My husband has Alzheimer's and I'm in love with someone else, now what?

What now? Well, you do as you said. Take care of the man you married. Not easy. Especially when you love another. But, you took the vow and to leave now would be wrong. You stayed during health, stay now.  I am sure you still care for this man even though he's not the one.  As for your true love....you say he is married with a family. Cut ties. Not even an email. I've been the woman whose husband cheated...I would never do that to another person. Having said that, I live with regrets every day because I like you, married the wrong man for the wrong reasons. I stayed because I took those vows.   The man I should have married has a family now too. I have to accept that. I wish I could go back, fix the mess I've made of my life, but I can't. And you can't. If you'd left your husband before his illness it would be different. But not now. And your soul mate belongs to others. Not only would a reunion destroy his wife, it would also destroy his children and many many other folks. Like I said, I've been on that end of the equation and my ex broke a lot of hearts. So hang tough . When the time is right God will send us both a soul mate that's free. God bless you.

I want to thank you for all who responded to my plight.
I am caring for my husband and honoring my wedding vows...in sickness and in health. I think when I married at the age of 20, I really had no clue as to what I was doing!!!! I just wanted out from under my mom and dad's rules. I am caring for my husband, keeping him at home for as long as I can, I will be making an appointment with an elder care attorney soon to make sure I won't be impoverished as I do not have a pension, only social security. I get together with friends on a monthly basis which helps me tremendously!!! (GIRL friends!) and no, I will never ever remarry when the time comes that I'm on my own.....I never want to be a caregiver ever again! I will be just friends!!!! That I have learned. I still have great feelings for my first love, but know it can never be more than that...we both have different lives now and I don't want to jeopardize that. It's just too bad the way things turned out.

It's easy to love a dream--especially when reality sucks.
After my husband passed 12 years ago, I had an occasion to be in touch with the man I dumped to marry the man I did, thank God! He's still got a soft spot for me, after one wife who cheated, and another who recently passed, admits that he wasn't ready to settle down when I was. Probably will never actually see him, he lives a long ways away. Sometimes old loves work, not always. The mother of a friend married an old friend after her husband died, and it was an unexpected disaster. Hang in there.....

Penanger, I agree, you must see an eldercare lawyer who is all up to date with Medicaid planning! You will not be left with nothing, get on this right now so you can get your husband on Medicaid and so into a nursing home. (it sounds like he might be eligible for a nursing home, I don't know, but he will be eventually). You don't want to unnecessarily impoverish yourself, spending every penny. Please see an eldercare lawyer soon, I wish you good luck.

Penanger you need to see an elder law attorney that specializes in Medicaid planning. Medicaid does not want to impoverish the spouse. Yes, some assets must be used for husband's care but ....

I so feel for what you are going through. I am in the 7th year of caring for my husband, except I stopped loving him before he even got sick. He has dementia, the result of radiation therapy for a cancerous brain tumor that was 95% removed when he was 54 years old. Through our years of marriage, he became extremely angry and verbally abusive to me and our two girls. We did have some good times, but things got worse and worse over time. I wonder if his personality was changing due to the tumor growing inside his brain. I used to pray all the time for our marriage and realize now I should have got a divorce. The icing on the cake is that now that the brain tumor has mostly been removed, my husband is rather sweet, there is no anger or verbal abuse at all -- exactly what I had been praying for! This would be good news, except he's mentally gone. He's becoming incontinent, can't remember what he had to eat 3 minutes ago, and has the cognitive functioning that is less than 1% of a group of 200 'normal' men his age. He reminds me of a man in his 90's. Physically, he's well -- no diseases, no illnesses, not on any serious meds. This could go on for years. I too am afraid of Medicaid. I want him out of my life, but to do so, will end up being impoverished, as Medicaid requires we 'spend down' most of our retirement savings that we worked all our lives to build. So far, these savings have been a blessing, as they've enabled us to pay all the medical and care bills so far. I'm still working out of the home full-time to make ends meet. At a time when our retirement savings should be growing exponentially, they are slowly being depleted. So, like you, I'm trying to put it off as long as possible, but I don't know how much longer I'll be able to deal with this. I sure would like to have a life again, before I'm too old and/or ill to enjoy it (or before all the money's gone)! Thank-you for sharing your story. I hope things turn out well for you when you get through this ordeal!

Well, I know that we all don't stay the same-size waist, bust, etc. But doesn't mean you throw it all down the tubes. You work it out. "In sickness and in health."

