Husband coerced me to take care of mom in my home for years, promising to share his large inheritance. He now says it's "all his". Opinions?

Have you thought of a divorce and allowing courts to decide on split of assets. Personally your husband sounds like an unpleasant person to be married to, and you sound as though you did the caring for the wrong reasons - get out and move forward. You don't need to be married to this man but whilst you can call it coercion you looked after his mother for the prospect of money - we make our beds we lie in them.

Hi.... Does he share willingly with you?

I do not know the laws in your state. You need an eldercare specialist to sort this all out and tell you where you stand - the is a must. I assume there was nothing in writing - what a horrible mistake. No matter how big or small, make a written and signed agreement or God help you. Why you helped her when she was so cruel to you is something I do not understand. And once all is settled, you should think of leaving this selfish bastard for using you as he did as a slave to his mother.

I would set up a hidden camera, then revisit that verbal agreement. It doesn't sound like you're wanting a divorce, so play along like you don't care. Meanwhile don't pay any bills. Stash your money, then bounce. Unfortunately, he was five steps ahead of you.

How old are you? I don't quite understand your post. How old is his mother? How long have you been married to him? What happens if he dies first?

If your married what’s his is your also and vise verse . Take him to court

Edit: I hope that *you* had a written agreement of some kind.

It sounds like he's a narcissist and it's time for you to leave him. He isn't worth it. Also, I would get a lawyer concerning her care if that's feasible.

doraine: Imho, perhaps you should retain an elder law attorney. I hope that had some type of written agreement to this arrangement.

What’s not written down and notarized, don’t hold much weight these days. Some humans are very good liars, and their word is as good as what is convenient to them at the time. The only long shot here is that some kind if guilt sets in on the part of hubbie, and deals you in. Even 10% is better than zip. No pun intended, really.

Submit your bill for services rendered as caregiver.

Hi dorain-
One word answer: divorce.
And not because of the money, because of the entire, bigger picture.(based on info in your posting). I’m sure you did not get any help from your turd of a husband with the hands on caring for his mother? Keep in mind that apples don’t tend to fall to far from the tree- and the fact that your husband allowed his mother to abuse and use you over the years; dorain, he clearly does not have your back nor respect for you, his wife. He threw you under the mom bus so HE could reap the payoff. You are way more valuable than to settle for the man who was molded and raised by an abusive, narcissistic mother. Think about it. Best of luck to you
Susan xoxoxo

Don't wait until the final end, you have been abused enough. Get a divorce lawyer asap.

How to know when a loved one is lying. These days that happens very offen
When you want to know if someone is lying, look for inconsistencies in what they are saying. About 4% of people are accomplished liars and they can do it well.Watch them carefully, And then when they don't expect it, ask them one question that they are not prepared to answer to trip them up.
One of the most important indicators of dishonesty is changes in behavior. You want to pay attention to someone who is generally anxious, but now looks calm. Or, someone who is generally calm but now looks anxious.The trick, explained is to gauge their behavior against a baseline. Is a person's behavior falling away from how they would normally act? If it is, that could mean that something is up.Most people can't fake smile. The timing will be wrong, it will be held too long, or it will be blended with other things. Maybe it will be a combination of an angry face with a smile; you can tell because their lips are smaller and less full than in a sincere smile. These fake emotions are a good indicator that something has gone afoul.
While an average person might not know what it is he's seeing when he thinks someone isn't being honest and attribute his suspicion to instinct, a scientist would be able to pinpoint it exactly.So when a person is acting happy, but in actuality is really upset about something, for instance, his true emotion will be revealed in a subconscious flash of anger on his face. Whether the concealed emotion is fear, anger, happiness, or jealousy, that feeling will appear on the face in the blink of an eye. The trick is to see it.
The general rule is anything that a person does with their voice or their gesture that doesn't fit the words they are saying can indicate a lie, these contradictions, can be between the voice and the words, the gesture and the voice, the gesture and the words, or the face and the words. Too much detail could mean they've put a lot of thought into how they're going to get out of a situation and they've crafted a complicated lie as a solution. It's more important to recognize when someone is telling the truth than telling a lie because people can look like they're lying but be telling truth.
In general we have a choice about which stance we take in life, If we take a suspicious stance life is not going to be too pleasant, but we won't get misled very often, but If we take a trusting stance, life is going to be a lot more pleasant but sometimes we are going to be taken in. As a parent or a friend, you're much better off being trusting rather than looking for lies all the time.

