How do you forgive family members for keeping Mom alive against her wishes? I’ve been her daughter in law caregiver for 16 months.

What an awful mess.

I would visit her, but I wouldn't force the PT issue.

Ask about better pain relief.

Has anyone talked about Hospice? Hospice would be all over her pain.

I think I would step away from the caregiving role when/if she comes home.

Be the loving DIL who gives backrubs and treats. Let the others do the caregiving, or let them arrange in-home caregivers.

I think I might arrange to go on a vacation for when she is released from the hospital.

As for forgiveness, consider marital therapy.

How awful for your mother in law and for you!

I am so very sorry that she is going through this. I would never want surgery at her age. I am surprised that her doctor even considered surgery.

My mom had issues that if she were younger she would have done surgery but her doctor said no surgery ever for a woman in her 90’s.

I know someone whose daughter had her father have resuscitation in the hospital. He didn’t want his life prolonged in any way. It was horrible. He only lived one hour afterwards and was in great pain.

I agree that most people are ready to go when they are that age with health issues.
Why would your husband and his family expect you to be her caregiver in this situation? They caused the situation. You are absolutely justified for feeling as you do.

PT is effective in certain circumstances but is extremely hard work and isn’t appropriate in every situation.

I hope your mother in law can find relief soon. I wish her children would have respected her wishes.

First, I hope you can reach a place of forgiveness. I don’t agree with the family’s choice, but I can see it was made out of fear and concern. There wasn’t a malicious intent. And forgiveness is often a gift you give yourself. It releases you from hanging on to something that becomes bitterness. I agree with you about the exercise. I watched my dad at 90 in a failed rehab attempt. There was simply no more “try” left in him. He died on hospice care just over a month later. I hope the family will see the need for hospice and compassionate care. Don’t do anything you’re not on board with, those things leave to her children. She’s been blessed to have you

She had a stricture in her colon caused by scarring from diverticulitis. She now has an ostomy bag. She was in bad shape, yes, I’m the daughter-in-law who has been her caregiver for 16 months and She lived with us. I took her to the doc, dentist, did shopping, showered her, did her laundry, cooked for her, everything. I did get some help a few days a month from one sister-in-law. But I and my husband, her son, along with our kids who actually spent the most time with her, are ones who have seen her decline continue to get worse. I’m the one she told through many years that she didn’t want end of life surgery, she filled out Medical POA papers with me, but we never got them notarized. Another sister-in-law was her next in line for medical, and she didn’t remember that Mom didn’t want surgery. She’s almost 90. I felt so strongly, as much as I dearly love her and will miss her when she goes, that we needed to just keep her comfortable and let her die. The doctor said it would be a few weeks of her lingering, and that was probably all. Well, surgery turned into a much bigger deal, and the surgeon said if he a had actually known what all was going on in there, he would have told the family to let nature take its course. She has multiple tears in her colon and an adhesion that was making it so her intestine was just in a loop and everything was just going around. She’s said she didn’t want surgery that very day, but her children thought her dementia made it so she didn’t know what she was choosing and it might be painful for her to go that way. Now, she’s in pain from surgery, knows her name, birthdate and that she’s in the hospital, but doesn’t know why. She doesn’t want to live! She has no motivation to even try, she didn’t have that before she got sick. She has hardly moved in a week, without the nurses doing their turning every two hours. The physical therapist came I yesterday and put her in a recliner and she was in terrible pain. I don’t want her to get stronger, she deserves to die peacefully like she always wanted. I resent that my husband and his siblings did not honor her wishes, and as par for life, no one would wanted to here what I had to say. I am still expected to go to the hospital and encourage her to “get better”. It’s tearing my heart out! I knew these people had little respect for me, but they seem to have even less respect for their mother. I can’t stand watching her suffering needlessly. I was the only one who felt we should let her go, keeping her comfortable and let nature takes its course, and am
now expected to fulfill their wishes to get her well.
I think each of them needs to go sit with her for a day and see exactly what choice they have made for their mother. I cannot in good conscience force her to exercise and be in so much pain just so her children can feel like they did the right thing. My husband wouldn’t even let me participate in the conversation yet another sister-in-law was there. I feel so disappointed and abandoned by him. They have abandoned their mother when she needed someone to let her go and be finished with this existence! Her husband died 12 years ago and she wanted to go and be where he is! I am having trouble sleeping and am so angry at this family.