My husband was (is?) the love of my life, the man of my dreams. But, he is no longer the man I married. The man I married was a funny, intelligent, loving, caring man. The man I'm married to now is incontinent, unable to bathe himself or even brush his teeth. I often ask myself if I'm still in love with him. And the answer is no. I love the man I married. I have compassion for the man I'm left with. No, we don't choose this. But we did marry for better or worse, in sickness and in health. And I know he would be there for me if the situation was reversed so we continue to trudge on. Some people say we have been given a gift, to share this part of the journey with them. I don't know.....

I hope to God that I can get really skinny so my husband will kiss me again. He is an self-centered man. It's not all beds of roses. 

My situation was different than yours. I loved and still love my husband with all my heart. He was blind and suffered with Dementia as well as severe headaches. I most certainly got stressed and overwhelmed at times, but never stopped loving him even on the tough days. I married my husband for all the right reasons. I lost him a little over six months ago. I feel so bad I lost my temper when I got frustrated with the situation. I know he would have done anything to make me happy and just couldn't change the situation. I have known the greatest love imaginable and so miss my husband. Were there days I just didn't feel like caring for him....yes. I would then think about how much we loved each other and knew he would help me so got my mind back on track and loved him through it all. Today I was thinking about how lucky I was he chose me. Real love just never dies. I hope you will find a way to love your husband for where you both are now. He will not be around long..... I would say make the best of where you are now and you will feel so much better for it in the end. Best wishes.......

Like the others, I would never tell you what to do.

However, how will a relationship with a married man help your situation? You're contemplating going against your wedding vows with a man who is openly committing adultery. Forgive me for saying this, but I wouldn't trust this man as far as I could throw him.

To want your own life back would be understandable - but you could do a lot better than taking on a married man who is already cheating on his wife. This man would probably never be true to you either. You're just another notch for his belt. You really don't need to do that to yourself.

There are social groups where you can meet with others in your situation - maybe that would help?

Good luck to you - I pray you find the right answer for your circumstances. Whatever they may be.

A lot of people have regrets about love later in life. A major regret is when parents destroy a loving relationship. You have lots of company.

Don't know about anyone else that is stuck taking care of a husband but...once we get through this there is no way I would take the chance of getting another sick one and have to start back at square one! It will be time for me!!

It is a difficult situation. The man is married and so are you. You may find that he is not the DREAM you think he is. The "thing", till death do us part is hanging over you. It hangs over Rick also. I have to tell you, you are in a position where you are alone. If you are a person who attend church and BELIEVES, then you might get down on your knees and pray about this. The very idea that you are talking to this man and dreaming about this man is already borderline. As women, we see other men and we WONDER....But, when we get closer to that man we realize he is not that much better and we are fortunate to have the man we have. Get some help to care for your husband and visit other friends and family. Start painting, or some kind of craft. I don't know how old you are, but eventually, he may need for care than you can give him. "In Sickness and in Health". It is not easy...I will pray for you.

The "man of my dreams" and I broke off our engagement years ago. (1996). My family adored him. The break up almost destroyed me. It took two years for me to recover. I love my husband dearly. We have a beautiful child. I have a strong Christian marriage. Recently I wondered why? Why did this happen? I never got an explanation for the break up. I dug and dug on the internet. I contacted no one. It turns out he was sleeping with his best friend's wife behind my back. She was a real sneak. She pretended to be my friend the whole time. Immediately after we broke up, they got married. Four years later, he died of a brain tumor. (2000) His wife used his life insurance money to buy an auto body shop out on the interstate right here in my home town. I never used that shop, so I knew nothing about it until recently. So, I relived a horrible event by finding out. Still, I finally had closure. How they both did me so dirty was astounding. I'm amazed that they were such sneaks and at her viciousness and his cruelty. They deserved one another and I dodged what would have been a horrible life with him. Maybe this is what God wants for you. To leave it alone. There are so many others that would be hurt if you moved forward. And, of course, the blame would be all on you. I don't believe you could ever have a happy and peaceful life with the former friend. No one would let you. It could be miserable and your worst nightmare. Just some thoughts. Praying for you.

carefor1

Your questions and concerns are readily seen every day in our modern medical community. All I want you to know from the first statement, in this answer, to know you have normal feelings and concerns. Working through this situation will require an immense amount of personal searching and examining of your life. This job will allow you to proceed with your life in a positive manner. I understand you will stay with him and continue to care for him the rest of his natural life.

When you have time to sit back and examine all that the situation presents I believe you will find you are actively grieving the loss of a life you dreamed. Your quagmire is very understandable. You will be able to find support groups that can meet your specific needs. Now keeping in mind, you are all right to have these feelings and not abandoning your husband and your values.