Are you sure you didnt know your husband was a lying jerk before this? Sounds like you need to dump him AND get a lawyer.

You do need to see a lawyer. First write notes of all the discussions and ‘agreements’ you can remember about the shared care / shared inheritance issue, plus any letters or notes you can find. Many people think that an agreement has to be in writing and signed before it counts as a contract. That’s sometimes true, but often not. You may find you have an enforceable contract. In many cases he makes an offer, you provide ‘consideration’ ie the ‘price’ in return, wham, it's a contract.

Why has husband changed his mind? Do you think he sees himself as rich and eligible post-divorce? Is there any other reason, like a girlfriend in the wings? See a lawyer for advice before things get worse!

Many many counties have a bar association that offers free consults with attorneys of different specialties. See if that is available to you to find out how that inheritance will be viewed....then maybe ask that attorney to file the divorce suit, if it is important to get it filed before he does that.
By the way, try to move some of the shared resources to accounts in your name only. Before taking any other actions.
It is very common for a person who is trying to prevent a divorce or who is acting out of vengeance to withdraw all but a few dollars of the account, and put it in their own names.
A battered woman's program can give you more information on this stuff. While he may not have ever raised a fist to you, this is certainly emotional abuse and financial exploitation. And the child of a narcissist stands a higher than average chance of developing the same personality disorder traits. just expressed in different ways.
Good luck.

Dearest Doraine
I am so sorry for you terrible predicament. Your husband sounds very controlling and after decades of marriage you are finally seeing the light.

There is a lot of great advise here so I can only add that maybe you should stop thinking about “inheritance” because it belongs to him. Instead think of your husband as 3 million richer so you can sue him ie divorce. Monetarily detail the work you did, money you spent (unless it came from a joint acct) being sure to include caregiving HIS mother with the understanding that you be paid BY HIM after she passed away. Also ask that he GIVE you the house (paid off) and a generous alimony. Don’t mention the inheritance unless he claims to have no money. But do talk about the spousal abuse (controlling, manipulative)

Get a good Atty and file BEFORE he does. This is VERY IMPORTANT.
File tomorrow, then do your paperwork.
Good luck, Doraine. We all know you can do this!!!🥰🥰🥰

(Sigh)
I am in the situation of currently helping a dear friend navigate the waters of divorce.

She has been a SAHM until her daughter started school, and now she works PT at the school--looking to going FT when her daughter gets to HighSchool---so not bringing in an income that can support them. The ex has been hit and miss with child support, and since the divorce isn't final, he is not paying alimony.

Her husband cheated on her and left her high and dry. He now lives with his GF and wants a divorce from my friend--but he says he can do a better job than any attorney and he will just do it online and all will be well.

Not likely.

She inherited a good sum of money from her parents. SHE inherited it, he is not mentioned in the will at all. In our state, 100% of that money is HERS. It is not a combined marital asset and there is no way he can gets his hands on it. He's refused to file for divorce or even discuss it with her until the wills were probated. (her folks died 3 months apart, a couple years ago). This inheritance means she can support herself and her daughther without having to trust the soon-to-be ex. She worked FT until they had a child, then she was home. The work she did as a SAHM is valued and even though he says she was a lazy bloodsucker--HE never did a thing to help with childcare, or the upkeep of the home. He's left her with a house that is about halfway through a major remodel and no money to finish it.

