Whenever he wants to or feels he needs to. I would go for once a week, maybe on Sunday afternoon or sometime similar. They'll look forward to the time that way.
Lots of variables here. In some circumstances perhaps he shouldn't call at all. In others he might want (and Mom and Dad might like) a daily contact or even more.
Are they estranged? Do they have a close, loving relationship? Can the parents hear well and carry on a comfortable conversation on the phone?
Does he send notes and cards? Do the parents enjoy that as much as a call?
There is no "should" based on the little your said. Would you like to provide more background. For instance, why has this question come up?
There is no estrangement. They gave and were good parents. Now, when phone calls mean so much to them, I think he should call them weekly and I've told him so. He thinks he's doing fine by calling every six weeks or so.
ccflorida, you can tell your brother how your parents enjoy his calls and encourage him to call every week. It is what I did with my brothers. I know that their calls mean a lot to my mother. My brothers don't call every week, but when I send them a friendly message to remember to call, they do. Sons may not realize how much it means to parents to hear their voices and know they care. I don't press my brothers to call. I just let them know how much my mother enjoys hearing from them.
We've already had a stand-off over this, so I was just wanting to see what answers I would get to a general question. He has argued back to me. So I've let it go so I won't get angry and have the anger come out on someone else (as had been happening). He's busy with his family (wife, four grown kids, eight grandkids) and his work (Christian pastor, hospice clergy) (ha). Thank you for your input.
I say he should not call but save his pennies to get his butt on a bus and go see them for an extended time, in person! The wife can hold down the fort for 2 weeks.
As I had mentioned above, I need to call my parents once a day [if I don't see them to make a delivery] otherwise they would think I was kidnapped. If the phone calls were enjoyable I wouldn't mind, but mainly Dad and I will have long gaps of silence. And that is understandable as every day is Ground Hog day in my parents life, or Dad will start on a story I heard 100 times already about how he know someone is stealing their mail [no one is stealing their mail]. Thus, it also depends on the routine conversations if one calls daily or not.
If I call my parents house and my Mom answers, I will get a "hello".... Hi Mom.... "hello".... Mom it's FreqFlyer..... "hello, guess no one is there" and she hangs up. Mom is almost deaf and hearing aids don't help :(
If he is a pastor he is going against his own doctrine. It is written that the Christian who does not care for his own family is worse than a non-believer. Sometimes religious people see their church as their family, and your brother also has quite a large family where he is to tend to. Still a call every week or two wouldn't be too much for anyone, no matter how busy.
With my brothers I encourage, but I take the stance that their relationship with my mother is between her and them. We're not a close family, so I understand things. I also know they take good care of their wives, children, and grandchildren, so I cut them some slack in my mind. I do not have the pulls on my life that they have on theirs.
CC, I understand your frustration, but I also think you're right to let this one go. It's a pity that your brother doesn't grasp the point of contacting your parents more frequently - not to mention the advantage of getting into a routine while your parents are still able benefit from it - but if he doesn't, he doesn't and rack your brains as you might you will not find a way to change his mind. It is, as you've already understood, a hiding to nothing.
Actually. There is one thing: as your parents' faculties deteriorate, he is going to need to up the frequency. If he continues to leave six week gaps then there will come a point where they won't be able to enjoy his calls at all because they won't be part of their routine - they'll just be a disruption. Something for him to ponder, not for you to worry about.
Yes, lately it has occurred to me that now is a time when phone calls work well, and that won't be the case forever. As it is now,Dad repeats the same things, asks some of the same things- but is positive and affirming- and does keep track of many things. Mom is not able to talk on the phone much, but she is aware- and interested. I've held back nothing in my efforts with my brother- telling, asking, mentioning just one thing- weekly phone calls. I also mentioned the fifth commandment. He asked if I'm saying he doesn't know how to honor his father and mother, because he does. (Oh really? I'd like to know how you think you do that.) YOU CAN SEE how this has gone. But I was always curious as to what would be considered normal (call frequency), given normal family dynamics- not perfect, not bad, respectful and supportive- very good lives have been enjoyed. I do think it's his church environment that's to blame, but I'm surprised none of his Christian brothers have influenced him toward more accountability on this. I guess when you're the one and only pastor, you are alone in that role and accustomed to being right.
