How do you keep the rest of your family relationships healthy? My mother is not agreeable to having anyone other than myself help her.

It's not acceptable that your mother gets to dictate how YOU live YOUR life inside of your own home while she's a guest there! She either accepts caregivers coming in to care for her X amount of days per week while you go out and tend to YOUR life events or she can go live in Assisted Living full time instead. "Guilt" should play no part in your decision to hire paid caregivers *on your mother's dime* either because indentured servitude was not part of the bargain you made when you invited her to come live with you 2.5 years ago.

I take it there is some dementia at play here and why she's acting this way? Whether that is a factor or not doesn't really matter either. What does matter is that you strike a happy medium between living your own life and caring for your mother. Otherwise, resentment kicks in and everybody loses. Your husband gets angry, you feel pulled at every end, and nobody is happy in the long run. I suggest you set up a regular schedule of caregivers coming into your home so that you have some free time every week beginning now. Get mother used to the new rules immediately. That will give you a chance to go out and have lunch, get your hair done, shop, etc. Plus it will get your mother accustomed to a new person in her life that she will likely become friends with.

Wishing you the best of luck setting down some new rules in your own home so you can take day trips and have some fun!

Your mother is not your boss and does not get to dictate terms to you. You are letting her live with you and taking care of her. That's A LOT!! You deserve and need to have time with your husband and children.

I assume that it is not safe for her to be alone so whether she likes it or not, a caregiver needs to be introduced into your household. Maybe you need to hire, with her money, someone for a few hours a day a couple times a week to come to the house for your mom to get used to them. Then you can start slipping away during those hours, even if you just go take a walk or do errands. The person can be there to do the dishes and the laundry. And chat with your mom and help her with some basic things and get her a meal. Or whatever you and the caregiver agree upon.

Your mom may not like it, but this really is not about her. It's not all about her, sorry to say. You and the rest of your family matter to and must be given the time and attention they deserve.

Wow! You have let your mom control what you can and can't do, and she's living in YOUR house. Now what is wrong with that picture? It's time to put your foot down, and let her know that as of today, things will be changing. And if she doesn't like it, guess what? She can go to the appropriate facility, and you can really get your life back. You've given up enough of your life, time you'll never get back. It's time to make some big changes!!! Hoping and praying that you'll once and for all put you, your husband and children first.

"Yes, Mom. I need someone else to take care of you when I need to be with my family because you need more help that I alone can give".

Does your mom have dementia or is she "just" selfish?

I think that you are a grown woman and need to tell her that she needs to accept that you are not doing this alone. If she can't or won't deal with anyone else in your home helping her, then it is time for her to go to a facility.

When she starts with the guilt trip about pushing her off on someone else, yep! That is exactly what I am doing because my family and myself need time with one another. Sorry you don't like it but, I can promise you that you will not like the alternative if you don't stop with the self centered attitude. Everyone in the house matters, all of their needs matter and she can come to terms with that or relocate.

Sounds harsh, yep, but for crying out loud, she has manipulated the situation and you are losing time with your children that you will never have again, the 13 year old trumps her every single time.

I am with everyone else. Can use COVID as an excuse for 1.5 of those years. Maybe a year for an adjustment? But now with the Country opening up...you need to set boundries and stick to them. Did she not hire babysitters for you? Then you do the same for her. You set up people to be with her so you can be with your family. Your daughter needs you. You will blink your eyes and she is an adult.

If Mom has money, I would suggest an AL. There will be so much more she can do there. My Mom coukdn't participate in Bingo but she enjoyed sitting and watching people. She loved when they had entertainment. I agree, use her money. If she is considered low income then check out Medicaid for in home.

I feel your pain! I lived your life for the 15 years that mom lived with me. She was dependent on me because I was the one closest to her.

By the time that I found this forum, I was so fragile, that I felt as if I would break into a million little pieces if I were criticized in any way, shape or form. I was in need of all the comfort I could get. I don’t think I could have even handled helpful, constructive criticism. Criticism was the very last thing I needed at that particular point in my life. No one knows how it feels unless they have walked in our shoes. I had no clue how hard full time caregiving was until I did it myself. You may not feel the impact as deeply as I did because my caregiving years lasted so long.

I was completely exhausted, felt a bazillion other emotions too and was burning out!

