When my monster-in-law was in the NH, hubs wouldn't call and since she hated me I wouldn't call either. So for his sake, I wrote a letter once in a while. Its kind of like, create a storm and then wonder why is it is raining. If you are nice, people will be nice back, if you are mean, people will ignore you.
ccflorida, I think you've seen a lot of responses here, pro and con. The main thing brother needs to consider is how will he feel once a parent passes on? Will he feel guilt about never calling? But again, it will be his burden, his guilt or no guilt. For me, I was on the phone with my dad over 5 times a DAY, yes a day, for YEARS. Not counting weekly visits, meals, taking care of his home, etc. Then once his ALZ got bad, it didn't matter if I call or visit, he never remembers from one minute to the next if I did call or visit. I could sit and visit with him for hours, leave his room for 10 minutes, come back in and he say "well, hi there!' as if I had just come to visit...IF he remembers who I am. He doesn't have a clue if I call or visit, zero short term memory. But I do know the burden of taking those multiple calls, to discuss the SAME thing, SAME story over and over and over....it made me avoid the phone, check the caller ID often. Bottom line, you have a caring heart, bless you. But your brother will deal with his own consequences when a parent passes, all you can do is ask him and remind him of how he may feel when this does happen. Good luck.
I agree with the others.. there is no should, its his business, his attitude and his responsibility. Maybe, just maybe he feels upset esp if he was mummy's boy that he no longer has the parents he had as a child.. and now he gets what really can be identified with a brick wall at times. Its not yours to plan, worry get upset about.. My parents have 5 kids. only 2 of us keep regular contact with Ma, I had no contact while Pa was alive. I had become his victim of dementia, the evil one etc etc.. so best keep away, was the motto of the day. Now I do what I can for Ma and know by the time I put the key in the car door, she will have forgotten who I was and that I had visited. so save your energy for your own family, you never know when those contacts fail. and do for your parents as you will
I have to put my 2 cents in here. Everyone is busy, period. You make time for your parents because you know it is important to them. Sometimes husbands are closer to their wives family. If that is the case, the wife should encourage husband to call his parents. You will have a clear conscience and no regrets. I think you get to a point when you just have to say, it is his loss not mine.
If this question needs to be asked there is obviously already an issue. You should call your parents just to say hello, even if the conversation is the same, monotonous and they can't hear you. Ask me how I know. On the other hand I have only one brother who is "too busy, works, is going to church or the cemetery to put flowers on the dead father's grave" to call or visit his alive mother. Oh wait, I forgot he did come on Christmas Day for a total of one hour to see her at my house where mom spends all the holidays and celebrations, he couldn't wait to get out of there quick enough. Just stating the facts.
My take on this is a little different. My brother lives 1200 miles away and he was having very little contact with our parents (now aged 100 and 96), who live in an assisted living facility. He and I had a discussion on what he could do for ME from that distance, and I told him call our folks every week at an agreed-upon time. It gave me one day where I didn't have to contact them. But it also gave them bragging rights to their friends at the facility, because so many have no family contact at all. So he calls on Sunday afternoons each week, and they really look forward to it. So cc, maybe if you asked your brother to do this for YOU, he would be more responsive.
As an elder parent, I say don't call if you feel you 'have to'. Trust me, a parent knows the difference. I would rather have a call that's not hurried once a month than a quick check in once a week. People are busy now a days, but.
I disagree ferris1, I think decent people call because it is the right thing to do. Extremely selfish people only do it when they darn well feel like it and it makes THEM happy and to heck with caring towards anyone else.
There is no "should" calling. A son or daughter calls out of love, not out of "should". He will call when the spirit moves him and no one has a right to question when he calls.
Chicago 1954 They can hear on the phone. When he calls, it goes fine. Dad will say mostly the same things he said last time, which is he praises his son and says everything is great here and the weather is so wonderful he can't believe it, but he hopes we don't get a hurricane. And no matter when the call comes Dad says "your timing is perfect".
The worst time for me was when my kids were babies. I worked a 50-hour a week job with surprise unpaid overtime, had two kids under 3, one with ADHD and Asperger's, and I was supposed to sit on the phone while my mom prattled on about how difficult it was for her to have nothing to do and nobody paying attention to her. Right. She would call and call and call until I answered. She always acted hurt and miffed if I had to tend to a crying baby who was hungry, or pay attention to either of the kids instead of her because she is a narcissist and could not care less about . There were times when I just put the phone down on the table and went off to do what I had to. She never noticed. This expectation to pay attention to mom as if she was my third child was just too much stress.
