How do you keep the rest of your family relationships healthy? My mother is not agreeable to having anyone other than myself help her.

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How do you keep the rest of your family relationships healthy? My mother is not agreeable to having anyone other than myself help her.

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I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. I get it; we were caring for my dad and it got to the point he was needing someone home more often that not. We have adult nieces and nephews in the area (dad’s grandkids) so we started having them come over to do a dinner with him so we could go out, or even come do dinner/stay the night/do breakfast so we could get away overnight. He didn’t like the idea at first but we didn’t ask - we just did it. We told him who was coming and when and that was that. If you don’t have willing family you could hire someone for a few hours.
Even that wasn’t nearly enough, but it was at least a few small breaks and you seriously need that.

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Init2win- I saw your post on "What's for dinner?" where you wrote that you thought you made a mistake joining this forum. I am guessing you don't like the answers you receive so far. So, I don't know if you will be back to read more responses.

In case you do come back, here's my answer your question "How do you keep the rest of the family relationship healthy?"

I keep and protect my marriage and my children from my mother's Alzheimer's disease by moving her out of my home and into her own place. She gets the care she needs from 5 rotating caregivers (me mainly, her sister, 2 paid caregivers, and my brother). Having her in my home and just me taking care of her 24/7 almost destroyed me and my family.

I read (in another thread) that you moved her into your home because of you religious belief that it was the right thing to do. Perhap, that's the best thing and the right thing in your situation. However, it doesn't mean it won't cost you and your family dearly.

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You don't ask for permission but you do slowly introduce a new care giver who is there while you are to "help you out" and then in a week or two have her be there doing the same things while you go have family time.

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Immediately you point blank tell her that you are and have been taking care of her but that you also have a life to live with your own family. Starting at once, you are going to do things with them and whether she likes it or not, she will have a caretaker who reports to you. Tell her if this is not acceptable, she will be placed into a facility so you can lead your own life. You must get tough and set your boundaries and do it.

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I understand that she is your mother. But it is also true that we children become the one and painfully so become parent to our parents. Talk to her doctor and let him or her to make the decision as to who is caretaker that may be a live in caretaker, a place to put her for respite care.. you could hire caretaker to come in for 4 hours a day everyday and maybe she will learn to like and trust her that she won't mind if she comes while you are gone. You do need to take care of yourself and your family. If you don't you will be the one needing care instead of being the one doing the caretaking..

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Well, when my mom was alive, she wanted to stay at home, and none of us children lived anywhere near her and most had families to care for. Nevertheless several of us offered care in their home for rehab from injuries, and when mom was able she returned to her home of 50 years, where we arranged professional live-in home care, which eventually became 24 hour with shifts during her last year. Caregiving is largely a skilled profession, not something that family members can necessarily do safely without training and experience, as well as affecting lifestyle. We visited frequently and provided respite/assistance to the professional caregivers.

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Don't ask her. She is used to what she is used to. The older we get, the less we like change. Find your back up people and start inviting them over so mom gets to know them. You'll also get to know who interacts best with mom. Then ease in to it - you have a dr or other appt and XX is going to be here at the house in case you need something. Gradually increase this person's time in the house.

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Imho, one mistake that my husband and I made was that we never took important number wedding anniversary trips because OMG - 'What would happen if mother took ill?' Well, now my mother is no longer among the living and my DH and I are too old to travel. I do NOT advocate this. Set boundaries with YOUR mother as you are a STELLAR caregiver and still, of course, have a life.

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If she really can't be left for ya'll to do an outing. Hire a Sitter and go.

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If you can afford it hire a caregiver for a few hours a week to help you help her. Have this person first observe you working with her. Then request this person to help you with her, then ask her to fully do chore while you watch. Then leave room for a few minutes. Have this person make her meal, serve her. Sit with her while she eats. Gradually disappear for longer periods. Then run an errand while she’s there. You get the idea! If you find the right person they will become “friends.” Don’t ask her. Ease her into it. She is there for you!

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I think people get where you are, how you got there & have given some great advice with clear steps on how to make change.

So to be.. blunt..

"My Mother is not agreeable to having anyone else help her".

That sums it up & that's OK.

Think about that statement. 'My Mother is not agreeable..' It's OK Mother feels that way. She may be nervous about others, may not trust them (yet) or can't communicate well with them (yet), she trusts YOU. You understand her so it's easier for HER to have only you. But is it reasonable for YOUR life? No Ma'am it is not.

Accepting Mother's feelings are valid but are HERS to own is a big step. Mother's feelings are not instructions for you to follow or to fix the world anyway she wants. Some of us have been trained as if that were the case...

See what suits you..

"Mother, when you make a lot of requests of my time, I feel bossed around. I would rather we enjoyed our time together. So I have arranged some more helpers, to help both of us".

Or from my book of blunt;
"Mother, do you like to be bossed around? No?
I don't either".

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Thank you for your comments and I do appreciate everyone's input. My comment about the forum was not because it wasn't helpful, just a bit depressing reading a lot of it.
I am making the plans for care so that was what my original question was for, "how do you..." I am well aware I can not give my mother the best care she deserves at some point. My suggestions to her are getting her ready for what will happen. She can still do most things herself and lives in her apartment that is built into our house. She can be left alone and I do, but not more than 3 hours unless my oldest daughter is able to be home from work and help. This is only because of medication and food preparation. She and I both know she will need more care as time goes on. When I said she won't take help from others, I meant paid help. We do not live near anyone else she knows and with Covid she hasn't been able to gain a support system of friends by meeting new people. The question I am researching currently is cost of in home care and trying a day trip soon. We have not asked any financial contributions from my mother for staying with us other than her own cable and phone in her apartment. Her income is only a very low ss so she needs what she has to pay for doctor, medication and any future in home care. It is a catch 22 because having the small savings for needs and care has kept her from getting medicaid. I understand her tight fist when it comes to money because we grew up poor and she lived during the depression with 15 siblings. I have requested an appointment with her doctor to discuss help with care again but they have not gotten back to me. Finding a new, better doctor is not impossible but tough in this area. I am researching who will take a 92 yo new patient.
Again, I am thankful for all the comments and I am listening to all of it. If I were not willing to do the hard things, I would not have asked the questions. Just wanted to hear how others have done it if they had similar situations.

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For the sake of your marriage and your sanity you may want to reverse the roll of your parent /daughter relationship and set boundaries . You need to take the time to enjoy yourself once in awhile ,otherwise you will become angry and resentful and that is not good for anyone including your Mother .Don't feel guilty about leaving her to someone elses care on occasion , it is crucial that you also take care of yourself and your marriage at this trying time in your life . I know how you feel because I have been caring for my own Mother for over 11 years .

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My mother is 96 and can be left alone for a few hours. She used to resent my leaving unless it was to do her errands. If I left to spend time with my adult kids she would pout and make remarks about being alone. I usually took her with for lunches, but she wasn't able to go to grandkid ball games or mini golf etc. I finally told her that just because she wasn't physically able to attend functions, didn't mean I couldn't. I asked her why she couldnt just say "Have fun". (I never left for more than a few hours. I always made sure heer lunch was ready for her. I always made sure her phone was reachable and I never left if she was feeling ill). She has gotten better but I had to put my foot down and have repeated myself in order to get some "get away" time with myself or my kids and grandkids. If your mom can't be left alone for a few hours, then make arrangements for someone to come in... with or without your mom's permission.

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How do you keep the rest of your family relationships healthy? My mother is not agreeable to having anyone other than myself help her.

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