We become fragile, lost, develop anxiety and depression as caregivers. Some people are compassionate towards us and throw us a lifeline to hold onto until we are able to get our bearings. Others kick us when we are down, and not understanding at all of what we are going through. It’s a mixed bag of emotions, for sure.

Seeking the help of an objective professional was the most useful thing that I did for myself. My therapist was amazing and he helped me to help myself. Many people on this forum helped me as well. Some of them had been in my shoes and they truly understood. Don’t discount others being able to help because they have never been ‘hands on’ caregivers. Some of these people helped me the most because I was able to see the other side.

Sooner or later, you will find those people that you personally connect with. Take advantage of those connections and learn from their experiences. Later on, you will be able to help others in the same situation.

You need time for yourself. This isn’t a luxury. It’s a necessity. If not, you will crash and burn. You are equally as important as the one that you are caring for. In order for you to be your best, you have to care for yourself too.

In person caregiver groups are amazing. I participated in one that was led by a social worker. I learned a lot and received helpful information.

In the end, it’s about balance, peace and joy in our lives. We all need this in our lives. Do whatever you need to do to achieve it. Some people continue to be caregivers at home with help. Others choose facility care. There is no ‘right or wrong’ way as long as you find a healthy balance in your life.

Wishing you peace during these challenging times.

Could your 26-year-old daughter who still lives at home and your 13-year-old home-schooled son occupy your mother so you and your husband can get away for a few hours?

If you mean your whole family needs to get away for a few hours, do you have a sibling who can come visit, or a neighbor, or someone from church who can come visit.

My mother has been living with us since June 2018 and for over the last year we have not been comfortable leaving her by herself because she is a fall risk. When I had cataract surgery, I had a friend ( who also helps with cleaning) come clean and keep an eye on Mom. When my husband had a heart attack and was admitted to a hospital 1-1/2 hours away, the same friend came over and sat with mom until my brother (who lives 6-1/2 hours away) could get here.

Mom is now in hospice and we used to have a hospice volunteer who came by every few weeks and we could go out to eat while she was here, but those visits have been suspended for the foreseeable future.

I don't know if your mother is trying to manipulate you or if she's afraid of being left in someone else's care because they can't take care of her like you can, but for your, your family's and especially your mother's sake, try to find a backup, like when my hubby had a heart attack.

Please take care of yourself in addition to those you love.

Mom is 92 and not true dementia, more age senility. Her behavior is not any different from when she was younger, sadly. We do not live near any other family and I am the only one healthy enough to help her. We moved her in with us after my father died because she couldn't afford to live alone. My oldest daughter needs to work trying to get on her own feet so she can't take time off to care for her. My younger daughter has anxiety and depression and not mature enough to handle caring for her grandmother. My oldest does help when she can but we are not able to go anywhere for very long as a family. My mother is very depressed and new to the area so there isn't anyone else she knows here. I tried taking her to a senior center but she had me pick her back up right away. She had a panic attack because they wouldn't lead her by tge hand. She was told she had to get around herself but she got scared and wouldn't do it. She won't go back. When I suggested we get someone to help she tried to say she doesn't need help and tried doing things herself again. She has liked being cared for by my dad for many years so what she can do and what she just doesn't want to do are hard to determine sometimes. We have an apartment inside our house for her so she has some independence.
Thanks for all the suggestions. Considering an appointment with her doctor so they can determine her real needs.

Your mom is in need of a "needs assessment" by the local Area Agency on Aging.

She needs a workup by a good Geriatric Psychiatrist (it sounds to me like there is anxiety and long standing mental illness or depre5ssion at play).

Age senility? Who told you that?

This is dementia.

You reply to her, yes, Mum I am pushing your care off onto another person. I have plans and I am not available.

And Guess What? You are paying for the care provider.

Time for some firm boundaries. Mum I will be away from the house and a carer will be hired and paid for with your funds. I do not owe you any explanation as to where I am going or what I am doing. I will no longer be at your beck and call 24/7.

There is no need to feel guilty.