There are some housekeeping issues you will have to examine some sobering questions. You may want to enlist the services of an Elder Issues Attorney. This is why: People having a diagnosis of Alzheimer's may live an extended period. This disease can leave a family in destitute circumstances. Look at all of your thoughts and conversations with your husband and family before making decisions concerning questions you will be possibly ask. Examine your life with your relationship with him before this date; what had the two of you discussed for your later life, your income, and financial status, what you know in your heart is right for you and your family.

Carefor1: You did not stay with someone all these years that you did not care for and love. Like me you have probably mourned the loss of your marriage already. I knew things would never be the same, and my life as I knew it was over. For 2 years I also thought about the love that got away. At my age now I'm realistic and I know things are not always greener on the other side of the fence. It helped me get through the final stage of his illness though. One thing I was not told, it takes about a year to recover. It has been 6 months and I am just starting to get my energy back and show interest in going out and doing things. Keep a smile on your face and your eyes open because as Johnny said, you never know what's around the corner.

The man you care for isn't the same one you married. Times like this, I remember the "better, worse, sickness, health" vows. Whoever wrote those didn't contemplate how long people live these days. I care for my husband (not doing such a good job these days) and help with my 84 year-old aunt and try to keep her adult children from killing each other. Meanwhile, my knees are shot, I can't manage my home, cars,. . .you all know this story. It makes an old flame look pretty good, but that isn't an answer. Get help, find some fun, respite, support group, anything with people.

I'm Sorry to hear of your situation. I understand how you feel. But you married for better or worse, in sickness and health. you need to take care of your husband. what if you were the one who was sick and needed care. And then you say the man you are in love with is married and you wouldn't do anything to hurt his family. So you two wouldn't be able to be together anyway. Maybe one day things will work out differently for you.

My heart aches for you. I feel somewhat similarly.....my hubby is not sick, but supremely depressed and completely uninterested in me as his wife. I care for him and our home and our family. I look back at "love of my life" and still am in some contact with him--but he also has a wife and family. We BOTH have said "If only..." but we do not act on it. And never will.
I know it's easier to think that life would have been better with someone else, but in fact, maybe it still would have turned out "disappointingly".
Young loves are always "young" in our hearts and minds. Sometimes when my hubby is particularly rude or dismissive of me, I will drift back to my youth and just immerse myself in the memories of the time I did have with this man. Then I wake up and face the world.
I guess I just keep hoping against hope that my hubby will "get better" (realistically, I know he's not going to) and hang on to that hope and find fulfillment in other areas of life. I would not break up a marriage and family, and neither would my "ex".
I try to remember better times with my husband. I try to be kind and keep my sadness and tears to myself. He has changed 180 degrees from the man I married. I'm sure with Alz. your husband has changed dramatically also. This is called "life" and there are no guarantees in it at all. I could live very happily with my husband if he acknowledged that I existed and was very sad and lonely for our old relationship. (Once upon a time, it was good, for about 20 minutes.) I'm just trying to replace love for him with the amazing love of grandkids and realizing I have created a wonderful family with him, despite his moodiness. It's OK. And that has to be good enough. God bless you.

I appreciate all of the answers that have been posted. My situation is a little different. We have been married for 54 years. I do love my husband but at times I resent him. When we were young he was a real bastard and now the picture is very different.

My husband has Parkinson's Disease and Lewy Body Dementia. LBD is second in line with AZD. I am the care giver, cook, house keeper etc. There are days when I could scream. At that point I throw a little temper tantrum and the stress passes.

The reason why my situation is different: for years I longed for and imagined how my life would have been with my first love. Of course the dream was a full length love story. I ran into him around 9 years ago. Oh boy am I ever lucky I didn't marry him. The person who posted the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence nailed it. In this case the other side of the fence was full of weeds and full of rubble.

The best to you. I firmly believe when it is our time to pass the worst thing one can have is guilt and remorse. Do your best.

Wow, carefor1, I felt like I was reading my story when I saw your post. Even my husband's name is Tom! We will be married 43 yrs this month but there has been no love for years. Seems he had some kind of illness or surgery that had to be taken care of and I felt obligated to stay and help. Now I am stuck...he had several back surgeries that left damage, PK, dementia and post-polio syndrome. Then my mom's dementia got so bad I had to get her into AL.. I could not move her in with me and please don't even consider that. You will be dead before either of them. I had to quit my job to care for everyone...except myself of course. I have so many aches and pains from lifting and moving him around but can't do anything about it, I need my hands and arms to care for him. Someday our Toms will be in a better place and we can move on, sounds nice - right?
As far as Grandchildren go, you should try to get someone in to help with Tom on the days you have the kids, unless you don't enjoy that. Those beautiful, innocent little faces must bring such joy to be around, that has to do wonders for you. You are so lucky to have them around, mine live in London England 😢 Don't push them away.
I too was in contact with my 1st love via Internet but decided to stop, was just too weird trying to live in the past.
Deal with today and see what tomorrow brings,best wishes.

