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Examples of abuse. Trying to flush my head into toilet. Hanging by wrists by garage rails while still in elementary school. Emotional abuse etc...


I have psychiatrist and therapist since 1991 keeping me from succumbing to depression.


I'm curious as to how do you folks deal with abusive history with those you care for?

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Why is he with you now? Pack his property immediately, put him out and get an order of protection to prevent him from returning. If it's his house.... leave and never return!
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The abuse occurred as a child. (Not that it makes it less monstrous) The reason I stick around is I promised my now deceased mother I would care for him. I am a person of my word. No matter the cost. (Yes. This will cost me my soul)
My siblings hate him to the point where they have not spoken to him in decades. (They were abused similarly or worse than what I received.)

He has burned all bridges everywhere because of his anger and mean nature. His recollection of history is delusional (I think by choice). He doesnt recall ever doing anything bad. He treats people now so nice. I tell folks he has fooled them and if they want him, they can have him.
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LoopyLoo Oct 2019
Why would you sacrifice what is left of your life? This suffering is martyrdom.

You can make sure he is not on the streets or hungry. That’s all. That will honor your mom’s wishes. You need better therapy if you are still thinking you owe this POS anything.
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Oh please! You promised your mother, the person who allowed this abuse, to do hands on care for a mentally ill person? What part of "under duress" is not applicable here?

Your father is a troubled soul who deserves professional care and treatment.

Please arrange for him to get it. And if your therapist isn't helping you see this, I think you might seek out a second opinion.
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If you can't see that this is not worth your soul, I don't think anyone can help you.

Sorry your mom was way out of line forcing a death bed promise to care for your abuser. Not okay, not ever.

Placing him in a facility is ensuring that he is cared for, you don't have to be hands on to keep your word.

I think that you need to find a therapist that can help you get away from the abuse and learn how to value your own life before you figure out how to take care of the person that broke you so monstrously and a promise extracted by the very person that didn't protect you from him. Did he beat her as well?

Oh by the way, it is worse when it is done to children, they can't fight back or just leave. It is what cowards do.
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Promising to 'take care' of someone does not mean you need to sacrifice your soul in the process; that is not the real meaning of 'care'. His life, certainly, is not worth more than yours.

Care giving comes in many forms. If I were you, I'd either use his money to get him into Assisted Living or, if he doesn't have sufficient funds to self pay for care, apply for Medicaid & have him placed in a Skilled Nursing Facility or somewhere similar. He will be cared for by qualified staff, and you will have fulfilled the promise you made to your mother.

Why allow him to ruin the rest of your life? He's ruined enough already, don't you think?

Best of luck!
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My mom wasnt entirely innocent and you are correct in that. However, when you do not speak the english language and you have 3 toddlers. And are financially destitute, where do you go? She was a victim as well. She should have left him. I do not dispute that.
Your point is also well taken because that is the stance my sibling takes. She feels that mom should have protected us. However, things are not always as simple as they seem. When you delve deeper into the matter instead of just assuming, you start to realize, there are sometimes multiple sides to a story. Perspectives need to be looked at by all angles or all you get is a biased and distorted point of view.
Yes my dad needs help. When I was hospitalized for attempting suicide. They tried getting him to do family therapy. That did not work. He will never go again and as I stated he is delusional in that he remembers history differently than the rest of us.

As for your "oh please!" comment, whether you feel a promise is worth while. Is your opinion. To question a persons honor and sincerity without knowing them is kind of presumptuous. I have done some crap for people I severely disliked because it was the right thing to do. I have volunteered in places that were toxic, but because it helped children in need, I stayed. I am no saint, but I try to be honest and fair.

As for my therapist and psychiatrist, they said it might be a good idea to see a group therapy session to see what others do in difficult situations. I figured maybe asking online in an anonymous environment might give me insight without delving too far in.

