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My mother will be 95 this week and has advanced macular degeneration and she is currently living with me. Every couple of days she will accuse me of playing tricks on her and intentionally aggravating her by hiding things or taking her things (some of which were never here). This evening she could not find the remote control; I waited to walk back to her room with her to show her it was on the pillow lined up next to her other gadgets. She insisted I snuck it in the room and put it there. She got irate; accused me of being cruel, mean, and said "You are going to pay for your actions one day!" From this it escalates into attacking me on a personal level for how I live, accuses me of not going to church, tells me I don't care about anyone but myself, and it goes on and on until I walk out of the room. No matter how I try to calmly defend myself by telling her I am not hiding her things and it would serve no purpose for me to do that, she calls me a liar. But at this point, logic is of no importance to her and she is ALWAYS right (has been her entire life) and there seems to be nothing I can say to get her to believe me. So I typically say I'm sorry if you don't believe me but I'm not going to argue with you and walk away from her. Once this starts, she remains agitated for hours, pacing out of her room to hurl some more insults at me until she can get a reaction. Then she tries to talk to my husband if he's there and tell him something is wrong with me, after he has witnessed the entire interaction so he will not engage her.


The next day is usually better because she has to come to me to eat so she is nice when she wants me to wait on her.


I have an appointment with a geriatric psychiatrist 10 days from now in order to get her medications adjusted which her primary care doctor will no longer handle. My mother has a longstanding history of depression and anxiety. I am also waiting for a small assisted living facility to open sometime this month and she will be moving there because I cannot deal with the antagonism living with her. This is my 3rd attempt to take care of her in my home and it is a repeat everytime. The antagonistic relationship with her children has existed for the past 30 years primarily due to conflict over her hoarding behaviors, refusal to get help or get rid of anything. Now with some dementia, the antagonism is magnified. Believe me, the arguments are heated and she is so agitated she has called the police on me once, wandered away another time, and threatened to call the police last week.


So I understand some of this is a common behavor with dementia patients and I am wondering if anyone has any practical suggestions for how to handle it "in the moment" to keep her from escalating into the personal level attacks?


Thanking you in advance for any input!

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GGoogle Teepa Snow and watch her videos.

Don't defend yourself. Try " I'm so sorry it's missing. Can I help you look?"

"I'm so sorry you think I'm tricking you. It must be so painful for you to think you've got such a hateful daughter"..

Empathize with the FEELING. ignore the illogic. And yes, walk away. Don't engage if you cant empathize with what she is feeling.
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Garlamba Mar 2019
Excellent suggestion! Thanks so much.
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She is expressing fear and anger. You don't deserve it, but she can't help it.

Do any distraction techniques work? Is it ever possible to divert her to other topics of conversation, or other activities?

I am sure you are taking the right steps in finding a good placement for her, but may I suggest you wait for the psych assessment before deciding on the ALF? (No chance you can bring that forward, is there?)

I wish I did have something to offer. This must be just awful for you. Hugs.
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Garlamba Mar 2019
Thanks for your support Countrymouse, and yes, her appointment is March 17th, definitely before the AL facility is available. Distraction doesn't always work but I did use it this morning; a temporary delay until her thinking could return to focusing on something she thinks I took and hid. I think if I still had her previous primary care doctor I would not feel quite so lost, but having had to change doctors last year has been really bad timing. Her new primary care doctor is not very interested in her as a patient and does not schedule follow-ups unless I want to bring her in, besides just not knowing her.
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When she starts up, immediately walk away. Shut the door, and wait. Don't engage her at all. Repeat.
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Garlamba Mar 2019
Great feedback. I will try this and limit my defensive talk, which only seems to serve to keep things going.
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I think you are handling it the best way you can. And I would not call this stage mild Dementia. Continue to walk away from her but don't say anything. Just say OK and walk out. There is no reasoning with a Dementia patient. Change doesn't help either. You have taken her from what was familiar to her. To literally a strange place where nothing is where she remembers it to be. I think the med change is good. But be ready for this behaviour when you place her in an AL. Again change.
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Garlamba Mar 2019
Very helpful reminder; I know being here for months I think she should be adjusted but I tend to forget it is not like being in your own place for years.
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Thanks to all of you for your quick responses. You all have provided me with some very helpful suggestions and reassuring words of wisdom and this means so much to me, I can't put into words. I am so happy to find this website.

