Hi, I'm new to this forum. Here's the backstory: My dad and I have never gotten along. I am not sure if it's a subconscious thing on his end, but he's never really liked me. He has told me the most horrible things, things you'd never tell a daughter. He treats the other siblings just fine. I am the middle child out of three kids.
Really high level: My dad's health started taking a major turn for the worse in the last 10 years, more so the last 6 years. His heart is only functioning at 20% and he's half-blind. He let his house go and needs help with some labor throughout the house. I help out with 98% of it. I mow his lawn, shovel snow, clean up his dog poop in his house (never trained the dog properly), clean out the gutters of his roof, list goes on and on. My sister helps out when she's able to, but she lives out of state. My brother? Hasn't done much of anything to help. He has no desire or anticipatory nature to do anything.
I have taken the brunt of the responsibility and have become the lightning rod for his anger and resentment. He is also the most negative, difficult person I have ever met. This has been so toxic for me, as well as physically and emotionally draining. My health has fallen apart. I don't even PRODUCE cortisol anymore. I am a literal burnout. I struggle with so many emotions. I resent him, I wonder why me? Why am I the one picking up the chores? The ONE time my sister-in-law helped, he was able to clean the house and act like a perfect angel, so no one else sees that I am getting the brunt of his negativity..
I also try to see things from his angle. I see he is limited due to his upbringing. He's reverted back to a wounded child. He was abused as a child. But that still gives him no right to treat me so poorly for so long.
If my mom were still alive, this would NOT happen. She would not allow him to turn into a negative couch potato.
How do I manage going through this without shaving my head and driving into parked cars? (kidding). In all seriousness, I really feel alone. I don't know anyone else who is going through this, and it makes me resent everyone for not being able to relate to me, to not understand that this has taken a major toll. It's affecting my relationships. I absolutely hate it.
Asking for outside help is not an option. My dad already refuses it.
So, why are you choosing to do all these chores and services for a father who's mean, unappreciative and emotionally abusive to you for your entire lifetime? That's the $64,000 question to ask yourself, I think. Because your health is suffering as a result and that's a seriously high price to pay!
Being older with health issues and coming from a dysfunctional family background does not give dad license to mistreat you, or you an obligation to leave your blood on the floor out of a misguided sense of guilt. Dad can pay to have his gutters cleaned, housekeepers in, poop scooped, snow removed, etc. Or he can downsize to a senior apartment where services are included in his rent and you're no longer the free help who's also being abused. Make a decision today to stop being the answer to his problems, and regain your health before you lose it permanently, God forbid. We caregivers often become statistics ourselves by doing too much for loved ones who should be in managed care with Medicaid. Look into that option as well.
I wish you the best of luck with a difficult situation along with the ability to recognize the need for your own self care along the way.
I realized I could not change them but I could change how I dealt with them. I had to flip the relationship perimeters.
They weren't going to change from porcupines to pussycats and I needed to learn to be a parent to my parents.
I never lost it with them but I was firm in my expectations of not accepting crappy behavior. Once they realized everything in their lives was under control and they could relax some things turned around.
Their loss of control is often the real
issue that leads to poor behavior once they depend upon us for help. This seems to drive them to continue to be abusive.
For me I had to gently lead them to the place of realizing they could let go of their controlling behavior
You set the boundaries. You’re not a slave. And if you quit mowing his grass, what would happen? He’d either get someone else or the neighbors would call code enforcement and he’d be fined for rats breeding on the lot and overrunning neighbors’ property (happened to someone I knew).
He doesn’t want help from anyone but you, and you’re suffering because of that. You need to stand up to this tyrant and tell him what you will do and what you won’t. Then he can sort out the rest.
He should be in assisted living. How can you help him make that decision?
By refusing to enable his scheme to ruin your life.
My husbands father is a child abuser. I dont say was because that implies he made a conscious choice to change. The only reason he doesnt abuse children anymore is because his children are grown up.
You need to cut off all contact with your father. It doesn't matter if he was abused as a child, if he has no one or needs help. You are still being abused. But you don't have to take it anymore because you are an adult.
