My husband is in a rest home now but they're not cleaning him good and often enough. What do I do?

Discuss your concerns with the Director of Nursing.

And be willing to understand that he can never be cared for the way you did at home with one one one care. ((hugs))

Will the facility allow you to go by daily to change his clothing and give him a dry bath? The caregiver who comes to our home during the week to care for my mother in law also works at a facility on the weekends. She tell me that the problem with getting all the residents cleaned each and everyday is a matter of time! The residents resist the cleaning procedure when they are scheduled and so the facility worker can't force the resident to bathe. They have to just move on to the next resident and try to get that one to bathe. There is rarely time to go back in and try again to have the patient co-operate. You may want to try a cream on the patient's bottom that contains lanolin but no fragrances. The alcohol in fragrances can sting and burn when the tissue has a diaper rash. This stuff is good for the bath.

Am I the only one who finds the answers to Fayedum's question disturbing? We worked hard for a living, paving the way for this generation to have all the luxuries we never had, and we are supposed to be content to live our final years with so little, if any, respect! Does no one realize that every one of us is just one breath away from potentially being infirm ourselves. I find it appaling that so few rally care. Fayedum37, I say speak to the director of nursing and if things do not change immediately, keep bugging her and report the home to the state department of health. When they ignore you, try to get the media involved. Imagine the uproar if any other segment of society was similarly neglected! This is barbaric!

It's important to understand what the issue is before getting upset and claiming neglect. Many eldercare residents refuse showers and even assistance with daily hygiene (common issue in care homes). Staff must try to find the best way to assist residents with daily hygiene, and sometimes family involvement is key. And despite the family expectations (reasonable or not), all residents have the right to refuse at the end of the day, refer to heavily regulated Resident Rights. If the facility is communicating and working with the family about the issue then proper steps are being taken to provide the best care.

but what if they end up with sores from not being clean?

is your husband bedridden? can these sores be from laying on one side to long?

My Mom (97 and with dementia) fights taking a shower even when it's my sister and I and in our home. And they exhaust her. She loved baths, but can no longer get in and out of a bathtub, even with our help. Our tub would require installation of a ceiling-mount lift in our master bedroom. And her doctor has told her (years ago) not to do baths due to increased likelihood of UTI's. I tell you this just to confirm that the whole bathing thing is a common struggle and sometimes we or other caregivers have to decide which battles are worth fighting. (Toothbrushing the same--I declare victory if she brushes once a day--it's amazing she even still has her own strong teeth!) That said, you will want to keep an eye on the skin when you visit and immediately treat rashes -- which is often not a welcome intervention either. Mom used to be fastidious and well-groomed. That is no longer important to her, so I treat it like an option I'm offering, not a demand I'm imposing. And, as has been mentioned, we are probably about to go to dry bathing. I don't think heaven will turn her away because she has bad breath or body odor. So it's often really more a matter of my own pride and preferences than of any real damage to her. You are right to keep an eye on it and supplement where his paid caregivers are not being successful. Other than that, cut yourself and him (and them) a break when you can. Caregiving is amazingly challenging, hard, and emotional labor, whether done by family or professionals. I find my anger is usually based in that inevitable sneaky guilt that I'm always afraid I'm not doing enough. After 7 years, I'm gradually finding useful boundaries again, but we are all doing the best we can by the lights we have and it's very hard to watch our elders decline and admit that we can't control it or fix it. "God bless us every one."

I didn't mean to imply that sub standard care is good enough. Eyerish's suggestion to discuss it with the DON is the first step and will hopefully bring a resolution. The sad reality of institutional care is that no matter how caring the staff you are just one among many. Be vigilant, don't accept a brush off, but be prepared to accept care that is merely adequate rather than excellent. Too often it is the meek, compliant ones that are neglected simply because the staff are run off their feet by the squeaky wheels.