I have six siblings and 4 of them call my mother once a year if we're lucky. She doesn't seem to care though, as long as somebody is around to take care of her day to day needs. Out of sight out of mind as far as my siblings and my Mom are concerned. It bothers me a lot more than it bothers Mom. Every situation is different.
I'm SURE you've figured out before this point in your life that men and women think differently. Many books have been written on this subject. Ha ha.
Brother may have a little bit of a stubborn streak so that the more you discuss this with him, the less likely he is to do it. Because then it would be your idea, not his.
Men don't always know how to handle the uncomfortable-ness that comes when their parents reach this stage. They are more hands on, not touchy-feely. This is a generalization, not a hard and fast rule of course.
Also I would like to say that time passes as different rates of speed for different people. Some people feel every minute of every day, where I'm always surprised when Friday arrives because it just seems like yesterday was Friday. Time passes very quickly for me.
I will throw this out, it would have driven my mother absolutely crazy if I'd called every day in years past. She would've felt like I was imposing on her, keeping tabs on what she was doing or something. I guess other mothers would have gotten their feelings hurt if their daughters didn't call every day. So there is no normal. It's just what feels comfortable for the parties involved.
Without your mentioning it to them, do your parents even know how often your brother calls? Do they recognize the passage of time? Do they lament that they haven't heard from him in a while? Can they call him when they want to?
I wouldn't put any blame on his job. We all have things ie jobs, hobbies, whatever, that we spend our time on. I suppose non-Christians could be frequent callers, so I'm not sure that his religious beliefs should come into play either. Honoring our parents can be played out in various ways, I'm not sure that God meant call once a week. Perhaps brother donates money in their names to a charity? Who knows, I don't.
Encourage your parents to call your brother and establish a phone relationship. He may reciprocate, once that relationship has been established.
ccflorida I feel your pain. I grew up in a household like yours - not perfect, but my parents did OK by my brother and me. My mom and I live in IL and my bro is in CA. I have taken care of my dad and mom together for 9 years and now my mom (who's 95) for a total of 14 or 15 years. I do everything for her. My brother calls her once a week because I insisted on having a day off. I don't know how long they talk, but I would guess it's probably a couple of minutes.
I haven't gone anywhere for three years and haven't had a break from my mom for at least that long. I finally asked him to give me a week break, where he'd call her 2X a day, which he did. It was great for me to have a full seven days where I wasn't constantly thinking/calling/doing for my mom.
The fact that your brother is a pastor makes it 10X worse in my opinion. What a hypocrite! It would frost me too...but I've learned with my brother that being angry and bitter at my brother only hurt me - he couldn't care less. Once my mom goes, I'll have to decide what relationship we have (if any). My brother isn't a bad guy, he's just very self-centered.
For crying out loud, calling a parent is NOT such a grandious sacrifice.....barring it was an abusive relationship. For a decent, imperfect, aged parent.... Call them, daily, even if briefly....have the same conversation.....say just wanted to check on you...make them feel like somebody will care if / when they were dead. If you have daily calls they will be one short. In the course of a day each of us has civil small talk with neighbors, colleagues or strangers we could care less about ....why would you deny the person who raised you the same? Barring some deep emotional issue not calling a parent is petty. I had no interest in calling mom when I was in college, but I have become less selfish since....frankly our conversations are just as boring. Most of us have cell phones and can even squeeze a call in during a grocery run, from the car, etc..
ccflorida, I agree with you that your brother should call your parents once a week, and it is good that you told your brother that he should call weekly. Perhaps even every 10 days or so could be OK (about 3 times a month) if he did it consistently, but once a week would be ideal.
YES! My sister was not even calling weekly (from another western State), but I asked her to try to pay attention and do that, and she has done it. She sometimes calls while walking the dog. Seems like a great idea to me. Yea, with cell phones, and no one has to "watch their minutes" anymore, there should be 25 minutes in a week, even if during a walk of some kind. Mom used to call my brother a few years ago when she was able. Dad would call him every day if he thought he would answer the phone. I told my brother this. It got his attention, but no change in behavior. Nothing stays the same, so whatever will be will be. (I have no brother after this, that much I know.) I'm just sad for Mom and Dad, and they do realize, and their expectations are very low, so yes- I'm more ticked than they are. ok, I think I'm done. Thank you one and all.
