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Sorry this is just a vent but any other day MIL is beyond miserable and argumentative with us but this AM we had an appointment for blood work today and she was beyond pleasant and happy especially with the office staff. She is still living with us and would love to have her be like that at home but unfortunately that never happens.....I also think she has caught on to doing this with the area Agency people too since she has done a total 360 the last time they were here to visit. She def does need more care than we can give her but this whole process is just sooooo overwhelming........Thanks for listening :)

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My 91 year old mother who lives with us does the exact same thing. When a sitter is here, they talk and laugh and have a great time together. With me, nothing, unless it's a complaint. Not even eye contact. She also treats the home visitor nurse the same way she treats me. Just mumbles and no eye contact. She told the nurse she doesn't do what I ask her to do because I'm not in charge. She's been here 1 year and 6 months. She still tries to get up without assistance and has fallen 5 times. Twice we had to call 911. She is so heavy we couldn't get her up. Thank goodness I became a light sleeper when she moved in. I could go on and on. I just do my best and pray.
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She is comfortable and familiar with you. That is who she really is when she lets her guard down. I know it hurts. She is showing you she can be nicer when she wants to.

If you are having difficulty tolerating her behavior, hire help if you can. Not for her, but for you. Spend your breaks surrounding yourself with positivity so you can go back to the war zone refreshed.

The upsides to taking care of her? This will not be forever. Your spouse will appreciate you immensely. If you have a relative or friend who needs help, you should be able to similarly help them based on this precedent.
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Oh. My. Gosh! Does THIS ever sound familiar! My MIL (who will be turning 90 in September) has been diagnosed with MCI; my wife is her caregiver and guardian. She can be funny and charming with other people, but with us, she is often a MEGA complainer, though this has gotten better lately - mainly because my wife's lawyer sent a letter to a troublemaking friend of my MIL's who always got her worked up. The final straw was when this "friend" told my MIL not to take medication her doctor had prescribed for her, and told my MIL (who is, sadly, easily swayed by people who tell her what she wants to hear) that my wife and I were physically abusing her by making sure she took her medications! The lawyer sent the "friend" a cease-and-desist letter, and just like that, my MIL has (mostly) calmed down. She STILL has her fussy days with us, and tends to be funny and charming with other people, though. Nice to know this isn't a unique experience...
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Called show timing. My mother would win an Oscar! It is very frustrating. When anyone comes over, you wouldn’t think a thing was wrong with her. It’s like pulling a rabbit out of a hat. The only thing good about it that after hours of putting on a show, she will be so worn out after the show is over, she will sleep a lot that day and the next. 😂. The brain is a jigsaw puzzle with infinity pieces.
This is the perfect place to rant. Take a breath. Then recharge Blessings to you!
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Showing a worst side at home with family might be b/c it seems safe there to complain and show anger and vent frustration. In public and with others, a person can often pull themselves together long enough to behave with civility and good temper. The "act" takes emotional energy and that may be in short supply in your MIL's case and she uses it all up behaving for others.
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Imho, what your mother is doing is called "showtiming" and is "performed" (akin to an actress portraying a role) by many elders. How, you may ask, is she able to pull this off? Answer = As she only has to showtime for a very limited amount of time, she can easily trick someone into thinking that she is perfectly fine. Also, as you are typically the person ensuring that she takes her medications, eats well, gets enough rest, etc., you may always be the "bad guy."
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My friend and I are amazed how our mothers can put on the ‘sweet old lady’ act! In their case it’s not dementia or anything... it’s more of they were raised to be a bit childlike and helpless. Both of them told us (only daughters) that men don’t like it when girls are “too smart” and act like they don’t need a man. I don’t know how my eyes didn’t roll clear out of my head when my mom said that to me.

Surprise, both of us miraculously found husbands who love us despite having brains!
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My3Sisters Mar 2021
That was definitely the message of that generation! My mom constantly g”gives us advice” on that , I’m almost 60 with a husband I ve been married to fir 31 years! They really bought that line of junk over 70 yrs ago
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It’s called, ‘putting on a front’ or ‘a face for others.’ In their day, that generation did not ‘air dirty laundry.’ Issues are discussed privately.

Very common! Right? My mom shows her ‘true colors’ with me but not others.

They may be deceiving. They are also smart! They don’t want to be called out by others.

Plus, they like getting the complements for being sweet!

My mom loved when others told me that she was so sweet.

All of my friends love my mom! She never acted up in front of them.

Same thing with medical personnel, neighbors, etc.

It’s more complex than we realize.

