My husband has Alzheimer's and I'm in love with someone else, now what?

No one whose spouse has dementia is happy with the way things turned out. We all wish it were different. And people who marry for "all the wrong reasons" also have regrets and wish it were different. You are not alone in your feelings. So vent away! You have a sympathetic audience here.

So what do you do? I think you go forward with the decision you have made, to care for the man you married. This is the "in sickness and in health" part of the vows. Be caring and kind. Don't be a martyr. It is OK to hire help for his care. It is OK to place him in a care facility when the caregiving demands become too great. It is OK to maintain your own life as you look after his.

I look back on my college days and realize there is one decision I wish I had made differently. Sometimes I am a little wistful about it. Sometimes I wonder how things might have been different now if I had been wiser then. I imagine many people -- maybe everyone -- has some regrets about some past decisions. I can't go back and make that decision over, any more than you can go back and marry your true love. We learn, and move forward.

Or as we said in my youth, Bloom Where You Are Planted Now.

Thank you so much for your input, Jeannegibbs, I really appreciate your response very much and to know I'm not alone with my feelings. I get so overwhelmed sometimes that I feel the Lord has abandoned me. My son is going through a difficult marriage, my mom is in her 90's and wants to move in with me.....it is almost too much to handle. I babysit our grandchild twice a week and I have told the kids that I cannot do it anymore, it is just too much to ask of me. Anyway, sorry for the venting. My husband is now becoming incontinent, he's in depends and I have to check him every couple of hours. I want to put him in memory care but the expense is so overwhelming! I am meeting with an elder care attorney next week to see how my finances are to cover the cost. I hate to see our lifelong savings just go like that, but I guess it is inevitable....stay tuned, hopefully everything will work out ok.
Thanks again for your response, it is so nice of you to lift me up and to know I'm not alone in my feelings. It is a hard thing to face for sure. I married when I was 20 and have been married for 45 years.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Please PLEASE give careful consideration to the fact that your mother wants to move in with you. I am going through that now and that will pile even more on your plate. I can tell you are a compassionate person. Please take care of yourself

Don't allow mom to move in with you that will only make matters worse. The attorney should be able to help. You can get your husband on Medicaid, but it takes careful planning. They do not want to impoverish the spouse.

And your first love. My mom married her first love at the age of 80. My dad passed about fifty years ago, mom dated, but never remarried until he reentered her life. This was about the same time that mom was diagnosed with dementia and uterine cancer. The cancer was eradicated, but the dementia was not. He was an excellent caregiver to her until a hip replacement, then mom was too difficult for him to provide her care any longer. At that point I became the 24/7 caregiver which lasted four years.

They entered a care facility almost two years ago, mom in memory care, he in assisted. He passed this past October, mom was moved to a care home because her behaviors had become unmanageable. She was accepted to hospice about the same time as his death.

Most of the ten years they had together were happy ones for them. Alzheimer's will not last forever. A friend of mine just lost this wife to dementia, she was only 62 and lived about five or six years after her diagnosis. Her behaviors had become impossible to deal with at home, she had to be placed in a facility two years ago, on Medicaid.

Bless you...Caregiving sucks the life out of the spirit in so many ways..Early in my own caregiving assignment for my massively handicapped wife, I asked God for a servant's heart. He provided me with it. We do not ever get use to it, but we do learn to live with it..

I find the first six verses of Psalm 23 to be especially adequate to keep me settled emotionally.

Grace + Peace,

Bob

Sorry about your situation. Life can be disappointing. We make decisions and then have to live with the consequences. Try to find a balance between what is fair and reasonable for your husband and mother and what you can do without destroying the rest of your own life.

I'll join others and stress the necessity to take care of yourself and not to let your mother move in. I hope you are able to find an affordable place for your husband. Once you have more time and space for yourself, I encourage you to connect with gal pals and start rebuilding your circle of meaningful relationships. I so admire your commitment to care for your husband and he is fortunate to have you manage his care. That said, you need nurturing by friends and family, too.

I once cared for someone I did not love. It is very hard knowing that when they pass you will be free. In my case, there was no family ties. We never lived together. She was only a cousin who was 10 years older. There was no one to show her kindness. Sometimes people create the life they have led. It is a good shock to their system to be shown what it is like for someone else to care for them. It does not matter what you feel about them, they may feel the same way to you. Only when it causes you pain thru their resentment and abuse after your efforts to make them comfortable, get out of their way. They feel they have nothing to loose. The rest of your life has no guarantee.

Keep in mind that if you place your husband in a care facility or if he dies before you, you won't have to care for him for the rest of your life. At some point, Rick may become a widower and you may be a widow. Accept that you may or may not both be free under these circumstances.