I got to the point where if mom needed my phone call to be OK, then she needed to be in a care facility. My phone call was not going to make anything OK. It wasn't going to buy the groceries, throw out trash, or wash her clothes. The crushing expectation of it all added so much anxiety to my life.
Sandwich42plus, oh my gosh, welcome to the "the last thing I want to do is be on the phone to anyone after work" club. I am also a closet introvert with an extrovert's job. I even don't want to make doctor appointments for my parents or for myself. If the phone rings, I check the caller ID and 95% of the time I will ignore it, except for my ex-Mom-in-law, I will talk with her as she always makes me laugh.
Well, every 6 weeks is not enough, Reverend. But - my mother cannot hear. Do the parents have hearing problems? It is awful to try and talk to someone that can't hear. He could send cards (or even have someone send them.)
I lived 1800 miles away from my mom for almost 20 years. I could have been on the phone with her 24/7/365 and still gotten criticism from other family.
Maybe he hates talking on the phone and finds it awkward. Maybe he doesn't want to confront the elephant in the room - age and decline. I'm sure he has his reasons. Phone calls are not the only way to reach out. For those of us who are closet introverts with an extrovert's job, the LAST think I want to do is be on the phone to anyone after work.
Perhaps sending them a greeting card or post card would be a better option. Phone calls less often, when he can. You can get boxes of cards at the dollar store, and so what if they get the same one more than once? Put a date inside. Just write "I love you and think of you." It doesn't have to be an essay. Plus, cards are tangible while a phone call can be instantly forgotten.
Send balloons, flowers a couple times a year. There are all kinds of things that can be delivered these days to stay in touch with someone far away.
Aha! That explains your brother. I agree with jessebelle. Your biblical reference is I Timothy 5:8. I was going to say, shouldn't your brother be asking that question? You stay out of it, is my advice. I have never had any success attempting to confront or correct others on their accountability issues, so I learned not to.
txcamper I appreciated all your thoughts, believe me. You are right, and it applies in many ways. You addressed all the things I mentioned, and I appreciate it. I wasn't sure if I clicked "helpful answer" because it just says 2, and I forget if I was one of those, but I appreciated every answer I got here. I really thank you!
Well, upon further thought - I see all of y'alls points, and I think I'm wrong in my thinking. You are right. I guess I was just thinking out loud and I should have just left it in my head. I'm wishing you the best of Luck getting your brother to change his way of doing things. You've made your case, the rest is in his hands.
YES! My sister was not even calling weekly (from another western State), but I asked her to try to pay attention and do that, and she has done it. She sometimes calls while walking the dog. Seems like a great idea to me. Yea, with cell phones, and no one has to "watch their minutes" anymore, there should be 25 minutes in a week, even if during a walk of some kind. Mom used to call my brother a few years ago when she was able. Dad would call him every day if he thought he would answer the phone. I told my brother this. It got his attention, but no change in behavior. Nothing stays the same, so whatever will be will be. (I have no brother after this, that much I know.) I'm just sad for Mom and Dad, and they do realize, and their expectations are very low, so yes- I'm more ticked than they are. ok, I think I'm done. Thank you one and all.
ccflorida, I agree with you that your brother should call your parents once a week, and it is good that you told your brother that he should call weekly. Perhaps even every 10 days or so could be OK (about 3 times a month) if he did it consistently, but once a week would be ideal.
For crying out loud, calling a parent is NOT such a grandious sacrifice.....barring it was an abusive relationship. For a decent, imperfect, aged parent.... Call them, daily, even if briefly....have the same conversation.....say just wanted to check on you...make them feel like somebody will care if / when they were dead. If you have daily calls they will be one short. In the course of a day each of us has civil small talk with neighbors, colleagues or strangers we could care less about ....why would you deny the person who raised you the same? Barring some deep emotional issue not calling a parent is petty. I had no interest in calling mom when I was in college, but I have become less selfish since....frankly our conversations are just as boring. Most of us have cell phones and can even squeeze a call in during a grocery run, from the car, etc..
ccflorida I feel your pain. I grew up in a household like yours - not perfect, but my parents did OK by my brother and me. My mom and I live in IL and my bro is in CA. I have taken care of my dad and mom together for 9 years and now my mom (who's 95) for a total of 14 or 15 years. I do everything for her. My brother calls her once a week because I insisted on having a day off. I don't know how long they talk, but I would guess it's probably a couple of minutes.
