My husband has Alzheimer's and I'm in love with someone else, now what?

Don't know about anyone else that is stuck taking care of a husband but...once we get through this there is no way I would take the chance of getting another sick one and have to start back at square one! It will be time for me!!

A lot of people have regrets about love later in life. A major regret is when parents destroy a loving relationship. You have lots of company.

Like the others, I would never tell you what to do.

However, how will a relationship with a married man help your situation? You're contemplating going against your wedding vows with a man who is openly committing adultery. Forgive me for saying this, but I wouldn't trust this man as far as I could throw him.

To want your own life back would be understandable - but you could do a lot better than taking on a married man who is already cheating on his wife. This man would probably never be true to you either. You're just another notch for his belt. You really don't need to do that to yourself.

There are social groups where you can meet with others in your situation - maybe that would help?

Good luck to you - I pray you find the right answer for your circumstances. Whatever they may be.

My situation was different than yours. I loved and still love my husband with all my heart. He was blind and suffered with Dementia as well as severe headaches. I most certainly got stressed and overwhelmed at times, but never stopped loving him even on the tough days. I married my husband for all the right reasons. I lost him a little over six months ago. I feel so bad I lost my temper when I got frustrated with the situation. I know he would have done anything to make me happy and just couldn't change the situation. I have known the greatest love imaginable and so miss my husband. Were there days I just didn't feel like caring for him....yes. I would then think about how much we loved each other and knew he would help me so got my mind back on track and loved him through it all. Today I was thinking about how lucky I was he chose me. Real love just never dies. I hope you will find a way to love your husband for where you both are now. He will not be around long..... I would say make the best of where you are now and you will feel so much better for it in the end. Best wishes.......

I hope to God that I can get really skinny so my husband will kiss me again. He is an self-centered man. It's not all beds of roses. 

My husband was (is?) the love of my life, the man of my dreams. But, he is no longer the man I married. The man I married was a funny, intelligent, loving, caring man. The man I'm married to now is incontinent, unable to bathe himself or even brush his teeth. I often ask myself if I'm still in love with him. And the answer is no. I love the man I married. I have compassion for the man I'm left with. No, we don't choose this. But we did marry for better or worse, in sickness and in health. And I know he would be there for me if the situation was reversed so we continue to trudge on. Some people say we have been given a gift, to share this part of the journey with them. I don't know.....

Well, I know that we all don't stay the same-size waist, bust, etc. But doesn't mean you throw it all down the tubes. You work it out. "In sickness and in health."

I so feel for what you are going through. I am in the 7th year of caring for my husband, except I stopped loving him before he even got sick. He has dementia, the result of radiation therapy for a cancerous brain tumor that was 95% removed when he was 54 years old. Through our years of marriage, he became extremely angry and verbally abusive to me and our two girls. We did have some good times, but things got worse and worse over time. I wonder if his personality was changing due to the tumor growing inside his brain. I used to pray all the time for our marriage and realize now I should have got a divorce. The icing on the cake is that now that the brain tumor has mostly been removed, my husband is rather sweet, there is no anger or verbal abuse at all -- exactly what I had been praying for! This would be good news, except he's mentally gone. He's becoming incontinent, can't remember what he had to eat 3 minutes ago, and has the cognitive functioning that is less than 1% of a group of 200 'normal' men his age. He reminds me of a man in his 90's. Physically, he's well -- no diseases, no illnesses, not on any serious meds. This could go on for years. I too am afraid of Medicaid. I want him out of my life, but to do so, will end up being impoverished, as Medicaid requires we 'spend down' most of our retirement savings that we worked all our lives to build. So far, these savings have been a blessing, as they've enabled us to pay all the medical and care bills so far. I'm still working out of the home full-time to make ends meet. At a time when our retirement savings should be growing exponentially, they are slowly being depleted. So, like you, I'm trying to put it off as long as possible, but I don't know how much longer I'll be able to deal with this. I sure would like to have a life again, before I'm too old and/or ill to enjoy it (or before all the money's gone)! Thank-you for sharing your story. I hope things turn out well for you when you get through this ordeal!

Penanger you need to see an elder law attorney that specializes in Medicaid planning. Medicaid does not want to impoverish the spouse. Yes, some assets must be used for husband's care but ....

Penanger, I agree, you must see an eldercare lawyer who is all up to date with Medicaid planning! You will not be left with nothing, get on this right now so you can get your husband on Medicaid and so into a nursing home. (it sounds like he might be eligible for a nursing home, I don't know, but he will be eventually). You don't want to unnecessarily impoverish yourself, spending every penny. Please see an eldercare lawyer soon, I wish you good luck.

It's easy to love a dream--especially when reality sucks.
After my husband passed 12 years ago, I had an occasion to be in touch with the man I dumped to marry the man I did, thank God! He's still got a soft spot for me, after one wife who cheated, and another who recently passed, admits that he wasn't ready to settle down when I was. Probably will never actually see him, he lives a long ways away. Sometimes old loves work, not always. The mother of a friend married an old friend after her husband died, and it was an unexpected disaster. Hang in there.....

I want to thank you for all who responded to my plight.
I am caring for my husband and honoring my wedding vows...in sickness and in health. I think when I married at the age of 20, I really had no clue as to what I was doing!!!! I just wanted out from under my mom and dad's rules. I am caring for my husband, keeping him at home for as long as I can, I will be making an appointment with an elder care attorney soon to make sure I won't be impoverished as I do not have a pension, only social security. I get together with friends on a monthly basis which helps me tremendously!!! (GIRL friends!) and no, I will never ever remarry when the time comes that I'm on my own.....I never want to be a caregiver ever again! I will be just friends!!!! That I have learned. I still have great feelings for my first love, but know it can never be more than that...we both have different lives now and I don't want to jeopardize that. It's just too bad the way things turned out.

What now? Well, you do as you said. Take care of the man you married. Not easy. Especially when you love another. But, you took the vow and to leave now would be wrong. You stayed during health, stay now.  I am sure you still care for this man even though he's not the one.  As for your true love....you say he is married with a family. Cut ties. Not even an email. I've been the woman whose husband cheated...I would never do that to another person. Having said that, I live with regrets every day because I like you, married the wrong man for the wrong reasons. I stayed because I took those vows.   The man I should have married has a family now too. I have to accept that. I wish I could go back, fix the mess I've made of my life, but I can't. And you can't. If you'd left your husband before his illness it would be different. But not now. And your soul mate belongs to others. Not only would a reunion destroy his wife, it would also destroy his children and many many other folks. Like I said, I've been on that end of the equation and my ex broke a lot of hearts. So hang tough . When the time is right God will send us both a soul mate that's free. God bless you.