Carefor1 I do feel for You as I know well the journey You are on, though My own Mother was a Darling God Bless the Crater.----- Remember those vows You took with Your Dear Husband....You must honour them, and Your Husband. Unfortunately We can not turn back time and all We can do is swim with the waves. I understand You when You say that You do not love Your Husband.....not in that way, but You do love Him as You are Caring for Him. Have NO regrets Girl as Life is so full of surprises and You never know what is around the corner for You.... Good Luck... Johnny ☘

A friend of mine was in that situation. She made the decision to divorce the person she did not love. This was a mutual decision as he felt the same way. This was not something either of them took lightly. I do not know how it all turned out later on as I have not heard from her since all this took place. I know the divorced husband passed away at some point.

Speak to the lawyer about a Pooled Income Trust and spousal refusal. The trust is a vehicle where he puts his money to be used for the sole purpose of his care, so you have the money but it is just tagged for his needs. Spousal refusal is a common set up where your monies are protected and yours only. His debt and cost of care is his not your responsibility . And the lawyer can have you sign a document to protect your assets from " going down the drain". These practices are common and necessary.
Now onto " Rick". It is easy to romanticize one's first love. Even if you feel your life would have been better with him , and not your spouse, don't live your life pining and waiting . It may never be the way you want it. If it is meant to be, it will be...In the meantime live your life and enjoy new things/relationships. If you need to place your husband in a facility, do so. It doesn't mean you are any less of a caregiver. Just a more relaxed one.
You will never know what your life would have been like with "Rick" . And it doesn't matter at this point.
I hope that you are being paid for being your husbands caregiver. There is a way to receive compensation for you assistance. Ask the lawyer. It names you as the so called "home attendant" and is perfectly legal and acceptable.
I hope things get easier for you and yes, venting is part of caregiving...

First, you were very brave to write this.

If Rick were available and had the inclination, I would say "go for it." But he is not.

It is perfectly understandable that you have fallen out of love with your husband. It does not make you a bad person.

Now is the time to find joy and happiness elsewhere. There is great abundance all around us. Get yourself some books about mindfulness and meditation. Or join a course or retreat.

I am in a similar situation. I care for my husband, and love him, but am bored to death with him. By the time he finishes a sentence, I am almost asleep. I am tired of being the maid and the cook. And other men do look interesting, I must say. But I am in this to the bitter end.

I find joy and happiness with grandchildren, and daily by joining on-line help groups. I go out for coffee a lot with friends. I read murder mysteries--love' em. So,it is still possible to have an ok life. Lots and lots of people on this site do!

Don't let mom move in. Take care of your husband, if he's young, sadly the time will come that you will have to put him in a facility. Hire help to come in as well.

First and foremost don't put any guilt on yourself for any thoughts, past or present, that you dwell on. Don't hold things inside either and know that venting is normal and ok, no need to apologize. This forum is great for reading others' plights, knowing you're not alone. Your input is appreciated and helpful to others. You may want to start a journal, writing when it feels right. It sounds like you are taking care of you, preparing to make decisions. Consult with an elder attorney for knowledge and to have things in order. Research facilities and visit for future needs. A day program for ALZ and memory impairments would be good for your husband in the meantime and would give you a break. Find good help to assist him with the "guy stuff," is a necessity. As the disease progresses he will need hands on, there may be behavior concerns, making it more challenging for you. A support group may help you, others sharing their knowledge on caregiving. We make a decision to care for someone out of love, the right kind is unconditional. I commend you for making the decision to care for your husband, even though the past was not a perfect one. It's hard to forget unpleasant memories, to let them go, but we must for us. We can't give up trying to forgive others who may have hurt or disappointed us. Stay strong and focused, rest, take care of you as well. God Bless

carefor1, you married "Tom" for all the wrong reasons, but I bet he married you because he truly loved you. There is nothing wrong with thinking how would life have been with "Rick", I think many of us pine away about the one that got away. I know I do.

My high school sweetheart is now a widower... but as usual timing has always been off. When I was free, he wasn't.... and when he was free, I wasn't. It can make life stressful if you get too involved. I know when we reconnected via the internet, it was like being teenagers again.

As for your Mom moving in, what if down the road Rick was free and came back into your life? What would your Mom think as you mentioned your parents didn't like Rick? Something else to think about.... [sigh]

Updates, carefor1? I have been enjoying everyone's comments regarding the "one that got away". My ex husband married his old sweetheart. Apparently she had been pining for him for almost 30 years. She even had a shrine with his pictures and stuff. LOL Now she wishes she hadn't married him. (There's a reason he has 2 ex-wives.) Sometimes the memory is WAY better than the actuality. Just sayin'.