Here's my suggestion:

Your mom has been living with you for 2 1/2 years and you are her sole caregiver.
The fact that you took this on willingly is commendable and you have my deepest admiration for doing so.
I say all the time that caregiving can only be successful when it's done on the caregiver's terms. Not the care recipient's.
It sure sounds to me like your mother is the one setting the terms of the caregiving in your house. When this happens it will lead to resentment, caregiver burnout, and many times risk of elder abuse. No one wants that, but it happens and often. So mom dictating when and where you can go and for how long, stops today.
Mom needs a little tough love from you now. I know how hard it will be for you, but it's for her own good as well as yours. You can put an end to her refusal of allowing anyone but you to take care of her 7 days a week.
This is how. Plan a vacation and arrange suitable care for her. This can be family members taking it in turns to stay at your house with her. Or a paid caregiver willing to take a short term live-in assignment. Or even a respite stay in a nursing home or LTC for the time you'll be away.
Speak to your family first about them helping out to cover the care for her while you and your husband go on a vacation.
Then a few days before you leave tell your mother about it. Where you're going and for how long. Make it clear to her who will be taking care of her and where if you're planning to have her stay somewhere other than your house.
Let her ask questions if she has any, and answer them within reason. Let her fuss about it or complain as much as she wants. Ignore it. No one ever died from fussiness or not getting their own way.
Then let that be the end of it.
No more discussion about it. After you've explained to her and she's asked her questions, the discussing of it is finished.
Then go on your vacation. It will be fine. Your mother will be fine.
Bon Voyage and have a good time! You deserve it.

To be clear, many have suggested getting help from family, we do not have any here or elsewhere physically able to help. Both of my siblings are not well and require care of their own . As for making my mother pay for care, she moved in with us because she couldn't afford living alone. Any care she would pay for would be few and far between. She doesn't qualify for Medicaid because she doesn't have any medical bills and they have not diagnosed her with anything requiring assistance. All the suggestions sound great but most are a pipe dream. A vacation would be great but you have to be able to afford that too. I would never go behind her back and use her money for anything she doesn't agree to either. She doesn't even like me to reimburse myself for her phone bill without her signature on the check after I write it. She doesn't trust anyone.

Your choices are either establishing a balance that will provide time, freedom, and refreshment for you, your husband, and your children, or NO BALANCE at all, because Mama says so.

You are placed in the unfortunate position of having “trained” Mama to use you as SHE has chosen to do so.

If you are going to dissolve into guilty acceptance, sorry, but that’s on YOU, NOT ON MAMA. She’s using the only tool she has, and you’ve accepted that 100%.

”Mom, we have to go out for a couple hours because none of our buggy whips are still worth using, and (husband, daughter) and I want to go to the factory and select our buggy whips ourselves. We’re going to be home before supper. You’ll need some company so Mrs. Haverstraw from Church is coming in around 1 pm, before we leave, and SHE’LL help you use the bathroom and have your snack while we’re out”.

Tell Mom your intentions while you serve her lunch, then let her pout (cry, grumble, etc.) get Mrs. Haverstraw in and settled, THEN LEAVE.

REPEAT a couple times a week, then increase length and frequency of outings.

The “rest of your family relationships” are NOT HEALTHY NOW, and CANNOT BE until you come to terms with the fact that Mama won’t die because you leave for an hour walking around Walmart, AND NO ONE CAN MAKING YOU FEEL GUILTY UNLESS YOUARE ALLOWING THEM TO DO SO.

Your mother may well have been a wonderful vibrant active engaged woman when she was younger, but age and illness have stolen that from her. That Does not Giver the right to spend ALL OF YOUR LIFE, or the lives of your OTHER LOVED ONES, from you.

Be brave, be confident, enjoy resuming family activities, and be at peace with the knowledge that “guilt” has NEVER done a single positive thing for anyone it has attempted to consume.

I don't understand this: "She doesn't qualify for Medicaid because she doesn't have any medical bills and they have not diagnosed her with anything requiring assistance."

Your mother is an elderly lady who cannot be left alone. She is an elderly lady of limited means. She is an elderly lady who at the very least should see a primary care physician and an opthamologist one a year.

Does she qualify as a single person based on her income ( which I assume is just SS? Have you asked?

Does she pay her share of costs for food and utilities?

Your mother HAS needs and is apparently dictating to you that YOUR wants and needs don't matter.

Has it always been thus?

Eta, just read your update. She needs a new doctor. You can deposit her in respite care. If she won't be reasonable about this, I would tell her she needs to find someplace else to live. Two can play at "unreasonable" as easily as one.

Also, Google "Fear, Obligation and Guilt", often known as F.O.G.

I watched my elderly grandma manipulate my mom ( orctry to) with this forcyears.

"My how you've changed".