Grass is always greener on the other side.

You situation really touched my heart. Many decades ago, I broke up with my first husband. Now almost fifty years later, I have felt regret. In the meantime, I have been in an unsatisfying marriage for many years.
I have many of the feelings you have for your first love, and it is also understandable because none of your needs now are fulfilled in your marriage. It is also understandable that your family would not agree to any changes in your marriage.
You need to separate two issues: your feelings for a past love, and care for your husband now. As for the second, perhaps you can make less onerous, burdensome, stressful arrangements to care for him: part time help, full time help, other relatives (children?) or a nursing home. These will relieve demands on you, which may be partly why you are looking to the past with remorse.
As to your relationship to your first love, my advice is to tread carefully. A lot of time has passed, and he may have moved on. You may be no more than a pleasant memory, or a painful reminder which he has had to overcome. You say he is married. He may be happy in that marriage, and he may have children or grandchildren. You do not want to be the one to break that marriage up, so if you do decide that you must contact him--and after you have arranged for care for your husband--do so casually. Simply say you were thinking about him and wondered how he is doing. Do not intimate that you are still deeply attached to him, but let his response (or--to be prepared for it--lack of response) be your guide as to how to proceed.
This is just my advice. You and I are surely not the first people in history to ache with remorse and the loss--for whatever reasons--of a first love. May your situation turn out well for you!

Everyone changes over the years and by now that high school sweet heart may be someone you would not touch with a ten foot pole.
You don't really know someone until you have been married to them. I do mean married not just living with them "to see if it works"
Fortunately we don't know what the future will bring so keep doing your duty and find as many outside interests and friends as you can.

What a difficult situation. You sound exhausted emotionally and physically. You also sound depressed (and who would not be?).
This is the kind of situation that is perfect for therapy.
Have you talked to your doctor about your depression and hopelessness? If not start there and ask for a referal to someone in your insurance network that you can see for therapy.
Good therapy can help you think more clearly, see your options and support you in taking care of yourself.
You have the right to a life that includes happiness and and peace.

Updates, carefor1? I have been enjoying everyone's comments regarding the "one that got away". My ex husband married his old sweetheart. Apparently she had been pining for him for almost 30 years. She even had a shrine with his pictures and stuff. LOL Now she wishes she hadn't married him. (There's a reason he has 2 ex-wives.) Sometimes the memory is WAY better than the actuality. Just sayin'.

carefor1, you married "Tom" for all the wrong reasons, but I bet he married you because he truly loved you. There is nothing wrong with thinking how would life have been with "Rick", I think many of us pine away about the one that got away. I know I do.

My high school sweetheart is now a widower... but as usual timing has always been off. When I was free, he wasn't.... and when he was free, I wasn't. It can make life stressful if you get too involved. I know when we reconnected via the internet, it was like being teenagers again.

As for your Mom moving in, what if down the road Rick was free and came back into your life? What would your Mom think as you mentioned your parents didn't like Rick? Something else to think about.... [sigh]

First and foremost don't put any guilt on yourself for any thoughts, past or present, that you dwell on. Don't hold things inside either and know that venting is normal and ok, no need to apologize. This forum is great for reading others' plights, knowing you're not alone. Your input is appreciated and helpful to others. You may want to start a journal, writing when it feels right. It sounds like you are taking care of you, preparing to make decisions. Consult with an elder attorney for knowledge and to have things in order. Research facilities and visit for future needs. A day program for ALZ and memory impairments would be good for your husband in the meantime and would give you a break. Find good help to assist him with the "guy stuff," is a necessity. As the disease progresses he will need hands on, there may be behavior concerns, making it more challenging for you. A support group may help you, others sharing their knowledge on caregiving. We make a decision to care for someone out of love, the right kind is unconditional. I commend you for making the decision to care for your husband, even though the past was not a perfect one. It's hard to forget unpleasant memories, to let them go, but we must for us. We can't give up trying to forgive others who may have hurt or disappointed us. Stay strong and focused, rest, take care of you as well. God Bless

Don't let mom move in. Take care of your husband, if he's young, sadly the time will come that you will have to put him in a facility. Hire help to come in as well.