What a difficult situation. You sound exhausted emotionally and physically. You also sound depressed (and who would not be?).
This is the kind of situation that is perfect for therapy.
Have you talked to your doctor about your depression and hopelessness? If not start there and ask for a referal to someone in your insurance network that you can see for therapy.
Good therapy can help you think more clearly, see your options and support you in taking care of yourself.
You have the right to a life that includes happiness and and peace.

Everyone changes over the years and by now that high school sweet heart may be someone you would not touch with a ten foot pole.
You don't really know someone until you have been married to them. I do mean married not just living with them "to see if it works"
Fortunately we don't know what the future will bring so keep doing your duty and find as many outside interests and friends as you can.

You situation really touched my heart. Many decades ago, I broke up with my first husband. Now almost fifty years later, I have felt regret. In the meantime, I have been in an unsatisfying marriage for many years.
I have many of the feelings you have for your first love, and it is also understandable because none of your needs now are fulfilled in your marriage. It is also understandable that your family would not agree to any changes in your marriage.
You need to separate two issues: your feelings for a past love, and care for your husband now. As for the second, perhaps you can make less onerous, burdensome, stressful arrangements to care for him: part time help, full time help, other relatives (children?) or a nursing home. These will relieve demands on you, which may be partly why you are looking to the past with remorse.
As to your relationship to your first love, my advice is to tread carefully. A lot of time has passed, and he may have moved on. You may be no more than a pleasant memory, or a painful reminder which he has had to overcome. You say he is married. He may be happy in that marriage, and he may have children or grandchildren. You do not want to be the one to break that marriage up, so if you do decide that you must contact him--and after you have arranged for care for your husband--do so casually. Simply say you were thinking about him and wondered how he is doing. Do not intimate that you are still deeply attached to him, but let his response (or--to be prepared for it--lack of response) be your guide as to how to proceed.
This is just my advice. You and I are surely not the first people in history to ache with remorse and the loss--for whatever reasons--of a first love. May your situation turn out well for you!

Grass is always greener on the other side.

Wow, carefor1, I felt like I was reading my story when I saw your post. Even my husband's name is Tom! We will be married 43 yrs this month but there has been no love for years. Seems he had some kind of illness or surgery that had to be taken care of and I felt obligated to stay and help. Now I am stuck...he had several back surgeries that left damage, PK, dementia and post-polio syndrome. Then my mom's dementia got so bad I had to get her into AL.. I could not move her in with me and please don't even consider that. You will be dead before either of them. I had to quit my job to care for everyone...except myself of course. I have so many aches and pains from lifting and moving him around but can't do anything about it, I need my hands and arms to care for him. Someday our Toms will be in a better place and we can move on, sounds nice - right?
As far as Grandchildren go, you should try to get someone in to help with Tom on the days you have the kids, unless you don't enjoy that. Those beautiful, innocent little faces must bring such joy to be around, that has to do wonders for you. You are so lucky to have them around, mine live in London England 😢 Don't push them away.
I too was in contact with my 1st love via Internet but decided to stop, was just too weird trying to live in the past.
Deal with today and see what tomorrow brings,best wishes.

I appreciate all of the answers that have been posted. My situation is a little different. We have been married for 54 years. I do love my husband but at times I resent him. When we were young he was a real bastard and now the picture is very different.

My husband has Parkinson's Disease and Lewy Body Dementia. LBD is second in line with AZD. I am the care giver, cook, house keeper etc. There are days when I could scream. At that point I throw a little temper tantrum and the stress passes.

The reason why my situation is different: for years I longed for and imagined how my life would have been with my first love. Of course the dream was a full length love story. I ran into him around 9 years ago. Oh boy am I ever lucky I didn't marry him. The person who posted the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence nailed it. In this case the other side of the fence was full of weeds and full of rubble.

The best to you. I firmly believe when it is our time to pass the worst thing one can have is guilt and remorse. Do your best.

My heart aches for you. I feel somewhat similarly.....my hubby is not sick, but supremely depressed and completely uninterested in me as his wife. I care for him and our home and our family. I look back at "love of my life" and still am in some contact with him--but he also has a wife and family. We BOTH have said "If only..." but we do not act on it. And never will.
I know it's easier to think that life would have been better with someone else, but in fact, maybe it still would have turned out "disappointingly".
Young loves are always "young" in our hearts and minds. Sometimes when my hubby is particularly rude or dismissive of me, I will drift back to my youth and just immerse myself in the memories of the time I did have with this man. Then I wake up and face the world.
I guess I just keep hoping against hope that my hubby will "get better" (realistically, I know he's not going to) and hang on to that hope and find fulfillment in other areas of life. I would not break up a marriage and family, and neither would my "ex".
I try to remember better times with my husband. I try to be kind and keep my sadness and tears to myself. He has changed 180 degrees from the man I married. I'm sure with Alz. your husband has changed dramatically also. This is called "life" and there are no guarantees in it at all. I could live very happily with my husband if he acknowledged that I existed and was very sad and lonely for our old relationship. (Once upon a time, it was good, for about 20 minutes.) I'm just trying to replace love for him with the amazing love of grandkids and realizing I have created a wonderful family with him, despite his moodiness. It's OK. And that has to be good enough. God bless you.

