How do you keep the rest of your family relationships healthy? My mother is not agreeable to having anyone other than myself help her.

My mother is 96 and can be left alone for a few hours. She used to resent my leaving unless it was to do her errands. If I left to spend time with my adult kids she would pout and make remarks about being alone. I usually took her with for lunches, but she wasn't able to go to grandkid ball games or mini golf etc. I finally told her that just because she wasn't physically able to attend functions, didn't mean I couldn't. I asked her why she couldnt just say "Have fun". (I never left for more than a few hours. I always made sure heer lunch was ready for her. I always made sure her phone was reachable and I never left if she was feeling ill). She has gotten better but I had to put my foot down and have repeated myself in order to get some "get away" time with myself or my kids and grandkids. If your mom can't be left alone for a few hours, then make arrangements for someone to come in... with or without your mom's permission.

For the sake of your marriage and your sanity you may want to reverse the roll of your parent /daughter relationship and set boundaries . You need to take the time to enjoy yourself once in awhile ,otherwise you will become angry and resentful and that is not good for anyone including your Mother .Don't feel guilty about leaving her to someone elses care on occasion , it is crucial that you also take care of yourself and your marriage at this trying time in your life . I know how you feel because I have been caring for my own Mother for over 11 years .

I think people get where you are, how you got there & have given some great advice with clear steps on how to make change.

So to be.. blunt..

"My Mother is not agreeable to having anyone else help her".

That sums it up & that's OK.

Think about that statement. 'My Mother is not agreeable..' It's OK Mother feels that way. She may be nervous about others, may not trust them (yet) or can't communicate well with them (yet), she trusts YOU. You understand her so it's easier for HER to have only you. But is it reasonable for YOUR life? No Ma'am it is not.

Accepting Mother's feelings are valid but are HERS to own is a big step. Mother's feelings are not instructions for you to follow or to fix the world anyway she wants. Some of us have been trained as if that were the case...

See what suits you..

"Mother, when you make a lot of requests of my time, I feel bossed around. I would rather we enjoyed our time together. So I have arranged some more helpers, to help both of us".

Or from my book of blunt;
"Mother, do you like to be bossed around? No?
I don't either".

If you can afford it hire a caregiver for a few hours a week to help you help her. Have this person first observe you working with her. Then request this person to help you with her, then ask her to fully do chore while you watch. Then leave room for a few minutes. Have this person make her meal, serve her. Sit with her while she eats. Gradually disappear for longer periods. Then run an errand while she’s there. You get the idea! If you find the right person they will become “friends.” Don’t ask her. Ease her into it. She is there for you!

If she really can't be left for ya'll to do an outing. Hire a Sitter and go.

Imho, one mistake that my husband and I made was that we never took important number wedding anniversary trips because OMG - 'What would happen if mother took ill?' Well, now my mother is no longer among the living and my DH and I are too old to travel. I do NOT advocate this. Set boundaries with YOUR mother as you are a STELLAR caregiver and still, of course, have a life.

Don't ask her. She is used to what she is used to. The older we get, the less we like change. Find your back up people and start inviting them over so mom gets to know them. You'll also get to know who interacts best with mom. Then ease in to it - you have a dr or other appt and XX is going to be here at the house in case you need something. Gradually increase this person's time in the house.

Well, when my mom was alive, she wanted to stay at home, and none of us children lived anywhere near her and most had families to care for. Nevertheless several of us offered care in their home for rehab from injuries, and when mom was able she returned to her home of 50 years, where we arranged professional live-in home care, which eventually became 24 hour with shifts during her last year. Caregiving is largely a skilled profession, not something that family members can necessarily do safely without training and experience, as well as affecting lifestyle. We visited frequently and provided respite/assistance to the professional caregivers.

I understand that she is your mother. But it is also true that we children become the one and painfully so become parent to our parents. Talk to her doctor and let him or her to make the decision as to who is caretaker that may be a live in caretaker, a place to put her for respite care.. you could hire caretaker to come in for 4 hours a day everyday and maybe she will learn to like and trust her that she won't mind if she comes while you are gone. You do need to take care of yourself and your family. If you don't you will be the one needing care instead of being the one doing the caretaking..