As for my original question, I suppose you all have answered it.
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ArtistDaughter Oct 2019
It seems you have gotten help and have thought through what this caring for him will do both to you and for you. Caring for your dad will give you comfort that you are following your mom's wishes and she trusted you. But you also have a hard time being with the guy for what he did to you, which is very understandable. While it's wonderful for him that he doesn't remember the abuse, it doesn't give you any closure. Providing care can mean that you find someone else or a facility to care for him, making sure he is kept as well as can be expected in his last years. That way you honor your mother's wishes and stay alive for a brighter future for yourself. I think the most important thing for you to do is to take care of yourself and being your dad's care giver is not going to be taking care of yourself. Your soul knows that. We must listen to our souls in order to not become ill.
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I am still dealing with an abusive parent as well and I too got some doozy comments. Apparently some think the thing to do is-'just go and kick them out, why do you put up with' and for heaven's sake that question?' Why do you put up with that?' Those are just a few of the comments from the more vocal of this group.
So, like a said I am still dealing with an abusive parent, she lives with me and has not one ounce of remembering anything she did wrong re. her children. It wasn't pretty and she still makes me ill. Seeing a therapist and talking it out hasn't really helped. The advise to go my own way and do things for myself and so on and so forth..I've tried. I'm always waiting for a breakthrough, an aha moment that will clear things up for me in my mind and set me free.
And for the record I know that comes from within.
I know what you are dealing with is mental illness. It is still very hard to talk about these things when I believe (and appreciate) that this site was put in place for those who are caring for aging parents, who weren't brutal when we adult children were small children and some commenters have the wth can't you just buck up and deal with it-we are!
I believe sometimes these words of advice thrown at an OP are from scars of people's own past and different personalities.
If I had thought to do with half of the suggestions I asked for then I would have never joined this site. I'm glad I did though because the upside of being 'here' is there are geniunely concerned and compassionate people who care and don't judge.
I found a link on one of my searches on here that led me to another page and it was truly helpful It has to do with personality disorders and is called Out of the Fog. This thread I found that from goes back to 2013!!
Please stay here and you will find some answers to your situation.
I hope with all my heart that some day you won't have to deal with that evil depression. Caused by all the toxicity you have had to deal with. You aren't alone in this although it is sometimes a lonely walk.
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elaine1962 Oct 2019
Thank you RBuser1 for your sincere comment. My heart breaks for you also. That is why I made the comment that we can’t possibly understand the abuse if we have never been through it. Even though I would not want you to take care of an abusive parent, I certainly would not judge and i know it’s not that easy to just walk away or just go find a therapist. The answer is not easy. But I am sincerely glad you have found sites that have helped you. Each and every one of us deserves happiness.
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I did not have an abusive parent while growing up. They both worked very hard to give my brother & I everything we needed. The only time abuse came was recently because of dementia my 92 yo mother developed. I take care of her at home ...she was in nursing home after falling in between 2 aides in the house & needed emergency surgery ...Mother is opposite of what she always was. In addition, she abuses private pay aide . My father died 27 years ago from blood cancer...he was not abusive but appreciated any care we (my mother & I) gave him.
I wish you had told a Teacher or someone in Authority that you trusted back then when you were getting abused. You don’t owe care to anyone..even a parent...who did that to you.
HUGS 🤗
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Bronte, my sincere apologies for saying "oh please".

I am sorry that taking care of your abusive dad is your only reason for living.

Being an honorable person who keeps her/his promises is a great quality in a person and it SHOULD result in feelings of self-worth.

But that doesn't seem to be the case here, does it? Instead, you sound incredibly sad, focused on doing what's best for the abuser without regard to self-preservation.

If you become ill or worst of all if you destroy yourself in doing hands on care, where does that leave your dad? I think your promise to your mother is better kept by finding appropriate care for him. Without you as his advocate, he will really be up the creek.

I want to believe that you came here to get a different perspective because what you are doing isn't working well for you. That's what we try to do here.

I should have been kinder. Again, I'm sorry for my harshness.
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Bronte, to turn it around, would YOU want as your caregiver a person who felt that their ONLY reason for living was to care for you? I don't think you would. I think you would want that poor person to get the appropriate care they needed for whatever their particular issues were: depression, PTSD, suicidal ideation, anxiety, whatever it might be. I think you would want that person to heal and feel strong, and make any caregiving and relationship decisions from a position of inner strength and well-being.

You are a person of worth and have MANY more reasons to live than taking care of one particular individual. I hope you will reach out again, and if things are dire please go to an ER, call your therapist or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1(800)273-8255.
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Bronte, the part of your question I'd like to dig into a little bit is the "when your only reason for living is to take care of him" bit.

Let's set aside the "is it a good idea for a person's primary caregiver to be someone he subjected to traumatic abuse in childhood" question because we aren't getting anywhere with that.

Instead, will you mind if I challenge the idea that there is NOTHING else to your life except your father's needs and your history with him? You describe other important things you have taken responsibility for, just for a start. You have been of value to other people. Your mother entrusted you with your father's care - one might wish she hadn't, but the point is that she had confidence in you.

