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She got sick, didn’t want surgery, and her kids had her have the surgery anyway. They refused to listed to me, my husband, her son wouldn’t even let me talk. His siblings chose for her to have surgery, and now she’s suffering. They expect me to go to the hospital every other day and encourage her to get better and do physical therapy. This 90 year old woman needed to go to heaven, not be rescued by her children. I can’t stand to go to the hospital and watch them force her to do PT “to get better” when she isn’t going to get better. Had they not done the surgery, she could have been kept comfortable and passed away within about two weeks. I can’t sleep at night, I’m so angry. How do I forgive my husband and his siblings for not honoring mom’s wishes? I am afraid that after 40 years I am done with this family. I am so heart broken for what my Mom-in-law is having to go through. And so disappointed in my husband and his siblings.

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BetsyPE: I did see your update of May 3, 2021 with as good a resolution as you would achieve.
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Her children just weren't ready to let her go. Assuming she had no directive written up, so her care was made available to her via their hearts. Decisions like this are, at least for me, made by deciding 'what I can live with'. That would vary from person to person. You could live with letting her go given her health issues. They could live with giving her every chance to survive. No one's right, no one's wrong. Don't think of it as something you need to forgive them for. You remain heartbroken because of the way you feel and perhaps they would have been heartbroken to not provide her with the care. Deep breath - let go of the anger.
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Sorry she and you are having to go through this.
This is a perfect example why your health directives need to be in writing. Another good reason why you need an advocate for you if you are being “railroaded” by family. Also why you should have a POLST or other directive if you can not speak for yourself. And this information needs to be shared with your doctors.
I can understand your anger but I also understand your husband and his siblings for “wanting to do everything they can” loosing a loved one is difficult and I am sure it is difficult for all of them.
If you can convince them to bring in Hospice or at least Palliative Care that will help keep your MIL comfortable.
((hugs for you and MIL))
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Hello BestyPe
Life journey begins and end it will happen to us all.

It sounds like 90 year old Mom is tired,and needs “Her” peace;if it is true that she wishes to pass on.

All involved should give Mom much respect. Continue to give much love to her🌹.

It’s her end of life decision.

God’s peace to you all!!🙏🏾
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You must let go of this dilemma. It is what it is, and nothing will change the situation now. Otherwise you will only punish yourself and other family members, and what good will that do? I would just make the best of it and move on before you say or doing something that you will further regret later. Things happen for a reason, maybe this was God’s plan, although not yours.
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I'm glad you were finally heard. When my MIL needed angioplasty an a stent and at 1st refused my husband & I went to see her and support whatever decision she made. Our opinion was she should have it done as she would have better quality of life and had a new grandbaby on the way, but it was not our decision. She did change her mind and came home after some rehab. Most of her children were happy with her decision but my SIL was furious that WE forced her. I had known her mother for over 20 years and there was no forcing her to do anything. She had a couple more good years but gave up on herself and decided to stop fighting.

My mother was very clear that she had had enough and was ready to go when she starting failing and we ended up in the ER with the Drs. saying her #'s were so bad they didn't know how was still with us we moved her to comfort care and they helped her the last few weeks. While I wasn't ready to let her go she was ready and I honored her decision.
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Betsy,
Responding to your most recent post. I would suggest your husband, siblings contact hospice.
Perhaps, at home hospice would be best for your MIL.
Best wishes to you and all the family.
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My Mom passed about 3 months ago due to a massive stroke. I decided for Mom to go to hospice in January per Doctor’s advice. It was the most scary decision I ever made knowing she would likely pass in a few weeks. But in hindsight, I dont think I could do differently.
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As I read your message my heart was hurting for you, I am sorry but you have no right to for wanting someone to die by being comfortable. I’m very happy that her CHILDREN have compassion for their mom and not listen to the naysayers I pray that when is your turn someone will speak on your behalf. #imacaregiver
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polarbear May 2021
mynow34 - OP does not have the right to have MIL die, but it's not the OP that wanted it, it was MIL that wanted to die in peace with some dignity left. But her CHILDREN took that away from her.