"You'll be sorry when I'm gone".

(Insert huge sigh here).

Mom learned to say " Then I guess you'll have to go stay with one of the "boys" (one was an alcoholic, living in a Bowery mission on good days, the other lived far away and was married to HER).

Grandma learned to cooperate. So can your mom.

But you need to stop allowing her to play you.

It's YOUR house and YOUR family. Your rules.

Let her pout.

Imagine the resentment your family must feel toward this situation. They’ve been put on a back burner and certainly must miss your real presence. Please choose them, you won’t regret it.

The thing is, you took your mother in knowing that she has unaddressed mental health issues that will only worsen with age and as time goes on. The ideas you've been given have all been shot down, one after the other. The only way to effect change in your life is to be agreeable to making changes happen. You need to get your mother to a new doctor for a full psych workup and medication to help her address the anxiety/depression she suffers from so she can stop being so distrustful and perhaps start enjoying her life a bit more, thereby allowing YOU to enjoy your lives a little bit more. As it stands right now, you're all trapped inside of HER dysfunctional bubble of fear and anxiety/depression, unable & unwilling to move outside of it to find a more relaxed and enjoyable lifestyle.

Fear, anxiety & depression are crippling to all who come in contact with it and are forced to endure it every day. You've exposed yourself, your husband and your children to this now that your mother is a fixture inside of your home and nobody has an escape; mother is holding you ALL hostage now!

Until you put your foot down and say ENOUGH, you'll stay trapped in this cycle of your mother's mental health issues. That's a huge price for your family to pay, isn't it?

Wishing you the best of luck making some well deserved changes in all of your family's lives.

First train your dragons.

It's a three-way process involving you, the paid worker, and your mother. You will be teaching the worker how your mother likes things done, and you will also be teaching your mother to communicate her key needs to someone who isn't you. As agencies tend to send quite an array of individuals, some of whom she'll take to and some she won't so much, the second part is crucial in making your mother confident that she won't be left helpless in a stranger's hands.

It is always lovely to hear "it's nice to see you" from a client. Less lovely, in fact worrying, is to hear "thank God it's you." At first I found this very disturbing, but now that I know my co-workers better - there is not a single one who does not genuinely care about our clients - I also understand the problem better. I am not doing anything that my co-workers can't do or wouldn't do... if only the client told them what.

So for a while, playing it by ear and seeing how the progress goes, book HCAs to come and assist with your mother's everyday routines. They watch you, then they do it while you watch, then you stay in the house but leave them to it, then you go out for an hour... You get the idea. I won't guess at a timeframe but this is about developing good working relationships with both the agency and the individuals who attend the home. Eventually you should have a small team of people your mother has confidence in and you will finally be able to get proper breaks; and meanwhile at least you'll be able to share the workload.

I so agree with CM's very kind response, but "training your dragons" also involves getting over the fact that your mother is in charge of calling the shots.

I am encouraging you to see yourself as the bus driver and not the passive passenger in this caregiver journey--one who indeed can toss a passenger off the bus for certain levels of misbehavior.

I understand that you are a dutiful daughter, doing what you've been trained to do, but your child and your marriage MUST come first.

Caregiving only works if it works for all the parties involved.

Init, just got your PM, very helpful.

As I said, your mom needs a new doctor.

I can't understand why a PCP who hears a caregiver talk about loss of skills, depression and anxiety wouldn't make a referral to a geriatrician, a geriatric psychiatrist or a neurologist to do further testing to figure out how to address the issues at hand.


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Hi, Init2win. I’ve just found and read your thread, and I can see why many of the suggestions seem like ‘pipe dreams’. I also first thought of CountryMouse’s idea about getting a carer in while you still there, to get mother used to them. But mother won’t pay, and you can’t or aren’t willing to pay (reasonably so). I can also see that many of the comments to ‘take the bull by the horns’ are a bit hard to cope with at this stage – you do have some freedom, mother is able to make her own decisions, and you are on your own with this. Not only does she refuse the options, she won’t pay for them – she currently has a lot of power in the situation.

I think you can’t avoid some sort of ‘bull by the horns’ approach, and perhaps it’s a case of finding the best option. I’d suggest that for some reason it is necessary for you, DH and at least younger daughter to go away for a weekend together. You tell mother that it’s fixed, and these are the options for her care while you are away. She can hire a carer, and this is the phone number (you can phone, but she is the hirer). She can go into respite care (and the ‘respite’ is for the carer, which is often misunderstood), and this is what it will cost. She can stay in a local hotel, and this is what it will cost. If she chooses to stay at home by herself, “please do your best to stay safe, and keep the phone handy for if you need to call 911”.