Take your focus off your father just for a few minutes: what else is or has been important to you?
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Bronte, I don’t think anyone truly understands what you are going through and what you have endured in the past unless they have gone through the exact same thing themselves. You only gave us a tidbit of the abuse and I am sure it was much more than that. The fact that you are still here to tell the story is remarkable. Other people would have given up a long time ago. You didn’t give up! You are here! You are such a strong person and such as inspiration. Don’t ever give up! Keep going to therapy and get far far away from your family. You don’t owe your father anything. I am crying as I write this. You need to live your own life and find happiness. You don’t owe anybody a thing!! This is your life. Continue therapy and get far far away from your family and especially your father! I hate your father for doing those things to you!! You deserve happiness!! Big hugs to you!!
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What is his present condition? What level of care are you providing? Are there any funds to have him placed? I strongly feel you cannot continue to concern yourself with what you promised your mother. I understand she was most likely a victim of possible abuse also. How are you being treated now by him? Are you still in therapy and if so what advice have you been given? If you possibly can I would remove yourself from this situation. I realize that may be easier said then done but I would think that remaining in his presence only brings about awful memories which you certainly don't deserve. I feel for you greatly and hope you can find a life away from him. He is a monster who should never have had children but tragically life is full of people such as that. Many are in prison where they belong. I hope you find a way to remove yourself from him and realize your self worth is not based on him and you have so much more to your life than continuing to care for him.
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According to you profile: "I am caring for my father MARK, who is 45 years old, living at home."

I take it you mean that YOU are 45 years old? The way it's written makes it sound like your father is 45 years old.

So how old is your father? What kind of caregiving do you do? Do you live with him?
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Thank you for the replies. I am 45. My dad is 82 or so. They didnt keep records where he was born. Picture a shack in a small village.

As for my mental illness, I am addressing most of my issues. Currently my major issues revolve around biological factors and not situations. I have a bachelor's degree in psychology and have been going to therapy since 91. With the amount of exposure I've had to therapy and such, I would have pursued a masters but I have an issue about caring too much about

My father, is not an educated person. English is limited. Even native language was limited. It's amazing he did so well in life.

As for his abilities, he is not infirmed. He doesnt read English and has a ton of doctor appointments. (Heart condition and a bunch of other things. ) he is dependent on me for those appointments and medication. (When I was working, I tried hiring a nurse to take care of his medication. They couldnt fill his pill jar correctly and could not come the same day every week. That was 1k a month charged to Medicare. Since I was doing it anyways. I fired them. (Was told by psychiatrist I was burning out and to let reassign some tasks to alleve stress) I was inches away from having to administer a catheter but the urologist figured a way to get him functional again. (No guy should ever have to watch a catheter inserted to their father, much less be told to watch carefully because soon it will be your turn)

My interactions with him now are cordial and polite. The problem I have is the flashbacks of abuse. I dont think its PTSD at least not the extent of a soldier, but I think about those things and I swell with anger. I hear him talk about mom and how she was the love of his life all the time. The thing he doesnt know is mom wanted to leave him, but couldnt because of the children. He is an exceptionally loud person. I live in a 4 bedroom house. The kitchen is opposite side of house from bedroom. I hear him outside the house talking while I'm in my bedroom. When I hear his voice, I jump because he used to scream at us before physical contact or whatever.

In regards to different therapists or psychiatrists, I have seen more than 5 psychiatrists and more therapists than I can count. They have helped me heal many scars, but dealing with my father is a difficult one. He doesnt deserve help, compassion or anything else. However, I feel like I would be worse than an animal if I just left him.


My question posed to the forum is what would you suggest to ease the pain of the situation? Leaving him to figure stuff out on his own is not an option. I have a inflexible compulsion to fulfill my obligations. How do you care for a monster?
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Bronte, thanks for the additional background info. As to your question of what to do to ease the pain of the situation/how do you care for a monster, I don't have much to offer. It seems to me if a house in on fire, you have to get out, not try to live with the smoke and flames.

I can only imagine how horrible it would be to have PTSD and have it continually triggered by the person who basically caused it! How could a person make any healing from the PTSD under those conditions? I would imagine the temptation is enormous to self-medicate or numb out in some way. Obviously that isn't a good strategy.
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There is no reason at all for you to look after your abuser. Surely your therapist has told you this?

Walk away and do not look back.

Edited to add: I saw a later post that you made a promise to your mother on her deathbed, to look after your father. A promise to care for someone does not have to mean providing hands on care. It can mean making sure they have the care they need. Dad can go into a nursing home with the level of care he needs. You will have fulfilled your promise to Mum, Dad is being cared for, without sacrificing your own life.

At 45 you are young. You should be working, getting your Master's degree, dating, thinking about a family of your own. 45 is not too old to continue your education. I started university when I was 49.

You have many reasons to live.

End of Edit

Emotional abuse is why I will never provide hands on care giving to either o my parents. There is nothing that would change my mind to have a parent live with me, or spend my days driving them to and from appointments etc. It took a long time and the last straw was only 5 years ago in my late 40's, but I grew a back bone and said no more. I see my parents on my terms only. Neither are allowed to cross the threshold of my home. I will not be abused in my own home.
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Put the abuse behind you by letting go of your obligation. Sounds like you put yourself beyond the limit of obligation.
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