How to tell spouse I am quitting driving?

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How to tell spouse I am quitting driving?

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After researching our area, I find that Uber, Lyft and various non-emergency transport companies will handle all transport including his mobility scooter. I am able to use the regular bus system for myself and two weeks ago used Uber for the first time; I am 67 and he is 79. Spouse has a scooter for short errands around the neighborhood and it's 1.5 miles to the nearest large grocery and 1 mile to the nearest convenience store from the house. The VA takes him door to door for all appointments.

He handled no longer driving for himself in March 2020 better than anticipated; his hand tremors are worse along with vision and physical strength. I did get a scare when I was ill some weeks ago and he proposed driving, and he pulled himself back from actually attempting; luckily, I've been able to scare up a driver for each time. I can't depend on that always happening. Another factor is that my night blindness is worse.

Not including gasoline expenses, the 1995 car accrued $3700 in repairs, insurance and oil changes from Jan. 2020 to July 2021 and it's currently in the repair shop; its Blue Book value is $250! I'm ready to let others take over transport. It's not like we live in a rural area because the suburbs have great support for elders' transport.

Spouse has mentioned how we /must/ have a car. I do understand because a measure of independence will go when the car goes. What I'm hoping for in this post are ways to broach the subject; I certainly don't expect the situation will be easy to get used to for him or for me.

Driving Mobility Spouse

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@llamalover47 It's in my name, up to date now on registration, and the disposal paperwork gets sent in this Friday to the DMV, which anticipates about another 4 weeks until the appointment to dispose of it. It needed 1. current registration, 2. the ability to drive 100 feet, and 3. have failed its smog test, among other requirements. I drove it this week around the block to keep its engine working okay, and noticed a stiffness in the power steering, yet another problem ... so let's hope all goes well.

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pronker: Best of luck on the auto.

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Thanks, everyone, for the fine responses and support. I'm grateful and wish you all the best.

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just explain calmly that since he can no longer drive safely with others on the road, that you find it difficult lately for yourself and concern over your safety with other people on the road that THEY are wreckless and might cause you harm. You might also want to let him know that due to the book value of the vehicle, it is costing more to take care of it and with the increase in gas prices, it is cheaper and saving money to have someone else do the transporting. Tell him just think of the money saved and security in knowing that YOUR vehicle will not be possibly involved in any accident that could take a life. Use that extra money for a special dessert you can buy at the store, etc. Sure wish you luck. both my parents (father now passed) didn't have a big issue with giving up the car, especially when i made it sound like it was "other" people that was not driving safely on the roads.

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The money issue is going to be a big deal in the discussion, as is the "other nuts on the road" issue. Thanks for replying.

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You’re very wise to see and accept your need to get rid of the car and have other transportation. I hope you’ll stand firm on this and refuse to discuss or argue about it. You’ve done a great job researching options and making new plans

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The plans are set for the change; thanks for replying. It's a tough time of life.

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Do you live in a big city, or suburb? How close to you to other conveniences besides the grocers? Like I mentioned in another post, many people of various ages are moving closer to big cities and ditching the car (they're happier for it as well, since they can save a lot of money not having that extra expense).

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It's a suburb in the city that has 300k people and is a county seat, so the resources are many - I've not driven in 4 weeks, while the car awaits its disposition back to the state. In the 4 weeks, the learning curve took us on quite the drive!

1. Uber and Lyft have premium prices at rush hour, best prices from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m.; their "window" is generally 1/2 hour. Thus far, they do not transport scooters.
2. The county van transports scooters, operates daily 8 a.m. to 5 p.m., with 48 hours' leadtime recommended to book rides. Saturdays mean many folks use the service, especially around 4 p.m., which means you may not be able to book; not yet tried on a Sunday.
3. The scooter goes 1 mile to the dentist and 1.5 miles to the nearest large grocery store; I ride my bicycle beside Spouse.
4. The VA handles door to door transport to all medical appointments.
5. The regular bus that stops one block from home is something that I use to some places, which requires planning as to time; it's worked out okay thus far.

It's been a time of transition, difficult as they all are, but I think the worst is over.

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My late parents were in their late 90's and they kept their car in case there was an emergency. Neither one was able to drive, so I think it was just a security blanket for them.

