My mother will be 95 this week and has advanced macular degeneration and she is currently living with me. Every couple of days she will accuse me of playing tricks on her and intentionally aggravating her by hiding things or taking her things (some of which were never here). This evening she could not find the remote control; I waited to walk back to her room with her to show her it was on the pillow lined up next to her other gadgets. She insisted I snuck it in the room and put it there. She got irate; accused me of being cruel, mean, and said "You are going to pay for your actions one day!" From this it escalates into attacking me on a personal level for how I live, accuses me of not going to church, tells me I don't care about anyone but myself, and it goes on and on until I walk out of the room. No matter how I try to calmly defend myself by telling her I am not hiding her things and it would serve no purpose for me to do that, she calls me a liar. But at this point, logic is of no importance to her and she is ALWAYS right (has been her entire life) and there seems to be nothing I can say to get her to believe me. So I typically say I'm sorry if you don't believe me but I'm not going to argue with you and walk away from her. Once this starts, she remains agitated for hours, pacing out of her room to hurl some more insults at me until she can get a reaction. Then she tries to talk to my husband if he's there and tell him something is wrong with me, after he has witnessed the entire interaction so he will not engage her.
The next day is usually better because she has to come to me to eat so she is nice when she wants me to wait on her.
I have an appointment with a geriatric psychiatrist 10 days from now in order to get her medications adjusted which her primary care doctor will no longer handle. My mother has a longstanding history of depression and anxiety. I am also waiting for a small assisted living facility to open sometime this month and she will be moving there because I cannot deal with the antagonism living with her. This is my 3rd attempt to take care of her in my home and it is a repeat everytime. The antagonistic relationship with her children has existed for the past 30 years primarily due to conflict over her hoarding behaviors, refusal to get help or get rid of anything. Now with some dementia, the antagonism is magnified. Believe me, the arguments are heated and she is so agitated she has called the police on me once, wandered away another time, and threatened to call the police last week.
So I understand some of this is a common behavor with dementia patients and I am wondering if anyone has any practical suggestions for how to handle it "in the moment" to keep her from escalating into the personal level attacks?
Thanking you in advance for any input!
You sound exhausted and desperate and I'm so sorry. We at the Forum can empathize.
You have received good and supportive advice. The only thing I can think to add is testing for a UTI when she has hallucinations. Surely the hospital would have included it, but nonetheless, I thought it worth repeating. It took me a long time to believe my MIL's behavior could be attributed to UTIs. UTIs in the elderly take on a whole life of their own and it can be downright bizarre.
I'm glad you're looking into ALF. You and Hubby deserve a break and need to enjoy your life.
Good luck. Warm fuzzies coming your way.....
may serve as a way to relieve boredom.
Still disengaging is best (I found that defending myself just prolonged things and just wore me down) but also finding a way to create a soothing environment for yourself and husband, as well as your paranoid angry mom. Maybe some essential oils for calming or soothing music? Some meditative art work. I dont' know if she's a member of a church but perhaps reaching out to pastor to arrange some visits might help. BPD and narcissism (they kind of go hand in hand) can cause this relentless self focus and anger, they tend to need to feel very important. So
visits from someone with status, or asking her opinions about the news or talk shows etc can keep her engaged in something less destructive. At least for awhile
Here's hoping that spot in AL opens sooner than later!! Good luck!
do not let her goad you into an argument. Don't even try to defend yourself, you have nothing to defend yourself from. And you will NEVER win.
Just agree to what she said, yup you are right I moved the remote, yes you are right, I don't go to church...and walk away. Or don't even respond just walk away.
Hang in there until the small Assisted Living spot opens. And if it is full or there are problems get her on list at another. If you can not live under the same roof don't put yourself through the aggravation.
Please keep telling us in hopeless situations that we won’t win the argument or debate! I have that problem at times, then I feel so foolish later by trying to reason with the unreasonable. Keep reminding us! Please!
It is difficult to describe a personality and the multitude of recent events impacting my mother without writing pages so I did leave out recent hospitalizations (for onset of hallucinations and then a fall during Thanksgiving week), change in anxiety meds, and sadly a new primary care doctor in 2018 who really does not want to deal with her or see her in follow-up on a regular basis. There has been no formal diagnosis of dementia even after hospitalization in November. My mother has been blaming us on and off for 20+ years for her lost items because she had a flood in her condo from a broken washer hose at the time and we had to remove everything and redo the carpet and floors and all of her hoard was boxed and put into storage and then upon her insistence, eventually brought back to her. So her condo has been in disarray since then and I would venture to say really since she moved there simply because there wasn't enough space for everything she wanted to keep as well as continued to buy. Aside from hoarding behaviors, she was quite lucid. The doctors all remarked about memory and cognition. That is why it has been so hard to recognize her behavior as dementia, until this past year, and really recent months. I do plan on leaning on the psychiatrist for guidance regarding neurological work-up, and reaching out to the cardiologist by phone.
Do any distraction techniques work? Is it ever possible to divert her to other topics of conversation, or other activities?
I am sure you are taking the right steps in finding a good placement for her, but may I suggest you wait for the psych assessment before deciding on the ALF? (No chance you can bring that forward, is there?)
I wish I did have something to offer. This must be just awful for you. Hugs.
Don't defend yourself. Try " I'm so sorry it's missing. Can I help you look?"
"I'm so sorry you think I'm tricking you. It must be so painful for you to think you've got such a hateful daughter"..
Empathize with the FEELING. ignore the illogic. And yes, walk away. Don't engage if you cant empathize with what she is feeling.