How would you feel if YOUR CHILDREN (if you had any) take away your LAST choice in life?
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Betsy, I am also so glad to hear this update from you. So relieved your MIL will have peace. It is a great gift her family is giving her by honoring her last wishes.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2021
You are correct, Alva.

Honoring last wishes is the most loving and caring thing that we can do for someone.
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Betsey, I am so happy that your family is pulling together and doing what is right for mom.

I just lost my dad in December and you only do 2 things in life once and that is lose your mom and dad. You just don't know what you will do or how it will hit you. You lost your mom, so you can understand what they are facing and you are the voice of reason. God bless all of you during this difficult time.

Please consider a hospice facility for her. You all will have 24/7 access and she will get the best care available for her pain. I bet she qualifies based on her condition.

I know that no matter what is decided that The Lord will hold all of you close and give you strength and peace and wisdom to get through. It is such a blessing to know that this is not really goodbye.

Great big warm hug!
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Very good responses from posters and you. I've read all your responses. I'm relieved that you and hubby talked. It's really hard to face - losing a loved one. Communication is vital. esp about these end of life plans and dealing with and supporting each other during this time. Even if you know it's the end, it's still very hard.
One thing I will say to you that I don't think others have yet, is that you have to forgive yourself too. You're very upset inside, however calm you are outside. I read your angst and self blame between the lines. Forgive yourself. Then you may be able to forgive others. Life doesn't come with a play book. You made the best decision you could in the moment. God may using this whole situation for a growth in yourself and others that we cannot yet see. Please forgive yourself.

And visit your loved one but share the caregiving. I pray you can bring her home for her final days because dying in the hospital with only one person allowed at a time is awful for your MIL, you, your hubby, your children who have cared for her also, and all her family.

May God give you peace.
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BetsyPE May 2021
Thank you for your thoughts, and you are correct. I always wish I could perfectly care for her until she goes to sleep and does comfortably at home. I know none of that is realistic, and I do need to forgive myself as well as them. The meeting tonight was very good, all supportive and all agreed, it’s time to help her have the most comfortable release we can give her. I know that won’t be perfect either! And I can’t control all
of that. We talked about options. And I’m looking into availability of nurses 24/7 at her own home, as well as a facility. I would love to have her come here, again, and I’m not sure that I am truly actually up for the emotional toll it might take on me. I cannot do it all
by myself, and, because of family circumstances, no other family member is in a position to have her in their home.
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Betsy,

I understand how you feel. I adored my mother in law. She had non Hodgkin’s lymphoma. She suffered horribly. She was much younger than your mother in law and decided that she wanted to fight. She was sent to MD Anderson in Texas. She beat it, and was in remission for five years.

Sadly, the cancer returned with a vengeance. She had an advanced directive that said, ‘NO prolonging of life.’ We did not want her to continue suffering. She was ready to go. She was only 68 when she died.

My mom also had a living will. She died a week ago today. She was 95. I miss her terribly but the last thing that I would have wanted for her was more suffering. She had Parkinson’s disease.

She was in a hospice house shortly before her death and the care was amazing! I am happy to say that mom with dignity and free from her agonizing pain. I highly recommend hospice care for the dying. They are angels.

Wishing you and your family all the best.
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BetsyPE May 2021
I am going to call the Care a management team at the hospital to have her evaluated for hospice qualification. I’m so glad you had such a great experience and I’m so sad for your loss! I know I will feel it when it happens in reality. I miss my own mother very much
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Betsey, I am so glad that MIL is getting better pain relief. That is huge.

If she is going to be on Hospice, ask about Hospice facilities, or doing hospice within a nursing home.

Attempting to care for a dementia patient who is bedbound with an ostomy bag is a job for 3 shifts of young, strong caregivers.

You will have extra sets of eyes with hospice.

Family may say they will "step up" but I guarantee they will drop off, leaving you holding the bag.

Also, if you and DH have this much difficulty with honest communication about hard subjects, please consider getting some professional help with that.

