Dementia and violent behavior as well as lying. How to protect oneself from police believing lies?

My mother in law attacked me when I was locking the front door, hit me several times with her cane. I pushed her away to protect myself and stop the attack. I was injured and have peemanent damage to my writing hand now. $1500 ER visit.

My husband flipped out when I went upstairs to get him to help get his mother up off the floor. She was combative and told me not to touch her, so I respected that. My husband was angry with me, blamed me, and used the incident to file for a divorce and have me court ordered out of the home...his mother’s house...without financial support.

I was treated as if I had done something wrong. I was attacked from behind with a weapon! Jeeze! I think my response was quite restrained. But she milked it for all it was worth. But I was fortunate in that our next door neighbor, my best friend, was aware of these problems. She helped me get home ftom the hospital, gave me a place to stay for the first night, and supported me filing a police report for the assault and having pictures taken. The injuries were NOT MINOR. I had ligament damage and the arm had to be splinted. I could not write or use the hand for two weeks.

My husband had to come to terms with a new reality...that his mother was also mentally ill and violent without warning. She tried to hit him and threatened him with her cane on several occasions for him to see, yes, it WAS HER, not me. We saved our marriage but we seperated for several months, and I returned with the understanding that I was not going to have primary caregiving or unsupervised contact with her anymore...i refused to leave myself open to that accusation ever again.

Check online--there are documented cases of professional guardians taking elders out of their homes and disposing of their belongings, and putting them in facilities that they have connections with. There was a recent article in New Yorker magazine on an abuse in Arizona. Really scary. Hopefully not common, but ??

My mother in law was intentionally trying to drive me out of “her house”. It was her house...but she had invited us, (her son and I) to care fir her in her home. She would get a burr under her blanket and call the police on me to try to get me removed. I would show them my co-guardian paperwork from the judge, asked the officer to call her doctor or my attorney. I had my own children on speed dial in case I needed to ask for bail...
I was attacked twice, and I have permanent damage to my right hand because of being struck across the back of my hand with her cane. Both times I CALLED the police to ensure HER ACTIONS were documented and I made her estate pay my medical bills. My husband thought his sweet mother was not capable of these behaviors, blamed me for doing something wrong...until the police officer was nearly assaulted while I was barricaded in my bedroom while my husband was at work.
The police talked to my husband and told him his mother WAS VIOLENT with caregivers other than him.
For about 18 months, I was an indirect caregiver. I refused all unsupervised contact with my MIL,and I refused to handle her medications. Then I could not be accused of maltreatment.

My husband was upset and put out, and we nearly divorced over his mother. She finally mellowed and her antipathy toward women in her home subsided; it was evidently rooted in her own insecurities and having a female family member lure her husband into an affair. In her mind, my husband was HER HUSBAND, sometimes...and I was the “intruder”.

Document, document, document...file police reports. And at some point, if it gets bad enough, be prepared to walk away, and let others discover the problem independently. Critics get silenced quickly when the problem becomes THEIRS. 

Dad is on file "Dementia Alert" with our local police after he was found wandering at night with no shoes on.
I record everything on my iPhone. I document happy moments, singing and laughing as well as the moments of confusion and anger.
I feel for you, he told people we stole his money! Hang in there.

We installed audio/video recording equipment, some visible, some hidden...with real time feed to our Iphones on demand. We could monitor caregivers activities and know what they actually were doing. We caught a few things...including a surprise inspection withouta warrant by APS

My dad had this problem with my mom. The sheriff called me and wanted to know what’s up? And that’s what precipitated the family to first have my mother evaluated at a mental health facility and then moving my mother to an AL home. My mother and dad are right now spending the afternoon like two kids courting in that nice AL. My mom needed some medication for her depression and for her moderate dementia. In one month she’s gone from a homicidal manic to a lamb. Until sundown she’ll be her old self with my dad. He’ll head home before it gets dark. They’ve been married 66 years.