A JUDGE will take all of the information into consideration and I pray she gets some fairness in the end.

BTW--My MIL wrote ME out of her will--she said (as far as I heard) that although DH will inherit 1/3rd of her estate, I am not to benefit from it.

People get so weird about money and inheritances.

PLease, please get a lawyer. They'll be worth every penny.

Wow- just wow. Sounds like your MIL wasn’t the only narcissist in the family. I would check community property laws. I have a feeling if you divorced him you’d get your half. But what a sad story that the love of money would drive such a division in a marriage. I’m sorry but it seems it was not built in a very solid footing if it’s all about money.

I would tell him exactly what I thought of him and not hold back. Then it would be divorce time. Run free and enjoy every moment of your freedom.

So it seems like you took care of both your mother and mil in your home. I would hastily follow the suggestions of other and talk with a divorce lawyer (but I would not let my husband know!) to see what grounds you have to share in the inheritance. Sounds like you have been living with a narcissistic, control freak for years but have now had a wake up call which is a good thing because he is subject to spend the inheritance totally on himself at any rate.

Please don't let him know that you are considering divorce. Play this up for an Oscar nomination. Talk to the lawyer and see what he says about leaving but based on the past actions I've seen play the leaving close to the chest and have your lawyers of social services find you a "safe" residence. 3 million dollars is a lot a money and it will drive some people right over the edge to do unthinkable acts. You have to stay safe in this which means you can't let him know you are divorcing/leaving until he comes home one day and.................. you aren't there.

Wishing you good luck!1

..so you cared for a wealthy mother-in-law with an eye out on sharing $3million but got nothing in the end? I think you should try to ask your husband for whatever he thinks is fair for you. You may not get 50% but may get some money...probably a much, much smaller amount. I don't think you have the resources for divorce because it was money that motivated you in the first place. Men like that will not part with anything and divorce fight can get ugly.

My first thought was has he ever treated you well?
He is just like his mother. I would hire a lawyer and prepare to leave. I wouldn't tell him my plans. I'm sorry......

Hello.

Is this your exhusband youre talking about ?

The fruit didn't fall far, did it?

Ah, I'm just gonna say it.

He. Is. A. D*ck.

D.i.v.o.r.i.c.e.

What a, well I already said that. There's some really good advice here. I hope you use it. Life is hard enough.

Contact an attorney and get out of there. If u don’t have any money to get yourself free; call the domestic abuse hotline and get direction. This guy sounds like a disgusting person.

OP,I just want to take a moment to say I’m sorry I am that this happened to you.

You did a good thing, entered into an agreement in good faith, and did so with someone who took vows to treat you with love and respect. I just want to acknowledge that if your husband said this you are losing 3 things: one, the money, which might’ve been your cushion in your later years. Two, a husband – a partner who is supposed to share your life with you and have your back. And three, a sense of stability - our community and finances are things that help us feel safe. And all this within the context of the exhaustion that you have probably experienced taking on this work which was not originally yours.

Sometimes it helps just to speak of what is truly lost. To be able to sit with it for a few minutes before you consider what your next steps are. I think if you could find a family lawyer Who is familiar with the ways that a partner might try to cheat another partner out of assets, it might help you gain some clarity around your next steps And options. I hope you also find some support, emotional and otherwise, to help you navigate something which could feel devastating on several levels. You sound like a good person, I wish you peace.

You didn’t mention if he’s your “ex husband” but based on this situation he should be! Get a lawyer! If your married, you have little chance of getting him to compensate you for work or care given in the past without some type of agreement. Verbal agreements are tough to prove but not impossible, getting an attorney for this will be expensive. If your still married and share finances, I’d write your self a check and let HIM figure out the legalities.

3 pieces of advice. ..
1. Find a lawyer.
2. Get a lawyer.
3. Consult with a lawyer.
DONE!!