((((Hugs))))))
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BetsyPE May 2021
We have been married for 40 years! We have 5 children! Lolol you’d think we would have figured some of this stuff out better. I have had a lot of fear and anxiety throughout my life. I’ve had a lot of counseling for my own issues, and think that most people need a good counselor! I started counseling again about a month ago and we may do some marriage counseling together. Thank you for your support ! I have had so much fear, I have always been afraid of abandonment, though my DH has never abandoned me. It’s a story my brain has told me my whole life. I probably have an attachment disorder.
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She will most likely be on hospice, but I’m not sure I have it in me to take care of her 24/7 alone. Maybe since it would be hospice, her children might be more agreeable to assist with that and possibly pay someone to be there to help with night time care. My house is the only one she could realistically come to, due to other family circumstances beyond control. We will have to see what would be required and if I felt like I could do that with assistance from
others.
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May your inlaws see what they are doing and let their mom go.

May God grant you peace and strength during this difficult time. I can't imagine how difficult this has been for you and your MIL.

God bless you for caring enough to say the hard things to your family and advocating for your MIL.
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BetsyPE May 2021
Thank you so much for your prayer, we desperately need them! I think they all truly want to do the right thing for her. They just needed time.
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OMG - Her children are literally torturing her to death.
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BetsyPE May 2021
I’ve been praying for guidance and strength, and got up courage to make a kind loving stand for Mominlaws wishes to be honored. The family is meeting tonight, and I am fairly sure they will be on the same page. They truly love their mother, they just didn’t realize how far gone she was and that they just needed to let her go. I needed to say that they may have saved her from a terribly painful death, but right now she is calm and more comfortable on pain meds and we need to no deny her the peaceful death she wanted.
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Because it is the topic of this post, I'd like to take this opportunity to remind people that "last wishes" MUST be legally created in writing (or digitally) and given to the PoA and doctors. Someone "telling" you something doesn't hold any authority. I'm so sorry for how this is unfolding for the 90-yr old grandmother, but we must all create Living Wills (Advance Directives) the legally correct way. There are not other options.
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BetsyPE May 2021
Amen! I already have paperwork for an advance directive fire my husband and I and all 5 of our children have been informed about what those wishes are. They will continue to be informed for the rest of my life!! They have seen much of the suffering that has taken place in my own birth family, My fathers death 25 years ago, my mother’s death 12 years ago and my brother’s death 1 1/2 years ago. They saw how we as sisters of a man with schizophrenia, struggled when we took him to the hospital and his life was saved, only to return to the nursing facility where he could no longer walk, and only had so much control over his life. Yes, we visited him and cared about him and loved him, but after that happening a few times, it began to feel cruel to bring him back, when if we left nature take its course, he could be relieved of a Lot of suffering. Yes, I am not God, nor do I want to play one on TV or on an Aging Care page! But after our brother had decided he wanted a DNR and went into cardiac arrest, it happened when our sisters closely involved in his care were both recently returned form trips outside of state and the DNR was honored. We spoke afterward and realized that individually we had all been praying, without saying anything to each other, that the Lord would provide a way for him to go, without intervention from his sisters, as well as without them having to make the decision whether or not to revive him. He made that choice and we were grateful that we could give him that wish l. Yes we miss him dearly, yet we know he was released from a body that had not worked well for him for some years and from a brain that struggled with hallucinations and hearing voices. We felt a bittersweet sorrow at his death, while rejoicing that the Lord had taken him home. I think maybe that experience is what gave me the perspective I have had about my Mominlaw, as well as having had those conversations with her over the years that she did not have with her actual children .
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First, I hope you can reach a place of forgiveness. I don’t agree with the family’s choice, but I can see it was made out of fear and concern. There wasn’t a malicious intent. And forgiveness is often a gift you give yourself. It releases you from hanging on to something that becomes bitterness. I agree with you about the exercise. I watched my dad at 90 in a failed rehab attempt. There was simply no more “try” left in him. He died on hospice care just over a month later. I hope the family will see the need for hospice and compassionate care. Don’t do anything you’re not on board with, those things leave to her children. She’s been blessed to have you
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BetsyPE May 2021
I have been praying for hope and faith that I can forgive. Particularly my husband. I love whom and we need to communicate more and better. I was so distraught and in agony when I typed this question, but we’ve had heartfelt deep conversations, with the help of a loving daughter who helps us sort through feelings and helps us be more careful in our communication to each other, and I feel heard and understood and like he understands and will stand for his mother’s wishes now when we meet as a family. I encouraged the other brother and his wife to get details
feom the doctor about how each scenario would look, and I think that gave them pause and information they needed to understand. You are right, it wasn’t malicious, and I knew that before, I was the one who needed to be courageous and step up and have an uncomfortable conversation about it. As her caregiver, it was my place to take that stand.
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I took care of pretty much a FIL. So long story short, his wife is a trip. He did not want to go home from rehab to care for her. I remember on a Fri, he was supposed to be discharged from rehab as a not into effect POA, that he wanted to stay the weekend. That was fine I understood. So, on Sun when I visited, he told me to go home, he did not want me there and thanked me. Two hours later, the nurse called, he was filled up with fluid, the stomach was sticking out. She decided to transport to hospital and not follow the DNR. The hospital, he was seeing his dead nun sister squeezing my hand saying, I am coming home. To anyone that was not the family it was pretty obvious what was happening. My POA kicked in but family freaked out. Honestly, I did not have the money to fight it out and was scared of the violemce. I gave up POA and they did every life saving measure til his daughter arrived from Europe. They released him on hospice. That became a mess, daughter said I only have 2 weeks and want to go shopping. She called herself a nurse but she only worked in a cancer center and brought German meds over, who knows what they were it was German. Anyway mom ended up in hospital and rehab. Dad died after tripling the morphine and German drugs within 2.5 days. It made me sick, still does.