It is difficult to describe a personality and the multitude of recent events impacting my mother without writing pages so I did leave out recent hospitalizations (for onset of hallucinations and then a fall during Thanksgiving week), change in anxiety meds, and sadly a new primary care doctor in 2018 who really does not want to deal with her or see her in follow-up on a regular basis. There has been no formal diagnosis of dementia even after hospitalization in November. My mother has been blaming us on and off for 20+ years for her lost items because she had a flood in her condo from a broken washer hose at the time and we had to remove everything and redo the carpet and floors and all of her hoard was boxed and put into storage and then upon her insistence, eventually brought back to her. So her condo has been in disarray since then and I would venture to say really since she moved there simply because there wasn't enough space for everything she wanted to keep as well as continued to buy. Aside from hoarding behaviors, she was quite lucid. The doctors all remarked about memory and cognition. That is why it has been so hard to recognize her behavior as dementia, until this past year, and really recent months. I do plan on leaning on the psychiatrist for guidance regarding neurological work-up, and reaching out to the cardiologist by phone.
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95. The whole story is right there. Start looking for permanent placement now before the next downward spiral which will be quick You must be ready
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My sister developed Alzheimer's at age 55. One of the early symptoms was accusing people of taking her things. It seems quite a common symptom and no matter how much you try to explain it it won't make any difference as it's all a part of this degenerative illness. She also hallucinated and was awake a lot in the night from quite early on. It's a very difficult thing to cope with but maybe giving her things to help ease her agitation might help soothe her. Try a doll and blanket as that usually works well and maybe a Twiddle Mitt which is basically a hand muff with things sewn on to it like buttons and ribbon which can be twiddle with. Good Luck. X
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Sounds like she is bored and looking for things to amuse herself. Trying to get you upset seems to fit the bill.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2019
Yep, entertaining for them. Also could make them feel a bit powerful or important.
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All the "advice" I can give to you is.
do not let her goad you into an argument. Don't even try to defend yourself, you have nothing to defend yourself from. And you will NEVER win.
Just agree to what she said, yup you are right I moved the remote, yes you are right, I don't go to church...and walk away. Or don't even respond just walk away.
Hang in there until the small Assisted Living spot opens. And if it is full or there are problems get her on list at another. If you can not live under the same roof don't put yourself through the aggravation.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2019
Grandma,

Please keep telling us in hopeless situations that we won’t win the argument or debate! I have that problem at times, then I feel so foolish later by trying to reason with the unreasonable. Keep reminding us! Please!
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Get a different doctor, and get her diagnosed. You have no use for a doctor who won't do anything.
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I went through this exact thing, the accusations of theft followed by accusations of being sneaky in replacing items. With an all consuming fury. It is a sign of BPD as well as dementia. I was extremely accommodating throughout my childhood to no avail. I found that this paranoia and outrage was part of mom's functioning personality. Mt father told me years later she had always been this that even as young coed. Regrettably, being very mellow and disengaged did not stop this behavior and seemed to infuriate her more. I agree with another poster that this
may serve as a way to relieve boredom.

