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Sorry this is just a vent but any other day MIL is beyond miserable and argumentative with us but this AM we had an appointment for blood work today and she was beyond pleasant and happy especially with the office staff. She is still living with us and would love to have her be like that at home but unfortunately that never happens.....I also think she has caught on to doing this with the area Agency people too since she has done a total 360 the last time they were here to visit. She def does need more care than we can give her but this whole process is just sooooo overwhelming........Thanks for listening :)

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My 94 y/o mother has been a phony her whole life. She has one face for family members, and another face for the rest of the world. She can turn it on and off like a light switch, too, which my father could never understand, for the life of him. How she could go from a snarling witch with her teeth bared into a smiling and gentle little woman as soon as the doorbell rang. She's so lovely to a person's face, then as soon as that person leaves, she pulls out her knife and stabs him right in the back. She's been that way her whole life. A true phony.

Now that she has moderately advanced dementia, we call it Showtiming. Putting on the I'm Okay Face for the caregivers and doctors and other residents so many wonder what she's even DOING living in Memory Care. She can make small talk like there's no tomorrow, but don't ask her a REAL question, b/c she has no idea what day of the week it is.

Don't expect your mother to act any other way but perfectly lucid & charming when she needs to; when there's something at stake she has to BE charming in order to qualify for. It's the game they play. They reserve all their angst & animosity for those they're 'closest' to, ironically enough.

Too bad the ones who do the MOST for them are the ones to suffer their wrath the worst, huh?
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Becca1 Mar 2021
I like your comment about the switch because that is exactly what she is like Her attitude can change by the minute given the situation and she seems to always have it timed just right.....
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Your MIL's orneriness, misery, and arguments are performances that are intended for a very exclusive audience. The audience is you and your husband. This happens all the time and you're not alone.

What I find helps to deal with this overwhelming burden so many of our elderly "loved ones" put on only us, is to set up boundaries and stick to them, and don't allow someone to behave like a entitled ingrate in your home, regardless of their age or family relation. MIL needs a good reminding of exactly whose house she's living in and who's helping her out. The same as a kid acting up would get told, 'my house, my rules'. Same thing. When a performance starts up, totally ignore her. Do not give it any attention whatsoever and just go about your business as usual.
If her behavior is unmanageable to you then move her out of your house into an AL or nursing home. Don't let your life get hijacked by her with guilt trips either.
Bottom line. If she wants to stay in your house then she has to keep her bad behavior in check. If not then she leaves.
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disgustedtoo Mar 2021
Arrrrgh! I tried clicking Helpful Answer about 10 times, but it only went up by 1!!! (just kidding, well sort of, I did click it multiple times, but I know it won't add more.)

Performances - yes, we have the "performance" face, put best foot forward when dealing with "others", those not part of close family or living in the same space. "Act like a lady" was one of my mother's favorite instructions, first with me, then with my daughter!!! My mother was nicey-nice to everyone, but behind their backs? I used to say if we disagreed whether something was black or white, and I just gave in and said sure, whatever you said, she would jump the fence and insist it's the other color! Argument for argument's sake. UGH!

Boundaries - if you are adamant and stand your ground on these issues, maybe she will learn. It depends on how long this has gone on, was she like this before moving in, does she have any dementia, etc. Make as many boundaries as you can and stand firm. Sometimes you might win, sometimes maybe not. If you can move to a space she isn't in, without her following, that might be best. Distance yourself, even if you have to go outside for a few minutes. Go into the bathroom and shut/lock the door, even if you don't have to go. Deep breath and relax, let the angst flow out. Repeat as needed.

Argumentative: Remember, it take two to tango. Do NOT take the bait. Do NOT argue with her. Whether it is important or not, don't argue. She starts something, ignore it, walk away, refuse to engage. She may still rant and rave, but just go where you can't hear it or put on some head phones. Some people just seem to get a kick out of arguing, but if you don't respond, there's no argument. Count to 10, or more, as you walk away. It will still get your dander up, but you CAN fight it. My ex used to push my buttons. My daughter, 5yo at the time, came up with the solution (we were on the phone.) She said "Why don't you just hang up?" I looked at her in amazement, and did just that. He would call back, just so he could hang up on me (jerk!) At a later date, he said something that I knew would lead to a fight. I was thinking how to respond, and after a few seconds he asked if I was going to answer him. The answer came to me as he said that. I replied "No, because if I do we will get into an argument and I don't want to fight about anything." He went ballistic! So, I calmly hung the phone up and then took it off the wall (unplugged.) No cell phone back then or Caller ID! So, he could call and it would ring on his end, but not mine, so I dismissed it all and could go back to what I was doing before he called without any more interruption!