My mother was diagnosed with denentia & a brain injury from a car accident, were the air bag caused bleading of the brain. Mom would get aggresive an mean, but l don't remember her being any different, when l was a kid, so it seemed pretty easy to get past that behavio, she didn't like me ehen l was kid, so all l had to do was take care of her...it seemed to work. l have to say though, after 4yrs, l think all the negative talk about me, sunk into my spirit. l still struggle with it today,so be aware. l thought it didn't bother me, her abusive talk an dislike for me, as she would say your no daughter of mine, you are not my kind of people. She never knew me as her kid, she said l was nothing more than the hired help, an over paid at that. But she said l could stay, as she liked my cooking. I gave my all for over 4yrs. an at the end of life mom said l was her best friend an she loved me an wanted to go were ever l go. l told her the same, she was my best friend and l loved her an would take care of her forever an walk her to heavens door, an did. All l am saying is that l didn't realize the damage that it did to me. Consequently, l still struggle with depression. So l hope you all are aware of the things that can go wrong as an ONLY caregiver. I never had down time, mom never slept, aways working, never peaceful. So as Caregivers, l hope you all understand the importance of doing a difficult job as a Caregiver and take care of yourself, an no the importance of that. If this helps any of you trying to be an only caregiver, l will be blessed.💝

As a physician, I can't tell you how helpful it is to have short videos of typical behavior (I'm rehab, usually gait patterns or using equipment they can't bring in rather than acting out) when patients won't display it in clinic. Some docs don't welcome this and won't watch cell phone videos, so you might want to ask first, but I'll tell you I don't ever refuse. If a picture is worth a thousand words, a video is worth a million or two.

Cameras and recording items, even your phone, are very important and helpful when needed. Especially, when trying to convince the doctors of what you are saying is true. YES, they are on their best behavior with them. I think everyone should have this service we do--Our sheriff's dept. has a bracelet /gps tracking device, free, and a program that does - check-up calls daily on elderly/disabled/sick/living alone. They have a 100% recovery rate of finding those that get lost. They should also have on record a document, preferably from the doctor, that the person has dementia, Alzheimers', or other mental conditions that does or can include violence. This is for your protection as much as the patients. I knew a lady with Alz. that called 911 regularly saying there was a strange man in her house (husband). The police were able to detect quickly she was sick. BUT, some patients are GREAT actors, and fairly new cops are a little in-experienced as to how to recognize a mental illness. These are all good tips above. I learned the hard way, I trusted everyone and didn't cover my own "b", never thought I'd need to. But the demons in the sick one, and family come out in this field. Wish u well.

The police were very professional and assured me that they did not believe anything my husband was saying. His behavior said it all They recommended medical transport which he did He got the medical attention he needed.

When my cousin was reported for abuse because she didn't hear my uncle calling her all night when he fell.... She put him in assistant living right away. I have a messed up family and a spiteful brother who has a wife that I don't get along with and the last time my mother was in the hospital for something that could not be my fault in anyway, my brother was investigation like a detective to try to make it my fault!!! The doctor kept reassuring me that it wasn't my fault and I told him, "I know, why do you keep telling me this?" He told me my brother brother was very suspicious of me and I told him I think my brother is trying to make his evil wife happy anyway he can. I take very good care of my mother. But I think the doctor was trying to warn me so I told my brother off and told him I will refuse to take care of my mother and never do this again because I will put her in assistant living and say goodbye all her money. He shut up real fast. FAMILY!!!!!

I bought a Nest system...you can by one camera for about 200.00 I got 1 then loved the ease and control so much bought a 3 pack at a discounted price. The beauty of these devices is they are auto/visual. They have a cloud package that will allow you to retrieve any activity you recorded and save as a file. Listen, I'm not a spokes person for this brand there are others like it but holy moly, I believe this is a necessity for caregiving. I have motion and noise alerts sent to my phone. I can talk to her and her me (hands free). I was able to show my husband what she says and does to me...without any question. I do tell everyone that comes in, the home is under video surveillance. I would prefer to deter a situation rather then have to deal with it..."legally". The only thing you need is WIFI in the home. I thought WIFI was going to be expensive but the triple package price for phone, cable and internet (in my area) is actually cheaper (even after the promo is over) then phone and cable alone. good luck!!