My father was in two nursing homes during the last 3 years of his life. The home apparently is 1) short of staff and 2) does not communicate with the patients physicians for a mild medication to allow cooperation for cleanliness. We walked that road, and transferred my father, thank God. I wish I would have reported the original home. Please take audio and film with your phone so you can show the neglect and the tone of the workers to the state department. You, and the different response of others more tolerant, have convinced me to contact the state department directly concerning what was NOT being done for my father and others and how it would change when they were due for inspection. Fight for your father's care. Who else will.

Sorry, I meant your husband, not your father. One more suggestion. If your husband is in Depends, please observe one that is wet from his urine. When I transferred my father, his urine was dark brown from a severe infection, and he was covered with bed sores. The country nursing home I'd brought him to took pictures, called the doctor, got help immediately, and every single night they would lotion Dad from top to toe. His dry skin and sores on his arm from scratching all went away. There can be such a difference between homes.

I am not quite sure what you mean by a "rest home". Does he have dementia? If there is not enough staff to patient ratio then you will get patients not cleaned as well as they can be. Discuss your concerns with the Administrator, and wait for improvements. If you don't see any, then move him. Address the "burning" with his doctor. It may be a UTI and he can take a red pill to clear it up.

My daughter has worked in nursing fascilities for 18 yrs. This is how she explained it to me. Once placed in an AL or NH it is now that persons home. They r a resident not a patient. They cannot be forced to do anything, even take meds. This is the law. Its considered elder abuse if they r forced. Residents r not gien showers everyday. Usually CNAs do this joband there r other residents she must do before her shift is done. My Mom receives hr showers at Daycare. The first time she refused I wasn't told. Because they shower her, I don't. I was told they can't make her. I told them I understood that but with her Dementia she can't make that decision. I said I picked their Daycare because they do give showers. I hold the medical POA so I feel I can override. :). Now when she refuses they tell her I say she has to get one. So she does. I tell her she is helping me. Personally, as a roommate I wouldn't appreciate someone smelling the room up.

We also found with Mom, she tends to refuse when the regular aide is not there. Such a shame we have to lose our dignity when we become elderly. I want to be gone before that happens.

Get the Director of this facility involved and them exactly what you wrote here.

This a sad but common problem - most family members visit during the day when there isn't more staff around and think things are well covered but they are not even if it is a top rated facility - frankly I would rather have my teeth brushed daily than a shower - if prompted and attended by either me or my private paid caregiver my near 93 year old mom will still want to brush her teeth wash her hands and face before going to bed

I try to shower her once a week and wash her hair which is a big ordeal

Her 4 UTIs since February are the result of inproper hygiene and being left in a soiled diaper - without me paying a private caregiver no one at the facility even puts a diaper on her- and I'm paying an extra $450 a month for incontinence care on top of the higher $300 a day for memory care - private caregivers are on top of this - we will soon go broke - our whole elder care system is horrendous

Is the incontinence care just the putting on of the diaper? which they're not even doing?...

I'm not sure what you mean by rest home. Is that assisted living or a nursing home? I'm assuming you mean a nursing home situation?
When my mother lived in independent living, she stopped showering, then stopped washing altogether. We tried for a full year to get her in the shower - might as well have tried to move a mountain. When we moved her to assisted living, she still refused. It took three months before she trusted an aide to help her "once in a while" and only because she was told she smelled. By law, they can't "force" them to shower if they refuse, and believe me, dementia patients can be stubborn!
When Mom fell and we moved her to a nursing home, she was confined to a wheel chair, recliner and bed. Then she had no choice, and I don't know how they did it, or if she gave up fighting, but they washed her. In the five months she was there, she was always clean, her hair washed and clothes clean. Her diaper never smelled, she never had a bed sore, and they put lotion all over her every day. Any little bump, cut or bruise, they were on the phone to us reporting it.
So, if your husband is in a nursing home, you should expect that he will be kept clean and injury free. If you have concerns you should sit down with the director and discuss it. Yes, patients can refuse to cooperate, but they should have at least one person who he would connect with to get the job done. Nursing homes cost a fortune, and you should expect him to be cared for and if he isn't, you need to know why. Maybe if he is resisting, they can give him medication to make him more cooperative.

discuss with the nurse manager or Director of Nursing. Check if your husband is refusing-my mom does that sometimes. We found out she wanted to shower later in the day not early in the morning as she was offered. I spoke with the nurse in charge on her unit and now the aide does her shower after lunch. She rarely refuses.