So, you don't forgive and you do not forget, its been since 2016 and it is still rough. I rarely state my opinion but ehen I do, it brings up bad emotions.

I wish you well.
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BetsyPE May 2021
Stacy, I am so very sad for what you had to go through. That sounds much much worse than what I am dealing with. 😢
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I have had that exact surgery. It’s incredibly painful before and after. I am sooo sorry that your husband and his family put your MIL though it. Having been there, I would never choose to go through it at 90.

Discharge to Hospice seems appropriate. You are right. They should have left this poor woman to pass in peace.

Is your MIL on Hospice care going forward?
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BetsyPE May 2021
I am sure that will be the decision tonight. I think they will understand. I just had to not be afraid to have the conversation. My frustration when I wrote this pushed me to action, and I’m grateful that God helped me take a stand for her.
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I certainly would be done with them, in all truth. I would move out even if with family, and let this family now deal on their own with what they have done. I would file for a legal separation to protect your husband's hiding funds before leaving. Sounds he may not be trustworthy if he is capable of denying the last wishes of a 90 year old mother. I am just so sorry you could not protect her from this.
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BetsyPE May 2021
AlvaDeer,
I wrote this when I had just returned from spending a 12 hour day with Mominlaw, and no one else had seen what I had seen happen to her. I was in agony. We talked Sunday morning. My husband was also very torn, but because is a person who avoids contention at all costs, including with me, he wasn’t sure what way to go or what to choose. When we talked, he agreed with me. We’ve been praying that the family would recognize that she needs to be released from this. I told him I needed him to communicate his feelings to me not keep them in so I could at least know that we are on the same page. He is an introvert and a peacemaker the majority of the time. Watching me agonize over this, he still wasn’t sure how to approach it. We also work in a family business. It’s a complicated situation. This family’s tradition is “No news is good news.” They just don’t communicate very well. He wanted his Mom to go in a less painful way than what the surgeon said would be a horrible way to die, with her bowel rupturing. I found out he was also in agony, not know how to communicate it to his siblings.
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How awful for your mother in law and for you!

I am so very sorry that she is going through this. I would never want surgery at her age. I am surprised that her doctor even considered surgery.

My mom had issues that if she were younger she would have done surgery but her doctor said no surgery ever for a woman in her 90’s.

I know someone whose daughter had her father have resuscitation in the hospital. He didn’t want his life prolonged in any way. It was horrible. He only lived one hour afterwards and was in great pain.

I agree that most people are ready to go when they are that age with health issues.
Why would your husband and his family expect you to be her caregiver in this situation? They caused the situation. You are absolutely justified for feeling as you do.

