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He's 85 and crazy as a bed bug as they say. He doesn't do anything for himself and constantly pees all over our house and I feel he does it on purpose because he knows I am the one that has to clean up after him. He won't even change his depends when its obviously so full that it leaks onto his bed and his pants and stinks but still he acts like its ok. He uses the hand sanitizer I put in his bathroom as hair tonic and uses an entire roll of toilet paper everyday but I can't figure out what he using it for since he pees all over the floor and his clothes and the furniture. He sleeps all day and then stays up all night banging around while my husband and I try to get some sleep. He's been deaf for 20 years and refused to learn sign language so talking to him is out of the question. I hate the sight of him and fear I will snap on his old *ss and end up in jail for doing so. His other children ( 1 girl-61 and 2 boys 62 & 58) are absouluetly worthless and never had a home so they can't take him. He has no money and I refuse to pay for this old man's nursing home bills so what do I do. I WANT OUT OF THIS SO BAD I'M ABOUT TO DIVORCE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE OVER IT.

OK, so your husband - the love of your life - has already chosen to believe his father over you. Frankly it shouldn't matter if your FIL is the devil or a saint, your voice should be the one that gets top billing. Time to go on an extended vacation and let your husband deal with his father - one month should be sufficient, don't you think?
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Reply to cwillie
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Maybe I'm an especially cold person but I under no circumstances would put up with this behavior for even a day. I would have no qualms about leaving. They say charity begins at home but I don't think they meant cleaning up someone's pee all day when "they" who ever that is said it.

Run for the hills!
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Reply to Gershun
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There are other options for your FIL and if you move out your husband will have to find them - let him know that you have reached your breaking point and one way or another this can not continue. Hopefully he will choose you over his father, but if not be prepared to walk away. Maybe it doesn't need to be forever, perhaps just until DH wakes up to how crazy this arrangement is.
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Reply to cwillie
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This is not a judgment on you, please understand.

No one can make you a caregiver for someone you are feeling this way about.
No one can force you to pay for his nursing home bills either.

It is understandable that you feel this way, by what you have said, and I believe you.

Unless you are chained outback overnight while your husband and his father sleep, there is no way you should stay a moment longer.

A situation like this will kill any love you have left for your husband.
He seems a part of this living a lie, not believing you. If you continue to allow yourself to be an indentured servant, you may never recover from this bitterness and burnout. If you believe what you have said here, (you would have to pay for your Fil's NH?)you may have been gaslighted. You can look that up.

You do not need a solution, you just need to walk out with what dignity you have left, and do it now.

It should be against the law for anyone to have to endure this treatment. And, imo, you should not be allowed to come near this elderly old fool to protect him and yourself from the hate brewing.

Just leave.
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Reply to Sendhelp
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So what is the “love of your life” doing while dad is peeing in the corner, or watching you clean it up? Or is the old geezer just tormenting you, and all’s well when hubby gets home? I think you need to take a little sabbatical from caregiving. Even if it’s just a retreat into your room for a day or so, under the weather etc. You don’t say if hubs helps you at all....if he doesn’t maybe you’re not the “love of his life”? And why do you think you’d have to pay for his care outside your house?
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Reply to rocketjcat
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This may sound awful of me but how can your husband let this happen to you? This man is his responsibility. I would give him a few options. 1 ) he needs to hire a caregiver and a house cleaner. 2) he needs to put his Dad in a nursing home and why should you and you husband pay? There is Medicaid
3) He does #1 or you leave. Period.
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Reply to Sascha18
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"Hey hubs.. dad peed in the corner again,, I've dealt with it all day, and now that you are home,, your UP!!" He gets a break at work, you get yours when he gets home. Go in your room, watch TV, eat ice cream and ignore the incoming situation. Hopefully after a day or so your hubs will get the picture. If not, perhaps it's time to visit a relative or two.. or a friend who will welcome you and let you get some sleep. He can't hear? Get a white board and write your messages to him,, like "you peed in the corner, here is the cleaner and a rag,, knock yourself out" . As for the hand sanitizer.. at least you know his hair is sterile! I feel so bad for you!
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Reply to pamzimmrrt
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Have you had him evaluated for a Dementia. This is not normal. That would be my first thing. When u find out and he is found incompetent and needs 24/7 care then get him placed in LTC unit under Medicaid. If he lands in the hospital and goes to rehab, have him evaluated for LTC. Hopefully there is one attached so he can transfer right over. Start the Medicaid application.

I don't see anything where ur husband believes Dad over u as said in a reply. Does your hubby think this is normal? I would no longer clean up after him. I probably wouldn't have from day one. I don't do well with bodily functions of other people. Time for a sit down. This is not your job. Dad needs pros to care for him.

I wouldn't even hire a caregiver. They are not going to be able to do anything about his peeing all over either. They say deaf people are more likely to get a Dementia.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I'm sorry. This is so disgusting. He probably can't help it, given his age, etc. It may seem willful on his part, but I really doubt it.

So, I would put him in a nursing home ASAP. Or yesterday.

If he has no money, he will have to go on gov't aid of some sort. You are NOT responsible for paying a dime for his care.

If hubby does not agree, move out on a temporary basis. If you love him, tell him so. BUT tell him that you REFUSE to live under these conditions.
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Reply to againx100
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This is the single most important reason why YOU should leave, take a break from burnout, and sort this out with your husband from afar.
"I hate the sight of him and fear I will snap on his old *ss and end up in jail for doing so."
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