My husband has Alzheimer's and I'm in love with someone else, now what?

First, you were very brave to write this.

If Rick were available and had the inclination, I would say "go for it." But he is not.

It is perfectly understandable that you have fallen out of love with your husband. It does not make you a bad person.

Now is the time to find joy and happiness elsewhere. There is great abundance all around us. Get yourself some books about mindfulness and meditation. Or join a course or retreat.

I am in a similar situation. I care for my husband, and love him, but am bored to death with him. By the time he finishes a sentence, I am almost asleep. I am tired of being the maid and the cook. And other men do look interesting, I must say. But I am in this to the bitter end.

I find joy and happiness with grandchildren, and daily by joining on-line help groups. I go out for coffee a lot with friends. I read murder mysteries--love' em. So,it is still possible to have an ok life. Lots and lots of people on this site do!

Speak to the lawyer about a Pooled Income Trust and spousal refusal. The trust is a vehicle where he puts his money to be used for the sole purpose of his care, so you have the money but it is just tagged for his needs. Spousal refusal is a common set up where your monies are protected and yours only. His debt and cost of care is his not your responsibility . And the lawyer can have you sign a document to protect your assets from " going down the drain". These practices are common and necessary.
Now onto " Rick". It is easy to romanticize one's first love. Even if you feel your life would have been better with him , and not your spouse, don't live your life pining and waiting . It may never be the way you want it. If it is meant to be, it will be...In the meantime live your life and enjoy new things/relationships. If you need to place your husband in a facility, do so. It doesn't mean you are any less of a caregiver. Just a more relaxed one.
You will never know what your life would have been like with "Rick" . And it doesn't matter at this point.
I hope that you are being paid for being your husbands caregiver. There is a way to receive compensation for you assistance. Ask the lawyer. It names you as the so called "home attendant" and is perfectly legal and acceptable.
I hope things get easier for you and yes, venting is part of caregiving...

A friend of mine was in that situation. She made the decision to divorce the person she did not love. This was a mutual decision as he felt the same way. This was not something either of them took lightly. I do not know how it all turned out later on as I have not heard from her since all this took place. I know the divorced husband passed away at some point.

Carefor1 I do feel for You as I know well the journey You are on, though My own Mother was a Darling God Bless the Crater.----- Remember those vows You took with Your Dear Husband....You must honour them, and Your Husband. Unfortunately We can not turn back time and all We can do is swim with the waves. I understand You when You say that You do not love Your Husband.....not in that way, but You do love Him as You are Caring for Him. Have NO regrets Girl as Life is so full of surprises and You never know what is around the corner for You.... Good Luck... Johnny ☘

Keep in mind that if you place your husband in a care facility or if he dies before you, you won't have to care for him for the rest of your life. At some point, Rick may become a widower and you may be a widow. Accept that you may or may not both be free under these circumstances.

I once cared for someone I did not love. It is very hard knowing that when they pass you will be free. In my case, there was no family ties. We never lived together. She was only a cousin who was 10 years older. There was no one to show her kindness. Sometimes people create the life they have led. It is a good shock to their system to be shown what it is like for someone else to care for them. It does not matter what you feel about them, they may feel the same way to you. Only when it causes you pain thru their resentment and abuse after your efforts to make them comfortable, get out of their way. They feel they have nothing to loose. The rest of your life has no guarantee.

I'll join others and stress the necessity to take care of yourself and not to let your mother move in. I hope you are able to find an affordable place for your husband. Once you have more time and space for yourself, I encourage you to connect with gal pals and start rebuilding your circle of meaningful relationships. I so admire your commitment to care for your husband and he is fortunate to have you manage his care. That said, you need nurturing by friends and family, too.

Sorry about your situation. Life can be disappointing. We make decisions and then have to live with the consequences. Try to find a balance between what is fair and reasonable for your husband and mother and what you can do without destroying the rest of your own life.

Bless you...Caregiving sucks the life out of the spirit in so many ways..Early in my own caregiving assignment for my massively handicapped wife, I asked God for a servant's heart. He provided me with it. We do not ever get use to it, but we do learn to live with it..

I find the first six verses of Psalm 23 to be especially adequate to keep me settled emotionally.

Grace + Peace,

Bob

Don't allow mom to move in with you that will only make matters worse. The attorney should be able to help. You can get your husband on Medicaid, but it takes careful planning. They do not want to impoverish the spouse.

And your first love. My mom married her first love at the age of 80. My dad passed about fifty years ago, mom dated, but never remarried until he reentered her life. This was about the same time that mom was diagnosed with dementia and uterine cancer. The cancer was eradicated, but the dementia was not. He was an excellent caregiver to her until a hip replacement, then mom was too difficult for him to provide her care any longer. At that point I became the 24/7 caregiver which lasted four years.

They entered a care facility almost two years ago, mom in memory care, he in assisted. He passed this past October, mom was moved to a care home because her behaviors had become unmanageable. She was accepted to hospice about the same time as his death.

Most of the ten years they had together were happy ones for them. Alzheimer's will not last forever. A friend of mine just lost this wife to dementia, she was only 62 and lived about five or six years after her diagnosis. Her behaviors had become impossible to deal with at home, she had to be placed in a facility two years ago, on Medicaid.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Please PLEASE give careful consideration to the fact that your mother wants to move in with you. I am going through that now and that will pile even more on your plate. I can tell you are a compassionate person. Please take care of yourself

Thank you so much for your input, Jeannegibbs, I really appreciate your response very much and to know I'm not alone with my feelings. I get so overwhelmed sometimes that I feel the Lord has abandoned me. My son is going through a difficult marriage, my mom is in her 90's and wants to move in with me.....it is almost too much to handle. I babysit our grandchild twice a week and I have told the kids that I cannot do it anymore, it is just too much to ask of me. Anyway, sorry for the venting. My husband is now becoming incontinent, he's in depends and I have to check him every couple of hours. I want to put him in memory care but the expense is so overwhelming! I am meeting with an elder care attorney next week to see how my finances are to cover the cost. I hate to see our lifelong savings just go like that, but I guess it is inevitable....stay tuned, hopefully everything will work out ok.
Thanks again for your response, it is so nice of you to lift me up and to know I'm not alone in my feelings. It is a hard thing to face for sure. I married when I was 20 and have been married for 45 years.

No one whose spouse has dementia is happy with the way things turned out. We all wish it were different. And people who marry for "all the wrong reasons" also have regrets and wish it were different. You are not alone in your feelings. So vent away! You have a sympathetic audience here.

So what do you do? I think you go forward with the decision you have made, to care for the man you married. This is the "in sickness and in health" part of the vows. Be caring and kind. Don't be a martyr. It is OK to hire help for his care. It is OK to place him in a care facility when the caregiving demands become too great. It is OK to maintain your own life as you look after his.

I look back on my college days and realize there is one decision I wish I had made differently. Sometimes I am a little wistful about it. Sometimes I wonder how things might have been different now if I had been wiser then. I imagine many people -- maybe everyone -- has some regrets about some past decisions. I can't go back and make that decision over, any more than you can go back and marry your true love. We learn, and move forward.

Or as we said in my youth, Bloom Where You Are Planted Now.