PT is effective in certain circumstances but is extremely hard work and isn’t appropriate in every situation.

I hope your mother in law can find relief soon. I wish her children would have respected her wishes.
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BetsyPE May 2021
she has been living with us for 16 months, and I have been her care giver. The hospital, because of Covid restrictions, would only let 2 visitors come into the hospital for the duration of her stay. Because my sister-in-law and I were the the ones willing and able, we offered. But I realized her children needed to see the situation to know what needed to happen. My husband agreed to go today, and the Dr. was able to make an exception so he could come in. And if the family decides, which I am fairly sure they will (to let nature take its course and offer pain medication as needed) more arrangements can be made for her adult children to also take turns sitting with her as she receives comfort care. I just had to SPEAK! I was asking my husband to have a conversation he was unsure, and possibly fearful of, that I was also fearful of! Yet ,having been her caregiver for 16 months, having been the one to take her to the hospital, having gone through the worst of everything with her in the last 16 months, I am really the only one with the perspective to deliver that message in kindness and care to her children. I needed the courage to speak. I cannot fault my husband when I was also afraid to have that conversation. 😢 They may have saved her from what they understood to be a horrible death, but they do not want to deny her a calmer one, if they can help it. I think they were all just afraid and needed time to adjust.
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Sadly, because she didn't put her desires in writing, her children had the say in what to do. It's a lesson for everyone to learn -- put those wishes in writing NOW, not when faced with a life-changing crisis. My husband and I already have our medical POAs with our wishes spelled out, and we're only 60. You just never know what could happen.

I remember my 90-year-old aunt was diagnosed with multiple myeloma, and her kids where so horrified at the thought their always-healthy mother was dying, they insisted she try chemotherapy. She agree, and did it for two weeks before stopping because it made her so sick. Now, seven years after her death, my cousins beat themselves up for having put her through that pain and agony in her last days.

I think you should go to the hospital and visit, because your MIL needs someone there who understands and is there for her. Honestly, I doubt she'll last long in spite of the surgery, because she's in such bad condition.

In time her children will understand they squandered valuable time with her by putting her in this situation. It'll be after the fact, but some of them may eventually realize the mistake they made. It's too late now to point out to your husband and his family that just because a doctor lays out options for treatment doesn't mean they're what you should do, but that's the reality. Some doctors just won't tell people if a treatment is really a good idea or not when they give them treatment options.
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BetsyPE May 2021
I’m sad to say, we did have her wishes in writing, but didn’t get them notarized. She had thought it best that I was the medical POA because she was living with us, though she did have some dementia when we went over the papers and discussed them. But I knew her wishes. Since the papers were not notarized, I admit to waiting to long to have that done, I did not feel as a daughter-in-law it was my place to fight with her children.
I know, I should have had them notarized, I should have fought for her wishes. I did a soft fight before surgery, hoping they would com to the same conclusion I did. They did not. I immediately regretted not doing that. Come to find out, she had previously signed a medical POA with a different son, which she did not remember and he did not say anything about until it came to the time to decide about surgery. But as the daughter-in-law, I wouldn’t have wanted to give my husband the choice over my own mother’s end of life care, and I felt I needed to have them feel peace about that decision. It was my own fault I didn’t speak up sooner and lo them what she needed. I am disappointed in myself and angry at myself for not doing that . I think that disappointment and anger is what pushed me to finally speak today, and talk about what I have felt this week and what I know she would have wanted to do. I am grateful that her dementia is such that she doesn’t even remember why she is in the hospital or that she’s been there for a week. I’m grateful that I love her and she’s knows it, and that she loves me, and I know it, and I know she would forgive me and want me to forgive myself and her children. They do love her. I think it was their misunderstanding the gravity of her situation and the painful results of the surgery she had. They are each spending time in the hospital this week as she is given comfort care instead of pushing for recovery. The dDr. Thinks it will be a matter of days, and maybe a few weeks before she passes. But at least we are on the same path now.
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What an awful mess.

I would visit her, but I wouldn't force the PT issue.

Ask about better pain relief.

