Hi, I'm new to this forum. Here's the backstory: My dad and I have never gotten along. I am not sure if it's a subconscious thing on his end, but he's never really liked me. He has told me the most horrible things, things you'd never tell a daughter. He treats the other siblings just fine. I am the middle child out of three kids.
Really high level: My dad's health started taking a major turn for the worse in the last 10 years, more so the last 6 years. His heart is only functioning at 20% and he's half-blind. He let his house go and needs help with some labor throughout the house. I help out with 98% of it. I mow his lawn, shovel snow, clean up his dog poop in his house (never trained the dog properly), clean out the gutters of his roof, list goes on and on. My sister helps out when she's able to, but she lives out of state. My brother? Hasn't done much of anything to help. He has no desire or anticipatory nature to do anything.
I have taken the brunt of the responsibility and have become the lightning rod for his anger and resentment. He is also the most negative, difficult person I have ever met. This has been so toxic for me, as well as physically and emotionally draining. My health has fallen apart. I don't even PRODUCE cortisol anymore. I am a literal burnout. I struggle with so many emotions. I resent him, I wonder why me? Why am I the one picking up the chores? The ONE time my sister-in-law helped, he was able to clean the house and act like a perfect angel, so no one else sees that I am getting the brunt of his negativity..
I also try to see things from his angle. I see he is limited due to his upbringing. He's reverted back to a wounded child. He was abused as a child. But that still gives him no right to treat me so poorly for so long.
If my mom were still alive, this would NOT happen. She would not allow him to turn into a negative couch potato.
How do I manage going through this without shaving my head and driving into parked cars? (kidding). In all seriousness, I really feel alone. I don't know anyone else who is going through this, and it makes me resent everyone for not being able to relate to me, to not understand that this has taken a major toll. It's affecting my relationships. I absolutely hate it.
Asking for outside help is not an option. My dad already refuses it.
Your story sounds similar to mine. My father verbally abused my mom and I for years. I had an unhappy childhood and grew into an adult with no self confidence, constant worry and had two failed marriages because I made bad choices due to my childhood. My mother passed away many years ago and I stepped in to help my father. Now he needs constant care and everyone is looking to me do it and I can not. His family knows how he is but yet expects me to do it all. Right now I'm struggling so bad with anxiety and depression because of this. My advice to you is to get someone to come in and help even if he does not want it. Also, it is probably best for him to be placed in LTC. I know how difficult this can be because right now my father does not want LTC or regular help inside the home because he expects me to do it all even though I work. My mom would never expect this of me. My last piece of advice is to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! It is OK to put your needs first. You deserve it for being a wonderful daughter to someone who mistreated you. Sending prayers to you!
Choice 2. Start getting advice now for placement. Tell your siblings Watch the dominos fall
did you know roughly 30% of carers die before the person they care for
if your dad refuses outside help then do less. A lot less. If he abuses, threatens or hits you. Bonus. Call cops. Refuse to take him back. You have to give yourself positive talk and actions. Don’t be guilted into anything. Best of luck
At any rate. I understand the dilemma. You're the doormat.
You must think hard about what you would tell a real good friend if she were in this position.
Speaking of dogs…I saw a trainer on TV turn her back on her dog each time it started to bark. It might work with your dad. It might not work for all dogs.
You ought to look into getting your dad help rather than to help him. Get in touch with a care manager or a social worker.
If you can, move to New Zealand. :).
You're a participant not a slave.
You are too nice. I would give him notice that if he doesn’t change his attitude towards you, you are walking out of his life and he will never see you again. Also tell him hire help to take care of his house. You are not a servant.
You do not need to accept this abuse. If it continues, walk out.
Then he started talking suicide (obviously trying to get my attention) when I finally responded to that, I told him I was going to be taking some orientation for a potential job and would not be able to visit for two weeks.
I told him if he needed anything, he would have to ask my brother. He's mad at my dad too. But, I was doing everything. So, I figured the best thing to do for me is step back. Be unavailable, let him and my brother figure it out between themselves. Sorry its not the best advice, but I hope it helps to know you're not alone. And don't neglect yourself.