I saw no problem with them keeping the car. It was an older model, close to 20 years old. No repair issues. Our State has a yearly car tax, so their tax was very low due to the age of the vehicle. For car insurance, they could remove the collision insurance in case they damaged their own car. It still needed State inspection/emissions.

Only draw back with them having a car, every now and then Dad would say he was going to start driving again, that was huge hot button for me. I would get so stressed out.

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Thanks for the insights and yes, I believe it to be Spouse's blanket. I'll bet the announcement about your father driving was awful to hear about.

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Tell him that your vision is not good enough to be driving and that you are physically unable to help with his mobility equipment. You need a driver with a vehicle that can accommodate his equipment. Yes, it is not as convenient as having your own car, but he must acknowledge your and his limitations. Get yourselves set up to get as many things delivered as possible.

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I'm okay with all of this and hope things go well with the transition, thanks for replying.

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In addition to how you feel about driving, based on your numbers, getting rid of the car is the right move. Just tell him it can no longer be repaired. I took mom's car away, she had 5 encounters with other things in 5 months. She had no idea how they happen and then accused ME of hitting things. I simple got a ride to her house, told her it was getting serviced and never brought it back. I called and told her the news, she got over it. The hit and runs in town ended. She takes a cab now or the $3 senior bus to appointments and is completely fine with the arrangement. I have groceries delivered when I can't do it.

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Thanks for replying with your experiences.

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"Spouse has mentioned how we /must/have a car".

Why does he say that I wonder?

I live in a bigish place so Uber or taxi turns up quickly. (Teenager has stormed out & been gone in seconds LOL)

But on holidays in a smaller town, no Uber service, limited taxi & longish wait in evening.

Your options will depends on your town of course.

My retirement dream is a smaller town I could electric scooter - then mobility scooter around. Then an AL I can hover board around like the Back to the Future films (hopefully that gets invented soon 😂).

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Good to realize that others have the same dreams! Star Trek's beaming would be a wonderful thing, too! :) Thanks for replying; Spouse fears greatly not having immediate access to transport to the ER because March/April 2020 was very hard on him. He plummeted into depression, stopped eating to drop 20 pounds in about 40 days and required the ER numerous times. He's left now with great fears and feels a car is necessary. It's going to be a tough road to get used to living without a car on his side.

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I am sure others on this forum will give you great advice. So, I am going to addess the night blindness. Check with an Ophthalmologist, it may be time for you to have cataract surgery. My night vision improved 100% after my surgery.

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In my area, we have too many streets that are not lighted. No street lights in my subdivision. Thus, I still have issues with driving at night even after the cataract surgery :(

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Imho, perhaps you would incur more expenses in keeping the auto, e.g. repairs, auto insurance and gas.

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Thanks for replying; the car is a headache, all right.

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You may be surprised a lot of people (even younger ones) are choosing to live in places that are within walking, biking and/or public transit distance to the places that are important to them; There are many big city downtowns and the neighborhoods around them have seen a big population boom; home prices have risen too. These same people, either don't need or want to own a car.

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Absolutely, both of my daughters walk to nearby places. My youngest sometimes daughter rides a scooter and my oldest daughter walks, cycles, takes the bus or streetcar.

I didn’t own a car when I was young. I walked, rode my bicycle or took public transportation everywhere. I loved cycling. I cycled for many miles without getting tired. I drank water after a long ride to stay hydrated. I have always been physically fit and could endure physical activity for long periods of time.

My husband and I shared a car for years before buying a second car. I dropped him off at his carpool, drove myself to work, then picked him up from his carpool.

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Your car won't pass the smog test. A new exhaust system costs $$$hundreds. It costs how much to insure per year? It's not worth repairing such a vehicle yet your husband expects you to maintain the vehicle so that he can go bargain food shopping. On your profile you wrote that you take in boarders to make ends meet. How many Uber and Lyft trips can you pay for with the money you will save on not having that clunker? I would be straightforward and say "I feel that I can't drive anymore" because he can't argue with how you feel. You seem to be okay with not having a car. He will adjust.

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Depending on the State, if one's vehicle is past a certain age, the vehicle no longer needs an emission test. This year our two 1996 Jeeps will be 25 years old so no more emissions testing.

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Save money, no insurance for the car. No more maintenance. If he is sensible this could be the best two reasons.