Look after yourself, not your father. Golden brother and lucky SIL can pick it up, if they want to. Stay away from D, and from them if they complain. If you are 40 years old, D is probably around 70. In spite of vision problems and a dicky heart, if his brain is working well enough to put on a ‘show’ for SIL, then it is working well enough for him to research HIS options and plan HIS own future.
You don’t need to waste another 20 years of your life on this. Quit. What happens, happens.
I’m sorry for the loss of your mom. I’m sorry that your brother doesn’t help you with anything. It is nice of your sister in law to pitch in.
Your father isn’t going to change his ways. You are a very kind person to help him. It’s time to be kind to yourself.
Focus your energy on an exit plan.
Wishing you all the best.
Do you know why you let yourself be abused this way? Do you realize that you do not have to have contact with your father, and that you shouldn't have contact with your him?
If he is deemed mentally competent (I assume he is), then you can't really make him do anything. Do you want to keep this up for years, hoping you can convince him to hire help or go into a facility? Because you won't be able to convince him.
You CAN change yourself, though. STOP jeopardizing your own health. Look at what the stress has already done to your health.
Walk away. If he's that desperate for help, he'll call your brother.
Swooping in and playing the role of Florence Nightingale will lead to nothing but burnout and disappointment.
They will just continue to abuse their child and the child will keep wasting their life until they wake up and say "No More, I am done"!
I would walk away, let him figure it out, you owe him nothing.
I come from a home of an alcoholic, my mother, I was her scapegoat, my brother the golden child. I finally had enough and have not spoken to her in 12 years!
Lots more to my story but that is the bottom line. Back away, get your life back, you will never change his feelings about you. Good Luck!
At times you may really need to try and talk to the rest of your family and tell them you may be the one that they meet to the care of. Nit sure of your age, but you need to take care if yourself also.
What makes you think that your father is allowed/entitled to refuse anything? A sick person may refuse help BUT CANNOT make his child an unpaid servant in refusing.
You weren’t born to be the King’s caregiver.
This is NOT balance. It’s time for you to decide what you CAN do, what you WILL do, and what you WON’T do.
Convene or zoom your siblings, tell them you will not be doing this any more, and tell them a date when you will be stopping.
DO THIS. You need to be in charge of YOUR welfare. YOU MATTER.
dad has passed Mom is still here. I do have to spend a good amount of time with her but I can come home to my house and sleep.
when Dad was here I did suffer physically. Mom was on Hospice so their facility allowed me to come in and it was legit a full time job. They were very needy both physically and they were emotionally needy. I was on my own during that time, I now have an older sister that will show up and one who chooses not to. She is a drama queen anyway and I have enough drama.
If Dad can afford a part time caretaker do that. Do anything that minimizes the time you spend with him. I repaired my relationship with my Dad. He always appreciated what I did for them. Mom is harder but that may not be an option for you.
you don't owe him anything. If you choose to stay you really need to think about whether your health is worth giving up for someone who is so selfish.
Disengage.
Stop doing what you are doing.
Inform the siblings that you can no longer mentally and emotionally manage to care for your father.
They then have options.
Place him in Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing if that is the level of care that he needs.
In your profile you mention your dad is 40. That is pretty young if it is accurate. and if accurate you could be "caregiving" for the next 40 years.
For your own mental health you need to step back. A person that has been abused should not have to care for their abuser.
You also say that your dad will not accept outside help.
What happens if no one helps? Would he then finally accept outside help? Maybe that is what needs to happen for him to get a "wake up call" that he needs to allow outside help.
It sounds as though Dad owns his house. Stop going there. Stop responding to requests or demands. Tell your happy siblings that you are seriously ill (which sounds as though it is true) and simply can't help him anymore. No need to get into abuse issues with them OR him -- just say that you are seriously ill. Tell them YOU need care. Change phone number if necessary. If his house goes to pieces the neighbors will notice and the answer to any official who inspects is "I'm seriously ill, did it for years but can't anymore, but I have siblings whose names and phone numbers are..." If they are not interested enough to take over care, they can take over the planning to get him in a home of some sort. His obstreperous behavior could be enough to get the state involved, perhaps. Otherwise he can stay in house and lead life his own way, which sounds as though that is what he wants. If you tell him you are seriously ill and need care yourself and can't leave home...he should care. If he doesn't...well, that's a good indication of what kind of parent you are dealing with.