Sadly, because she didn't put her desires in writing, her children had the say in what to do. It's a lesson for everyone to learn -- put those wishes in writing NOW, not when faced with a life-changing crisis. My husband and I already have our medical POAs with our wishes spelled out, and we're only 60. You just never know what could happen.

I remember my 90-year-old aunt was diagnosed with multiple myeloma, and her kids where so horrified at the thought their always-healthy mother was dying, they insisted she try chemotherapy. She agree, and did it for two weeks before stopping because it made her so sick. Now, seven years after her death, my cousins beat themselves up for having put her through that pain and agony in her last days.

I think you should go to the hospital and visit, because your MIL needs someone there who understands and is there for her. Honestly, I doubt she'll last long in spite of the surgery, because she's in such bad condition.

In time her children will understand they squandered valuable time with her by putting her in this situation. It'll be after the fact, but some of them may eventually realize the mistake they made. It's too late now to point out to your husband and his family that just because a doctor lays out options for treatment doesn't mean they're what you should do, but that's the reality. Some doctors just won't tell people if a treatment is really a good idea or not when they give them treatment options.

My Mom passed about 3 months ago due to a massive stroke. I decided for Mom to go to hospice in January per Doctor’s advice. It was the most scary decision I ever made knowing she would likely pass in a few weeks. But in hindsight, I dont think I could do differently.

I took care of pretty much a FIL. So long story short, his wife is a trip. He did not want to go home from rehab to care for her. I remember on a Fri, he was supposed to be discharged from rehab as a not into effect POA, that he wanted to stay the weekend. That was fine I understood. So, on Sun when I visited, he told me to go home, he did not want me there and thanked me. Two hours later, the nurse called, he was filled up with fluid, the stomach was sticking out. She decided to transport to hospital and not follow the DNR. The hospital, he was seeing his dead nun sister squeezing my hand saying, I am coming home. To anyone that was not the family it was pretty obvious what was happening. My POA kicked in but family freaked out. Honestly, I did not have the money to fight it out and was scared of the violemce. I gave up POA and they did every life saving measure til his daughter arrived from Europe. They released him on hospice. That became a mess, daughter said I only have 2 weeks and want to go shopping. She called herself a nurse but she only worked in a cancer center and brought German meds over, who knows what they were it was German. Anyway mom ended up in hospital and rehab. Dad died after tripling the morphine and German drugs within 2.5 days. It made me sick, still does.

So, you don't forgive and you do not forget, its been since 2016 and it is still rough. I rarely state my opinion but ehen I do, it brings up bad emotions.

I wish you well.

Because it is the topic of this post, I'd like to take this opportunity to remind people that "last wishes" MUST be legally created in writing (or digitally) and given to the PoA and doctors. Someone "telling" you something doesn't hold any authority. I'm so sorry for how this is unfolding for the 90-yr old grandmother, but we must all create Living Wills (Advance Directives) the legally correct way. There are not other options.

I have had that exact surgery. It’s incredibly painful before and after. I am sooo sorry that your husband and his family put your MIL though it. Having been there, I would never choose to go through it at 90.

Discharge to Hospice seems appropriate. You are right. They should have left this poor woman to pass in peace.

Is your MIL on Hospice care going forward?

Very good responses from posters and you. I've read all your responses. I'm relieved that you and hubby talked. It's really hard to face - losing a loved one. Communication is vital. esp about these end of life plans and dealing with and supporting each other during this time. Even if you know it's the end, it's still very hard.
One thing I will say to you that I don't think others have yet, is that you have to forgive yourself too. You're very upset inside, however calm you are outside. I read your angst and self blame between the lines. Forgive yourself. Then you may be able to forgive others. Life doesn't come with a play book. You made the best decision you could in the moment. God may using this whole situation for a growth in yourself and others that we cannot yet see. Please forgive yourself.

And visit your loved one but share the caregiving. I pray you can bring her home for her final days because dying in the hospital with only one person allowed at a time is awful for your MIL, you, your hubby, your children who have cared for her also, and all her family.

May God give you peace.