I haven't gone anywhere for three years and haven't had a break from my mom for at least that long. I finally asked him to give me a week break, where he'd call her 2X a day, which he did. It was great for me to have a full seven days where I wasn't constantly thinking/calling/doing for my mom.
The fact that your brother is a pastor makes it 10X worse in my opinion. What a hypocrite! It would frost me too...but I've learned with my brother that being angry and bitter at my brother only hurt me - he couldn't care less. Once my mom goes, I'll have to decide what relationship we have (if any). My brother isn't a bad guy, he's just very self-centered.
I'm SURE you've figured out before this point in your life that men and women think differently. Many books have been written on this subject. Ha ha.
Brother may have a little bit of a stubborn streak so that the more you discuss this with him, the less likely he is to do it. Because then it would be your idea, not his.
Men don't always know how to handle the uncomfortable-ness that comes when their parents reach this stage. They are more hands on, not touchy-feely. This is a generalization, not a hard and fast rule of course.
Also I would like to say that time passes as different rates of speed for different people. Some people feel every minute of every day, where I'm always surprised when Friday arrives because it just seems like yesterday was Friday. Time passes very quickly for me.
I will throw this out, it would have driven my mother absolutely crazy if I'd called every day in years past. She would've felt like I was imposing on her, keeping tabs on what she was doing or something. I guess other mothers would have gotten their feelings hurt if their daughters didn't call every day. So there is no normal. It's just what feels comfortable for the parties involved.
Without your mentioning it to them, do your parents even know how often your brother calls? Do they recognize the passage of time? Do they lament that they haven't heard from him in a while? Can they call him when they want to?
I wouldn't put any blame on his job. We all have things ie jobs, hobbies, whatever, that we spend our time on. I suppose non-Christians could be frequent callers, so I'm not sure that his religious beliefs should come into play either. Honoring our parents can be played out in various ways, I'm not sure that God meant call once a week. Perhaps brother donates money in their names to a charity? Who knows, I don't.
Encourage your parents to call your brother and establish a phone relationship. He may reciprocate, once that relationship has been established.
I have six siblings and 4 of them call my mother once a year if we're lucky. She doesn't seem to care though, as long as somebody is around to take care of her day to day needs. Out of sight out of mind as far as my siblings and my Mom are concerned. It bothers me a lot more than it bothers Mom. Every situation is different.
Yes, lately it has occurred to me that now is a time when phone calls work well, and that won't be the case forever. As it is now,Dad repeats the same things, asks some of the same things- but is positive and affirming- and does keep track of many things. Mom is not able to talk on the phone much, but she is aware- and interested. I've held back nothing in my efforts with my brother- telling, asking, mentioning just one thing- weekly phone calls. I also mentioned the fifth commandment. He asked if I'm saying he doesn't know how to honor his father and mother, because he does. (Oh really? I'd like to know how you think you do that.) YOU CAN SEE how this has gone. But I was always curious as to what would be considered normal (call frequency), given normal family dynamics- not perfect, not bad, respectful and supportive- very good lives have been enjoyed. I do think it's his church environment that's to blame, but I'm surprised none of his Christian brothers have influenced him toward more accountability on this. I guess when you're the one and only pastor, you are alone in that role and accustomed to being right.
Maybe, just maybe he feels upset esp if he was mummy's boy that he no longer has the parents he had as a child.. and now he gets what really can be identified with a brick wall at times.
Its not yours to plan, worry get upset about.. My parents have 5 kids. only 2 of us keep regular contact with Ma, I had no contact while Pa was alive. I had become his victim of dementia, the evil one etc etc.. so best keep away, was the motto of the day. Now I do what I can for Ma and know by the time I put the key in the car door, she will have forgotten who I was and that I had visited.
so save your energy for your own family, you never know when those contacts fail. and do for your parents as you will
I got to the point where if mom needed my phone call to be OK, then she needed to be in a care facility. My phone call was not going to make anything OK. It wasn't going to buy the groceries, throw out trash, or wash her clothes. The crushing expectation of it all added so much anxiety to my life.
