My older sister has been living with and caring for our mom for the past 6 years. I live 5 hours away and don't visit nearly enough but work full time and have an elderly mother in law nearby who needs someone close (we don't live together). My own mother has advanced COPD, is 80 years old and weighs about 90 pounds. She has a history of psychiatric issues, which have only been exacerbated as she has grown older. She is mostly of sound mind, but her memory is going and she is incredibly manipulative and very very good at it. She always was manipulative but has reached "Jedi" status now. She won't consider even putting her name down for extended care and my sister is burnt out. I can't bear to see my mother destroy my sister. I have asked my mother to consider putting her name down in a facility closer to me so I can help with the care. Even then, there is at least a 6 month waiting list for a good place so it's not an immediate change. I am now "the evil mean child trying to kick an old lady out of her home and lock her away". I swear I'm not, I just want her to be in a good extended care home when the time comes, and it not be a crisis situation. I would also like to help. My mother has personal support workers come in for a half hour each day, she has terrorized most of them, afterwards she "can't remember it" and is all "sweetness and light" when asked about it. She won't allow a hired respite caregiver to come in to help. The long and short of it is, my sister is exhausted and my mom doesn't seem to care, even if you bring it up. Mom is mentally well enough that she isn't incompetent although her memory is a little rusty. What can we do? I would appreciate any suggestions. Mom doesn't have a lot of people around her, she's driven most people away.
Just so you know, in functional families, adult children say " no, I cant do that" to parents. All the time. Your sister needs support to be able to say that.
I am so grateful to people here for listening and being here. I appreciate it so much! It has taken such a load off my mind to know we're not alone in this!
Tell Mom she has no potions with sister going on vacation. But she can choose the option she wants.
Option 1. Go to Assisted Living for a 2 week vacation of her own.
Option 2. Someone will come in for 2 weeks and she can stay where she is.
If Mom does not make the choice then you can make it for her and I would opt for option 1.
She may discover she likes living in a facility where there are some people that will "cater" to her, where she can eat her meals in a "restaurant style" dining room or she can eat in her room.
Yeah she will not like it.
She will probably rant and rave.
She will probably say you are "trying to get rid of her" or you are "trying to kill her"
Let her rant and rave.
You probably did some of the same when she made you or your sister do things you did not want to do when you were kids.
And remind Mom this is not a "forever" move it is a vacation...1 or 2 weeks whatever your sister can manage.
And you make sure your sister takes that little vacation.
Your sister will pre-decease your mom if she doesn't have regular respite. Can you arrange respite for your sister, say, two weeks off? If mom won't let the respite workers come in, make sure they have orders to call 911 because mom is not safe at home alone.
Please have your sister call mom's doctor and ask for a referral to a social worker to start a plan for mom's care.