How to deal with resentment because siblings are relying on you to do all the caregiving?

Please talk to them openly and tell them you can't do it by yourself anymore and you truly need their help now. Yes, you've done it for 20 years, but make it clear to them that you need their help. My mom only wants me to do things for her. I still enlist my sister and family to help. My mom piles on the guilt, but I had to learn to be strong and say, There's no reason someone other than me can't help. She piles on more guilt and I totally ignore the guilt and see the manipulation for what it is. Please talk openly to your family. Believe me that they're not thinking about it bc they've never had to -- YOU'VE been doing it all. And please please do what you can to take a vacation of at least far away so you can regain some balance.

I am so sorry for you. This seems so common.

I’m actually in same type situation and interested in others comments. At this point , for me, I have completely given up on help with my mom from my sister. From the beginning she hasn’t contributed in her care. I do have resentment and can’t see any type of sisterly relationship ever.

This is normal. Don't feel bad. My father is currently bedridden and I have a brother who does not help deal w his needs because of their past relationship (not a good one). What these siblings don't realize is that they are helping you out, just as much as they are helping their parent. It should be a no-brainer to help. right?

Unfortunately, it is not. Just know you are not alone. And I noticed you said that they used the excuse of not helping in the past, bc they felt it was not needed....well it is NOW, so tell them so - and explain to your mother that while you are glad that she trusts you, caregiving can lead to burn out. It sounds like you need a break.

I have taken care of my mother for the last 15 years. I have three siblings, two out of state and one three hours drive from me. So it’s always been just me and that’s always been how mom wanted it. At first it wasn’t all consuming but it became that way. She was living with me and the demands on my life were overwhelming. I had no life other than taking care of mom. She had three hospitalizations in a short period of time so I finally decided to move her to assisted living. She was furious but came to accept it. It’s no utopia but it’s better than what it was.

when patterns get ingrained, its really really difficult to get out of.
but, its worth getting out of despite the hard work!

You are very kind to care for your mom for 20 years, but you've trained your siblings and your mom to expect you to continue doing it. You've trained yourself also. It's a pattern of thinking that everyone's adopted, so now what?

Mom's health will continue to worsen. That's a given. By this time, if your siblings haven't caught on that you need more help, and if they aren't willing to provide it, it's not going to happen. The way to get over your disappointment in them is to stop expecting help from that quarter. Chop off the expectations and set your sights on another way of getting help. Move forward with that.

Then have a come-to-Jesus meeting with mom. (No point in including the sibs because they'll feel momentarily guilt under pressure, but after they've told you they'll help, they won't. They never do.) Tell mom that you're going to hire help and pay them with her money. Then she has a fit (manipulation, gotta pile on the guilt). Then you tell her that caregiving is exhausting and you wish to stay mentally healthy, so if she doesn't like it, that's too bad. Then hire people.

Better yet, find an assisted living facility for mom. She'll have activities and people to help her. You can be free and still care for your mom with all your heart, but you will no longer be her slave.

Elders who make no plans for their old age often feel overentitled. Your mom is one of those. It's wrong to expect an adult child to help them live "independently" when there is nothing independent about it. Twenty years. That's 7300 days and 7300 nights of responsibility for you. You didn't deserve that.

Whatever you do, don't take her into YOUR home "to make it easier." That's a sure disaster, and it's never easier. I hope your find help soon.

Has it occurred to you that instead of being resentful that your siblings aren't doing more, why are you not resentful that your mother expects everything to be done by you? You need to figure out how much you are willing and capable of doing but anything more your mother needs to figure out or pay for it to get done.

Here's my current mantra "They don't have to change. I can."

You have a lot of skill sets in managing a sick person. Take a good inventory of what's happening now. You sound burned out. Which is a given at this point. No need to bother with the siblings. "They don't have to change. I can." They aren't going to do squat. Oh well. You'll see 'em at the funeral. That'll be about as much as they can manage. Otherwise, time to get your ducks in a row. All paperwork done-POA, DPOA, will, any estate stuff. Do you use an elder lawyer? If not, time to find one. Protect your assests. Understand the laws in your state. Don't think your siblings won't try some pretty rotten stuff.
Placement for you mother may be a harsh reality. Are you ready for another 20+ years of this? Folks are living longer. If that is your choice, then have at the very least a weekly caregiver come in to help you.

OP,

i’m a black belt in karate. i’ll kick your siblings’ butts one day. so will karma.

i have some terrible, terrible family members. you have no idea.

OP, i wish you (and all of us here), a great life. find a way.

step 1: if possible, stay away from terrible people. they don’t change, they get worse. don’t trust them! document everything, if necessary. you might need the proof later.

step 2: build yourself a WONDERFUL life. you can do it. easier said than done, but YOU CAN DO IT. YOU MUST DO IT.

❤️❤️❤️
your friend,
bundle of joy

It is hard, my sister just disappeared a year ago. I was very angry at times, and sad for my mom, the hard part for me was always hoping, hoping this week she will call give me a little break. Once I got rid of the hope that she will just help even a little, and decided ok for now this is on me, then the anger subsided. A year later i have no anger, no resentments, and no feelings towards my sister. I'm just at peace. With the sister issues anyways. It's a start. 😂

I feel like alot families break apart after long term caregiving, it sucks weather it's from the stress, or honestly I think in my case the only thing we have had in common all these years is we have the same parents. So maybe family's go separate was because of the stress, or maybe there just isn't anything to hold them together anymore

I get why people have told you that you chose to be caregiver to your mom and resenting your siblings only hurts you. But, I do understand what you are feeling.
I did most of what my mom needed during her last years. What hurt me was I couldn't understand why my siblings didn't want to help more. My mom trusted me the most just like your mom and I understood that I was the logical choice. But she was a wonderful woman and mother. Why my siblings wouldn't want to help more.........well that irked me. Still does, 9 yrs. after her death.