It’s can be vanity. They wish to appear to be at their best.

It may be embarrassment if they feel guilty or shameful about an issue. They don’t want to be exposed in a negative light.

They can’t accept criticism. They don’t wish to be corrected, or be told of another viewpoint.

It can be a revenge plot if they are spiteful.

It can even be a mental health disorder.

It can be all of these and then some.
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HI Becca1,
I feel you. I've had similar things to happen with me. My husband smiles and treats physical therapists and people in doctor offices totally than he does me. He lifts his legs higher and does more too. When he's with me, he acts like he can't do much. I happen to know that you and I are not the only caregivers that get treated by the loved ones like this. My friend is a caregiver and the same thing happens to her. So, I wish you well and God bless you in being a caregiver. 🤗
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Show timing . Like when you're a drunk teen and you pass your parents looking stone cold sober until you get to your room or you feel ill in public but you wait until you get home to throw up or you're called out to meet relatives you barely know so you smile and bear it even though you'd rather not inside ... I think it comes from the same place as your dignity . Mama does it and the first time it happened ..well... we couldn't believe our ears .
It 's something lots of dementia sufferers do apparently .
As grating as it can be , the alternative ( bad behaviour in public or at the doctors ) isn't preferable .
Good luck but she isn't likely to be totally sweet to you guys , she is going to show how she really feels . I wish you well and I wish you strength , it's a hard road being a caregiver so vent here anytime , we all do 😊
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Old needy people, even ones with dementia and assorted disabilities, can be very manipulative.
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Hello, I’m new to the group so excuse me if I rambled or sound lost... but YES YES YES, my 74 year old MIL found out she had stage 3 cancer just as covid started to change the world. At the time the doctor gave her 3 to 6 months and we didn’t want her to have to be alone in a care facility so we sold her home and moved her in with us.. flash forward a year... by the grace of god she beat it and is slowing starting to recover. I say slowly only because I know she is doing better than most people believe. See durning Covid I worked from home while my husband and son’s jobs went on as normal. So naturally I became her primary caregiver. And durning the darkest time (Surgeries, chemo, & ER visits) I was the only one that could be with her so my husband & SIL left everything up to me to do what was best for their mother. So now that she is in remission and the worst is behind us, I suggested it was time to start looking into other housing options... but she made them promise her they wouldn’t make any changes until she had her strength back and was able to play an active role in process. Here is where her alter ego switch comes in... (like you said acts one way around me another around everyone else). When she is alone or it’s just us at home, she seems to have no problems finding the strength to wonder around the house looking for with ways for me to entertain her. She even manages to take her dog out and fix herself something to eat. But as soon as anyone else is around she hides out in her sitting room and acts like she don’t even have the strength to stand up. She’ll call out from her room asking stuff or for someone come and take the dog out... saying she’s to weak or afraid she might fall. Oh and My all time favorite is when she shuffles across the kitchen in front of to my husband and said.... I really wish I could help out more, but I’m just so tired all the time ... than when no one is around asks if I’ll take her to the store so she can pick up a few things... I get it she doesn’t want to go back to living alone and doesn’t want strangers taking care of her... but I can’t keep my life on hold forever, I love my MIL but didn’t sign up to be a full time caregiver.. I need more time alone with my home and my husband... 😊
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My mother has ALWAYS been this way. Everyone tells me how sweet and funny she is and it's all I can do to keep from asking "Are you talking about MY mother?" I wish I knew the answer to this myself. I have no advice just a sympathetic ear who knows exactly what you are experiencing.
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lotstolose Mar 2021
Mine too. Very sharp-tongued with me, but I'm constantly told by others (for years and years) how sweet and adorable she is. Just like you, I am thinking "Are you talking about MY mother?" Funny story - she is 102 now, and is losing "herself." I'm not sure she knows who I am. Why do I think that? She is pleasant with me. I prefer her this way!
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It’s called “show timing” & it definitely causes problems for the caregiver(s). This can also occur when the caregiver takes the elderly parent to see a doctor! It’s amazing how manipulative they can be!
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My mom with Alzheimer's was the same way. She was often very rude to my husband and me, but she was charming with others, as other posters have noticed in their own situations. I also understand that this this quite common, unfortunately. I guess my mom felt she could let her hair down with us, and not put on airs, but these heirs were frustrated by her behavior. I even wrote a book about our trials and tribulations with this called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale."