Dad, I have worn myself out and you are nasty and unappreciative. I am no longer interested in taking care of you. Best of luck, your middle child.
Take a long, hot bath, have a nice dinner, and get a good nights sleep. Get up in the morning and do what YOU want and need to do for your yourself. Repeat.
If sibs call you to complain, calmly say that you are not responsible for Dad and prefer to stay out of that mess. I suggest taking a long break from anything to do with Dad.
Has Dad given anyone DPOA? If so, that person gets to deal with Dad. If not, he takes care of himself. Or not. Consequences be damned.
Although you might feel worried about leaving your Dad for a while, for your own health it sounds like you really need a break. If something isn't working, it's time to try something new. It would be great if you could have a break while also having peace of mind knowing someone else is checking up on him? Is there an organisation near you that you can contact for some help while you have a rest?
Taking a break for a little while and giving him a 'forced option' to have some help from someone else might help. Sometimes people, particularly older people, don't like change, but once it is introduced they accept it. I'm not sure of his financial situation, but could you maybe try to arrange for an agency/person to visit him every few days and help clean or do jobs. "hi Dad, I'm going to be away for a few days (or weeks depending on your circumstances) and I've arranged for (other helper/agency/someone else) to visit you"
Even if you don't actually go away anywhere - pretend you are!
If you can find a person to help him out, and your Dad sees it is going okay, he might (grudgingly) accept it. Worth a try?! Hope you feel better soon.
You need to take care of yourself. They raised us but it doesn't give them the right to knock us down and he is doing that to you.
If he is living in mess do a welfare check on him then it will get him where he needs to be without you destroying your life.
Prayers you take care of yourself.
CHILDREN DON'T OWE THEIR PARENTS ANYTHING!!! Even if he was the best Dad in the world, and was always there for you and helped you through college and supported you in your first job and doted on your family, you still wouldn't owe him anything. But especially in a situation like this when he is obviously manipulating you, CHILDREN DON'T OWE THEIR PARENTS ANYTHING! When he dies, what will you have left? Bitter memories and poor health?
Find a counselor, cut the strings and find out who you are. You are obviously a very self-less, kind and compassionate person. Put that toward volunteering somewhere. Go help the local food bank, or Habitat housing. I know this is all easier said than done, but I guarantee those people will appreciate your time and efforts.
You are worthy of love and appreciation, and you are meant to have a life of your own choosing.
now I’m getting “ I’ll be dead soon and you’ll be happy, you’ll have peace.” The self pity and passive aggression and trying to make me feel bad, when all I can feel is rage and hate towards my siblings who couldn’t care less if I dropped dead. I bend over backwards trying to make him feel safe and happy. take him to dr appointments, arrange to get his cataract removed, new glasses. healthy food, and he’s grateful. But like you, I had endure emotional and physical abuse from him in my life, so why do we put our sanity on the line? Are we martyrs? masochists? Is it an eternal love / hate guilt relationship with our parents that we sacrifice our right to our own life to take care of people who really don’t deserve it? I think that’s my reason
I do what I can to help him and try not to think of the past. Currently he is pretty docile and doesn't abuse me anymore but I think he realizes that I alone is his advocate and he needs my help.
Im sorry for what you are going through. But if it helps, you are not alone. Your heart is in the right place and although it may not be the right thing, you will not have guilt for leaving him with no assistance. Guilt is a horrible emotion to deal with.
Neither of you had anything to feel guilty about. You are the injured party. There is no reason to feel guilty just because someone makes you feel like you are inadequate. That is abuse. Don't enable abuse. Walk away. Or run.
Before my mom's illness, I started to forgive my dad for all that he did to us, just seeing him as a guy who has mental issues. It was easy to do when I lived away from him and didn't see him often. But now? I see him every week and have to deal with his bullsh*t day in and day out. His stomach either hurts so bad he has to sleep and scream-vomit (leaving me alone with my mom) or he eats so little he goes into diabetic low sugar shock (leaving me alone with my mom). I look at him and see myself in the future stuck in his miserable little world taking care of him and I really just want to die instead.