It might take some time and practice not responding to her taunts, but eventually you get the hang of it.

Miserable: Remember, happiness comes from within. You can't MAKE her happy. If she's always been more or less miserable, you just have to let it slide, like her starting arguments. Don't take the bait. Does she have anything to do, either helping out with the house work or activities she likes, to keep her busy? Are there places she can go to engage with others, like the Sr Center or some church functions? Anything to get her out and about. Sitting around looking at the same four walls can drive all of us nuts! We've been living this for a while now...

Are there plans to move her to IL or AL, where she can mingle with others, hopefully playing nice? She can get more care there, be a little more "independent" and be out of your hair.

(someone mentioned "show-timing", which is what I first thought when reading just the title, but that is different. That is usually when someone with early dementia can pull up their socks and "appear" more normal, in front of others, esp doctors, so they don't realize the person has cognitive issues. Typically it only lasts long enough to get through minimal interactions, like a doctor visit or a relative briefly visiting. It wears off quickly and they are back to whatever.)
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My Mother was the same. So nice and pleasant to everyone else and nasty to me. For two years she kept getting worse. Her dementia was obvious to me but my husband thought she was just being on her worst behavior. She progressed from verbally abusing me to punching in the face one day. To keep her from punching me again I caught her fist in mid swing and held her by the wrist until she tired out. The next morning she was bemoaning the fact that old people were no longer respected by young people as she showed me the bruise on her wrist. She had no idea who did it or when. This was the last straw for me so I started to record my visits with her and filmed her demented walkabouts. She had a minor episode that took her to the ER. The nurses were telling me she would be discharged back to her home per the Dr. I asked to see the Dr. and showed her the video's. I explained that even though I had a Master's and had set up Geriatric Psych wards all over the country I was in over my head with my Mother. She decided to discharge her to a Rehabilitation facility so she could get more care which pleased my Mother and she agreed to go. She continued to decline where others could see it and she was placed in a locked memory unit within a month. This happened 2 years ago. This was the best outcome for her as she loves being waited on by staff and for me. I felt guilty at first but realize this was the best thing for her. Sometimes my mom recognizes me and sometimes she wants to know when "Diane" is going to visit her again. I tell her that I am Diane, her daughter and she says "No, I want to see the nice Diane". So I leave and return in a few minutes and she will say to me as I walk into her room, "oh, there you are, where have you been, I have missed you"
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Becca1 Mar 2021
MIL says the same thing that we have no respect for her especially when things do not go her way. It's actually gotten to the point where we don't even argue the point anymore as it's not worth it.
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Show timing. Look it up.
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joymartin62 Mar 2021
Exactly!! My mother does it all the time. Had doctors thinking that I was nuts for years.
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Well, as you can imagine, those things that are carved into our brains from the time we are toddlers are the things that last.
"So in So is coming over and you WILL be GOOD".
Think about it.
Are you not on better behavior with the strangers you meet daily, upon whom you are dependent for services, than you are with your late hubby when he comes home late to dinner?
This is the way humans are. Apparently it survives even when we are impaired.
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I think this is a very, very common behavior.

You show your 'best side' to people you don't know. It's innate in us--we want people to like us, so we behave in a manner that will most likely show ourselves in a good light.

Around those who are caring for us, living with us--we let it all out, the good, the bad, the ugly, b/c at some level, we know THEY will love us anyhow. Everyone does this, to some degree.

My mom can play up the sweet little granny to the point it's beyond kind of sickening, but she's ALWAYS been this way. People who only know my mom through church or the Sr Center she attends are always saying "Oh, she's just such a little doll! So sweet and kind!" Uh, no, she's not, but what good would it do to argue that point with them.