Immediately you point blank tell her that you are and have been taking care of her but that you also have a life to live with your own family. Starting at once, you are going to do things with them and whether she likes it or not, she will have a caretaker who reports to you. Tell her if this is not acceptable, she will be placed into a facility so you can lead your own life. You must get tough and set your boundaries and do it.

You don't ask for permission but you do slowly introduce a new care giver who is there while you are to "help you out" and then in a week or two have her be there doing the same things while you go have family time.

Init2win- I saw your post on "What's for dinner?" where you wrote that you thought you made a mistake joining this forum. I am guessing you don't like the answers you receive so far. So, I don't know if you will be back to read more responses.

In case you do come back, here's my answer your question "How do you keep the rest of the family relationship healthy?"

I keep and protect my marriage and my children from my mother's Alzheimer's disease by moving her out of my home and into her own place. She gets the care she needs from 5 rotating caregivers (me mainly, her sister, 2 paid caregivers, and my brother). Having her in my home and just me taking care of her 24/7 almost destroyed me and my family.

I read (in another thread) that you moved her into your home because of you religious belief that it was the right thing to do. Perhap, that's the best thing and the right thing in your situation. However, it doesn't mean it won't cost you and your family dearly.

I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. I get it; we were caring for my dad and it got to the point he was needing someone home more often that not. We have adult nieces and nephews in the area (dad’s grandkids) so we started having them come over to do a dinner with him so we could go out, or even come do dinner/stay the night/do breakfast so we could get away overnight. He didn’t like the idea at first but we didn’t ask - we just did it. We told him who was coming and when and that was that. If you don’t have willing family you could hire someone for a few hours.
Even that wasn’t nearly enough, but it was at least a few small breaks and you seriously need that.

You need self compassion. You are entitled to your life and family too. It’s important to realize that we often still bring the child we were when we deal with our parents as adults. That relationship is hard to change but it must if it takes you away from growing with your spouse and children. Remember, you are not guaranteed tomorrow with them either.
Seek a balance. Help your mother remember you are a mother too.

My MIL DEMANDS that my sweet SIL do ALL the care. She will allow a 'maid' in once a week to clean, but she is upset and frantic the whole time she's there.

SIL runs to MIL's house every day for some length of time. (45 min, RT) She has her scheduled for grocery delivery, but then has to go to her house to bring the gorceries IN and put them away. So, she really hasn't solved any problem. Dr calls and visits and daily things all fall on SIL.

SIL doesn't complain much, I personally would have cut this off YEARS ago and MIL would be residing in a lovely ALF, but I'm the dreaded in law who is not allowed in the house, much less make any decisions.

I do know that SIL is beyond exhausted and MIL doesn't even see it. She feels fully justified in this babying b/c her kids' father was so awful (he wasn't) and she's exacting her pound of flesh from his kids. SIL feels so abd that he her parents had a terrible marriage and she's trying to 'fix it'.

DH is way on the outside of this. He dislikes his mother and is struggling to find peace with her before she dies (she's 91, but I think will live to 100 and beyond).

The only thing I know is that the fall that breaks her hip is the fall that will land her in a NH. DH is POA and he will enact that if he has to. It will be ugly and hateful--I'm sorry to be so negative, but there is only one way that will go with her.

no one can do 24/7 care even if it is in their own home. Your Mom like a child wanting Mom all to herself must be told no. What if something happened to you? How would she manage then? Your daughter is only young once and your husband is better than a lot allowing your Mom to live with you. Set the boundaries. Hire a caregiver paid for by Mom and enjoy your life. Resentment for the lack of a life will affect your caregiving. All of you will be better off.

We had this problem with my mom. She only wanted my older Sister to do things for her. I’m In my sixties and my sister is in her 70’s. My mom didn’t realize we were older ourselves and had limitations. We had to point that out and say it takes all of us to help out.

Mom is scared; she is dependent and only is comfortable with you. It is like a child starting school. The dependency is the scariest part of aging; I know as it happens to me. But we all have our jobs in life, currently your mother's is to accept her condition and help. Your is to insist she learn to accept it from other people. What if a bus hits you, what happens to her then? Be brave!

You, not your mother, are killing your marriage and family. Your mother goes to assisted living and/or you set your schedule with the proper amount of time for your family and give it to your mother and tell her it is non-negotiable.