My mom was once in the Emergency room, due to out of control behavior, but she was "Miss Congeniality" once she got there. It understandably took the hospital staff a little while to see through her pretense, as her true new self shone through. Finding a sense of humor within this "new normal" helped. She'd sometimes tell me to "Drop dead and go someplace warm" over nothing, by the way. She never spoke to anyone like that, about anything, let alone to me, about nothing. Hubby would mouth the words to me, "She's not really your mother," and he was right. After a while, I told this once very nice woman that if she wanted me to go there, I better bring sunscreen and a hat. Like I said, a sense of humor helps. Writing the book helped me too, in terms of it being a cathartic experience for me, and hoping that it helped others in the process. Best of luck.
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Oh yes, they can definitely put on an act! Yesterday my father's nurse came for a wellness check. As she was getting ready to leave, she says "I just love your dad, he is the sweetest man"! I couldn't even find words! He is often swearing and calling me the B word. The other day he said he was going to break my jaw! He took a swing at his Home Instead caregiver. I had to bite my tongue. I should have told her he's a Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde!
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You always hurt the one you love. Also around others, her adrenaline may bump up.
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I can relate. When my father recently fell and broke his ribs someone we know got in touch with me to find out how he was doing. She said I just love your father! He’s the sweetest guy I know!!! In the meantime he’s arguing with me, yelling at me he doesn’t need a caregiver! Not listening to me, saying no to everything I suggest 😆. The only thing I could tell her was thank you ☺️
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Becca1 Mar 2021
LOL I hear you......I have to bite my tongue when somoene tells me how sweet she is and think if you only knew.
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My Mother was the same. So nice and pleasant to everyone else and nasty to me. For two years she kept getting worse. Her dementia was obvious to me but my husband thought she was just being on her worst behavior. She progressed from verbally abusing me to punching in the face one day. To keep her from punching me again I caught her fist in mid swing and held her by the wrist until she tired out. The next morning she was bemoaning the fact that old people were no longer respected by young people as she showed me the bruise on her wrist. She had no idea who did it or when. This was the last straw for me so I started to record my visits with her and filmed her demented walkabouts. She had a minor episode that took her to the ER. The nurses were telling me she would be discharged back to her home per the Dr. I asked to see the Dr. and showed her the video's. I explained that even though I had a Master's and had set up Geriatric Psych wards all over the country I was in over my head with my Mother. She decided to discharge her to a Rehabilitation facility so she could get more care which pleased my Mother and she agreed to go. She continued to decline where others could see it and she was placed in a locked memory unit within a month. This happened 2 years ago. This was the best outcome for her as she loves being waited on by staff and for me. I felt guilty at first but realize this was the best thing for her. Sometimes my mom recognizes me and sometimes she wants to know when "Diane" is going to visit her again. I tell her that I am Diane, her daughter and she says "No, I want to see the nice Diane". So I leave and return in a few minutes and she will say to me as I walk into her room, "oh, there you are, where have you been, I have missed you"
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Becca1 Mar 2021
MIL says the same thing that we have no respect for her especially when things do not go her way. It's actually gotten to the point where we don't even argue the point anymore as it's not worth it.
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My mom was the same way to the point that her friends didn’t understand why she was in memory care. It has been so helpful to have this forum to see that we are no alone! Mom has recently passed away and her friends now seem to just be in “shock”, yet they never believed me about her health becoming she was very good at putting on a good face to others.
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I know exactly what you are talking about and it is frustrating. My mother did the same thing and not only health care workers but my brother and his family could not see what I was talking about. It felt like being gas lighted on a big scale!
The effort it takes to behave 'normally' used to wear her out.
I suppose we all put on a show when we meet people. It is hard though to live with Jekyll and Hyde!
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My 94 y/o mother has been a phony her whole life. She has one face for family members, and another face for the rest of the world. She can turn it on and off like a light switch, too, which my father could never understand, for the life of him. How she could go from a snarling witch with her teeth bared into a smiling and gentle little woman as soon as the doorbell rang. She's so lovely to a person's face, then as soon as that person leaves, she pulls out her knife and stabs him right in the back. She's been that way her whole life. A true phony.

