How do you help someone who won't help themselves?

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1. Get psych eval,
2. Detach with love. Easier said than done, but the sooner you realize what you can (and can't) control with this situation, the happier you and your husband will be.

Been there...done that...life is now much better.
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THanks, Eddie, for your words of wisdom. :-) Wayne You sound very intelligent and it seems that you've been around the block a while. :-) Wayne
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Re:she still refused to do anything

Sounds familiar! :-) Wayne

I wanted her to have home health care continued; I wanted to help her move about more. but all my efforts have failed. If I can't get somone to move about more than it's out of my hands. After they are gone, I can, with a clear conscience, say "hey. look, I tried to help them". no one can take that away from me. Look, I've gotten very tired from doing caregiving for 16 yrs now. I've never been married. Have no kids. I feel that my life belongs, somehow to them. I feel like I'm in prison. I live in a gated community, so I feel like I'm trapped here while I'm at home. All around, not good.........not good. I don't even have a chance to follow ice hockey anymore. Oh well, this too, shall pass. I've become emotionally disconnected and tired. Physically drained. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink. :-) wayne
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Re: gotten so that she wanted everything done for her

Boy, now, does that sound familiar! :-) LOL Wayne
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Lost Ma a year ago, but, before she died, she'd gotten so she wanted everything done for her. I couldn't, since I was also caring for my husband, who was in worse shape physically than she was. Plus, he wanted to help himself and she did not. I managed to get her into a nursing home, but she still refused to do anything, put out a DNR on herself, and sat around waiting to die. I had to let her be that way. Honestly, what could I have done to change it? What can you do? Nothing. She's an adult, and has chosen to be this way. Mental illness aside, even those suffering from depression can begin to help themselves if given the right tools. Sounds to me like you've been supportive, kind, caring, helpful, but now it really is up to her. I know it hurts to watch someone you love decline because they will not help themselves. It hurts until you feel guilty for not doing what they want you to do.

Even if you did take her in, care for her hand and foot, and did exactly what she says she needs, she would not be happy. The ONLY person who can make her happy is her. So do yourself a favor, make sure she's got the care she needs, rather than what she wants, and then take care of yourself. Have some fun. When the guilts set in, tell yourself firmly that you've done everything you possibly can, and you have a RIGHT to your own life. :D
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its a changing world. there are more demands on our time than at any point in history. the days of dad mowing and weedeating 3 acres while mom makes the house sparkle are behind us. some of our senseless habits have to go. smaller, more effecient and sensible homes will be a good start. i know im getting old and tired. i operate from a priority list and if your drivel isnt on my list it aint going to get done. spin like a tasmanian devil if you choose but im going to go clean my bike carburetor..
old people preserve their energy for the things that are important to them. nothing wrong with that..
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Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime.

Translation: give them tools so they can achieve a modicum of self-reliance. Then walk away and see how they manage by their lonesome. At least they'll never say you never tried to help. ... Actually, they might say it anyway; just to keep playing the victim or for the thrill of b___g about something. It gives them a sense of purpose sometimes.
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y mom hasw been bed ridden for m,onths now. Claims that she will fall if she gets out of bed to use the bathroom. Claims me and dad are too inept to help her. If she can't help herself out of that bed there is absolutely nothing I can do. She had home health care p0hysical therapy. She failed miserably. Wouldn't and didn't want to do the physical exercises that were prescribed. Now she is without home health care. There is nothing, I, as a caregiver can do. I just fetch and carry for her all day long. Have a great weekend! I know I will. LOL :-) Wayne
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There is probably much more going on with your Mom than is evident to you. I agree that a psychiatric evaluation is a good thing. Perhaps with the right medications, her quality of life will improve.
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Wow, you don't have to take care of her 24/7, and she's in an assisted living place? Wow! My Mom is the same way, but she lives with me. Sorry, but I need to vent. I get to see this day and day out everyday. She doesn't do anything for herself, won't see a doctor, won't take vitamins. I hope you find some answers. I've given up.
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