Newyorker, I think everyone here cares, but there is a reality concerning the level of care you get in these homes. Lots of people - not those here - think they can pay $$$ for institutional care for their loved ones and go on their merry way, thinking the care level is acceptable. I tell everyone that home care is always preferred - though not always possible - because of the ratio of staff to "patients." There simply are not enough staff to attend to the very intense and time-consuming needs. Throw in the few bad apples who don't really care about the residents, and problems can develop quickly. You absolutely need to be hands-on if at all possible, and be prepared to get involved with the caregiving. I do agree with everyone that the elderly are terrible about hygiene. The last time my mom took a shower was probably about a year and a half ago. We all do our best and, as someone pointed out earlier, you have to sometimes let some things slide. If there is out and out neglect, that is a real problem. The best approach is to get involved, visit at different times, observe, and draw your own conclusions. Good luck!

and no shower in a year and a half isn't neglect?

debdaughter, it would be called shampooing hair at the bathroom sink and doing sponge bathing

Get him out of there pronto and find someplace else for him

Tornadojan is right. I am fortunate to have siblings who visit often and keep an eye on what is going on with my mom. Altho, we have not had any serious problems with the facillity she is in. Some minor things--lost her glasses (which they replaced) misplaced her remote control for the TV. One of the aides put it in a drawer so it wouldn't get lost.. etc. But overall, we are fortunate they seem to take good care of her. One of us is there everyday checking in and watching how other residents are treated (which is good, respectful, attention to their needs). But it takes a lot out of you...and it is hard. And you do need to go at various times to see what goes on during the other shifts. The staff will get to know you and your loved one. There is a "settling in" period where they learn to live with each other. They have gotten used to my mom's quirks and try to accomodate her but as Jan said it is not a one on one situation. Sometimes it does take a while to get things done

My Mom is 94 with severe Dementia, is bed bound and legally blind. She was given 6 months to live a year ago. She has been living with me for a year now and I am here main caregiver. She is on hospice care and they come in twice a week and attempt to give her a bed bath. When she doesn't let them bathe her I attempt to. Sometimes she loves it and sometimes she will hit me and stiffen up so that it makes it impossible to bathe her. At first I would obsess about her not getting cleaned as much as I thought she should, but it is really hard. It is a hit and miss here at home even coming from me her daughter. Maybe you or another family member who visit could attempt a bed bath.

I worked as a CNA for 5 years on the nightshift. Most people don't realize that the night shift is responsible for a lot of things, we even showered residents. I had to start at 4 am getting my residents up, showered, dressed, and ready for breakfast. My shift ended at 6:30 and I can tell you I was drenched with sweat from trying to get it all done. I had 15 residents to do by myself, most were men and were a lot bigger than me, a few were combative (makes dressing so much fun!) We were overworked, underpaid and understaffed and I don't feel the times have changed much since I worked as a CNA. Others are absolutely right to say that they are residents, not patients, and they have the right to refuse care (unless there is a diagnosis of a mental disorder such as dementia or alzheimers that keeps them from caring for themselves and you get a court order) It's a tough job. We were there when families were not, either by necessity or by choice. I loved my residents, bought them gifts, read to them, did manicures and pedicures, etc. But I also had to do my job and as much as I hated to rush them there were times when it was necessary. Talk to the Director of Nursing like others suggested, he/she might give you insights on the situation that you hadn't thought of. :)

AmyGrace: Rest Home is an old school term for an NH.