How to explain to police that woman with dementia is violent (biting, wielding knives, etc.) and tells lies about being abused. The abuse is actually from her. False arrests.
Goodness gracious! Pam, "destroyed" surely has it in for you! Country Mouse, s/he's working up a hate for you now, too. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I hope no one is hurt by destroyed's invective. Bless our forum-mates for trying so hard to be kind and tactful on the off-chance that "destroyed" may be a real suffering person.
Oh, no - probably all of us have posted at least once something that wasn't our best "advice" - but no one should take it on themselves to be the recording angel and print them out or save them to hold them against us later! Eek!
I have been helped both by the posters who agree with me AND probably even more by the ones with a contrasting viewpoint - I believe you should always try to see it from the other point of view, because that way you always learn something.
Freqflyer, no one is slamming anyone. Where are you coming from? What slamming are you talking about? What is "slamming" anyway? I am voicing my opinion, you are judging. If you don't like what I say, you need to skip over it and move on. your advice!
Dear Pam I am so sorry to learn of your denetia. i would never have guessed. Have a glass of wine on me (or two if it helps your anger)
Country Mouse so there really is a village idiot. Up by the Welsh border is that where they hide. Goodness me we certainly learn something new every day about other posters. Hugs to you both, I know you can't help it. Gin and tonic for you CM?
Veronica and CM: Cheers! Gin & Tonic is an excellent anti-inflammatory. The drink was invented by British soldiers trying to mask the bitter taste of quinine that they took to ward off Malaria. Don't forget the Lime.
All the answers that people gave are good ones. My problem is that sis has POA and won't let mom have any psy drugs or evaluations from any neurologist or geriatric psychiatrist. Sis the POA says they are above having depression or any psy problem. Fortunately Mom is in a NH. As for answers for you, I don't have any except if she is violent, she should be in a NH and be taking meds to calm her down.
I'm sorry, I am so stupid, I finally got it! Yes! destroyed is the same person as shakingdustoff. Yup it's the "demenita" or "denetia" stuff kicking up!!! Well I hope she/he feels better soon. I'll be glad to share my SNRI's. This just proves that caregiving can be a black hole sometimes. wow.
Momsgirl.....Yes, you definitely misinterpreted Pams remark. No need to go into detail, but nothing said had anything to do with you. I tells it like I sees it, and know back round that you don't. Misunderstandings that are addressed before understanding should be apologized for, imho. But No one has any problem with you. Geezaloo....Us caregivers , me totally included, can be too sensitive at times. Of course that makes sense due to the stress we are all under. I propose a group hug! (((((((((((((((( true caregivers)))))))))))))))))))!!!
Please folks. Lets not get nasty here. I for one have had personal experience with the original topic and have suffered the injustice myself. Caregivers have little or no protections in regards to the law, whereas elders often suffering from dementia/delusions are now protected greatly at the expense of the caregivers. When the laws to protect the elderly were enacted the intent was admirable but now the pendulum has swung drastically the other way and well intentioned caregivers are being crucified for doing right by our parents. Those of us who have not been under attack do not or will not understand the betrayal and injustice some of us have suffered. I have recently changed my mother's residence and have seen a 180^ change in her demeanor and attitude without any medication changes. She is being nice to me for the first time in 16 years. I offer this as proof of what I have stated in regards to undue influence from psychologically poisoned environments. Corporate greed is real and we should all be aware of it. I do not know how to better explain this in hopes of enlightenment.
I think your advice was helpful, LearningCurve. It is no laughing matter when you are accused of things that you have not done. When you can lose your livelyhood, it is pretty darn scary. I concur about the pendulum
My very narcissistic mother would certainly be a person who would want to create drama - including calling the police or whatever it took - if she felt she was not being thoroughly accommodated. Which is why I live 1200 miles away from her and never will be alone with her. I have, Thank God, four siblings who are willing to serve themselves up (very dysfunctional family) but although I would make sure she had the proper care and was warm and dry, I will NEVER be alone with her.
Response to LearningCurve. Your answer was welcome and much needed. It amazes me how many closed minded and hostile readers have attacked me on an issue that obviously none of them ever experienced or even think it is possible to be in such a situation. With such vicious attacks not only to me but also my family, I truly wonder how compassionate they could be serving as a caregiver. Thank you again LearningCurve, this forum needs more people like you. God Bless. Kindness and understanding is what we all need.
Wrong again Pam. Don't know who shakingdustoff is. Back on the booze? Is that your answer to everything? I suppose if you can't stay on topic, talk about booze. Are you liquored up now, because your responses become more and more about BS, just rattling. Sad.
From personal experience I can tell you that you can NOT depend on the police or even senior services to understand, particularly if they are young (under 40). Your best protection is to be as open and honest with everyone about her behavior and having people come around as much as you can for you sanity and as witnesses to her behavior.
Often the worst cases of dementia are people who have Borderline Personality Disorder. As family members usually say, they have always been like this, theya re just worse now.
