I'm 9 months pregnant and my husband wants us to move in with/care for his grandmother with dementia. Any advice?

I was thinking this morning about this situation... Not only is it unfair for you, but it is also unfair for the grandmother to be in this in kind of environment. Would the grandmother like to hear the baby cry and all the things associated with bringing up a family?... It's stressful enough on a new family, let alone having an elderly living there... The grandmother should be in a place to herself (with people closer to her age) where she can participate in activities. Also, keep in mind that each year that passes brings more challenges, difficult situations and decisions. All good intentions, but these comments here on this thread come from people with years/decades of experience. Let us know how it's going... And, congratulations on the new little one!... (This is your time as a young family to cherish).

Put your foot down about two things. First, you are definitely not moving yourself and your baby in with his demented grandmother. Second, his demented grandmother is definitely not moving in with you and your baby.

I agree with everything everyone else has written. Make your husband watch every single Teepa Snow video you can find on YouTube because he's an expectant father who must wise up and do it quickly. Baby is coming!

Aaiden - you need to copy and post what you wrote into a new question of your own. Just find the question page in this forum and click on "ask a question". This is a thread that's already been started and those who already posted in here will most likely not see your question. You'll get a lot more help from your own post and it looks like you can use all the help you can get! Hope you read this!

How did this arrangement come to be? Did you discuss it before you moved? Did it seem like a good idea?

Is either you or your husband employed? If not, why not? Does your husband believe that he is going to gain something financial from this arrangement?

My husband ,my 10 month old and I jst moved in to his grandmother house who has alzhemmers, He be taking care of her,cooking and doing all for her there also live his 3 cousins 14, 17, 18 yr old boys their also under my husband care, I see him under alot stress and its affecting our marriage we talk about it but he wants me to have patience, I had enough i want to go back home I tried going back but he got real mad at me, now I hate living here, I dont know what to do I need advice

I hope someone reads this if not Jill and takes our advice!

I personally question your husband's willingness to do this in the first place. This woman could live for MANY more years in her condition and it won't get any better, sister! This has the potential to wreck your marriage and bust up your family. I am sure your husband has had many wonderful moments with grandma and feels a huge sense of responsibility towards her but HIS family comes first. JUST SAY NO! And sit him down at the computer and let him peruse this site for awhile. He will quickly see what a disaster-in-the-making this could be. Good Luck!

I just read through every single post. Every line, every sentence, to see if one person supported this. Not one person did. I'm not surprised. There's nothing left to say, it's all been said. But I do have one question:

What is your husband thinking??

If she was 9 months pregnant....Jill09 could be busy with that new baby by now!

Don't go. First baby? Concentrate of baby....Baby first.....

Sorry , circle of life. Baby needs you, and you need to rest when baby does. Honestly.

oh honey... please don't. it'll be like having twins, one adult size and one who really needs you. Both pooing and eating and needing at the same time. Please, give your baby the attention he/she will NEED. It will save your relationship with your husband and your in law.

Mmmm, she's never posted back that I saw... I wonder if she's been back to read all this. I sure hope so, bless her heart. If you're reading this thread Jill09, let us know how things are going.

I agree with everyone else. Don't do it! Once you take on the role of caregiver for Grandma you will no longer enjoy the relationship you have as grandson. Additionally, you will be responsible not only for your immediate family, grandma but also your home and hers. Can you maintain two homes? As her dementia gets worse she will get more demanding, particularly if that is her go to personality style now. You don't mention Grandma's children. They have the immediate responsibility for helping Grandma if they are able.
I am concerned that the husband is making a decision based on Grandma rather than on his wife & child. If the decision is a good one it will be made mutually with both husband and wife agreeing on the choice.