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When the time comes, I plan to lay out all the financial reasons; the fear of being without immediate transportation weighs heavily on him, though, Thanks for replying.

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Stop driving. He will get over it! He needs to know you are no longer willing to do the job! At 70 I will stop owning a car when this one wears out..transport in a city is readily available..I would tell him the next time the car needs repair or an oil change that the mechanic said its dead! Just let it be gone..Leave him home with a friend when you go.. take uber home..

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Yes, this scenario would work; the forum here provides various methods to ease into the change, so thanks for your contribution.

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Considering groceries and anything else you need can be purchased ONLINE...why do you need a car? If you are on Medicaid transportation to the doctor is covered in most states. The below suggestion getting a permanent ID card is essential before letting your Driver's License expire.

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Thanks for replying.

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When you give up driving, don't let your drivers license expire until you get a new identification card instead. My father in law 93 yrs quit driving didn't think he needed a drivers license let it expire. Didn't get the senior ID card before it expired. It was such a headache to get the ID card after the fact. Which he needed to go into the bank even though he had an account for 40 years & or to do any legal stuff. It could have all been done by mail or online, but since expired he had to go into DMV office. Just side note to remember, a person never knows when they may need a legal gov ID card at any age. He lives in California, USA.

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We use mom's passport for ID

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Keep the car since it's only worth $250 and don't drive it or Insure it, just park it and maybe just having one will make him feel better. In case of an emergency.
Then both you and your husband take Uber and other transportation until he gets use to it then eventually donate the car.

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Just having one settles his mind; I think it's because he worries with good cause about his health and being able to get to help as quickly as possible. Last March-April he needed the ER 4x and I drove each time, but two of those times were in the middle of the night 11-3 or so and I knew at that time I'd not be able to drive under those conditions ever again with him crying and moaning next to me. Thanks for replying and advising.

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Line up all the driving resources for all the situations you can think of: doctors appointments, groceries, emergencies, social visits... When he - and you - see all the options available, it will relieve fears of being stranded without a vehicle.

Next make a chart with costs of using alternative transportation versus owning a vehicle. Tally up total costs for a month for each mode of transportation and also do a tally for the year with at least 10% extra added for anything that might come up. When he - and you - see the costs, it should alleviate fears of creating a huge financial burden of NOT having a vehicle.

Thank God you are addressing this before you lose total vision. Since you are having trouble driving at night, please see an eye doctor. You may have cataracts that can be treated.

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Thanks for the scenario and the advice.

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I feel that if you give up driving you will regret losing your independence if you don’t really need to then I would suggest you keep driving as long as your health allows you to

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Thanks for your reply; I've considered the consequences and it helps to get another opinion.

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WOW. I think that you have described and explained perfectly why you want to quit driving.
Add to that what you will save on insurance.
Why "must" you have to have a car?
In an emergency you have 911 and in an emergency you would not want to drive anyway.
And you can get Uber or Lyft anytime anyway.
Any other transportation can be arranged in advance.
I suppose the only time when you might not be able to use Uber, Lyft or public transportation would be after a medical procedure where you would be sedated. They will not let you take transportation with a cab, Uber or other method where the driver is "unknown" But many Hospitals will transport or Senior Center Volunteers might be able to provide transport since they are "cleared and background checked" but that would be something that you would have to check. And since a procedure like that is arranged I am sure you have friends or relative that can transport.
If he is truly hesitant to give up the vehicle. Make a deal.
Use alternate transportation for 6 months. If the car is not used for 6 months then it can be given up without fear.

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Grandma 1954 has provided some excellent points here. However, some years ago when I had scheduled a colonoscopy, it was very difficult to get a ride to the clinic which was about 15 miles away because everybody I knew was at work. I finally convinced a coworker to take the time to take me to and from the clinic. During an earlier time, I drove to it myself, but then had arranged for two coworkers to come in one car, with one driving my own car back for me. After oral surgery one time (32 years ago!), I was allowed to take a taxi to the clinic but had arranged for a coworker to pick me up to take me home--telling the staff at the clinic that someone would be arriving to give me a ride home; this involved only a few miles, and it meant the person giving me the ride home missed much less time from work.