Well, upon further thought - I see all of y'alls points, and I think I'm wrong in my thinking. You are right. I guess I was just thinking out loud and I should have just left it in my head. I'm wishing you the best of Luck getting your brother to change his way of doing things. You've made your case, the rest is in his hands.
txcamper I appreciated all your thoughts, believe me. You are right, and it applies in many ways. You addressed all the things I mentioned, and I appreciate it. I wasn't sure if I clicked "helpful answer" because it just says 2, and I forget if I was one of those, but I appreciated every answer I got here. I really thank you!
Aha! That explains your brother. I agree with jessebelle. Your biblical reference is I Timothy 5:8. I was going to say, shouldn't your brother be asking that question? You stay out of it, is my advice. I have never had any success attempting to confront or correct others on their accountability issues, so I learned not to.
I lived 1800 miles away from my mom for almost 20 years. I could have been on the phone with her 24/7/365 and still gotten criticism from other family.
Maybe he hates talking on the phone and finds it awkward. Maybe he doesn't want to confront the elephant in the room - age and decline. I'm sure he has his reasons. Phone calls are not the only way to reach out. For those of us who are closet introverts with an extrovert's job, the LAST think I want to do is be on the phone to anyone after work.
Perhaps sending them a greeting card or post card would be a better option. Phone calls less often, when he can. You can get boxes of cards at the dollar store, and so what if they get the same one more than once? Put a date inside. Just write "I love you and think of you." It doesn't have to be an essay. Plus, cards are tangible while a phone call can be instantly forgotten.
Send balloons, flowers a couple times a year. There are all kinds of things that can be delivered these days to stay in touch with someone far away.
Well, every 6 weeks is not enough, Reverend. But - my mother cannot hear. Do the parents have hearing problems? It is awful to try and talk to someone that can't hear. He could send cards (or even have someone send them.)
Sandwich42plus, oh my gosh, welcome to the "the last thing I want to do is be on the phone to anyone after work" club. I am also a closet introvert with an extrovert's job. I even don't want to make doctor appointments for my parents or for myself. If the phone rings, I check the caller ID and 95% of the time I will ignore it, except for my ex-Mom-in-law, I will talk with her as she always makes me laugh.
The worst time for me was when my kids were babies. I worked a 50-hour a week job with surprise unpaid overtime, had two kids under 3, one with ADHD and Asperger's, and I was supposed to sit on the phone while my mom prattled on about how difficult it was for her to have nothing to do and nobody paying attention to her. Right. She would call and call and call until I answered. She always acted hurt and miffed if I had to tend to a crying baby who was hungry, or pay attention to either of the kids instead of her because she is a narcissist and could not care less about . There were times when I just put the phone down on the table and went off to do what I had to. She never noticed. This expectation to pay attention to mom as if she was my third child was just too much stress.
I got to the point where if mom needed my phone call to be OK, then she needed to be in a care facility. My phone call was not going to make anything OK. It wasn't going to buy the groceries, throw out trash, or wash her clothes. The crushing expectation of it all added so much anxiety to my life.
Chicago 1954 They can hear on the phone. When he calls, it goes fine. Dad will say mostly the same things he said last time, which is he praises his son and says everything is great here and the weather is so wonderful he can't believe it, but he hopes we don't get a hurricane. And no matter when the call comes Dad says "your timing is perfect".
My parents, who are in their 90's, get anxious if I don't call them at least once a day and we live in the same town.
Lots of variables here. In some circumstances perhaps he shouldn't call at all. In others he might want (and Mom and Dad might like) a daily contact or even more.
Are they estranged? Do they have a close, loving relationship? Can the parents hear well and carry on a comfortable conversation on the phone?
Does he send notes and cards? Do the parents enjoy that as much as a call?
There is no "should" based on the little your said. Would you like to provide more background. For instance, why has this question come up?
If I call my parents house and my Mom answers, I will get a "hello".... Hi Mom.... "hello".... Mom it's FreqFlyer..... "hello, guess no one is there" and she hangs up. Mom is almost deaf and hearing aids don't help :(
With my brothers I encourage, but I take the stance that their relationship with my mother is between her and them. We're not a close family, so I understand things. I also know they take good care of their wives, children, and grandchildren, so I cut them some slack in my mind. I do not have the pulls on my life that they have on theirs.
Actually. There is one thing: as your parents' faculties deteriorate, he is going to need to up the frequency. If he continues to leave six week gaps then there will come a point where they won't be able to enjoy his calls at all because they won't be part of their routine - they'll just be a disruption. Something for him to ponder, not for you to worry about.