Now that she has moderately advanced dementia, we call it Showtiming. Putting on the I'm Okay Face for the caregivers and doctors and other residents so many wonder what she's even DOING living in Memory Care. She can make small talk like there's no tomorrow, but don't ask her a REAL question, b/c she has no idea what day of the week it is.

Don't expect your mother to act any other way but perfectly lucid & charming when she needs to; when there's something at stake she has to BE charming in order to qualify for. It's the game they play. They reserve all their angst & animosity for those they're 'closest' to, ironically enough.

Too bad the ones who do the MOST for them are the ones to suffer their wrath the worst, huh?
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Becca1 Mar 2021
I like your comment about the switch because that is exactly what she is like Her attitude can change by the minute given the situation and she seems to always have it timed just right.....
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My mother was pretty good at hiding behind her macular degeneration to cover up for not recognizing people. Most people in their community and social circle had no idea she had dementia.

She did such a good job of it that she convinced a visitor to her nursing home that she'd remarried a mere four months after losing her husband of 66 years. She gave such excellent details to their love story that this visitor trotted off and put an article in the local Rotary Club newsletter congratulating her on her nuptials. The whole town knew within a day, and I was the last to find out.

That was an interesting fire to put out.

Sadly, now that the entire town does know she has dementia, she's been dropped like a rock by pretty much everyone who would have otherwise checked in on her.
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wearynow Mar 2021
Omg...the same "rock" happened to my mom in India in her senior center! When mom became forgetful, the other residents became very condescending and looking down on her and I had to rush there and get her to America to be with me.
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Oh yes...My mom started doing what I called “public Marie”...especially around medical people...we were seeing some harsh cognitive changes at home yet she could fake it well in public and be so normal at the MD office {on the surface level where most doctors stay} .....she could be sicky sweet with others yet a bit tough at home..... right up until she mentally collapsed last year during covid lockdown. We used a zoom call for her MD to see the “real Marie” at home...even he was surprised at the difference. She was hospitalized and she was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia. This nasty disease has hours of clarity mixed with confusion..and it mixes paranoia in which caused lots of issues at home. She had bad depression and anxiety issues. For 2 years we thought it was her having “bad behavior” at home..we did not recognize a true dementia. Now after 10 months in a Memory Care unit , she has been stable enough to move to an assisted living. She is in what I refer to as a period of remission from Lewy...still some mild dementia but a calmer nicer mom...in time Lewy will rear it’s head again but she is happy where she lives now..life is calm..
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People who are with loved or familiar people are far less restrained in speaking and acting out. They feel they can do and say anything and noting happens but they want to be looked at in a good light by "outsiders". This is part of the human condition. Sad but true in most cases. I feel if someone is overstepping boundaries, then you must very strongly and firmly set stone boundaries and do whatever you can to stop the behavior and if it continues or gets worse, then you take whatever steps you need to take.
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We all have company manners when we put on our best behavior. Unfortunately, it doesn't extend to those you live with. If your mom is argumentative with you it may be a sign that she is anxious. Try to get her into a routine that doesn't change much so that the schedule becomes the "boss." Also try to give her opportunities to make appropriate (think small and insignificant) decisions: place settings for meals, choice of drink, choice of movie... If those do not work, you need to talk to her doctor. If she has dementia or mental health issues, she may do better under care of a geriatric psychiatrist. Sometimes a mild anti-anxiety agent can help smooth out her agitation and/or frustrating behaviors.
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I think this is a very, very common behavior.

You show your 'best side' to people you don't know. It's innate in us--we want people to like us, so we behave in a manner that will most likely show ourselves in a good light.

Around those who are caring for us, living with us--we let it all out, the good, the bad, the ugly, b/c at some level, we know THEY will love us anyhow. Everyone does this, to some degree.

My mom can play up the sweet little granny to the point it's beyond kind of sickening, but she's ALWAYS been this way. People who only know my mom through church or the Sr Center she attends are always saying "Oh, she's just such a little doll! So sweet and kind!" Uh, no, she's not, but what good would it do to argue that point with them.

When mom gets sicky-sweet around people, I play stupid. Only if she is actually offensive or mean to me do I say anything about her behavior. What would be the point?
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BurntCaregiver Mar 2021
Midkid58, you hit the nail on the head when you describe the sicky-sweet behavior that is one type of performance that is reserved for different people. Sometimes it's fine to just let the person enjoy all the nice attention they get from these people. Not every time though. Like a 'showtiming' performance for their doctor or other health care provider. My mother tell them she's feeling pretty good and that she's doing okay. That is when I will tell her doctor in front of her what she actually does and says, so they have some understanding of what's really going on.
No one has to tolerate being treated with disrespect and indignity. Our homes will not be treated like a dog-house either. Our "loved ones" must have it established that their bad behavior will not be tolerated and that the family will not become servants to them because they are elderly and need care. That we will not help them or care for them if they behave abusively. The "nice as pie" performance has to extend to us as well if they need or want something or they're not getting it.
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Your MIL's orneriness, misery, and arguments are performances that are intended for a very exclusive audience. The audience is you and your husband. This happens all the time and you're not alone.