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Dear Pronker,
I write from the patients perspective. I was diagnosed in Mid APril of 21 with Moderate to Severe Stage of ALZ. I was first diagnosed 5 yrs ago with Early Onsset. I stopped driving of my own volition in March 2020. Yes, I have put a lot of the burden on my DW and Adult Children. I just decided one day last March it was time to hand over the keys. My Neuro Dr. said I was her first patient to give up driving without being told they had to.
Yes, stopping driving has added a load on other family members, some of my friends have offered rides when my DW was still working. Never once have I said to anyone, I want to drive again. I just know the time was right to stop. My family is happy to taken me where I need to go. They no I am safe.
I recommend to all patients when they are diagnosed to have the driving conversation going on from the time of diagnosis. I did that with my family, and I have also had conversations about when it becomes time to admit me to Memory Care, and what my wishes are as far as medical treatment is concerned. Do please arrange for your DPOA's for Medical and Financial affairs. The family will have a lot less on their plate if these issues are discussed and the legal and medical questions have been answered. I hope this is helpful.

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Excellent suggestions, John, as you always offer!

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I would tell him "I am sorry but I can't drive anymore" and state your reasons. Turn in your license and get a real ID at the DMV. It is valid ID for people who don't drive. This will end the issue of you having to drive. If the car is in both your names remove the battery as someone suggested. If he keeps bringing the subject up, just keep saying the stress was too much to keep driving. Good luck.

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That's a good idea re the valid ID. The car is in my name only and is now returned from the shop, but I'm sure that something can be worked out with a little warning to him. He values his license though he doesn't drive and carries about 30 cards in the wallet, not including the bank card, because they are for various clubs and so forth; it's important to him to have ID with 'his name' on it so I think he'd like a valid ID, too. Thanks for the well wishes.

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Honey, I can't drive anymore.

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Thanks for the reply - the succinct answer may just work! :)

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CM

In my State we pay for registration. If you do not register your car a police officer can give you a ticket for an unregistered vehicle. You have a certain length of time to register it. To get around it, you need to garage it. Get it out of site or its considered junk. In my brothers State, NC, they pay a tax on each care they own. So not sure how that works when you aren't driving one of the cars.

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The Non-Operational registration is possible here. I neglected to post about it not passing its smog test, so that's another problem with the vehicle.

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PS Forgot to say - how very sensible of you! Good and timely decision.

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Thank you.

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In the UK we have a type of annual licence called a SORN - Statutory Off Road Notification. It's the form you fill in if you're keeping a vehicle but will not be taking it out, so you don't have to pay road tax or get it inspected for roadworthiness. Do you have anything like that? If the car's only worth $250 (so depreciation isn't really a problem) and you can avoid maintenance costs, you could just disable it* and keep it for DH to polish and pamper as a hobby if he enjoys that kind of thing.

Then you needn't discuss it at all for the time being.

*Take the battery out and store it separately, e.g.

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Yes, the Non-Operating option is available for registration and would be the thing if I planned to keep the car "for show" or any other reason; also available in my state is the $1500 offer to get rid of old polluters on the road program, which takes about 2 months to happen. I've got all the paperwork for it and oh boy, those funds would go a long way to paying Uber/Lyft!

Spouse just wants to go 2x weekly on outings. He's always left the upkeep of any vehicle to me.

Good advice about the battery because yanking the distributor wires is dicey for a non-mechanic such as myself.

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What are you afraid might happen if you simply say " I'm not going to be driving any more"?

Or if you DIDN'T announce it and simply started ordering Lyfts instead?

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I believe that statement to be an ultimatum and wish instead to have as peaceful a transition as possible to new car-free times. This forum is an excellent place to solicit positive methods of communication.

I've been driving since age 11 so it's also a transition for me. Considering that the shop just now called with the news that the car is ready for pickup, I'm leading by example by using Uber/Lyft tomorrow to make my way to the repair shop. We shall see what happens in future regarding leaving my driving career in my rear view mirror, ha.

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They didn't have cars in Medieval times. It can be done

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Tee hee, very true! Considering life in medieval times, I'd likely be long in the ground and I'm not /quite/ ready yet for that although my bags have been long packed. :)

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Billions around the world survive without owning a car, most in areas with far less transportation infrastructure than you have access to.

Good job being so proactive!

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Thanks for the reply - the car is part of our society and at this stage of the game, it's become a headache which I do not need since the options are many.

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How to tell spouse I am quitting driving?

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