Of course there will be ructions. She will probably complain to the doctor (and it might help the doctor to get a better idea of her dependence level). Don’t feel guilty if it’s unsafe – it’s your life or hers, and she is old enough to know better. The current situation is certainly unsafe for you, big time.

Ideas for why it’s necessary to go away (not that you really need an excuse): Younger daughter’s school organised this, and it’s compulsory for parents to take their turn in supervising. Or younger daughter won this in a competition she signed up for, and it will break her heart not to do it (this actually happened to me, when my own younger daughter signed up for every competition at a fair, including for a half price funeral! We actually went on the holiday she won).

Ideas for paying for care: work out the care hours you provide, the cost of accommodation, food and it’s preparation, etc etc etc, and bill mother for them at the going rate. You should be doing this anyway, but probably aren’t at the commercial rate. Use the funds to pay for care, at least some starter care. If mother doesn’t like it, you already have your handy list of the options available for her.

At least this is something to think about. I hope that you can take it from there. Yours, Margaret

Schedule some days to be "off duty," and tell ypur mother she can choose between having someone else come in to help her at home or. she can go to the senior day care center.that day..

Her money should pay for these services if she has any money. Are you using her money now to help with the expense of her cate? If she does not have enough money, it is worth the expense on your part to arrange the time off.

Keep this up and she wont have a choice because u will be seriously ill or dead from exhaustion and stress! I’ve seen it happen many times. We all know at least one person who died before the person for whom they were a caregiver/slave

You, not your mother, are killing your marriage and family. Your mother goes to assisted living and/or you set your schedule with the proper amount of time for your family and give it to your mother and tell her it is non-negotiable.

Mom is scared; she is dependent and only is comfortable with you. It is like a child starting school. The dependency is the scariest part of aging; I know as it happens to me. But we all have our jobs in life, currently your mother's is to accept her condition and help. Your is to insist she learn to accept it from other people. What if a bus hits you, what happens to her then? Be brave!

We had this problem with my mom. She only wanted my older Sister to do things for her. I’m In my sixties and my sister is in her 70’s. My mom didn’t realize we were older ourselves and had limitations. We had to point that out and say it takes all of us to help out.

no one can do 24/7 care even if it is in their own home. Your Mom like a child wanting Mom all to herself must be told no. What if something happened to you? How would she manage then? Your daughter is only young once and your husband is better than a lot allowing your Mom to live with you. Set the boundaries. Hire a caregiver paid for by Mom and enjoy your life. Resentment for the lack of a life will affect your caregiving. All of you will be better off.

My MIL DEMANDS that my sweet SIL do ALL the care. She will allow a 'maid' in once a week to clean, but she is upset and frantic the whole time she's there.

SIL runs to MIL's house every day for some length of time. (45 min, RT) She has her scheduled for grocery delivery, but then has to go to her house to bring the gorceries IN and put them away. So, she really hasn't solved any problem. Dr calls and visits and daily things all fall on SIL.

SIL doesn't complain much, I personally would have cut this off YEARS ago and MIL would be residing in a lovely ALF, but I'm the dreaded in law who is not allowed in the house, much less make any decisions.

I do know that SIL is beyond exhausted and MIL doesn't even see it. She feels fully justified in this babying b/c her kids' father was so awful (he wasn't) and she's exacting her pound of flesh from his kids. SIL feels so abd that he her parents had a terrible marriage and she's trying to 'fix it'.

DH is way on the outside of this. He dislikes his mother and is struggling to find peace with her before she dies (she's 91, but I think will live to 100 and beyond).

The only thing I know is that the fall that breaks her hip is the fall that will land her in a NH. DH is POA and he will enact that if he has to. It will be ugly and hateful--I'm sorry to be so negative, but there is only one way that will go with her.

You need self compassion. You are entitled to your life and family too. It’s important to realize that we often still bring the child we were when we deal with our parents as adults. That relationship is hard to change but it must if it takes you away from growing with your spouse and children. Remember, you are not guaranteed tomorrow with them either.
Seek a balance. Help your mother remember you are a mother too.