I hope you find a way to protect yourself from being abused. The abuser often gets more and more abusive the older they get.
Can I ask.. is Dad a bully?
Bullies respond to strength. Did your Mom stand up to him? What would Mom do?
His choices are to stay alone in his house, hire a caregiver to help or sell the house to pay for a live-in facility.
What will happen is, the sibling won't help. Since Dad doesn't have dementia, APS can't intervene or force anything. If OP leaves, then Dad is left alone in the house. And OP probably doesn't want him to be totally abandoned at home. And Dad refuses to pay for in-home care.
* Yes it is *
"My dad already refuses it.".
* OK, so? *
Here is my tough love advice:
Ask. Say. Do.
ASK Dad what help he needs.
SAY what his options are. Also say what you are & importantly ARE NOT willing to do.
DO what you said you will.
Eg Dad says there is too much lawn/snow/dog poop.
Ask what he wants to do about lawn/snow/dog poop.
Wants it gone, right?
HOW is HE going to make that happen? Do it himself?
(Leave thinking space)
"Here are some home help service companies you can call Dad. I can help you call".
(Leave thinking space)
He is able to ask you of course... & you are also able to refuse.
"No, I won't be doing that.
I AM NOT YOUR MAID".
If it doesn't get done - it doesn't get done.
Natural consequences happen:
Yard gets full of grass/snow/dog poop..
Until he gives in.
A present Dad may be under the false belief that what he WANTS you must DO. Some retraining is necessary.
It may be too late to train the dog, but you CAN train both Dad & yourself into new ways to think.
Thoughts??
PS Is Dad a grumpy old guy or a grumpy old guy with Dementia? That may change my reply somewhat.
I decided for me personally, I’m probably best off if I continue the care, within reason. A person I trust showed me how it was truly my choice, no one had a gun to my head. And how there are no other choices in my life that I allow to fill me with such anger and contempt. That advice has truly helped me.
I would also suggest you get your caregiving, with money, time, or emotional sacrifice, more in line with what you can live with. This person you care for has already given up on happiness, and you can’t change that. Just do your duty to the best of your reasonable ability, and let the guilt go.
People who never had a toxic parent will not understand this response, but I hope it helps you.
First of all, you must acknowledge that your Dad will not change his behavior toward you, From how you wrote it, it really sounds like you are trying to be a caring, let the past stay in the past, daughter, however, he cannot appreciate or even comprehend all what you are doing for him.
Second, as much as you love your Dad, you need to go to a therapist. You need to be prepared and supported for what will happen and could happen. Your therapist and you can come up with a plan for your withdrawal and help you accept the consequences of your decisions.
Then I would talk to your sister. Invite your brother also. Between all of you come up with a plan that removes you from direct contact with your Dad. Chances are that your Dad will not acknowledge his negative behavior and even if he did, he will give some darn excuse. Either way, you and your siblings, have to stay firm that you will no longer be around to be his punching bag.
I would talk to his doctor and tell the doctor that you can no longer care for your Dad. Tell him why and the entire back story. You can also tell him that it appears that your other siblings cannot accept the responsibility to keeping him in his home. I'm sure your story will not be unique.
Ask his doctor what are the options. I'm assuming you are not POA. Give the doctor the name and phone number of the person who is POA. Ask the doctor what are the steps so you can exit out of his life.
Once I got up the guts and told my Mother that she could take me out of her will, I began to live the life that I could control. Her retaliatory actions no longer stung as I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. Whenever she threatened, I reminded her that it was okay to cut me out of the will. Literally, I had freedom.
You have that power too. You have the power to take back your life, but only if you are willing to do what needs to be done, to take back your life. Like everything else, there are consequences, and a therapist can help you prepare for those consequences.
It isn't easy either way. However, a therapist can help you decide what to do and the inevitable consequences.
Best of luck to you. Its hard for you to leave the abuse, however it is also hard for you when the abuse happens. Break the cycle and learn to live a life that doesn't include abusive behavior.