My brother is on the same side as me. He and my dad get along even LESS. We've decided as a pair that after my mom dies, we set him up with a new apartment (my parents do not own their house), get his medications figured out and shipped to him, see him every once in a while, set him up for success but don't go out running after him every time something goes wrong. If we dote on him as much as he wants us to, we would never have lives of our own--and neither of us are even 30 years old yet!
Personally for me, I've decided to get past the guilt of doing the "right" thing and doing the right thing for me instead, even if that means my dad dies in the house alone or goes to a Medicaid-funded nursing home. I will not let him take any more of my time and energy than he's already taken from me. The thing about abusive parents is that they did this to themselves. They chose to have kids (who never asked to be here) and kept making choices that drove those kids away. Blood means nothing at this point. If you feel like you need to take care of him the way that you have, more power to you. But also know that there's nothing wrong with letting someone like that sit in the sh*t pile that they created for themselves and moving on.
With The help of caregivers it will help out a lot. Also look for a middle or high school student to cut grass and shovel show.
This will help maintain a some what healthy relationship with your father and maintain your health.
I hope this help.
I traveled the same journey for a long while and found working with a talented therapist to be very helpful to unpack it all and to work through (still working through) the pain and emotional rollercoaster of dealing with an aging self-centered, potentially toxic parent high in narcissistic traits and w/dementia. My mom had all of the above along with clinical depression and a host of medical conditions that basically made her bed ridden. I tried for years to do all the care myself in my own home where she lived. I am only child, my dad passed away when I was a kid; no other living family to help other than one uncle but he is elderly too. I was able to get my then 83 YO mother into a great nursing home 2.5 years ago, following a 2-week hospital stay after a bad fall. But she fought it tooth and nail, and I just stood my ground.
Doing this type of 24/7 care solo (refusing any outside help) for years when they are difficult at best or toxic at worst AND when they cannot do much of anything for themselves is NOT sustainable. As you have come to express; it is impacting your health/mental health too. This is NOT weakness, NOT any failure, NOT something to feel guilty about. Expecting One person to do this solo for years is unreasonable. Bless the folks who do this for years and w/grace and NOT loose themselves. I am not one of those people, I reached a limit and things had to change for my health/mental health.
Finding ways to get other help, what ever that may be and what might work. It might work for him and you, it is imperative to make some caregiving changes. None of this is easy, nothing is a perfect solution; so find ways to set boundaries as best you can. If he refuses all options presented (he, his resources should pay, sell the house if necessary); then it is time to make some tough decisions about saying "NO." NO is a complete sentence and needs no explanation. You can say NO to doing everything just yourself. He has choices (get help, sell the house, go into a facility that can help him, etc.) and he NEEDS to make a choice. Let the consequences fall where they fall if he opts to choose YOU still as the ONLY caregiver irrespective of your needs, your health and your mental health. Be prepared to say NO and be prepared to walk away.
It is so sad to be in this situation but you have choices too. You can choose to set limits/boundaries and give him options that give you back your life. Or you can say NO and stop doing it all and walk away.
As others have said, adult children do NOT OWE their parents to do what ever they say OR demand. Being respectful of our parents does NOT mean they own us. Nor does it mean they are our boss or commanding officer. Nor does it mean that they get to guilt trip us into giving up ourselves and our needs just to do their bidding!
You might find some of these videos helpful, but again finding a talented therapist could be of great help.
Dr. Les Carter:
Toxic, Narcissistic Parents: Enough Already
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dd6RB61JgVU&t=27s
7 Signs of Narcissists Worsening as the Age
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8K8iyiN-HQ&t=1s
Dr. Ramani
Narcissistic Relationships and Dementia
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KJMzDBJssGA
Caregiving for a Narcissist
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YXCZ63l47zI&t=533s
Narcissistic Fathers
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0IubXfbCvY
Best wishes for getting help, setting boundaries and stepping forward towards some new ways of doing things that help you get your life back.
I also was kept afloat emotionally (and even managed to grow) by a wonderful therapist during my caregiving years with my mom.