What I find helps to deal with this overwhelming burden so many of our elderly "loved ones" put on only us, is to set up boundaries and stick to them, and don't allow someone to behave like a entitled ingrate in your home, regardless of their age or family relation. MIL needs a good reminding of exactly whose house she's living in and who's helping her out. The same as a kid acting up would get told, 'my house, my rules'. Same thing. When a performance starts up, totally ignore her. Do not give it any attention whatsoever and just go about your business as usual.
If her behavior is unmanageable to you then move her out of your house into an AL or nursing home. Don't let your life get hijacked by her with guilt trips either.
Bottom line. If she wants to stay in your house then she has to keep her bad behavior in check. If not then she leaves.
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disgustedtoo Mar 2021
Arrrrgh! I tried clicking Helpful Answer about 10 times, but it only went up by 1!!! (just kidding, well sort of, I did click it multiple times, but I know it won't add more.)

Performances - yes, we have the "performance" face, put best foot forward when dealing with "others", those not part of close family or living in the same space. "Act like a lady" was one of my mother's favorite instructions, first with me, then with my daughter!!! My mother was nicey-nice to everyone, but behind their backs? I used to say if we disagreed whether something was black or white, and I just gave in and said sure, whatever you said, she would jump the fence and insist it's the other color! Argument for argument's sake. UGH!

Boundaries - if you are adamant and stand your ground on these issues, maybe she will learn. It depends on how long this has gone on, was she like this before moving in, does she have any dementia, etc. Make as many boundaries as you can and stand firm. Sometimes you might win, sometimes maybe not. If you can move to a space she isn't in, without her following, that might be best. Distance yourself, even if you have to go outside for a few minutes. Go into the bathroom and shut/lock the door, even if you don't have to go. Deep breath and relax, let the angst flow out. Repeat as needed.

Argumentative: Remember, it take two to tango. Do NOT take the bait. Do NOT argue with her. Whether it is important or not, don't argue. She starts something, ignore it, walk away, refuse to engage. She may still rant and rave, but just go where you can't hear it or put on some head phones. Some people just seem to get a kick out of arguing, but if you don't respond, there's no argument. Count to 10, or more, as you walk away. It will still get your dander up, but you CAN fight it. My ex used to push my buttons. My daughter, 5yo at the time, came up with the solution (we were on the phone.) She said "Why don't you just hang up?" I looked at her in amazement, and did just that. He would call back, just so he could hang up on me (jerk!) At a later date, he said something that I knew would lead to a fight. I was thinking how to respond, and after a few seconds he asked if I was going to answer him. The answer came to me as he said that. I replied "No, because if I do we will get into an argument and I don't want to fight about anything." He went ballistic! So, I calmly hung the phone up and then took it off the wall (unplugged.) No cell phone back then or Caller ID! So, he could call and it would ring on his end, but not mine, so I dismissed it all and could go back to what I was doing before he called without any more interruption!

It might take some time and practice not responding to her taunts, but eventually you get the hang of it.

Miserable: Remember, happiness comes from within. You can't MAKE her happy. If she's always been more or less miserable, you just have to let it slide, like her starting arguments. Don't take the bait. Does she have anything to do, either helping out with the house work or activities she likes, to keep her busy? Are there places she can go to engage with others, like the Sr Center or some church functions? Anything to get her out and about. Sitting around looking at the same four walls can drive all of us nuts! We've been living this for a while now...

Are there plans to move her to IL or AL, where she can mingle with others, hopefully playing nice? She can get more care there, be a little more "independent" and be out of your hair.

(someone mentioned "show-timing", which is what I first thought when reading just the title, but that is different. That is usually when someone with early dementia can pull up their socks and "appear" more normal, in front of others, esp doctors, so they don't realize the person has cognitive issues. Typically it only lasts long enough to get through minimal interactions, like a doctor visit or a relative briefly visiting. It wears off quickly and they are back to whatever.)
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Show timing. Look it up.
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joymartin62 Mar 2021
Exactly!! My mother does it all the time. Had doctors thinking that I was nuts for years.
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Well, as you can imagine, those things that are carved into our brains from the time we are toddlers are the things that last.
"So in So is coming over and you WILL be GOOD".
Think about it.
Are you not on better behavior with the strangers you meet daily, upon whom you are dependent for services, than you are with your late hubby when he comes home late to dinner?
This is the way humans are. Apparently it survives even when we are impaired.
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