Hi Ronda- may I point out that if she is not mentally healthy than she is NOT healthy. I would try and get a psychiatric evaluation done to see what is going on. Sounds like depression which is a serious medical condition. Try and be patient even if frustarted. I know , easier said than done. Good luck !
I would definately say a psych good evalsounds like it's in order (not a 15 min "prescribe a pill" doc visit), and maybe even a round of therapy if it is affordable ("nothing to lose" could be the answer to "there is no point"). That she is in bed when she doesn't know you are coming means it isn't JUST a sympathy ploy to manipulate you guys. We had a similar issue with my Grandmother becoming more and more house-bound, after my Grandfather died, finally spending most of her days laying in bed staring at the ceiling. Fill in the blank for all of the (bogus) excuses of why she couldn't do this, couldn't do that, or why it was "impossible" for her to do something else. After 10 years of this inactivity finally her hip broke. She's in a Board & care now that doesn't take "I don't wanna" for an answer (they were told by my Aunt that it was OK to be pushy with her). She is also now on anti-depressants. She is doing much, much better now that she is NOT in charge of her own ship. While she isn't back to where she was 15 years ago, she is much better than when she was living on her own. I would say that
Ronda, the heart of it is that the experience of "life" is not the same for everyone internally though it might look similar externally. The very fact that you are even able to do the things you'd rather not do shows a level of mental health and energy that you mother simply doesn't have. The reason why she doesn't have that could be depression, hormone imbalance, vitamin or mineral deficiency, any number of things. Definitely evaluation physical and mental is in order!
Lost Ma a year ago, but, before she died, she'd gotten so she wanted everything done for her. I couldn't, since I was also caring for my husband, who was in worse shape physically than she was. Plus, he wanted to help himself and she did not. I managed to get her into a nursing home, but she still refused to do anything, put out a DNR on herself, and sat around waiting to die. I had to let her be that way. Honestly, what could I have done to change it? What can you do? Nothing. She's an adult, and has chosen to be this way. Mental illness aside, even those suffering from depression can begin to help themselves if given the right tools. Sounds to me like you've been supportive, kind, caring, helpful, but now it really is up to her. I know it hurts to watch someone you love decline because they will not help themselves. It hurts until you feel guilty for not doing what they want you to do.
Even if you did take her in, care for her hand and foot, and did exactly what she says she needs, she would not be happy. The ONLY person who can make her happy is her. So do yourself a favor, make sure she's got the care she needs, rather than what she wants, and then take care of yourself. Have some fun. When the guilts set in, tell yourself firmly that you've done everything you possibly can, and you have a RIGHT to your own life. :D
You mention you mom has been like this her entire life; as such, it is not likely she is going to change at this point. Certainly you might get a mental health check-up but you mention she has been on and off medication for much of her life but medication requires she take it faithfully. It may be a little late in life for cognitive talk therapy, but it is worth a try.
I have had several residents who had similar issues. Family brought them to our facility and talked about how much they hoped they would become involved with all the activities. I always asked if they had always been social and when the answer was " no, she always kept to herself" I tried to get them to understand that she was unlikely to change now.
You have done your best here. You have found her a safe, comfortable place to be that provides her with the option of socialization. The rest is her choice.
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime.
Translation: give them tools so they can achieve a modicum of self-reliance. Then walk away and see how they manage by their lonesome. At least they'll never say you never tried to help. ... Actually, they might say it anyway; just to keep playing the victim or for the thrill of b___g about something. It gives them a sense of purpose sometimes.
She loves to be "sick" and she wants to die. She won't get out of bed, though she can, she won't walk, exercise, participate in events. She lays around and does nothing all day inspite of our encouragement s and telling her her daily activities are detrimental to her health.
Your bio says your Mom is in Assisted Living. I thought most of these places urged the residents to get up and out. Does she go down for meals? Can you visit immediately after the meal so there is a chance of seeing her in one of the public spaces?
We had a similar issue with my Grandmother becoming more and more house-bound, after my Grandfather died, finally spending most of her days laying in bed staring at the ceiling. Fill in the blank for all of the (bogus) excuses of why she couldn't do this, couldn't do that, or why it was "impossible" for her to do something else. After 10 years of this inactivity finally her hip broke. She's in a Board & care now that doesn't take "I don't wanna" for an answer (they were told by my Aunt that it was OK to be pushy with her). She is also now on anti-depressants. She is doing much, much better now that she is NOT in charge of her own ship. While she isn't back to where she was 15 years ago, she is much better than when she was living on her own.
I would say that
Even if you did take her in, care for her hand and foot, and did exactly what she says she needs, she would not be happy. The ONLY person who can make her happy is her. So do yourself a favor, make sure she's got the care she needs, rather than what she wants, and then take care of yourself. Have some fun. When the guilts set in, tell yourself firmly that you've done everything you possibly can, and you have a RIGHT to your own life. :D
What kind of help is needed? Why won't the person accept help? Is dementia or mental deficiency involved?
I have had several residents who had similar issues. Family brought them to our facility and talked about how much they hoped they would become involved with all the activities. I always asked if they had always been social and when the answer was " no, she always kept to herself" I tried to get them to understand that she was unlikely to change now.
You have done your best here. You have found her a safe, comfortable place to be that provides her with the option of socialization. The rest is her choice.
Translation: give them tools so they can achieve a modicum of self-reliance. Then walk away and see how they manage by their lonesome. At least they'll never say you never tried to help. ... Actually, they might say it anyway; just to keep playing the victim or for the thrill of b___g about something. It gives them a sense of purpose sometimes.
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