I've forgiven my sibs cause, well, forgiveness is mostly for the person who is forgiving. Holding all that resentment inside was only hurting me. They didn't have a clue that I was mad and even if they did know it wouldn't have changed anything. I'll never see them in the same light again. Our relationships have changed since mom died. We rarely see each other or talk. But eventually ya gotta let bygones be bygones.

I quite understand why you have this resentment toward your siblings for not pitching in and helping you with mom’s care. Twenty years ago when you took on the task of being the sole caregiver for mom you were young and up to doing those tasks very easily. Now that you are 20 years older, your siblings need to understand that you need help. You should have a talk with your siblings and tell them that you are getting up in age and you need help with mom as her care is getting more challenging for you to do. Your siblings can do the simple tasks of grocery shopping, doing the laundry, cooking, etc. while you do the more technical tasks of paying the bills, taking mom to medical appointments, etc. You are indeed a good daughter and you deserve help from your siblings.

Hoping for the best for you.

Resentment. Relinguish. Trust.

Some very interesting words have been mentioned.

Resentment.. are you giving too much? Feeling weighed down & expecting others (siblings) to lighten your load. Why?
Expectations.
That family should help family?
Any other reasons?

Relinguish.. are you ready to let go of some tasks? Of letting others do some tasks, in their own way?

Trust.. your Mother trusts you. Only you. Is this fair? Reasonable?
Is this practical? Is this a hurdle Mother must learn to get over?

What about your trust? Do you really trust your siblings to help? Or will you want to oversee,
direct when & how they help?

Maybe your siblings are resentful?
Of being presumed (even if asked nicely) of being your backup service.

Lots to think about.

It’s hard. Literally the only thing I asked my sisters to do was to ask me how I was doing, how my family was doing, now that we have mom with us. (I asked nicely). They stopped talking to me instead. I cannot begin to explain them. I try very hard to use this experience to inform my own behavior towards others, to try to show them I care and am thinking of them. It doesn’t take long to send a text asking how someone is. The respite caregiver recommended a letter exercise from that book Men are from Mars, where you write a letter to the person who has hurt you and write a letter “from” them saying what you wish they would say. I haven’t done it yet, but I will because I think it will help. I wish you the best. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Set boundaries. Say “I am going on vacation these days and it will this much of moms money to have a caregiver do what I do. If you want to do it instead and save that money, you must tell me by this date.” Quit hoping they’ll do the right thing and tell them they can do the right thing or mom (they via their inheritance )can pay someone else to. Good luck.

Hi Daughter,

I'm a 6 year daughter caregiver so I understand.

Can one of your siblings be tasked with paying the bills?

Can a sibling be tasked with being in charge of meds?

I find both of these tasks to be a hassle. Like you I'm doing it all.

You created the situation by being the "Super Caregiver". 20 years is a long haul for anyone to be a caregiver, you have shown them how to treat you.

You cannot expect anyone to help you, you have set the stage for her caregiving and now you are still saying the same thing "I'll be the caregiver for her the rest of her life...I can do this".

This is of course a choice, you have chosen to do this. Nothing changes if nothing changes. If you want to see what they have to say call a family meeting, are you ready to relinquish some of the caregiving activities? You have dedicated your life to caring for mom. If you are not ready to relinquish some of this control, I would not fret over what you have chosen to do, just keep doing it.

I think it is a great mistake to expect others to want to do something simply because we have made a choice to do it.

I personally was an RN for my career. While I loved it, it had 5 weeks vacation, worked three 12 hour shifts per week, had 12 ill days and 12 personal/holiday days. With that it was a piece of cake to maintain a great attitude and love what I did. But it did teach me that I would never want to do hands on care for anyone 24/7, nor to be responsible for the care in that manner. Not only does it take over your life, cause great anxiety, require endless patience, but it removes you from being a daughter to being a caregiver. There is a great difference in the roles and they don't meld well.

I would be in the same camp with your siblings. The difference is that I would try to help you in some ways, perhaps with shopping bags of groceries, with a few home cooked meals per month, with some respite for some weeks. But I would at the same time make it very clear to you that I feel an elder who cannot care for him/herself belongs in some kind of care, or needs to provide his/her own caregivers, that I would not be taking on caregiving. I would own up that these are MY OWN limitations, and have nothing to do with your choices.

I am sorry you don't have more help and support, but I would not waste time thinking about that. Others don't change because we wish them to.
I hope that your mother, if she has any means at all, any assets, will recognize the care that you have given her out of your good heart for all this time by making it clear in any will or trust that you are the beneficiary of a large portion of any estate to a much larger extent than your siblings because of the care you have provided her. I truly hope she is cognizant of this care and has made provisions, but I find that seldom happens.

I am sorry. I recognize your good heart. I would vote for you if you are running for Sainthood, but it is a bad job description and I advise against it. You are clearly a giving and good hearted person. We don't all fit those specifications; I surely don't. And it appears your siblings don't either.

The other siblings dont help because you have been doing all the work . Resentment doesnt get you any where . Have you asked them to give you a weekend off ? I have found Once we have grown our relationships with siblings disintegrates . Some people stay close But not from what I have witnessed . In seeing My Chiropractor and taking care of My Mother , Brother and My Father - he said " From My Observation the caretaking falls on one Person . " So you are not alone .