My husbands grandfather just passed away,and his grandmother has progressive dementia. She refuses to go to a nursing home,and has stated that we are the only people she would allow to stay with her. We just bought our first house,and are currently renovating it. I am also 9 months pregnant with our first child. I am very upset,but my husband doesn't understand why this living arrangement would be hard with a newborn baby. We have the resources to bring someone in to stay wit her during the day,and we can check on her at night(we live less than a mile away). I really don't feel like I'm being selfish, wanting to move into our new house with our new baby. How do I convince my husband,as well as his grandmother,that although we are more than willing to help her as much as we can,it would be a bad idea moving in to her house? Additionally,she refuses to move out if her house,even to ours.
You don't have to "convince" anyone. You don't have to do it. And you shouldn't. I think it's peculiar that your husband wants to do this in the first place, frankly.
Read the ones where the young wife is working 24/7 to take care of the elderly in-law and the other relatives expect her to pay rent, for living there.
Read the ones where multiple locks have to be put on the exterior doors, because grandma likes to walk away, at night.
Read about changing grandma's Depends and trying to make her take a bath.
I am 60. My mother is 95 and is very healthy at NH. She just about wasted away at home, but now, she is healthy. You would not be doing the grandma any favors by trying to take care of her. Are either one of you CNAs, LPNs, or RNs?
No way would I take a new born, there. Grandma could burn the house down.
Tell your husband to read through this site.. You need to take care of yourself and your child...
Grandma has to realize that everyone ages and help is available, but not you!!!!
Please don't become me!!!
Doesn't Grandma have any children? What about your husbands Mom or Dad?
On the positive side, it sounds like hubby is a generous and compassionate guy. He just needs to adjust his priorities.
Grandma has dementia. If she said she wants to spend the rest of her life on a cruise ship, would he be racing around trying to make that happen? What someone wants, what is best for them, and what is practical to provide may be three entirely different things. This is a truth he will be faced with as a father. Best he start learning that right now.
No. Just no.
It seems as though he doesn't have any idea how much attention a newborn will require.
(Sigh...if only men could have the babies, perhaps they'd understand)
He should also be helping you FIRST care for the child you will have, not his GM, especially given her demonstrated obstinacy.
This woman sounds like she's used to calling the shots, being demanding, and getting what she wants. Best to nip this in the bud, stand your ground, and definitely don't move into her home. You'll end up like Cinderella, if you last that long. Caring for a newborn is more than a fulltime job.
As for your newborn, trust me on this, the baby's cries Will Grate on her nerves...just as it did to my dad's (when my nieces would visit with their newborns). And as grandmother's disease progresses, she will NOT understand why you and hubby want some family time (you, hubby and baby) in Her house or going out (babysitter for grandmother at home). She most likely will refuse having someone come to her home so that you, hubby and baby can go out (July 4th parade, special events at the Mall, etc...) She will NOT understand that your first priority is to your infant - to toddler - to young child to elementary child, etc... In other words, it doesn't matter, as your child grows up and the years go by, that your child comes first. Nope.
When my dad got his stroke (which accelerated his senility), he understood that his bedridden wife came first - in feeding and changing pampers. But a year later, he was beginning to get irritated that I was doing mom first. We have gotten into an argument because I refused to do him first. He wanted to be first. It was getting so bad, that I was actually soooo relieved when mom passed away within that year he became self-centered. Because I didn't like where it was going. And I was already past the caregiver burnout, and was beginning to black-out, severe dizziness, etc... I was very close to killing myself from exhaustion (full time job, come home and take over the shift, changing their pampers all by my self, etc...or hospitalized (per therapist) ....or heart attack (per my physician.)
Your grandmother will not understand this - only about her wants, her needs, in her home. There Are Other Ways of helping grandmother. Moving in is not the only option.
You don't want to put your child into that situation for any reason.
Grandma will need increasing skilled care and time. She will not get better. It's magnanimous that he wants to help grandma but hope is is not expecting anything in return.
What if you move in and then grandma gets hurt or more ill and has to go into nursing care? Where will you go when the house has to be sold to finance her care?
What happens when you want to take a vacation? Who will care for grandma? How do other aunts uncles grandchildren feel about this? What are there estate expectations when grandma dies? Kick you out to sell the house and split the proceeds? Don't assume it will never happen in your family....there are many here that have lived thru that heartache and trauma.
What happens to grandma if you change your mind and decide this isn't working out or hubby or you have a job transfer?
Not trying to be a downer, but please think long and hard and do all your research. The grandma you visit today is not the same one who you will know day in and day out after 24hrs care under the same roof.
Maybe husband should move in with her for 2 was full time and see how it works out first without you.
At the very least, tell him you will not agree unless grandma transfer deed and title to you before you move in and secondly, that he/she has to agree to housekeeper each week and in home care for grandma at least a few hours a week and/or she attends senior center daily in her locale. Then at least you will have time with the baby and friends, mom activities etc which you can't watch both.
You and this precious new life should be his first and only priority. Be sure to take him to your next doctor's visit and ask the doctor about this crazy idea.