"I can't possibly do that" and "I have plans that preclude me from doing what you ask" are two phrases I find useful in dealing with people who make demands upon my time.
I wish you all the best. You got this!!
-Heather
you have to remove yourself and give you space and try to laugh over the redicculas demands they make.Do not feel guilty about doing this, they made their
choice a longtime ago.You have a responsibility to you and your health.You are in
command of you, tough if they don't like it.You come first.Amen
Suggest you start looking for a new home far away and take the dog to the SPCA (at a no kill center) or put him/her in training so you can keep him/her.
Please schedule time at a wellness resort, just put this in your search engine, "wellness resorts." If you don't meditate, please seek out a class on Mindfulness Meditation (I learned at a hospital).
Good health starts with mental clarity and self awareness, start your new journey ASAP.
The only way out OP, is for someone else to be doing what you're doing. In other words, your Dad must be forced to spend money on caregivers (or "friends", people you pretend are your friends, if Dad doesn't like strangers).
"My dad already refuses it."
You refuse his refusal.
Tell your Dad: Ventingisback and you OP refuse his refusal, that's 2 against 1, he loses.
I traveled the same journey for a long while and found working with a talented therapist to be very helpful to unpack it all and to work through (still working through) the pain and emotional rollercoaster of dealing with an aging self-centered, potentially toxic parent high in narcissistic traits and w/dementia. My mom had all of the above along with clinical depression and a host of medical conditions that basically made her bed ridden. I tried for years to do all the care myself in my own home where she lived. I am only child, my dad passed away when I was a kid; no other living family to help other than one uncle but he is elderly too. I was able to get my then 83 YO mother into a great nursing home 2.5 years ago, following a 2-week hospital stay after a bad fall. But she fought it tooth and nail, and I just stood my ground.
Doing this type of 24/7 care solo (refusing any outside help) for years when they are difficult at best or toxic at worst AND when they cannot do much of anything for themselves is NOT sustainable. As you have come to express; it is impacting your health/mental health too. This is NOT weakness, NOT any failure, NOT something to feel guilty about. Expecting One person to do this solo for years is unreasonable. Bless the folks who do this for years and w/grace and NOT loose themselves. I am not one of those people, I reached a limit and things had to change for my health/mental health.
Finding ways to get other help, what ever that may be and what might work. It might work for him and you, it is imperative to make some caregiving changes. None of this is easy, nothing is a perfect solution; so find ways to set boundaries as best you can. If he refuses all options presented (he, his resources should pay, sell the house if necessary); then it is time to make some tough decisions about saying "NO." NO is a complete sentence and needs no explanation. You can say NO to doing everything just yourself. He has choices (get help, sell the house, go into a facility that can help him, etc.) and he NEEDS to make a choice. Let the consequences fall where they fall if he opts to choose YOU still as the ONLY caregiver irrespective of your needs, your health and your mental health. Be prepared to say NO and be prepared to walk away.
It is so sad to be in this situation but you have choices too. You can choose to set limits/boundaries and give him options that give you back your life. Or you can say NO and stop doing it all and walk away.
As others have said, adult children do NOT OWE their parents to do what ever they say OR demand. Being respectful of our parents does NOT mean they own us. Nor does it mean they are our boss or commanding officer. Nor does it mean that they get to guilt trip us into giving up ourselves and our needs just to do their bidding!
You might find some of these videos helpful, but again finding a talented therapist could be of great help.
Dr. Les Carter:
Toxic, Narcissistic Parents: Enough Already
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dd6RB61JgVU&t=27s
7 Signs of Narcissists Worsening as the Age
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8K8iyiN-HQ&t=1s
Dr. Ramani
Narcissistic Relationships and Dementia
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KJMzDBJssGA
Caregiving for a Narcissist
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YXCZ63l47zI&t=533s
Narcissistic Fathers
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0IubXfbCvY
Best wishes for getting help, setting boundaries and stepping forward towards some new ways of doing things that help you get your life back.
I also was kept afloat emotionally (and even managed to grow) by a wonderful therapist during my caregiving years with my mom.