Please don't do this to yourselves, especially with a baby on the way. I am 32 years old, and my grandmother with dementia moved in with me and my husband 5 months ago. Taking care of her is a job in itself, and you both certainly don't need this kind of responsibility when you're trying to adjust to parenthood and enjoy your new baby and home. My grandmother has been on a wait list since February for a nursing home, and I can't wait for her to be accepted so I can back on track with my life. (I am no longer able to work to take care of her, and our family plans are on hold because of this...I feel that I am too young to make this sacrifice, but there is literally no other option in our crazy family). Enjoy your new baby, but show that you care by being supportive to your husband's grandmother whenever possible by helping out, running errands, visiting with her, but don't commit yourselves to full-time caregiving right now.

If you are lucky enough to have someone who can stay with her, then let her stay there and DO NOT move in with her. My aunt ended up having to go to assisted living because she started having trouble finding people to stay at night, so be aware that this could happen also. I could have never been a caregiver if I had a baby or young child to look after. It will wear you out. If your husband is willing to check on her at night, make sure he doesn't renege on the deal. You deserve to live your own home, regardless.

It is dangerous for the baby and u GM needs specialized help dont do it

Oh and, what else to do instead of move in and care for grandma?

Grandma needs to be in a facility prepared and purposed for dementia patients. Aging in place at home is a nice idea for mostly TV families. There are exceptions out there, but for our situation with my mom, that whole concept would have been a nightmare.

I am 43 and have two teenagers and one dementia/Alzheimers 77 year old is too much for our house. Saying they get demanding is an understatement. Saying they are a danger to themselves and others is an understatement.

This is not TV. We are not the Waltons where Mother, Granny, and the kids are sitting around the big farm table peeling potatoes until JohnBoy gets home. The Waltons never covered what to do when Granny pees all over the floor, won't bathe for weeks on end, and refuses to let anybody change her pooped on sheets. Or what to do when she bites, hits, and kicks. Or what to do when she needs almost 3 hours to eat a meal.

Instead, your darling husband needs to get a social worker involved who can do an assessment. Get granny to the neurologist and get her into a place where they can handle anything she will dish out. With progressive brain disease, it only declines and becomes worse and worse. And this decline can take 8-15 years. Nobody can predict how long it will take.

He can meet his current family needs (you, baby, house) AND satisfy his need to rescue Granny, but he has to be a lot more realistic to understand that a dementia patient has a lot more intense and demanding needs than a newborn, and you can't serve both.

You also don't want to put you or husband in the position of being potentially negligent with Granny by not being able to meet her needs. You do NOT want to go there with Adult Protection.

What about "Granny won't let...." Tough. Granny is no longer in a position to call the shots and define how things will happen in her life. That time is over. Somebody without dementia needs to call the shots and do what is safe for her, even if she hollers & kicks the entire way. Just expect it. Keeping an elder safe is sometimes not possible at the same time as happy. Take it from me, I know. If I put my mom where she'd be happy, she'd be dead pretty fast from not taking her meds, falling and injuring herself, starvation because she can't prep food, dehydration because she won't drink liquids/doesn't feel thirsty, and she'd be filthy nasty until the day she did drop.

I hope we've shed some light on this for you and send in your husband directly if he won't listen to you. We'll help him understand. :-D

My advice is simply this: RUUUUUNNNNNN as fast away as you can. FLEEE! Save yourself and your baby!

New dads are totally clueless on what it means to have a baby in the house. If your husband is like mine, he probably expects it to be like having a puppy and it is NOT!!!!! You are going to need care post-birth, so who is going to do that? YOU have needs you need to stand up and advocate for.

If darling husband needs a dose of reality, then let HIM move in with Grandma for a week and see for himself how much work and stress it really is. I don't mean to be offensive or rude, but his idea is just jackassery on wheels.

If you are a person of faith, I would tell you to pray and seek the wisdom of GOD. If you are a non-believer I would tell you to discuss all your options and then ask yourself one question. Is this the right thing to do for all concerned. Love is a powerful motivator and if we do what is right in His eyes then at the end of the day we can live with our spouse in both the good and bad times.