Your hubby has to realize that some day his Grandmother may start behaving aggressively, either physically or verbally because of her dementia. She might become jealous of the baby as this progresses. So living together isn't the answer.
You mentioned you have the resources to pay for someone to come in to care for your Grandmother during the day. You shouldn't have to be paying for the care of your Grandmother .... that money should be going for the care of the new baby and his/her future education.
As others have mentioned, show your hubby this website, go to "Forum Topics" and have him read about Caregiver burn out, etc.
Also, have you started interviewing pediatricians yet? I'm going to give you some unsolicited advice and tell you that lining up a doctor for your baby, preferably one who is affiliated with the hospital in which you will give birth, is a really good idea. It's much harder to get a sense of who a doctor is, and how they treat you (not condescendingly is key) BEFORE they are holding your actual newborn. Having a previously established relationship, person to person, engenders trust and respect on both sides. And then, when you and your husband have agreed on a pediatrician, talk to HER/HIM about this idea of your husband's, that you two and the baby should move in with grandma.
An additional thought. Having a baby around grandma is not going to be good for grandma's health. Little children pick up germs and generally blow them away like feathers. Grandma's, not so much. My own grandma died of pneumonia which was the result of a cold that my much younger brother brought home from school. Also, please watch out for grandma's hygiene. My mother has completely foresworn handwashing after toileting since her cognition started to decline. Getting her to wash her hands or use hand sanitizer before she held her newborn great-grandson was a major hassle.
You are about to give birth for the first time.
Do you want your new baby to be an only child?
Can you imagine being pregnant again and trying to change grandma's Depends lifting and turning her while she is being disagreeable and generally unco-operative.
Before that your baby will be crying for food or screaming with colic while grandma needs help to the bathroom and "can't" wait. She will be very jealous of the baby.
Will you want to entertain your own friends (in grandma's house)
How about personal time in bed? How relaxed will you feel if grandma can hear everything or you need to keep one ear open for her in case she calls.
What about grandma disaproving the way you do everything.
Can you cook to grandma's satisfaction?
Are you prepared to iron grandma's clothes?
Do you have a job you wish to return to after maternity care?
How about grandma hearing the baby crying perhaps while you are taking a shower and she picks him/her up to soothe and somehow drops the baby.
There are so many negatives to this. just because grandma will only agree to you and hubby taking care of her should be a very big warning sign.
So I add my own DON'T DO IT. DON'T EVEN DO IT FOR A TRIAL PERIOD.
It could also be that this Grandma was a very important part of his life and he loves her very much and cares what happens to her. I was never that close to my Grandmothers, but I can tell you right now that my granddaughter is going to be in for some sad times as I get older, as she adores me (and I her). If your grandmother was that close to your husband, he's having a very hard time seeing her in such distress.
Or it could be a combination of the two, or something else, like maybe just the sense of obligation since he's the only one she'll consider in the family to care for her.
Problem is, whatever the reason, what he's not seeing is that, by doing this, he's asking for a world of hurt! Moving in with her could very well turn his life upside down and could tear his little family apart. Because he has blinders on right now, you need to be the level headed one here.
First off, you need to do your best to be empathetic toward his plight. If you start out by being adversarial, it could simple make him stop listening to you, or make him think you just don't care about Grandma and are being selfish, which of course isn't the case. You're wisely watching out for your mental well being since you are going to soon be fully in charge and responsible for the life of another. Right now, yourself, your child and your husband need to be where your focus is and will need to be for a quite a long time to come.
You need to be proactive in this decision, but not fight with him. I'd say your first move should be to get him talking, try to figure out why he's wanting to do this so badly and then talk about those issues. If it's money issues, try to assure him that you'll do what you can to help ease those issues now (cutting back on household costs when you can, consider going back to work when the baby is 6 weeks old...whatever works for your family to help take some of the financial burden off of him. If it's his love of Grandma, assuring that you guys can still help without moving in, that you're not asking him to abandon her but that you simply do not have the energy to look after yourself, him and the baby and grandma. Let him know that, under no circumstances, will you move in with Grandma. It's not because you don't care, that you do understand where he's coming from, but because your responsibility is the same as his...to your immediate family and, with a new life to be responsible for, you won't have the time, nor the energy to deal with living with grandma.
Then stick to your decision...you owe it to yourself and your child (and it's the best thing for your husband too...he just won't see that now).
As a total last resort to save your family, if he tries to force the issue, then tell him your sorry, but you're not going. He'll just have to move in with Grandma himself, and that you, and the baby will be there at the new house if he should come to his senses. Tell him that you'll also have to hire someone to help out around the house since he won't be there to help.
Good Luck and God Bless!
Been caring for my demented parents since July 2012. ( Both dementia)
Plus every other physical problem you can think of. Wish I knew about this web-site before I started my journey. Knowing what I know now I say not to do it. Will not only ruin your marriage but the relationship your husband has with his grandmother will also be ruined. Trust us all on this. I learned by the school of hard knocks. Don't want you or anyone else learn that way. No Fun at all!!