Still disengaging is best (I found that defending myself just prolonged things and just wore me down) but also finding a way to create a soothing environment for yourself and husband, as well as your paranoid angry mom. Maybe some essential oils for calming or soothing music? Some meditative art work. I dont' know if she's a member of a church but perhaps reaching out to pastor to arrange some visits might help. BPD and narcissism (they kind of go hand in hand) can cause this relentless self focus and anger, they tend to need to feel very important. So
visits from someone with status, or asking her opinions about the news or talk shows etc can keep her engaged in something less destructive. At least for awhile

Here's hoping that spot in AL opens sooner than later!! Good luck!
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Overlook it. Mom will grow Worse with Time so Be...Kind.
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Make lemonade wherever you can - most dementia patients turn on those who are closest to them & mean the most to them so that means you are her nearest & dearest - I'd say things like 'oh did I forget to tell you I moved XX to DDD - sorry I'll try to remember better next time' ... I know you didn't move them - this is an example of a theraputic fib & will prevent her going ballistic on you because she needs fuel so when you don't give her the fuel then there is no fire[works]
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Dear Garlamba

You sound exhausted and desperate and I'm so sorry. We at the Forum can empathize.

You have received good and supportive advice. The only thing I can think to add is testing for a UTI when she has hallucinations. Surely the hospital would have included it, but nonetheless, I thought it worth repeating. It took me a long time to believe my MIL's behavior could be attributed to UTIs. UTIs in the elderly take on a whole life of their own and it can be downright bizarre.

I'm glad you're looking into ALF. You and Hubby deserve a break and need to enjoy your life.

Good luck. Warm fuzzies coming your way.....
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A person with low vision due to Wet Macular Degeneration must have their possessions in the exact same place that they last saw it/put it. If they don't find it in the place where they last put it, they may be accusatory, e. g. my mother had this eye disease and owned tea cups with separate saucers. When her niece moved the saucers to my mother's basement, my mother became very upset.
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Install some home security cameras - they alert you asap if there is movement. You could show her on your phone screen that none of the cameras detected motion in areas she's concerned about. Just a thought.
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She has dementia and it will only get worse and if you keep her with you, she will destroy you. Find a way NOW to remove her from your home at once before it is too late. When she becomes nasty and abusive, and it will NOT stop, tell her firmly you will NOT tolerate her outbursts, accusations, etc. and immediately remove yourself from her presence. If she follows you, go away again and if need be, tell her to leave and go back to her room, etc. It is not something she can absorb but at this point, that is not what matters. It is your way of protecting yourself from her horrible behavior before she destroys you. THINK OF YOU FIRST.
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Wow. I feel like I just sat down and wrote my story. The only difference in mine is that my mother is still in her home. My other has always been tough to deal with. Many a night my dad would call having had enough of dealing with her. My mother is 101, has wet macular, Mild dementia and can be just plain nasty. Before I go further my mother in law, 96, lives with my wife and I and is in late stage dementia. I have help four days a week for my mother to help her out. I would have more help, but she will not allow anyone else in the house. i am at her house seven days a week from just after lunch until dinner. My dad died almost two years ago and she will sit and cry or just sit and mope. I handle all of her finances as she has never paid a bill in her life. She has always had a jealous streak and would accuse my dad of cheating on her . It never happened. Over the last few months she has started accusing either me or the young lady working that we are stealing from her. First it was we stole her bracelet which was where she always put it. Then it was I was hiding jewelry my dad gave his girlfriends. Then one of us stole an adding machine my dad had fifty years ago. That has been the go to as of late. I got so tired of her berating us about it I went and bought a new one. She told the young lady to take it back, that it wasn't like the old one. This morning the young lady called me to say she had noticed some blood on my mothers undergarments. I called her physician to get an appointment.Next thing I know my mother has called my phone a dozen times so I call back and she starts yelling at me about having to see a doctor. I told her we could talk when I got over there. I walk in and no hello, she just starts in saying who do you think you are making a doctor appointment without asking me. I said don't you think it would be a good idea to see a doctor if you are bleeding. Then we went over and over about who she was going to see. She kept on about something is wrong with me for making her an appointment. I got so angry at that point I told her if she chose not to go she could cancel the appointment. I then said I need to leave. She wanted to continue arguing and yelled at me to get back in here, we aren't through. I spoke with the girl who helps and she said she got an earful as well. I have really had enough. I am with her pretty much every day and have been dong so since my dad died. These last weeks she has just been getting nastier by the day. I told my wife I want to get on a plane and just go for a week.
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