I'm Sorry to hear of your situation. I understand how you feel. But you married for better or worse, in sickness and health. you need to take care of your husband. what if you were the one who was sick and needed care. And then you say the man you are in love with is married and you wouldn't do anything to hurt his family. So you two wouldn't be able to be together anyway. Maybe one day things will work out differently for you.

The man you care for isn't the same one you married. Times like this, I remember the "better, worse, sickness, health" vows. Whoever wrote those didn't contemplate how long people live these days. I care for my husband (not doing such a good job these days) and help with my 84 year-old aunt and try to keep her adult children from killing each other. Meanwhile, my knees are shot, I can't manage my home, cars,. . .you all know this story. It makes an old flame look pretty good, but that isn't an answer. Get help, find some fun, respite, support group, anything with people.

Carefor1: You did not stay with someone all these years that you did not care for and love. Like me you have probably mourned the loss of your marriage already. I knew things would never be the same, and my life as I knew it was over. For 2 years I also thought about the love that got away. At my age now I'm realistic and I know things are not always greener on the other side of the fence. It helped me get through the final stage of his illness though. One thing I was not told, it takes about a year to recover. It has been 6 months and I am just starting to get my energy back and show interest in going out and doing things. Keep a smile on your face and your eyes open because as Johnny said, you never know what's around the corner.

carefor1

Your questions and concerns are readily seen every day in our modern medical community. All I want you to know from the first statement, in this answer, to know you have normal feelings and concerns. Working through this situation will require an immense amount of personal searching and examining of your life. This job will allow you to proceed with your life in a positive manner. I understand you will stay with him and continue to care for him the rest of his natural life.

When you have time to sit back and examine all that the situation presents I believe you will find you are actively grieving the loss of a life you dreamed. Your quagmire is very understandable. You will be able to find support groups that can meet your specific needs. Now keeping in mind, you are all right to have these feelings and not abandoning your husband and your values.

There are some housekeeping issues you will have to examine some sobering questions. You may want to enlist the services of an Elder Issues Attorney. This is why: People having a diagnosis of Alzheimer's may live an extended period. This disease can leave a family in destitute circumstances. Look at all of your thoughts and conversations with your husband and family before making decisions concerning questions you will be possibly ask. Examine your life with your relationship with him before this date; what had the two of you discussed for your later life, your income, and financial status, what you know in your heart is right for you and your family.

The "man of my dreams" and I broke off our engagement years ago. (1996). My family adored him. The break up almost destroyed me. It took two years for me to recover. I love my husband dearly. We have a beautiful child. I have a strong Christian marriage. Recently I wondered why? Why did this happen? I never got an explanation for the break up. I dug and dug on the internet. I contacted no one. It turns out he was sleeping with his best friend's wife behind my back. She was a real sneak. She pretended to be my friend the whole time. Immediately after we broke up, they got married. Four years later, he died of a brain tumor. (2000) His wife used his life insurance money to buy an auto body shop out on the interstate right here in my home town. I never used that shop, so I knew nothing about it until recently. So, I relived a horrible event by finding out. Still, I finally had closure. How they both did me so dirty was astounding. I'm amazed that they were such sneaks and at her viciousness and his cruelty. They deserved one another and I dodged what would have been a horrible life with him. Maybe this is what God wants for you. To leave it alone. There are so many others that would be hurt if you moved forward. And, of course, the blame would be all on you. I don't believe you could ever have a happy and peaceful life with the former friend. No one would let you. It could be miserable and your worst nightmare. Just some thoughts. Praying for you.

It is a difficult situation. The man is married and so are you. You may find that he is not the DREAM you think he is. The "thing", till death do us part is hanging over you. It hangs over Rick also. I have to tell you, you are in a position where you are alone. If you are a person who attend church and BELIEVES, then you might get down on your knees and pray about this. The very idea that you are talking to this man and dreaming about this man is already borderline. As women, we see other men and we WONDER....But, when we get closer to that man we realize he is not that much better and we are fortunate to have the man we have. Get some help to care for your husband and visit other friends and family. Start painting, or some kind of craft. I don't know how old you are, but eventually, he may need for care than you can give him. "In Sickness and in Health". It is not easy...I will pray for you.