Maybe he hates talking on the phone and finds it awkward. Maybe he doesn't want to confront the elephant in the room - age and decline. I'm sure he has his reasons. Phone calls are not the only way to reach out. For those of us who are closet introverts with an extrovert's job, the LAST think I want to do is be on the phone to anyone after work.
Perhaps sending them a greeting card or post card would be a better option. Phone calls less often, when he can. You can get boxes of cards at the dollar store, and so what if they get the same one more than once? Put a date inside. Just write "I love you and think of you." It doesn't have to be an essay. Plus, cards are tangible while a phone call can be instantly forgotten.
Send balloons, flowers a couple times a year. There are all kinds of things that can be delivered these days to stay in touch with someone far away.
Oh dear, I cannot believe I said that, but I have not eaten yet.
I was going to say, shouldn't your brother be asking that question?
You stay out of it, is my advice. I have never had any success attempting to confront or correct others on their accountability issues, so I learned not to.
YES!
My sister was not even calling weekly (from another western State), but I asked her to try to pay attention and do that, and she has done it. She sometimes calls while walking the dog. Seems like a great idea to me. Yea, with cell phones, and no one has to "watch their minutes" anymore, there should be 25 minutes in a week, even if during a walk of some kind.
Mom used to call my brother a few years ago when she was able. Dad would call him every day if he thought he would answer the phone.
I told my brother this. It got his attention, but no change in behavior.
Nothing stays the same, so whatever will be will be.
(I have no brother after this, that much I know.) I'm just sad for Mom and Dad, and they do realize, and their expectations are very low, so yes- I'm more ticked than they are.
ok, I think I'm done.
Thank you one and all.
For a decent, imperfect, aged parent.... Call them, daily, even if briefly....have the same conversation.....say just wanted to check on you...make them feel like somebody will care if / when they were dead. If you have daily calls they will be one short.
In the course of a day each of us has civil small talk with neighbors, colleagues or strangers we could care less about ....why would you deny the person who raised you the same?
Barring some deep emotional issue not calling a parent is petty.
I had no interest in calling mom when I was in college, but I have become less selfish since....frankly our conversations are just as boring. Most of us have cell phones and can even squeeze a call in during a grocery run, from the car, etc..
I haven't gone anywhere for three years and haven't had a break from my mom for at least that long. I finally asked him to give me a week break, where he'd call her 2X a day, which he did. It was great for me to have a full seven days where I wasn't constantly thinking/calling/doing for my mom.
The fact that your brother is a pastor makes it 10X worse in my opinion. What a hypocrite! It would frost me too...but I've learned with my brother that being angry and bitter at my brother only hurt me - he couldn't care less. Once my mom goes, I'll have to decide what relationship we have (if any). My brother isn't a bad guy, he's just very self-centered.
Brother may have a little bit of a stubborn streak so that the more you discuss this with him, the less likely he is to do it. Because then it would be your idea, not his.
Men don't always know how to handle the uncomfortable-ness that comes when their parents reach this stage. They are more hands on, not touchy-feely. This is a generalization, not a hard and fast rule of course.
Also I would like to say that time passes as different rates of speed for different people. Some people feel every minute of every day, where I'm always surprised when Friday arrives because it just seems like yesterday was Friday. Time passes very quickly for me.
I will throw this out, it would have driven my mother absolutely crazy if I'd called every day in years past. She would've felt like I was imposing on her, keeping tabs on what she was doing or something. I guess other mothers would have gotten their feelings hurt if their daughters didn't call every day. So there is no normal. It's just what feels comfortable for the parties involved.
Without your mentioning it to them, do your parents even know how often your brother calls? Do they recognize the passage of time? Do they lament that they haven't heard from him in a while? Can they call him when they want to?
I wouldn't put any blame on his job. We all have things ie jobs, hobbies, whatever, that we spend our time on. I suppose non-Christians could be frequent callers, so I'm not sure that his religious beliefs should come into play either. Honoring our parents can be played out in various ways, I'm not sure that God meant call once a week. Perhaps brother donates money in their names to a charity? Who knows, I don't.
Encourage your parents to call your brother and establish a phone relationship. He may reciprocate, once that relationship has been established.