It took several calls for our police dept to get a clue. Luckily, I would retreat to a room and wait for the police officer to come help me, because I was calling 911 too!

If cops actually approach you just tell them the truth and present any documentation that you may have from the doctor. There's really not much you can do to prevent someone with dementia from coming up with some false or even wild ideas or acting on whatever is going through their minds. There's really not much you can do to prevent that, all you can do is just tell the truth and tell them what's really going on and mention the venture and what's going on as a result of it. You can even give them the phone number to the doctors office and see if the patient's guardian will sign a release form allowing cops to speak to the patient's doctor to prove you're telling the truth. Someone in this stage of dementia needs a guardian even well before this particular stage develops

Hang in there, you are not alone. A narcissist is very good at doing whatever it takes to look like they care about you when being a narcissist is Just about them being that center of attention and making you look like a fool, liar, theif and etc. Try to stay calm when around them because that's their strategy to upset you. And trust your gut instinct and who you are that they are incapable of showing love or feeling it. Don't beat yourself up over it. It's not you, YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH! Trust that someone will see it to and they will slip up or even treat them that way to. Trust you are not the only one they have treated that way or has noticed the signs of a narcissist. May God protect you from their evil ways. Amen

Thank you, OhReally51 for stating what needs to be learned by many: just because you haven't experienced something, doesn't mean it cannot happen. As those of us with an abusive/narcissistic parent knows, the way the scapegoat child is treated is completely different from the way the parent treats those who feed their ego and don't do the caretaking. With others, they can be wonderful, warm and caring - which is especially painful to us, as we deserve that treatment but get the opposite.

I appreciate the answers. My ex husband has threatened me many times. He hated me thinking I was responsible for his situation. He returned to Heroin use making drug deals in his demented state. I had to divorce him because I was very afraid of being held responsible for his behavior. When the paramedics were called he had a series of hospitalizations. Finally he got somewhat helped in a nursing home. He had to be transferred to a Dementia facility. It is in this facility that he is finally a bit stabilized through medication. Because of his extremely violent behavior he was accepted at one facility. Life goes on and I continue to feel guilty when he wants to go home. It is the most challenging situation I have ever been in and I see no easy answers. He has few friends and no family who wants to be involved. I know he can convince people he is normal. He is in the process of trying to find a lawyer to get him out of the facility. Because he has vascular dementia he seems rational at times. However his decision making is not based on reality. Thank everyone who has posted. I don't feel so alone.

Wow, just looked at some of this recently and I really am astounded at how nasty some people get when they do not actually know the others here. Granted sometimes people seem just plain crazy and that's the internet for you. But I assume that we are all here for helpful -H-E-L-P-F-U-L - input. Not just here but on another post a woman who asked a question seemed to be judged, convicted and hung when others assumed she was doing something illegal. Or others just cannot relate because a similar thing never actually happened to them. Other people are not US, so while we may not 'get it' we are here to try to help and empathize. It is not necessary that we have actually been in their shoes to try to really help and not judge. Having a truly evil mother, I know how dangerous a person like her can be. People throw around the word narcissist all over the place, but really, though some folks have narcissistic qualities, most people are not truly narcissists. Those who are border on being criminal in some of their behavior and there is an evil thing that comes from deep inside of them. So if you have not had a person like this in your life, do not assume someone else couldn't possibly either and then jump all over them when they are struggling for answers. A narcissist who now has dementia is a dangerous entity potentially when it comes to reporting flat out lies that can get a well meaning caregiver in trouble. It took me most of my life to get that my mother does NOT and never did love me; she uses people for narcissistic supply and I am the one who doesn't give her anything but a vacuum so she wants to ruin me. I stay far away geographically from her. I have to. But if she needed to be cared for, kept warm and dry, etc. I would see that she was. I would never, though, go through the mental gyrations of 'well, after all, she IS my MOTHER' and then fall for the fantasy of what having had a real mother is like. That is a boomerang that could hit me right in the face. So if this is what you are dealing with, truly, toughen up, don't be so hard on yourself and do NOT put yourself in a position of danger by being falsely accused by a vindictive crazy person.