Has anyone talked about Hospice? Hospice would be all over her pain.

I think I would step away from the caregiving role when/if she comes home.

Be the loving DIL who gives backrubs and treats. Let the others do the caregiving, or let them arrange in-home caregivers.

I think I might arrange to go on a vacation for when she is released from the hospital.

As for forgiveness, consider marital therapy.
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BetsyPE May 2021
Last night I told the family we needed to begin a rotation visiting her, and my husband supported me completely. Because of Covid we had to make exception arrangements for her adult children to go be with her. It was I am another daughter-in-law taking turns. Now, her children are spending time with her that they will be grateful for when she actually passes away. I got up my courage and expressed that I cannot support a decision to have her do physical therapy and try to get better. I want her to have her end of life plan honored. It was scary for me to have that conversation, but I was able to do it in a calm, kind loving way, which was a gift from God, and it was understood and considered. I have been rubbing her hands, feet, and legs
With lotion an calming essential oils every time I go in there. I always lotioned her feet and calves and shins along with her back after her showers. So that isn’t a new thing for me to be doing. I agree about the vacation. I’ve never been to Hawaii, that sounds good to me right now! Thank you for your encouragement. I truly appreciate it.
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She had a stricture in her colon caused by scarring from diverticulitis. She now has an ostomy bag. She was in bad shape, yes, I’m the daughter-in-law who has been her caregiver for 16 months and She lived with us. I took her to the doc, dentist, did shopping, showered her, did her laundry, cooked for her, everything. I did get some help a few days a month from one sister-in-law. But I and my husband, her son, along with our kids who actually spent the most time with her, are ones who have seen her decline continue to get worse. I’m the one she told through many years that she didn’t want end of life surgery, she filled out Medical POA papers with me, but we never got them notarized. Another sister-in-law was her next in line for medical, and she didn’t remember that Mom didn’t want surgery. She’s almost 90. I felt so strongly, as much as I dearly love her and will miss her when she goes, that we needed to just keep her comfortable and let her die. The doctor said it would be a few weeks of her lingering, and that was probably all. Well, surgery turned into a much bigger deal, and the surgeon said if he a had actually known what all was going on in there, he would have told the family to let nature take its course. She has multiple tears in her colon and an adhesion that was making it so her intestine was just in a loop and everything was just going around. She’s said she didn’t want surgery that very day, but her children thought her dementia made it so she didn’t know what she was choosing and it might be painful for her to go that way. Now, she’s in pain from surgery, knows her name, birthdate and that she’s in the hospital, but doesn’t know why. She doesn’t want to live! She has no motivation to even try, she didn’t have that before she got sick. She has hardly moved in a week, without the nurses doing their turning every two hours. The physical therapist came I yesterday and put her in a recliner and she was in terrible pain. I don’t want her to get stronger, she deserves to die peacefully like she always wanted. I resent that my husband and his siblings did not honor her wishes, and as par for life, no one would wanted to here what I had to say. I am still expected to go to the hospital and encourage her to “get better”. It’s tearing my heart out! I knew these people had little respect for me, but they seem to have even less respect for their mother. I can’t stand watching her suffering needlessly. I was the only one who felt we should let her go, keeping her comfortable and let nature takes its course, and am
now expected to fulfill their wishes to get her well.
I think each of them needs to go sit with her for a day and see exactly what choice they have made for their mother. I cannot in good conscience force her to exercise and be in so much pain just so her children can feel like they did the right thing. My husband wouldn’t even let me participate in the conversation yet another sister-in-law was there. I feel so disappointed and abandoned by him. They have abandoned their mother when she needed someone to let her go and be finished with this existence! Her husband died 12 years ago and she wanted to go and be where he is! I am having trouble sleeping and am so angry at this family.
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Tothill May 2021
Incredible heartbreaking Betsy.

I agree with your comment. It is time for your hubs, sister in law etc, to be the ones sitting with her in the hospital. They need to face the consequences of their decision.
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Betsy, I am so sorry that you are in this situation.

What kind of surgery? What is the prognosis?

It sounds like you are mominlaw's main caregiver. When she gets out of the hospital, can she come home on hospice?
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