anything about his peeing all over either. They say deaf people are more likely to get a Dementia.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I can relate to your feelings of anger and downright rage at someone so difficult. You're human and you've been under tremendous strain. However, if you're really feeling like you could harm this man, then either he leaves the situation or you do until a long-term, honest-to-goodness, comprehensive solution can be reached on how to proceed with his care.
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Reply to Mysteryshopper
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That may be what you have to do, if your husband chooses his Dad over you.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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This is the single most important reason why YOU should leave, take a break from burnout, and sort this out with your husband from afar.
"I hate the sight of him and fear I will snap on his old *ss and end up in jail for doing so."
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Reply to Sendhelp
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Blackjack, it’s been a couple if weeks since you posted...hows it going? Hopefully your husband has stepped up his game and things are improving?
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JoAnn29 Feb 27, 2020
Yes, I would like to know how things are working out.
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I am sorry for your situation and commend you for helping even though you" hate it!" First things first!
I strongly suggest that you see a therapist and your doctor as you are a walking time bomb for a stroke, heart attack, diabetes....... Your anger has reached a point of everyone in your home is at risk!
I would like to know how your husband feels about this situation with HIS father! Also is your father alive? If not , I have no idea, you may resent caring for your husband's father while you have no father. This is not to hurt you ,just a question that can help explain your over the top anger.How does your husband feel about your hate?
How will he feel when he reads that He is the love of your life BUT you are about ready to leave him.............most people who are healthy would NEVER say that they will NEVER want to leave or be without the love of their life BECAUSE THAT WILL HAPPEN SOONER THAN YOU THINK! Your emotions need help for several reasons one being wasting time you have alive and able to do things ! Karma is real and someday sooner than you think you may be 85 and peeing all over your house! Kindness and a good long loving talk with your husband would be a good start! Dr. Jack Grenan

A Couple of suggestions , First contact a lawyer and with your wife go over his finances to see what is available each month to pay for a home OR a home nurse visit everyday. He is eligible to go to a government home that fits your/his budget.If you are religious go visit your pastor and ask for help from members of your church.
Your father in-law will most likely die soon and that will end that! How will your husband feel? How will he feel when he reads what you wrote,"
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blackjack1 Feb 29, 2020
Im not angry all the time and for you to suggest so is insensitive at best.I don't know what kind of doctor you are but I am glad your not mine. My father has passed and I did take care of him until he did without any issues.maybe you didn't read the part of my post that's staes that this man has never been a good dad or husband and that none of his children except my husband is willing to deal with him unless payment is involved.
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My husband is taking me to the beach for a break but we have to pay his sister a $1000 to watch her own Dad for the week. I guess that's a small price to pay when looking at the big picture. I turn a blind eye to the things he does anymore and just laugh at it.( he put jelly on his napkin the other morning and when I asked him why he said he always does it like that) so that's pretty crazy if you ask me but what do I know I only live with him right.

I will not let this man destroy my marriage at any cost
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ExhaustedPiper Feb 29, 2020
What happens when you get back from the beach? What will change?

Also what is the reason your FIL can't get on medicaid and go live in a care home?
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Blackjack, you haven't answered any of the reasonable questions posed to you.

"...we have to pay his sister a $1000 to watch her own Dad for the week..." No, you don't have to do anything of the sort. Your husband is *choosing* to pay his sister.

"...Im not angry all the time and for you to suggest so is insensitive at best..." Your post and responses come across as angry. You are understandably angry and not just at your FIL. Recognize that you are angry with your husband for doing nothing and for choosing to believe his father instead of his wife.

"...I hate the sight of him and fear I will snap on his old *ss and end up in jail..." The beach is not going to solve this problem. It will be right there when you get home from the beach. Any rest and relaxation you got at the beach will disappear within days at best and minutes at worst when you get home from the beach.

Have a plan for when you get home from the beach. Even if that plan is picking up your bag from the beach and spending the night at a motel it's better than putting yourself right back into your current situation.

Your husband must face the truth. The best way for him to see it is for him to deal with it. Let your husband deal with his father for a few days. You will either get a huge apology from your husband or you won't. And if you don't, then you have your answer. Being served with divorce papers may be what it takes to snap your husband out of his FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) toward his father.
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Reply to NYDaughterInLaw
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A break in a trip to the beach--nice. BUT, you have to pay a family member $1000 to come and take care of FIL--so, what do YOU get paid??

I think that the beach will be a nice place to lay it out for DH.

"Dad goes, or I go. Not angrily, but just, I'll go."

A few years ago my DH said he felt his mom should come live with us. I couldn't believe he actually said that. I told him, "If YOU feel your mom needs to not be living alone, then by all means, YOU GO LIVE WITH HER." He called me selfish, mean, un-loving, you name it but I was firm. For one thing, she didn't WANT to live with us anymore than I wanted her to live here.

If he ever moved her in with us, we would no longer be living together. Period. And to try to make me feel 'guilty' b/c he feels guilty. Ridiculous. MY mom wanted to move in with us and I kiboshed that pretty fast.

The 'love of your life' is not treating you as if you were the 'love of his life'. I'm sorry if that hurts to hear, but he is allowing his father to use and abuse you.

I hope when you come home from your trip that the sib who is helping you is so burned out she tells your DH off and helps you find a placement for him. Maybe fresh eyes on the scene will be a wakeup call.

Personally, if my FIL had ever peed all over my house--No, just No. Even our DOG didn't get to do that.
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Reply to Midkid58
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Why did you quit your job? Why did your H agree to let his father move in?

The whole family (except for YOU the "outlaw" is getting their needs met....your FIL, your H (because YOU take care HIS father) and his siblings. NONE of YOUR needs are being met, are they?

How do you think you can change this situation? And WILL you change this situation, even it involves moving out?
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