Don't do it! Stay in your own house with your baby and let hubby move in with grandma for a while. Unless he's really into shopping, cooking, cleaning, being controlled and manipulated, along with clearing up horrible messes after a day's work, he'll soon run back home screaming.

Absolutely not. You deserve to enjoy the pleasure of motherhood without the distraction of taking care of a patient with progressing dementia, especially with your first newborn. I agree with the others here. Let your husband read the posts about how difficult it is to take care of such patients, especially in the final stage, when the care becomes more labor intensive. I also recommend that you find an Assisted Living Facility for her to move to, one that has a nursing home she can be transferred to when needed. Do not let her care become a wedge between you and your husband, especially not when you both are so close to welcoming a precious new member to your family, one who will need to bond with you far more than your husband's grandmother.

Great advice from everyone. I hope you found all the words you need when saying NO. Good luck. Sorry you have this added stress so far along in your pregnancy. I wish you an easy delivery. Let us know whether it's a boy or girl.

Don't do it, and with a new baby ? it will be a disaster know one knows what the future holds but in this situation you already have a feeling it's not going to turn out good.

Wow, toYoungFOrThis! You said a mouthful.

The big question I have is where her own children are, or if there are any other grandchildren to help. Why does your husband feel it is necessary to move in with her & take 100% of the responsibility of caring for her? If she refuses to go to a nursing home & would only allow you to move in with her, then that's her problem. She is going to have to give up some of the control issues she has---if she is placing those conditions now, imagine what conditions she'd impose if you moved in with her!!

Your husband has to grow a set of ba*** and tell her that you will not move in with her, and she has the following options: long term care facility, assisted living, or people to come in to help her out, & let her choose.

If your husband works full time & you will be on maternity leave for 3 months with a newborn, his grandmother will drive you crazy. Depending on how demanding she is, she could actually be jealous of the baby & cause you great distress by wanting her care to be the priority over your newborn's care.

On the other hand, if your husband is dead-set on moving in with her, you could tell him that he can move in with her & you are going to stay in your house with the baby, because even though he sees caring for his grandmother as the priority, in a few weeks the priority is going to be taking care of your newborn & nothing can come in the way of that. So, if he wants to participate in the care of his newborn baby, he's going to have to go back & forth from his grandmother's house to your house & live a "double life", so to speak. See how he deals with that after a couple of weeks, in addition to working a full time job. You'll find out very quickly what his priorities are.

How many ways can I say "No"? How are you to recover from having a baby when Grandma wants something? This might be a great idea to your husband, but who will be the primary caregiver? He will be at work all day and you will be with Grandma. STAND YOUR GROUND, sister. Your sanity, life, marriage, freedom and independence depend on it. You can do this.

last resort gives excellent perspective.

I think you know that the answer is NO. Being newly married is stressful, renovating a house is stressful, having your first baby is stressful (all of those events are also delightful). Taking care of your husband's demented grandmother could be the straw that could break your marriage's back (or yours).

When someone has dementia, they often become so self-focused that they can't take into account the toll that their needs and demands take on others. It's hard to understand that grandmom is no longer taking into account your feelings or wellbeing.

Bottom line is that his grandmother is asking for help. She doesn't get to dictate how it is given. Personally, I'd be visiting AL communities with dementia units. It's a progressive condition, things will only get worse. And, if this is your first child, you have yet to realize how much you'll need your husband at the end of a work day. You won't be very understanding of his going off to 'check on' grandma (a process that could easily turn into a lengthy visit).

Priority check ... 1 - Baby, 2 - Marriage, 3 - your own wellbeing, 4 - grandma.

Agree! Don't do it... It's 'accumulative' stress and it could be devastating to all involved.

Oops, I meant NOT THE "HALLMARK MOMENT"!!!

Such good advice! Just one more thing, Dementia is generally a "Hallmark Moment" where the sweet little old lady rescues the beautiful baby from the burning house and then decides that it would be better to move to assisted living because it would be safer for the family and better for her. Get Grandma into assisted living while she can still has the faculties to acclimate and enjoy the friends she will make.