From personal experience I can tell you that you can NOT depend on the police or even senior services to understand, particularly if they are young (under 40). Your best protection is to be as open and honest with everyone about her behavior and having people come around as much as you can for you sanity and as witnesses to her behavior.

Often the worst cases of dementia are people who have Borderline Personality Disorder. As family members usually say, they have always been like this, theya re just worse now.

Wrong again Pam. Don't know who shakingdustoff is. Back on the booze? Is that your answer to everything?
I suppose if you can't stay on topic, talk about booze. Are you liquored up now, because your responses become more and more about BS, just rattling. Sad.

Response to LearningCurve. Your answer was welcome and much needed. It amazes me how many closed minded and hostile readers have attacked me on an issue that obviously none of them ever experienced or even think it is possible to be in such a situation. With such vicious attacks not only to me but also my family, I truly wonder how compassionate they could be serving as a caregiver. Thank you again LearningCurve, this forum needs more people like you. God Bless. Kindness and understanding is what we all need.

My very narcissistic mother would certainly be a person who would want to create drama - including calling the police or whatever it took - if she felt she was not being thoroughly accommodated. Which is why I live 1200 miles away from her and never will be alone with her. I have, Thank God, four siblings who are willing to serve themselves up (very dysfunctional family) but although I would make sure she had the proper care and was warm and dry, I will NEVER be alone with her.

I think your advice was helpful, LearningCurve. It is no laughing matter when you are accused of things that you have not done. When you can lose your livelyhood, it is pretty darn scary. I concur about the pendulum

Please folks. Lets not get nasty here. I for one have had personal experience with the original topic and have suffered the injustice myself.
Caregivers have little or no protections in regards to the law, whereas elders often suffering from dementia/delusions are now protected greatly at the expense of the caregivers.
When the laws to protect the elderly were enacted the intent was admirable but now the pendulum has swung drastically the other way and well intentioned caregivers are being crucified for doing right by our parents.
Those of us who have not been under attack do not or will not understand the betrayal and injustice some of us have suffered.
I have recently changed my mother's residence and have seen a 180^ change in her demeanor and attitude without any medication changes. She is being nice to me for the first time in 16 years. I offer this as proof of what I have stated in regards to undue influence from psychologically poisoned environments. Corporate greed is real and we should all be aware of it.
I do not know how to better explain this in hopes of enlightenment.

MG, it's not you we're talking about! Destroyed's style has a familiar ring to it, that's all. Relax.

awful... just awful

no wonder I don't venture far.... when did life and death turn into a pissing contest

《《《《Group hug》》》》

Momsgirl.....Yes, you definitely misinterpreted Pams remark. No need to go into detail, but nothing said had anything to do with you. I tells it like I sees it, and know back round that you don't. Misunderstandings that are addressed before understanding should be apologized for, imho. But No one has any problem with you. Geezaloo....Us caregivers , me totally included, can be too sensitive at times. Of course that makes sense due to the stress we are all under. I propose a group hug! (((((((((((((((( true caregivers)))))))))))))))))))!!!

Destroyed, I knew I needed a good reason to "Unsubscribe from this question"... thank you for bringing it to light.

I'm sorry, I am so stupid, I finally got it! Yes! destroyed is the same person as shakingdustoff. Yup it's the "demenita" or "denetia" stuff kicking up!!!
Well I hope she/he feels better soon. I'll be glad to share my SNRI's.
This just proves that caregiving can be a black hole sometimes. wow.