Wow, just looked at some of this recently and I really am astounded at how nasty some people get when they do not actually know the others here. Granted sometimes people seem just plain crazy and that's the internet for you. But I assume that we are all here for helpful -H-E-L-P-F-U-L - input. Not just here but on another post a woman who asked a question seemed to be judged, convicted and hung when others assumed she was doing something illegal. Or others just cannot relate because a similar thing never actually happened to them. Other people are not US, so while we may not 'get it' we are here to try to help and empathize. It is not necessary that we have actually been in their shoes to try to really help and not judge. Having a truly evil mother, I know how dangerous a person like her can be. People throw around the word narcissist all over the place, but really, though some folks have narcissistic qualities, most people are not truly narcissists. Those who are border on being criminal in some of their behavior and there is an evil thing that comes from deep inside of them. So if you have not had a person like this in your life, do not assume someone else couldn't possibly either and then jump all over them when they are struggling for answers. A narcissist who now has dementia is a dangerous entity potentially when it comes to reporting flat out lies that can get a well meaning caregiver in trouble. It took me most of my life to get that my mother does NOT and never did love me; she uses people for narcissistic supply and I am the one who doesn't give her anything but a vacuum so she wants to ruin me. I stay far away geographically from her. I have to. But if she needed to be cared for, kept warm and dry, etc. I would see that she was. I would never, though, go through the mental gyrations of 'well, after all, she IS my MOTHER' and then fall for the fantasy of what having had a real mother is like. That is a boomerang that could hit me right in the face. So if this is what you are dealing with, truly, toughen up, don't be so hard on yourself and do NOT put yourself in a position of danger by being falsely accused by a vindictive crazy person.
I appreciate the answers. My ex husband has threatened me many times. He hated me thinking I was responsible for his situation. He returned to Heroin use making drug deals in his demented state. I had to divorce him because I was very afraid of being held responsible for his behavior. When the paramedics were called he had a series of hospitalizations. Finally he got somewhat helped in a nursing home. He had to be transferred to a Dementia facility. It is in this facility that he is finally a bit stabilized through medication. Because of his extremely violent behavior he was accepted at one facility. Life goes on and I continue to feel guilty when he wants to go home. It is the most challenging situation I have ever been in and I see no easy answers. He has few friends and no family who wants to be involved. I know he can convince people he is normal. He is in the process of trying to find a lawyer to get him out of the facility. Because he has vascular dementia he seems rational at times. However his decision making is not based on reality. Thank everyone who has posted. I don't feel so alone.
Thank you, OhReally51 for stating what needs to be learned by many: just because you haven't experienced something, doesn't mean it cannot happen. As those of us with an abusive/narcissistic parent knows, the way the scapegoat child is treated is completely different from the way the parent treats those who feed their ego and don't do the caretaking. With others, they can be wonderful, warm and caring - which is especially painful to us, as we deserve that treatment but get the opposite.
Hang in there, you are not alone. A narcissist is very good at doing whatever it takes to look like they care about you when being a narcissist is Just about them being that center of attention and making you look like a fool, liar, theif and etc. Try to stay calm when around them because that's their strategy to upset you. And trust your gut instinct and who you are that they are incapable of showing love or feeling it. Don't beat yourself up over it. It's not you, YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH! Trust that someone will see it to and they will slip up or even treat them that way to. Trust you are not the only one they have treated that way or has noticed the signs of a narcissist. May God protect you from their evil ways. Amen
If cops actually approach you just tell them the truth and present any documentation that you may have from the doctor. There's really not much you can do to prevent someone with dementia from coming up with some false or even wild ideas or acting on whatever is going through their minds. There's really not much you can do to prevent that, all you can do is just tell the truth and tell them what's really going on and mention the venture and what's going on as a result of it. You can even give them the phone number to the doctors office and see if the patient's guardian will sign a release form allowing cops to speak to the patient's doctor to prove you're telling the truth. Someone in this stage of dementia needs a guardian even well before this particular stage develops
It took several calls for our police dept to get a clue. Luckily, I would retreat to a room and wait for the police officer to come help me, because I was calling 911 too!
I bought a Nest system...you can by one camera for about 200.00 I got 1 then loved the ease and control so much bought a 3 pack at a discounted price. The beauty of these devices is they are auto/visual. They have a cloud package that will allow you to retrieve any activity you recorded and save as a file. Listen, I'm not a spokes person for this brand there are others like it but holy moly, I believe this is a necessity for caregiving. I have motion and noise alerts sent to my phone. I can talk to her and her me (hands free). I was able to show my husband what she says and does to me...without any question. I do tell everyone that comes in, the home is under video surveillance. I would prefer to deter a situation rather then have to deal with it..."legally". The only thing you need is WIFI in the home. I thought WIFI was going to be expensive but the triple package price for phone, cable and internet (in my area) is actually cheaper (even after the promo is over) then phone and cable alone. good luck!!
I have been helped both by the posters who agree with me AND probably even more by the ones with a contrasting viewpoint - I believe you should always try to see it from the other point of view, because that way you always learn something.
Country Mouse so there really is a village idiot. Up by the Welsh border is that where they hide. Goodness me we certainly learn something new every day about other posters. Hugs to you both, I know you can't help it. Gin and tonic for you CM?
Well I hope she/he feels better soon. I'll be glad to share my SNRI's.
This just proves that caregiving can be a black hole sometimes. wow.
no wonder I don't venture far.... when did life and death turn into a pissing contest
Caregivers have little or no protections in regards to the law, whereas elders often suffering from dementia/delusions are now protected greatly at the expense of the caregivers.
When the laws to protect the elderly were enacted the intent was admirable but now the pendulum has swung drastically the other way and well intentioned caregivers are being crucified for doing right by our parents.
Those of us who have not been under attack do not or will not understand the betrayal and injustice some of us have suffered.
I have recently changed my mother's residence and have seen a 180^ change in her demeanor and attitude without any medication changes. She is being nice to me for the first time in 16 years. I offer this as proof of what I have stated in regards to undue influence from psychologically poisoned environments. Corporate greed is real and we should all be aware of it.
I do not know how to better explain this in hopes of enlightenment.
I suppose if you can't stay on topic, talk about booze. Are you liquored up now, because your responses become more and more about BS, just rattling. Sad.
Often the worst cases of dementia are people who have Borderline Personality Disorder. As family members usually say, they have always been like this, theya re just worse now.