Keep this up and she wont have a choice because u will be seriously ill or dead from exhaustion and stress! I’ve seen it happen many times. We all know at least one person who died before the person for whom they were a caregiver/slave

Schedule some days to be "off duty," and tell ypur mother she can choose between having someone else come in to help her at home or. she can go to the senior day care center.that day..

Her money should pay for these services if she has any money. Are you using her money now to help with the expense of her cate? If she does not have enough money, it is worth the expense on your part to arrange the time off.

Hi, Init2win. I’ve just found and read your thread, and I can see why many of the suggestions seem like ‘pipe dreams’. I also first thought of CountryMouse’s idea about getting a carer in while you still there, to get mother used to them. But mother won’t pay, and you can’t or aren’t willing to pay (reasonably so). I can also see that many of the comments to ‘take the bull by the horns’ are a bit hard to cope with at this stage – you do have some freedom, mother is able to make her own decisions, and you are on your own with this. Not only does she refuse the options, she won’t pay for them – she currently has a lot of power in the situation.

I think you can’t avoid some sort of ‘bull by the horns’ approach, and perhaps it’s a case of finding the best option. I’d suggest that for some reason it is necessary for you, DH and at least younger daughter to go away for a weekend together. You tell mother that it’s fixed, and these are the options for her care while you are away. She can hire a carer, and this is the phone number (you can phone, but she is the hirer). She can go into respite care (and the ‘respite’ is for the carer, which is often misunderstood), and this is what it will cost. She can stay in a local hotel, and this is what it will cost. If she chooses to stay at home by herself, “please do your best to stay safe, and keep the phone handy for if you need to call 911”.

Of course there will be ructions. She will probably complain to the doctor (and it might help the doctor to get a better idea of her dependence level). Don’t feel guilty if it’s unsafe – it’s your life or hers, and she is old enough to know better. The current situation is certainly unsafe for you, big time.

Ideas for why it’s necessary to go away (not that you really need an excuse): Younger daughter’s school organised this, and it’s compulsory for parents to take their turn in supervising. Or younger daughter won this in a competition she signed up for, and it will break her heart not to do it (this actually happened to me, when my own younger daughter signed up for every competition at a fair, including for a half price funeral! We actually went on the holiday she won).

Ideas for paying for care: work out the care hours you provide, the cost of accommodation, food and it’s preparation, etc etc etc, and bill mother for them at the going rate. You should be doing this anyway, but probably aren’t at the commercial rate. Use the funds to pay for care, at least some starter care. If mother doesn’t like it, you already have your handy list of the options available for her.

At least this is something to think about. I hope that you can take it from there. Yours, Margaret

Init, just got your PM, very helpful.

As I said, your mom needs a new doctor.

I can't understand why a PCP who hears a caregiver talk about loss of skills, depression and anxiety wouldn't make a referral to a geriatrician, a geriatric psychiatrist or a neurologist to do further testing to figure out how to address the issues at hand.


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I so agree with CM's very kind response, but "training your dragons" also involves getting over the fact that your mother is in charge of calling the shots.

I am encouraging you to see yourself as the bus driver and not the passive passenger in this caregiver journey--one who indeed can toss a passenger off the bus for certain levels of misbehavior.

I understand that you are a dutiful daughter, doing what you've been trained to do, but your child and your marriage MUST come first.

Caregiving only works if it works for all the parties involved.

First train your dragons.

It's a three-way process involving you, the paid worker, and your mother. You will be teaching the worker how your mother likes things done, and you will also be teaching your mother to communicate her key needs to someone who isn't you. As agencies tend to send quite an array of individuals, some of whom she'll take to and some she won't so much, the second part is crucial in making your mother confident that she won't be left helpless in a stranger's hands.

It is always lovely to hear "it's nice to see you" from a client. Less lovely, in fact worrying, is to hear "thank God it's you." At first I found this very disturbing, but now that I know my co-workers better - there is not a single one who does not genuinely care about our clients - I also understand the problem better. I am not doing anything that my co-workers can't do or wouldn't do... if only the client told them what.

So for a while, playing it by ear and seeing how the progress goes, book HCAs to come and assist with your mother's everyday routines. They watch you, then they do it while you watch, then you stay in the house but leave them to it, then you go out for an hour... You get the idea. I won't guess at a timeframe but this is about developing good working relationships with both the agency and the individuals who attend the home. Eventually you should have a small team of people your mother has confidence in and you will finally be able to get proper breaks; and meanwhile at least you'll be able to share the workload.