Brother may have a little bit of a stubborn streak so that the more you discuss this with him, the less likely he is to do it. Because then it would be your idea, not his.
Men don't always know how to handle the uncomfortable-ness that comes when their parents reach this stage. They are more hands on, not touchy-feely. This is a generalization, not a hard and fast rule of course.
Also I would like to say that time passes as different rates of speed for different people. Some people feel every minute of every day, where I'm always surprised when Friday arrives because it just seems like yesterday was Friday. Time passes very quickly for me.
I will throw this out, it would have driven my mother absolutely crazy if I'd called every day in years past. She would've felt like I was imposing on her, keeping tabs on what she was doing or something. I guess other mothers would have gotten their feelings hurt if their daughters didn't call every day. So there is no normal. It's just what feels comfortable for the parties involved.
Without your mentioning it to them, do your parents even know how often your brother calls? Do they recognize the passage of time? Do they lament that they haven't heard from him in a while? Can they call him when they want to?
I wouldn't put any blame on his job. We all have things ie jobs, hobbies, whatever, that we spend our time on. I suppose non-Christians could be frequent callers, so I'm not sure that his religious beliefs should come into play either. Honoring our parents can be played out in various ways, I'm not sure that God meant call once a week. Perhaps brother donates money in their names to a charity? Who knows, I don't.
Encourage your parents to call your brother and establish a phone relationship. He may reciprocate, once that relationship has been established.
I haven't gone anywhere for three years and haven't had a break from my mom for at least that long. I finally asked him to give me a week break, where he'd call her 2X a day, which he did. It was great for me to have a full seven days where I wasn't constantly thinking/calling/doing for my mom.
The fact that your brother is a pastor makes it 10X worse in my opinion. What a hypocrite! It would frost me too...but I've learned with my brother that being angry and bitter at my brother only hurt me - he couldn't care less. Once my mom goes, I'll have to decide what relationship we have (if any). My brother isn't a bad guy, he's just very self-centered.
For a decent, imperfect, aged parent.... Call them, daily, even if briefly....have the same conversation.....say just wanted to check on you...make them feel like somebody will care if / when they were dead. If you have daily calls they will be one short.
In the course of a day each of us has civil small talk with neighbors, colleagues or strangers we could care less about ....why would you deny the person who raised you the same?
Barring some deep emotional issue not calling a parent is petty.
I had no interest in calling mom when I was in college, but I have become less selfish since....frankly our conversations are just as boring. Most of us have cell phones and can even squeeze a call in during a grocery run, from the car, etc..
YES!
My sister was not even calling weekly (from another western State), but I asked her to try to pay attention and do that, and she has done it. She sometimes calls while walking the dog. Seems like a great idea to me. Yea, with cell phones, and no one has to "watch their minutes" anymore, there should be 25 minutes in a week, even if during a walk of some kind.
Mom used to call my brother a few years ago when she was able. Dad would call him every day if he thought he would answer the phone.
I told my brother this. It got his attention, but no change in behavior.
Nothing stays the same, so whatever will be will be.
(I have no brother after this, that much I know.) I'm just sad for Mom and Dad, and they do realize, and their expectations are very low, so yes- I'm more ticked than they are.
ok, I think I'm done.
Thank you one and all.
I was going to say, shouldn't your brother be asking that question?
You stay out of it, is my advice. I have never had any success attempting to confront or correct others on their accountability issues, so I learned not to.
Oh dear, I cannot believe I said that, but I have not eaten yet.
Maybe he hates talking on the phone and finds it awkward. Maybe he doesn't want to confront the elephant in the room - age and decline. I'm sure he has his reasons. Phone calls are not the only way to reach out. For those of us who are closet introverts with an extrovert's job, the LAST think I want to do is be on the phone to anyone after work.
Perhaps sending them a greeting card or post card would be a better option. Phone calls less often, when he can. You can get boxes of cards at the dollar store, and so what if they get the same one more than once? Put a date inside. Just write "I love you and think of you." It doesn't have to be an essay. Plus, cards are tangible while a phone call can be instantly forgotten.
Send balloons, flowers a couple times a year. There are all kinds of things that can be delivered these days to stay in touch with someone far away.
I got to the point where if mom needed my phone call to be OK, then she needed to be in a care facility. My phone call was not going to make anything OK. It wasn't going to buy the groceries, throw out trash, or wash her clothes. The crushing expectation of it all added so much anxiety to my life.