When mom gets sicky-sweet around people, I play stupid. Only if she is actually offensive or mean to me do I say anything about her behavior. What would be the point?
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BurntCaregiver Mar 2021
Midkid58, you hit the nail on the head when you describe the sicky-sweet behavior that is one type of performance that is reserved for different people. Sometimes it's fine to just let the person enjoy all the nice attention they get from these people. Not every time though. Like a 'showtiming' performance for their doctor or other health care provider. My mother tell them she's feeling pretty good and that she's doing okay. That is when I will tell her doctor in front of her what she actually does and says, so they have some understanding of what's really going on.
No one has to tolerate being treated with disrespect and indignity. Our homes will not be treated like a dog-house either. Our "loved ones" must have it established that their bad behavior will not be tolerated and that the family will not become servants to them because they are elderly and need care. That we will not help them or care for them if they behave abusively. The "nice as pie" performance has to extend to us as well if they need or want something or they're not getting it.
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My mom with Alzheimer's was the same way. She was often very rude to my husband and me, but she was charming with others, as other posters have noticed in their own situations. I also understand that this this quite common, unfortunately. I guess my mom felt she could let her hair down with us, and not put on airs, but these heirs were frustrated by her behavior. I even wrote a book about our trials and tribulations with this called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale."
My mom was once in the Emergency room, due to out of control behavior, but she was "Miss Congeniality" once she got there. It understandably took the hospital staff a little while to see through her pretense, as her true new self shone through. Finding a sense of humor within this "new normal" helped. She'd sometimes tell me to "Drop dead and go someplace warm" over nothing, by the way. She never spoke to anyone like that, about anything, let alone to me, about nothing. Hubby would mouth the words to me, "She's not really your mother," and he was right. After a while, I told this once very nice woman that if she wanted me to go there, I better bring sunscreen and a hat. Like I said, a sense of humor helps. Writing the book helped me too, in terms of it being a cathartic experience for me, and hoping that it helped others in the process. Best of luck.
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My mother has ALWAYS been this way. Everyone tells me how sweet and funny she is and it's all I can do to keep from asking "Are you talking about MY mother?" I wish I knew the answer to this myself. I have no advice just a sympathetic ear who knows exactly what you are experiencing.
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lotstolose Mar 2021
Mine too. Very sharp-tongued with me, but I'm constantly told by others (for years and years) how sweet and adorable she is. Just like you, I am thinking "Are you talking about MY mother?" Funny story - she is 102 now, and is losing "herself." I'm not sure she knows who I am. Why do I think that? She is pleasant with me. I prefer her this way!
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We all have company manners when we put on our best behavior. Unfortunately, it doesn't extend to those you live with. If your mom is argumentative with you it may be a sign that she is anxious. Try to get her into a routine that doesn't change much so that the schedule becomes the "boss." Also try to give her opportunities to make appropriate (think small and insignificant) decisions: place settings for meals, choice of drink, choice of movie... If those do not work, you need to talk to her doctor. If she has dementia or mental health issues, she may do better under care of a geriatric psychiatrist. Sometimes a mild anti-anxiety agent can help smooth out her agitation and/or frustrating behaviors.
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Hello, I’m new to the group so excuse me if I rambled or sound lost... but YES YES YES, my 74 year old MIL found out she had stage 3 cancer just as covid started to change the world. At the time the doctor gave her 3 to 6 months and we didn’t want her to have to be alone in a care facility so we sold her home and moved her in with us.. flash forward a year... by the grace of god she beat it and is slowing starting to recover. I say slowly only because I know she is doing better than most people believe. See durning Covid I worked from home while my husband and son’s jobs went on as normal. So naturally I became her primary caregiver. And durning the darkest time (Surgeries, chemo, & ER visits) I was the only one that could be with her so my husband & SIL left everything up to me to do what was best for their mother. So now that she is in remission and the worst is behind us, I suggested it was time to start looking into other housing options... but she made them promise her they wouldn’t make any changes until she had her strength back and was able to play an active role in process. Here is where her alter ego switch comes in... (like you said acts one way around me another around everyone else). When she is alone or it’s just us at home, she seems to have no problems finding the strength to wonder around the house looking for with ways for me to entertain her. She even manages to take her dog out and fix herself something to eat. But as soon as anyone else is around she hides out in her sitting room and acts like she don’t even have the strength to stand up. She’ll call out from her room asking stuff or for someone come and take the dog out... saying she’s to weak or afraid she might fall. Oh and My all time favorite is when she shuffles across the kitchen in front of to my husband and said.... I really wish I could help out more, but I’m just so tired all the time ... than when no one is around asks if I’ll take her to the store so she can pick up a few things... I get it she doesn’t want to go back to living alone and doesn’t want strangers taking care of her... but I can’t keep my life on hold forever, I love my MIL but didn’t sign up to be a full time caregiver.. I need more time alone with my home and my husband... 😊
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