The thing is, you took your mother in knowing that she has unaddressed mental health issues that will only worsen with age and as time goes on. The ideas you've been given have all been shot down, one after the other. The only way to effect change in your life is to be agreeable to making changes happen. You need to get your mother to a new doctor for a full psych workup and medication to help her address the anxiety/depression she suffers from so she can stop being so distrustful and perhaps start enjoying her life a bit more, thereby allowing YOU to enjoy your lives a little bit more. As it stands right now, you're all trapped inside of HER dysfunctional bubble of fear and anxiety/depression, unable & unwilling to move outside of it to find a more relaxed and enjoyable lifestyle.

Fear, anxiety & depression are crippling to all who come in contact with it and are forced to endure it every day. You've exposed yourself, your husband and your children to this now that your mother is a fixture inside of your home and nobody has an escape; mother is holding you ALL hostage now!

Until you put your foot down and say ENOUGH, you'll stay trapped in this cycle of your mother's mental health issues. That's a huge price for your family to pay, isn't it?

Wishing you the best of luck making some well deserved changes in all of your family's lives.

Imagine the resentment your family must feel toward this situation. They’ve been put on a back burner and certainly must miss your real presence. Please choose them, you won’t regret it.

Also, Google "Fear, Obligation and Guilt", often known as F.O.G.

I watched my elderly grandma manipulate my mom ( orctry to) with this forcyears.

"My how you've changed".

"You'll be sorry when I'm gone".

(Insert huge sigh here).

Mom learned to say " Then I guess you'll have to go stay with one of the "boys" (one was an alcoholic, living in a Bowery mission on good days, the other lived far away and was married to HER).

Grandma learned to cooperate. So can your mom.

But you need to stop allowing her to play you.

It's YOUR house and YOUR family. Your rules.

Let her pout.

I don't understand this: "She doesn't qualify for Medicaid because she doesn't have any medical bills and they have not diagnosed her with anything requiring assistance."

Your mother is an elderly lady who cannot be left alone. She is an elderly lady of limited means. She is an elderly lady who at the very least should see a primary care physician and an opthamologist one a year.

Does she qualify as a single person based on her income ( which I assume is just SS? Have you asked?

Does she pay her share of costs for food and utilities?

Your mother HAS needs and is apparently dictating to you that YOUR wants and needs don't matter.

Has it always been thus?

Eta, just read your update. She needs a new doctor. You can deposit her in respite care. If she won't be reasonable about this, I would tell her she needs to find someplace else to live. Two can play at "unreasonable" as easily as one.

Your choices are either establishing a balance that will provide time, freedom, and refreshment for you, your husband, and your children, or NO BALANCE at all, because Mama says so.

You are placed in the unfortunate position of having “trained” Mama to use you as SHE has chosen to do so.

If you are going to dissolve into guilty acceptance, sorry, but that’s on YOU, NOT ON MAMA. She’s using the only tool she has, and you’ve accepted that 100%.

”Mom, we have to go out for a couple hours because none of our buggy whips are still worth using, and (husband, daughter) and I want to go to the factory and select our buggy whips ourselves. We’re going to be home before supper. You’ll need some company so Mrs. Haverstraw from Church is coming in around 1 pm, before we leave, and SHE’LL help you use the bathroom and have your snack while we’re out”.

Tell Mom your intentions while you serve her lunch, then let her pout (cry, grumble, etc.) get Mrs. Haverstraw in and settled, THEN LEAVE.

REPEAT a couple times a week, then increase length and frequency of outings.

The “rest of your family relationships” are NOT HEALTHY NOW, and CANNOT BE until you come to terms with the fact that Mama won’t die because you leave for an hour walking around Walmart, AND NO ONE CAN MAKING YOU FEEL GUILTY UNLESS YOUARE ALLOWING THEM TO DO SO.

Your mother may well have been a wonderful vibrant active engaged woman when she was younger, but age and illness have stolen that from her. That Does not Giver the right to spend ALL OF YOUR LIFE, or the lives of your OTHER LOVED ONES, from you.

Be brave, be confident, enjoy resuming family activities, and be at peace with the knowledge that “guilt” has NEVER done a single positive thing for anyone it has attempted to consume.